Hello Friends!
Yesterday, I went shloumping in Fayetteville and it changed my life! Shloumping? Well, I sorta went slumming, but was shopping too, so I call it shloumping. My main objective was to get to the doctors office at 2:45. One thing I've learned, I think that's 19 things, so far. Maybe I'll learn another thing in 2009. One thing I learned is when there is some unpleasant business or event, to mix something good with it. When, Jacob, my oldest, was just 2 years old, he cut his ear lobe. It was just dangling! I took him to the emergency room, but on the way, we stopped and got a tootsie pop. It made things a little better. If I ever get injured, please stop by Longhorns and get me a big, thick, juicy steak and a big ole baked potatoe, (help me Quayle). And a real coke! When I went to the dentist, it was Christmas time and the Christmas music made it more pleasant. I stopped at McDonalds and ordered a number one, large. That's a Big Mac with mondo fries, monsoon coke and mom's apple pie. Aka M&M&M&M. My last meal before biting the big one! There's this place I always pass going into Fayetteville on Hwy 54. It;s called Jordan's Salvage or Jordan's Junk, or something like that. It's this shack that's on the block before you get to the Fayetteville Courthouse Square. This shack is filled from floor to ceiling with junk. The double doors are open and you really can't walk inside because it's that full. On the outside, there is junk piled about 7 feet high all the way around the building. The back yard is like that too! There are little paths between the junk that you can walk thru at your own risk. There are no signs or warnings, but the broken glass which seems to decorate these paths, suggest that there is some risk. It's like a junk maize. You could get lost in there! And it really is junk. Take it from someone who knows. I used to go to the county landfill in Lovejoy. Wouldn't you like to live in a town called Love-joy? I can see the towns people brainstorming for names. They might suggest names like hanging dog or break wind, but this dear sweet lady said she would like her home town to be called Love-joy. When I went to the Lovejoy landfill, now there's an oxymoron, I used to drop stuff off and then look for treasures to bring back from the dump. So, I know junk! They had broken plastic chairs. rusted out bed frames, old appliances, parts of bicycles, car wheels, lawn mower wheels and such. They actually had kitchen sinks! And an assortment of toilets. You could pick up an old toilet with the now illegal oversize tank! The one thing I saw that could be a cash and carry item for me was window frames. They had a big selection of window frames, complete with glass, for $5 each, any size. I told the man I'd have to see if my wife would let me have them. She generally frowns on me bringing junk home. We went out with Kelly to Longhorns last night and I was telling them about my shloumping adventure and Cheryl said, "You know, I'd like to get some window frames from that place". I crawled back out from under the table, where I had fallen and listened in disbelief. Kelly said she had a window frame at her house for such a purpose. Oh yeah, my original idea was to hang these on my living room wall with pictures or artwork or something placed in each of the panes. The two people I was with, had already thought of it. The waiter knew about it and the people at the next booth already had one! It appears the most original idea I had was checking with my wife. Back to Longhorns. I figured on one last meal with every thing I wanted, including baked potatoe. (help me Quayle). It was good. A thick juicy Renegade. They say you are what you eat! That's me! The other night I had a Bourbon St steak. Fortunately, that's not me. No, I'm a renegade, a wild and crazy guy! When I was sixteen I used to visit Burger King and get a Whaler (fish sandwich) and a strawberry shake. There were no numbers or combos then. Real men ordered real food by it's name! I ate my whaler and then headed for the highway. I slid behind the wheel of my blue chevy in my t-shirt and cut-offs, with my strawberry shake. The Young Rascals was blaring on the cassette player and I was - devil may care - barefooted. That was double rebellion! Perhaps, re-rebellion! Was I worried about being caught? Heck no! I was a Renegade!
Back to shloumping! I went to Barns and Nobles, didn't see either one there. Then I went to Best Buys. That's where I struck gold. I found THE Otis Redding CD! Not this Dock in the Bay stuff! That's a good song, his biggest hit. It was released right before or after his death, which always pumps up a good song. But DIB was not representative of his complete body of work. Otis Redding died in a plane crash on December 10 1967. For two years after his demise, they kept playing new hits by Otis Redding. He and Elvis are probably playing golf on some island with John Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe! He was 26 years old when he "died". I was 13. My sister, Martha, had a great deal of influence over my music appreciation. She was 4 years older than I and ripe for American Bandstand. She had a little green transistor radio. Translate cordless! You could get Chubby Checker, Fats Domino, Neil Sedaka, Ricky Nelson and all the greats. She was a Beatle fanatic, with posters albums, cards, Beatle comb and all of that. She had an Otis Redding album that was tops. In the last few years, I had my eyes out for that. I bought a cd, which was good, but not the same. Yesterday, I found "Love Man". Twelve of the greatest hits, ever, from the "Big O". There was one Vietnamese guy in our school, Kim Snyder, and he had a red MG Midget, which is a tiny 2 seater sports car. It was for sale! He gave me a ride in it. I loved it! This little go-kart of a car, with loud muffler, four on the floor, top down, undulating tachometer! I loved it all! But to top it all off the "Big O" was on the radio, singing "Direct Me", a really cool piece of East Coast music. I never forgot it! I finally got a red Sebring convertible, not quite the same heart throbbing effect of the little Midget, but it suits me well. I also now I have Otis Redding on the cd as he should be. Everyone says it's a midlife crisis, but it started at about about age 14 when my cousin from Michigan came down with his 64 Lemans 4 speed convertible. It was a step down from the GTO, nevertheless, very cool. I loved the car. So it's a lifelong crisis!
One day while shloumping in McDonough at the Salvation Army store, I found a box full of cassette tapes for a couple of bucks, which I was glad to part with. It contained Byrds, Chicago, CCR, Paul Simon, Hall and Oates? and 3 Billy Joel tapes. I became a Billy Joel fan. Cool? Maybe not, but I liked it. The best tape broke. I thought about returning it, but it would take $4 worth of gas to get my 13 cents back. So I finally replaced it with a cd. I haven't listened to it yet, but it will be great! I know. Then I went to Big Lots to do the domestic thing and look at knives and tumblers. Then it was time for the doctors office. I was prepared for the worst. But not the 2 hour wait. nonetheless, I was thankful that I was not sick and miserable for those two hours. I was prepared to have to spend $300 a month for blood pressure, blood sugar, and triglyceride reducing meds. I was expecting him to say it's a miracle you made it this far, but perhaps I can restore you to some quality of life! But he didn't! He gave me the mildest bp med and put me on probation. If I can lose 140 pounds in 3 weeks, I should be just fine! I am now motivated! Starting January 1st, I am a changed man! I will eat right, drink right, sleep right, think right, write right. But until then...I'll do my worst! My mother used to say "Phooey on the Write-Right!" She used to work for that company. They made writing tablets as they used to call them. I guess that was her expression when she got aggravated with them. She was still saying that 40 years after she left them!
The Walt Lewis Project is officially under construction! Improvements to come! Update to the nearest version. Delete the old one! 2009 should be a great year!
Here's to starvation! Hope y'all have a great day and find something to be happy about!
Remember, Jesus loves you!
disclaimer: if you don't understand some of this, read ALL of the earlier posts. You wouldn't start reading a recipe or an algebra book from the middle would you? I wouldn't at all! If after you read the other posts, you still don't understand, try bull running or working for the IRS.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
So this is Christmas!
Hello Christians!
I assume that since you all celebrated Christ-mas that you must be Christ-ones. Otherwise, what in the world were you thinking! I think it's so great that the most wonderful holiday of the year, is the one where we celebrate the birth of the only super-hero of all time - our savior Jesus Christ, the only son of God. Now, who are the hypocrites! Could it be the ones who celebrate that which they do not believe? Well 'nuff said!
Bytheway, you probably know my title is from a John Lennon song. How ironic! I really don't know what to write about. I'm kind of like Mr. Ed, the horse who will never talk, unless he has something to say. There was nothing ironic, dumb or scary about the last couple of days! I won't bore you with the details, because you probably had a grandbaby at your house who was the cutest thing too. She probably kissed her presents and carried them around. She probably stood on her head and sat in your laps and gave you hugs and kisses too. You probably got nice gifts like movies, including Jimmy Stewart, and a model 68 Camaro like the one you drove in the 70's and a cool game like the baby boomers retirement game. You have to be over 40 just to play that one. There were other gifts like nice clothes that fit, cosmetics, Elmo, Jack in the Box, digital photo albums, shavers and a thing that shines all kinds of light patters and colors on the ceiling. Too bad we weren't playing white elephant. I would have taken that one. Well, not from Raegan. She's only 20 months old and I'm 663. And the food! You probably had food too! You probably had hamburger casserole, the one casserole I like, roast turkey, deviled eggs, stewed apples, Watergate salad, muffins, cinnamon bread, and cheese cake for desert. We played the sequence game. There were other gifts like Auburn Deli Mustard, Ga Deli Mustard, penguin ties and a Curious George book for one young at heart.
It was a fun day. It really wiped me out! There was little sarcasm or dumbness or irony there, which usually gets me started. There was much laughter but mostly out of joy at no ones expense. I could have just said it was nice! But then yours was probably nice too!
I'm on vacation and guess what I'm doing? Okay, you know what I'm doing unless you failed the old army test and don't know your gluteus maximas from a hole in the ground. Speaking of, my maximus is somewhat enlarged with all of the Christmas eating. I'll have to work on that. In fact, I'm going to the doctor on Monday, I think, or Tuesday. It doesn't matter. It's a foregone conclusion. My special wife (only wife, in case you're wondering and I'm not taking applications. Maybe tryouts but no applications. just kidding-very kidding. no responses anyway) Back to the unparenthesis. My wife, whom I love, has already seen my blood work and diagnosed my predicament. She is a nurse. Every family should have one. A wife and a nurse. I already know that my bad cholesterol is bad and even my good cholesterol is bad. My number one daughter in law, Kelly informed me that I am evil and she is right. The dentist knew it and now I'm going to the doctor. My cholesterol is evil. Even the good one is evil. I have bad blood pressure and bad blood sugar. So there! Confession is good for the soul. I'm told I will have to take Lipitor. That sounds like a bullfighter with an attitude!. I will take you, stupid bull, and stick swords in your back, until you say "tio", that's "uncle" in spanish. Not to be confused with Theo from the Bill Cosby show. I don't like bull fighting. It takes little courage. If the bull is too mean, they come out and do the pin cushion thing with 5 foot swords in the back. What takes courage, and a quart of Tequila, is running down those narrow streets of Pamplona, Spain with 957 other drunken fools, with several wild raging bulls behind you and no swords. Not even a brain to fight with. They sound this horn to release the bulls into the street. They probably think they are racing for their freedom. They are really racing towards doom, captivity in the bull ring. Not a chance the bull could actually win. Then they sound the horn again to let the people know the bulls are in the street. Kind of like tooting your car horn after an accident! The goal of the runners is to feel the bulls breath on their backs. Some people fly from other continents, in airplanes, to do this. This goal is entirely obtainable, The second goal of living thru it, is a little harder. You let the bull get close and then you jump out of the way. Well that's just stupid. Of course the bulls get killed and slaughtered anyway.
This Lipitor, I hear has all kind of side effects, and other effects besides side. I would never take Rogain because of it's side effects. Like it sucks all of the protein from your bones to make hair. Then your bones dissolve and you become a slug like in that movie, where all the guy could do was slither around on the floor or wiggle like jello. He mostly sat there like a pile of hairy mashed potatoes. Help me Quayle! Enough food metaphors. This Lipitor can make your knees weak, make you lose your mind and your liver do back flips. Like when I met my wife! And then there's something for blood pressure. That's good, because I think the reason I appear overweight is because all of my veins and arteries are swollen from the high blood pressure. Maybe I won't need to diet after all. I'm feeling better about this. And then there is blood sugar. Being a true southerner, coke runs in my veins. I will probably go into a depression causing tropical storms and need more meds for that. Look, let's get one thing straight! Down South, "Pop" is always followed by "Goes the Weasel" and soda is something you put in your bath water when you have uh - let's see, what's the medical term - raw maximas. So let's not confuse that with coke. Even if it says pepsi, we still call it coke! I truly believe the additives they put in diet foods are more harmful than just eating sugar and salt. If my sweet wife does want to rub me out, I think she will do it by adding sweet and low or aspartame to my foods. I might just eat grass. I wonder which is best, fescue or bermuda? But then I need to know what's in the fertilizer. Cow dung? And what's in the pesticides, probably aspartame. Maybe I'll go on the subway diet. If only I could start a new exclusive diet and write a book, maybe a movie! Maybe the popcorn diet. You can fix popcorn a thousand different ways..popcorn without butter, popcorn without sugar, popcorn w/o salt, popcorn w/o shrimp, popcorn w/o broccoli-my favorite, But, I'm not giving you the whole list. You'll have to buy the book! I'm not worried about the doctor's visit. I've already been stuck for blood. Oooooh! The lady who took my blood, Dorongodo, I think her ancestors were Zulus or something, not because of the grass skirt or bone in her nose. No, it wasn't even that Watusi thing she was doing. I didn't know you could get blood from under your fingernails! That was new for me! It took about seven tries. I would rather she had just stuck my eyeball. Anyway it's over. I've already had the garden hose up the back alley, so that shouldn't happen. Maybe I'll do that for next Christmas. Then they can play Christmas music instead of "Going Up the Country" by Canned Heat or "Up, Up and Away" by Fifth Dimension. That one's good for Angioplasty. I'm now working on my resume for surgical music consultant. My new title, Walter C Lewis SMC GGR. We'll play "Save Your Heart for Me" by Gary Lewis and the Playboys for heart surgery. For head transplants, we'll play "Put Your Head on My Shoulder" by Paul Anka. For plastic surgery, we'll play "The Shadow of Your Smile' by Frank Sinatra. If you've never been tubing read Dave Barry's article on colonoscopy. It's the funniest thing I ever read! How's that Dave? Still got my address? for the check? They aren't giving me any shots. Oh, how I wish they would instead of the pills every day. I'm 55. By the time I reach 70, I can get my exercise by lifting my pill organizer. The last time I went to the doctor, he took one look and said, you look like you feel like poop. Glad he said feel instead on smell, or did he. I don't know. I did feel like poop. This time I feel good. When I felt bad he said, you really needed to stay home in bed. This I knew, but I needed a doctors excuse to go back to work. I needed some excuse to go back, because I really didn't want to go. Their policy states, If you feel well enough to go to the doctor, you're well enough to go to work. I agree. When I don't feel good, I don't want to get out and sit in a doctors office. My doctor is a nice guy. I wish I could just play tennis with him instead being sent to a neurologist or psychiatrist.
I shall eat, drink and be merry this weekend, for tomorrow I die!
Merry Christmas! I love you all!
disclaimer: if you don't understand some of this, read ALL of the earlier posts. You wouldn't start reading a recipe or an algebra book from the middle would you? I wouldn't at all! If after you read the other posts, you still don't understand, try bull running or working for the IRS.
I assume that since you all celebrated Christ-mas that you must be Christ-ones. Otherwise, what in the world were you thinking! I think it's so great that the most wonderful holiday of the year, is the one where we celebrate the birth of the only super-hero of all time - our savior Jesus Christ, the only son of God. Now, who are the hypocrites! Could it be the ones who celebrate that which they do not believe? Well 'nuff said!
Bytheway, you probably know my title is from a John Lennon song. How ironic! I really don't know what to write about. I'm kind of like Mr. Ed, the horse who will never talk, unless he has something to say. There was nothing ironic, dumb or scary about the last couple of days! I won't bore you with the details, because you probably had a grandbaby at your house who was the cutest thing too. She probably kissed her presents and carried them around. She probably stood on her head and sat in your laps and gave you hugs and kisses too. You probably got nice gifts like movies, including Jimmy Stewart, and a model 68 Camaro like the one you drove in the 70's and a cool game like the baby boomers retirement game. You have to be over 40 just to play that one. There were other gifts like nice clothes that fit, cosmetics, Elmo, Jack in the Box, digital photo albums, shavers and a thing that shines all kinds of light patters and colors on the ceiling. Too bad we weren't playing white elephant. I would have taken that one. Well, not from Raegan. She's only 20 months old and I'm 663. And the food! You probably had food too! You probably had hamburger casserole, the one casserole I like, roast turkey, deviled eggs, stewed apples, Watergate salad, muffins, cinnamon bread, and cheese cake for desert. We played the sequence game. There were other gifts like Auburn Deli Mustard, Ga Deli Mustard, penguin ties and a Curious George book for one young at heart.
It was a fun day. It really wiped me out! There was little sarcasm or dumbness or irony there, which usually gets me started. There was much laughter but mostly out of joy at no ones expense. I could have just said it was nice! But then yours was probably nice too!
I'm on vacation and guess what I'm doing? Okay, you know what I'm doing unless you failed the old army test and don't know your gluteus maximas from a hole in the ground. Speaking of, my maximus is somewhat enlarged with all of the Christmas eating. I'll have to work on that. In fact, I'm going to the doctor on Monday, I think, or Tuesday. It doesn't matter. It's a foregone conclusion. My special wife (only wife, in case you're wondering and I'm not taking applications. Maybe tryouts but no applications. just kidding-very kidding. no responses anyway) Back to the unparenthesis. My wife, whom I love, has already seen my blood work and diagnosed my predicament. She is a nurse. Every family should have one. A wife and a nurse. I already know that my bad cholesterol is bad and even my good cholesterol is bad. My number one daughter in law, Kelly informed me that I am evil and she is right. The dentist knew it and now I'm going to the doctor. My cholesterol is evil. Even the good one is evil. I have bad blood pressure and bad blood sugar. So there! Confession is good for the soul. I'm told I will have to take Lipitor. That sounds like a bullfighter with an attitude!. I will take you, stupid bull, and stick swords in your back, until you say "tio", that's "uncle" in spanish. Not to be confused with Theo from the Bill Cosby show. I don't like bull fighting. It takes little courage. If the bull is too mean, they come out and do the pin cushion thing with 5 foot swords in the back. What takes courage, and a quart of Tequila, is running down those narrow streets of Pamplona, Spain with 957 other drunken fools, with several wild raging bulls behind you and no swords. Not even a brain to fight with. They sound this horn to release the bulls into the street. They probably think they are racing for their freedom. They are really racing towards doom, captivity in the bull ring. Not a chance the bull could actually win. Then they sound the horn again to let the people know the bulls are in the street. Kind of like tooting your car horn after an accident! The goal of the runners is to feel the bulls breath on their backs. Some people fly from other continents, in airplanes, to do this. This goal is entirely obtainable, The second goal of living thru it, is a little harder. You let the bull get close and then you jump out of the way. Well that's just stupid. Of course the bulls get killed and slaughtered anyway.
This Lipitor, I hear has all kind of side effects, and other effects besides side. I would never take Rogain because of it's side effects. Like it sucks all of the protein from your bones to make hair. Then your bones dissolve and you become a slug like in that movie, where all the guy could do was slither around on the floor or wiggle like jello. He mostly sat there like a pile of hairy mashed potatoes. Help me Quayle! Enough food metaphors. This Lipitor can make your knees weak, make you lose your mind and your liver do back flips. Like when I met my wife! And then there's something for blood pressure. That's good, because I think the reason I appear overweight is because all of my veins and arteries are swollen from the high blood pressure. Maybe I won't need to diet after all. I'm feeling better about this. And then there is blood sugar. Being a true southerner, coke runs in my veins. I will probably go into a depression causing tropical storms and need more meds for that. Look, let's get one thing straight! Down South, "Pop" is always followed by "Goes the Weasel" and soda is something you put in your bath water when you have uh - let's see, what's the medical term - raw maximas. So let's not confuse that with coke. Even if it says pepsi, we still call it coke! I truly believe the additives they put in diet foods are more harmful than just eating sugar and salt. If my sweet wife does want to rub me out, I think she will do it by adding sweet and low or aspartame to my foods. I might just eat grass. I wonder which is best, fescue or bermuda? But then I need to know what's in the fertilizer. Cow dung? And what's in the pesticides, probably aspartame. Maybe I'll go on the subway diet. If only I could start a new exclusive diet and write a book, maybe a movie! Maybe the popcorn diet. You can fix popcorn a thousand different ways..popcorn without butter, popcorn without sugar, popcorn w/o salt, popcorn w/o shrimp, popcorn w/o broccoli-my favorite, But, I'm not giving you the whole list. You'll have to buy the book! I'm not worried about the doctor's visit. I've already been stuck for blood. Oooooh! The lady who took my blood, Dorongodo, I think her ancestors were Zulus or something, not because of the grass skirt or bone in her nose. No, it wasn't even that Watusi thing she was doing. I didn't know you could get blood from under your fingernails! That was new for me! It took about seven tries. I would rather she had just stuck my eyeball. Anyway it's over. I've already had the garden hose up the back alley, so that shouldn't happen. Maybe I'll do that for next Christmas. Then they can play Christmas music instead of "Going Up the Country" by Canned Heat or "Up, Up and Away" by Fifth Dimension. That one's good for Angioplasty. I'm now working on my resume for surgical music consultant. My new title, Walter C Lewis SMC GGR. We'll play "Save Your Heart for Me" by Gary Lewis and the Playboys for heart surgery. For head transplants, we'll play "Put Your Head on My Shoulder" by Paul Anka. For plastic surgery, we'll play "The Shadow of Your Smile' by Frank Sinatra. If you've never been tubing read Dave Barry's article on colonoscopy. It's the funniest thing I ever read! How's that Dave? Still got my address? for the check? They aren't giving me any shots. Oh, how I wish they would instead of the pills every day. I'm 55. By the time I reach 70, I can get my exercise by lifting my pill organizer. The last time I went to the doctor, he took one look and said, you look like you feel like poop. Glad he said feel instead on smell, or did he. I don't know. I did feel like poop. This time I feel good. When I felt bad he said, you really needed to stay home in bed. This I knew, but I needed a doctors excuse to go back to work. I needed some excuse to go back, because I really didn't want to go. Their policy states, If you feel well enough to go to the doctor, you're well enough to go to work. I agree. When I don't feel good, I don't want to get out and sit in a doctors office. My doctor is a nice guy. I wish I could just play tennis with him instead being sent to a neurologist or psychiatrist.
I shall eat, drink and be merry this weekend, for tomorrow I die!
Merry Christmas! I love you all!
disclaimer: if you don't understand some of this, read ALL of the earlier posts. You wouldn't start reading a recipe or an algebra book from the middle would you? I wouldn't at all! If after you read the other posts, you still don't understand, try bull running or working for the IRS.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Froze Hose a.k.a. Ice Snake
Hello Gringos!
The title looks like a Puerto Ricon rap artist! Frozen Jose. Nah! It's my garden jose, uh hose. Daughter number II, Jen, had her friends over for a bon fire. There were wood stools placed around the fire to sit on. These were just sections cut out of a thick tree. What no one mentioned is that some of them had a hole through the center, which could have been inhabited. If they became warm enough, the resident may have come up for a look-see. Spose I would have heard if they did. My water hose was unreeled out to the bon fire site in case the fire got out of hand and to use in putting out the fire, but since it was 25 degrees, it froze - Ice Snake.
I thought this was interesting! It's an excerpt from the "Wilbur Post" post. You may remember the character, Wilbur Post, played by Alan Young, on the hit tv show "Mr. Ed". Of course Mr. Ed was played by a white horse named Lionel Hairymore. I think he stole it from lionel Barrymore who played Mr. Potter on "It's a Wonderful Life". I watched it last night. A wonderful 137 minutes uncut on VHS. If you see it on tv, they'll probably leave out a scene or two. Lionel Barrymore also played in "Captains Courageous" with Spencer Tracy, and Mickey Rooney. If this all sounds foreign to you, you really need to get out of the box and check out the old movies. Don't watch the remake with Robert Urich. It vacuums!
Mr. Ed actually writes the "Wilbur Post". What's the matter? You never hear of a writing horse? The premise of the show was that Wilbur had this horse that talked only in his presence. The horse had an attitude and was always getting Wilbur into trouble.
Anyway Lionel (Ed) answers FAQ
1. Is it true when you died you were buried standing up?
A. "Say brainless, don't they teach you anything?" (another line from It's a Wonderful Life). That's kind of like the quiz about where to bury the survivors. Surprize them! (You'd have to go back a few posts to understand some of these. You really should start from the beginning.
Duh! I'm writing this post, so I guess I'm still living. And to dispell another rumor, no one ever buried me up to my neck and then ran over me with a lawn mower. Also no one ever tied two horses' tails together and threw them over the clothes line just to watch them fight. Once someones grandfather tied a firecracker to a cat's tail and the cat ran into the barn and caught the barn on fire. But he didn't get a whipping because he could not tell a lie! There were just too many witnesses. Bytheway, a clothes line is not Christie Brinklys' name on the latest fashions at K-Mart. It's this wire you stretch from one pole to another, several yards apart, for the purpose of hanging clothes on after washing, so they could dry. Sometimes people would just lay their wet rags on a bush to dry, thus when the rags were stolen, they would say, "Now don't that take the rag right off of the bush". You should also see the movie "Lil Abner". It's in color so you'll like it. It's based on an old comic strip by Al Capp and the actors look just like the comic strip characters! It's a musical, but don't let that scare you, because the songs are hilarious! It stars Peter Palmer and Leslie Parish. Picture Leslie Parish with chocolate syrup all over her. Oh no, that's Janet Leigh in Alfred Hitchcock s' "Pshcho", which I don't recommend unless you are living in Camelot and need to be jarred back to reality. I still think the pendulum swings too far. So you must see Camelot. That's a place where I could definitely live! I want all of you to get netflix and order these movies! If you don't like these movies, then you are a McDonalds chicken sandwich - you have no taste. Yeah, squeeze the lump of coal until it becomes a diamond. Someone stop me!.
Back to FAQ
2. Is it true that Alan Young had to literally feed you your lines? That is, too tickle your muzzle with straw to make your lips move.
A. The opposite would be more accurate. Alan was more suitable for Vitalis commercials. He couldn't pretend to be happy if he won the lottery! Sometimes we put peanut butter on his lips so he's lick them and we'd just dub in the words.
3. What other roles have you played?
A. When I was a pony, I played Roy Rogers horse, Trigger. Roy was great too work under! They also had Buttermilk on that show. She was some fine Phillie! And the dog Bullet, same name as the dog in the Snuffy Smith comics, whom the editor's dog, Rusty Bullet is named after.
4. Have you ever turned down any roles?
A Yeah, the horse of the drunken gunslinger, Kid Shaleen, in "Cat Ballou". That drunken horse won an academy award! You should see this movie also starring Lee Marvin, Dwayne Hickman ( Dobie Gillis) and Jane Fonda. Picture Jane Fonda with chocolate syrup - oh, that's Janet Leigh.
I also refused the role of the horses head in Godfather. that one gave me nightmares. A little horse humor. Night mares for a horse is like a treat! Skip it!
5. I heard you were difficult on the set. Is this true and why?
A. I felt I was due certain concessions in light of my star power. I did insist on my own private trailer. Most of the actors were willing to grant me that. I stipulate that the camera be on my right side 90 % of the time. I insisted that if there were to be any tail shots, that my tail would be down to cover up my credentials. Afterall, this was meant to include younger audiences.
6. I heard your salary back then was in the four figures. Is that true?
A Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp! Does that answer your question?
I hope you found that enlightening. Butheway, Roy Rogers was buried standing up! Hope y'all don't have night mares!
It's the night before the night before Christmas and I can remember the anxiousness as a child, the wonder and excitement of knowing, thinking that Santa would come thru my front door (our chimneys were closed off) and leave me a load of presents! It's warms my heart to know that many thousands of kids are going thru that right now. I wish them all a Merry Christmas and you too!
Here's a partial quote from an old classic, The Night Before Christmas" as quoted by Tommy Smothers:
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Here's to memories. good night-sleep tight - Merry Christmas!
The title looks like a Puerto Ricon rap artist! Frozen Jose. Nah! It's my garden jose, uh hose. Daughter number II, Jen, had her friends over for a bon fire. There were wood stools placed around the fire to sit on. These were just sections cut out of a thick tree. What no one mentioned is that some of them had a hole through the center, which could have been inhabited. If they became warm enough, the resident may have come up for a look-see. Spose I would have heard if they did. My water hose was unreeled out to the bon fire site in case the fire got out of hand and to use in putting out the fire, but since it was 25 degrees, it froze - Ice Snake.
I thought this was interesting! It's an excerpt from the "Wilbur Post" post. You may remember the character, Wilbur Post, played by Alan Young, on the hit tv show "Mr. Ed". Of course Mr. Ed was played by a white horse named Lionel Hairymore. I think he stole it from lionel Barrymore who played Mr. Potter on "It's a Wonderful Life". I watched it last night. A wonderful 137 minutes uncut on VHS. If you see it on tv, they'll probably leave out a scene or two. Lionel Barrymore also played in "Captains Courageous" with Spencer Tracy, and Mickey Rooney. If this all sounds foreign to you, you really need to get out of the box and check out the old movies. Don't watch the remake with Robert Urich. It vacuums!
Mr. Ed actually writes the "Wilbur Post". What's the matter? You never hear of a writing horse? The premise of the show was that Wilbur had this horse that talked only in his presence. The horse had an attitude and was always getting Wilbur into trouble.
Anyway Lionel (Ed) answers FAQ
1. Is it true when you died you were buried standing up?
A. "Say brainless, don't they teach you anything?" (another line from It's a Wonderful Life). That's kind of like the quiz about where to bury the survivors. Surprize them! (You'd have to go back a few posts to understand some of these. You really should start from the beginning.
Duh! I'm writing this post, so I guess I'm still living. And to dispell another rumor, no one ever buried me up to my neck and then ran over me with a lawn mower. Also no one ever tied two horses' tails together and threw them over the clothes line just to watch them fight. Once someones grandfather tied a firecracker to a cat's tail and the cat ran into the barn and caught the barn on fire. But he didn't get a whipping because he could not tell a lie! There were just too many witnesses. Bytheway, a clothes line is not Christie Brinklys' name on the latest fashions at K-Mart. It's this wire you stretch from one pole to another, several yards apart, for the purpose of hanging clothes on after washing, so they could dry. Sometimes people would just lay their wet rags on a bush to dry, thus when the rags were stolen, they would say, "Now don't that take the rag right off of the bush". You should also see the movie "Lil Abner". It's in color so you'll like it. It's based on an old comic strip by Al Capp and the actors look just like the comic strip characters! It's a musical, but don't let that scare you, because the songs are hilarious! It stars Peter Palmer and Leslie Parish. Picture Leslie Parish with chocolate syrup all over her. Oh no, that's Janet Leigh in Alfred Hitchcock s' "Pshcho", which I don't recommend unless you are living in Camelot and need to be jarred back to reality. I still think the pendulum swings too far. So you must see Camelot. That's a place where I could definitely live! I want all of you to get netflix and order these movies! If you don't like these movies, then you are a McDonalds chicken sandwich - you have no taste. Yeah, squeeze the lump of coal until it becomes a diamond. Someone stop me!.
Back to FAQ
2. Is it true that Alan Young had to literally feed you your lines? That is, too tickle your muzzle with straw to make your lips move.
A. The opposite would be more accurate. Alan was more suitable for Vitalis commercials. He couldn't pretend to be happy if he won the lottery! Sometimes we put peanut butter on his lips so he's lick them and we'd just dub in the words.
3. What other roles have you played?
A. When I was a pony, I played Roy Rogers horse, Trigger. Roy was great too work under! They also had Buttermilk on that show. She was some fine Phillie! And the dog Bullet, same name as the dog in the Snuffy Smith comics, whom the editor's dog, Rusty Bullet is named after.
4. Have you ever turned down any roles?
A Yeah, the horse of the drunken gunslinger, Kid Shaleen, in "Cat Ballou". That drunken horse won an academy award! You should see this movie also starring Lee Marvin, Dwayne Hickman ( Dobie Gillis) and Jane Fonda. Picture Jane Fonda with chocolate syrup - oh, that's Janet Leigh.
I also refused the role of the horses head in Godfather. that one gave me nightmares. A little horse humor. Night mares for a horse is like a treat! Skip it!
5. I heard you were difficult on the set. Is this true and why?
A. I felt I was due certain concessions in light of my star power. I did insist on my own private trailer. Most of the actors were willing to grant me that. I stipulate that the camera be on my right side 90 % of the time. I insisted that if there were to be any tail shots, that my tail would be down to cover up my credentials. Afterall, this was meant to include younger audiences.
6. I heard your salary back then was in the four figures. Is that true?
A Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp! Does that answer your question?
I hope you found that enlightening. Butheway, Roy Rogers was buried standing up! Hope y'all don't have night mares!
It's the night before the night before Christmas and I can remember the anxiousness as a child, the wonder and excitement of knowing, thinking that Santa would come thru my front door (our chimneys were closed off) and leave me a load of presents! It's warms my heart to know that many thousands of kids are going thru that right now. I wish them all a Merry Christmas and you too!
Here's a partial quote from an old classic, The Night Before Christmas" as quoted by Tommy Smothers:
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up!
Here's to memories. good night-sleep tight - Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sim-ply hav-ing a wonderful Christmas time!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas everybody! Merry Christmas building and loan! If you don't recognize that line you HAVE to watch "It's a Wonderful Life". I'm dead serious, you'll thank me later! And, you'll slap your mother. Hmmph! never seen "It's a Wonderful Life"! No kidding, if I have to waste my whole post to convince you, it would be worth it!! But you're smart, and I won't have to do that. Some day when I'm all caught up I may write my autobieulogy. That's what it's called when you write your own eulogy - from now on. I think I just coined a new word. How much do I get for that? Maybe just royalities. I'd be happy with a quarter everytime someone says autobieulogy. I would do writing workshops on that. My eulogy would start out, "Now of what you are about to hear, I am dead serious. Maybe this time you will believe me. I really don't like casseroles, chesse on brockley, grits, ice cream or much of anthing except pizza or hamburger, none of which would interest me at the moment". But it's Christmas time and I don't want to think about writing about dying right now.
I've been Christmas shopping and having a pretty good time. I had Christmas music on the radio, until they played Christmas Shoe and Blue Christmas back to back. That was about all I could take. Christmas Shoe is still dumb. I had to hear it once more to be sure. I think I'm right! There was a Beach Boys cd playing so things were fine again. Of course the stores were playing Christmas music. I missed church this morning but made it for Sunday school. We shared about the good and bad of the year 2008 for our families. Some lost jobs, some got jobs, some lost parents, some gained grandchildren. Evryone shared that there were some peaks and some valleys this year. You just have to remember when you are in the valley, that you were on a peak and you will be on a peak again and remember to take God with you to both. "It's a Wonderful Life" is about a guy named George Bailey. who was in the bigest slump and it looked like he might go to jail for something that was not his doing. He finally came to the conclusion that his family would be better off if he was dead and they collected on his life insurance policy. Then Clarence Oddbody ASII (Angel second class) shows up to show George what the world would have been like if he'd never been born. He says, "You look like the kind of angel I'd get".
other lines:
I was saving up for a divorce in case I ever get me a husband.
Teacher says, When a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.
You call this a home, why do we have to have all of these kids?
George Bailey lasso's the stork.
Zu Zu's petals!
No man is poor if he has friends.
To my brother, the richest man in town.
There's a million of them!
You have to watch this movie,
Merry Christmas!
Watch it!!!
Merry Christmas everybody! Merry Christmas building and loan! If you don't recognize that line you HAVE to watch "It's a Wonderful Life". I'm dead serious, you'll thank me later! And, you'll slap your mother. Hmmph! never seen "It's a Wonderful Life"! No kidding, if I have to waste my whole post to convince you, it would be worth it!! But you're smart, and I won't have to do that. Some day when I'm all caught up I may write my autobieulogy. That's what it's called when you write your own eulogy - from now on. I think I just coined a new word. How much do I get for that? Maybe just royalities. I'd be happy with a quarter everytime someone says autobieulogy. I would do writing workshops on that. My eulogy would start out, "Now of what you are about to hear, I am dead serious. Maybe this time you will believe me. I really don't like casseroles, chesse on brockley, grits, ice cream or much of anthing except pizza or hamburger, none of which would interest me at the moment". But it's Christmas time and I don't want to think about writing about dying right now.
I've been Christmas shopping and having a pretty good time. I had Christmas music on the radio, until they played Christmas Shoe and Blue Christmas back to back. That was about all I could take. Christmas Shoe is still dumb. I had to hear it once more to be sure. I think I'm right! There was a Beach Boys cd playing so things were fine again. Of course the stores were playing Christmas music. I missed church this morning but made it for Sunday school. We shared about the good and bad of the year 2008 for our families. Some lost jobs, some got jobs, some lost parents, some gained grandchildren. Evryone shared that there were some peaks and some valleys this year. You just have to remember when you are in the valley, that you were on a peak and you will be on a peak again and remember to take God with you to both. "It's a Wonderful Life" is about a guy named George Bailey. who was in the bigest slump and it looked like he might go to jail for something that was not his doing. He finally came to the conclusion that his family would be better off if he was dead and they collected on his life insurance policy. Then Clarence Oddbody ASII (Angel second class) shows up to show George what the world would have been like if he'd never been born. He says, "You look like the kind of angel I'd get".
other lines:
I was saving up for a divorce in case I ever get me a husband.
Teacher says, When a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.
You call this a home, why do we have to have all of these kids?
George Bailey lasso's the stork.
Zu Zu's petals!
No man is poor if he has friends.
To my brother, the richest man in town.
There's a million of them!
You have to watch this movie,
Merry Christmas!
Watch it!!!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
My Generation!
Hi Guys,
I like that salutation, but most people probably don't identify. It's from the old deodorant commercial. Right guard, I think. This guy would be standing in front of his medicine cabinet, as we used to call it. He would open the mirrored door and someone on the other side would say "Hi Guy!" and proceed to tell him things like "You don't actually wear those 5-day deodorant pads under your arms. Then there was the wet-head is dead! I liked that. No more brill cream, Vitalis, hair tonic and all that. Thank my generation for the "dry look". My generation also brought color tv. Ironically, most of the best movies were black and white. Yeah, we brought in a lot of trash. Someone please take that out. Cars became cool in the sixties, bucket seats, four on the floor, muscle cars. How 'bout rock and roll? I know some of it's bad. But some is good. You don't put down painting just because some idiots paint bad things. Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. In the old days, way before my time, families used to share the bath water. They had to bring it in from outside and take a bath in a big wash tub. Adults first, then kids and then babies. By the time the little baby got her turn the water would be so dirty that when they threw it out, someone would holler, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". Thank my generation for clothes dryers, microwaves and hamburger stands.
Most of the old rock and rollers are now in their sixties, of course, I'm not. I saw a movie a while back bout this guy who put together group of really old timers to form a rock group. These guys were so old that sometimes one of them would croak before the performance. You never knew who would live to be in the next show. They sang rock and roll stuff! I don't think they sang "My Generation" but it would have been perfect. Often when I hear a song now, I listen to it with the mindset of an old-timer. Try it! You'll be surprised how often it makes sense!
You have to picture these guys with their spectacles, hearing aides, walkers and wheelchairs!
My Generation by The Who
People try to put us d-down (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we get around (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Things they do look awful c-c-cold (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I hope I die before I get old (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
Why don't you all f-fade away (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
And don't try to dig what we all s-s-say (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm not trying to cause a big s-s-sensation (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm just talkin' 'bout my g-g-g-generation (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
Why don't you all f-fade away (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
And don't try to d-dig what we all s-s-say (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm not trying to cause a b-big s-s-sensation (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm just talkin' 'bout my g-g-generation (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
People try to put us d-down (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we g-g-get around (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Things they do look awful c-c-cold (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Yeah, I hope I die before I get old (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
Want to hear it? This video has a Tommy Smothers introduction. You'll have to copy and past this. I'm lucky to be on here at all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xZOrWK6d4g
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye - I say Hello.
Good-Bye
I like that salutation, but most people probably don't identify. It's from the old deodorant commercial. Right guard, I think. This guy would be standing in front of his medicine cabinet, as we used to call it. He would open the mirrored door and someone on the other side would say "Hi Guy!" and proceed to tell him things like "You don't actually wear those 5-day deodorant pads under your arms. Then there was the wet-head is dead! I liked that. No more brill cream, Vitalis, hair tonic and all that. Thank my generation for the "dry look". My generation also brought color tv. Ironically, most of the best movies were black and white. Yeah, we brought in a lot of trash. Someone please take that out. Cars became cool in the sixties, bucket seats, four on the floor, muscle cars. How 'bout rock and roll? I know some of it's bad. But some is good. You don't put down painting just because some idiots paint bad things. Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. In the old days, way before my time, families used to share the bath water. They had to bring it in from outside and take a bath in a big wash tub. Adults first, then kids and then babies. By the time the little baby got her turn the water would be so dirty that when they threw it out, someone would holler, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". Thank my generation for clothes dryers, microwaves and hamburger stands.
Most of the old rock and rollers are now in their sixties, of course, I'm not. I saw a movie a while back bout this guy who put together group of really old timers to form a rock group. These guys were so old that sometimes one of them would croak before the performance. You never knew who would live to be in the next show. They sang rock and roll stuff! I don't think they sang "My Generation" but it would have been perfect. Often when I hear a song now, I listen to it with the mindset of an old-timer. Try it! You'll be surprised how often it makes sense!
You have to picture these guys with their spectacles, hearing aides, walkers and wheelchairs!
My Generation by The Who
People try to put us d-down (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we get around (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Things they do look awful c-c-cold (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I hope I die before I get old (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
Why don't you all f-fade away (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
And don't try to dig what we all s-s-say (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm not trying to cause a big s-s-sensation (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm just talkin' 'bout my g-g-g-generation (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
Why don't you all f-fade away (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
And don't try to d-dig what we all s-s-say (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm not trying to cause a b-big s-s-sensation (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I'm just talkin' 'bout my g-g-generation (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
People try to put us d-down (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we g-g-get around (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Things they do look awful c-c-cold (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Yeah, I hope I die before I get old (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
This is my generation
This is my generation, baby
Want to hear it? This video has a Tommy Smothers introduction. You'll have to copy and past this. I'm lucky to be on here at all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xZOrWK6d4g
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye - I say Hello.
Good-Bye
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Dentally Incompetant
Hellow Fellows and Girl Fellows,
I made that journey back to the office of Dr.D. this afternoon. I was lucky. Wendi drew the short straw and had to decrud the left side of my mouth. Before I could warm the dental couch thing, Wendi had hung the gas mask over my face and turned on the juice. Wendi is now my Gas-Girl and I mean that in the most gentlemanly way possible. I think she must have gotten a new tank, because this stuff was working! I didn't care if Uncle Novocaine came in or not, but later I would care! I knew he was coming because she put the gel/creme stuff in my mouth with the three, two-foot long Q-tips. I held them there for seventeen minutes. She came back during intermission to see if everything was still okay? I said "More sweet tea please", but then remembered this was not a restaurant. The waiting fooled me. Besides, I was off to other adventures. Then Dr. D. came in with the Novocaine. The gas was working so well, even he looked cute. Then came the 1/4 inch foot-long needle with the football pump syringe. You ever see a large ship pull into harbor? They pull in real slow, like slow motion, like Slow Bruce-Blue Spruce. Read yesterdays post. When they finally make contact with the huge rubber stoppers, they bounce 2 or 3 times before coming to a stop. That's what this hyperdemeric is like, only there's nothing hyper about it. I think one of those needles came out thru my left cheek and I'm not talking facial. Anyway, the Christmas music was playing, the manger scene was set up and I was just fine.Even if I did have to grip my own flesh a little tighter! I'm having this wonderful time and then it hits me. I could write a screenplay about a comedian who has run dry. When he goes to the dentist and gets this laughing gas, he gets inspired! I'll get Steve Martin to play the part. He's lying there and his cell phone vibrates. He answers it, Herrow? This is the brank? Yeth, I'm weady to move ahead with the roan. Rokay, rill trok wraater. He takes this routine to the nite club and they love it. He does this act for two weeks. but then he needs another act. So he has to go back to the dentist. He pulls a filling loose so he can get an emergency appointment. The gas is doing it's thing and he's writing a routine about an elephant keeper who has a date with a girl who thinks he is a CIA agent. Of course he can't get rid of the odor, so he goes thru these wild and crazy schemes to keep her from getting too close, even though he very much wants her to get too close. Back to me. I'm lying here thinking of silly thoughts and occasionally I have to stifle a belly laugh. Part of me is near hysterical and the other part is in serious pain. Did you ever see The Two Headed Transplant. They transplanted the head of this escaped convict onto the shoulder of this very tall, large mentally handicapped young man. When they woke up, the criminal head didn't miss a beat. Come on, let's get out of here. He proceeded to do bad things. The other head was crying, because he was a good soul. It's kind of like that. I'm telling myself focus on the fun me and ignore the hurting me. It's like trying not to think of a purple possum. The more you try, the harder it is. But I did overcome. Then there was another problem. I was too happy. I was in danger of doing the Elvis sneer. The curled lip. That happens when you try to stifle a laugh. I didn't want Wendy to think I was laughing, or impersonating Elvis. She might just think my lip was itching. Every now and then I would get the three taps on the chin to let me know to close up on Mr. Sippie. I then realized how numb my face was. It was soon over. I went to my car and the Johnny Rivers cd was playing. I started to sing along and realized I sounded pretty darn good.
I washed my hands, in muddy water.
I washed my ha-ands, but they wouldn't come clean.
I tried to do-o, what my daddy taught me, oh yeah,
But I must have washed my hands in a muddy stream!
You see, when one of your cheeks (that's face) is numb, it makes you sound just like a country singer. You can kinda get the idea by pinching as much of one cheek (facial) as you can and then hold that while you sing. The other way would be to get a big plug of "Bull of the Woods" chewing tobacco or "Cold Turkey" or "Devils Chewing Gum" and stick that in your cheek. Only problem is pretty soon you got yourself two mouths, cause that stuff will eat right thru. So you can sing country songs and sip beer at the same time, making every country singers dream come true!
I said warden, when's my time up?
He said son, you know we won't forget.
And if you try to just keep your hands clean, uh-huh
We just might make a good man of you yet!
Hot dog! I just found me two new careers! Also I could be a prize fighter, you know a boxer. When my face is numb, I won't feel a thing. I won't care how hard they hit me. If I can just figure a way to get the gas out there.
Well I couldn't wait, to get my time in.
I broke out, broke out the Nashville Jail.
I just crossed Atlanta Georgia, uh-huh,
And I can hear those bloodhounds on my trail.
Yep I'm thinking about adding a DDS to the end of my name. Dental Dependent Syndrome. Hows that for an idea? If you get a disease or have a bad habit, that gets added to the end of your name. Because they will soon discriminate against smokers or overweight people in matters of qualifying for health insurance. Your premiums could go up. Sam Walker DKR (drinker). Sue Mallard SMKR. Tom Brown HHD. (hot head) Jean Smith LBN (lame brain) I do not know anyone by these names, so if it happens to be your name, I'm not talking about you. So you could say Ralph UpJohn PRND (paranoid)
so long, Merry Christmas! Walt Lewis GGR
I was born, in Macon Georgia,
They kept my daddy, in the Macon Jail
And he said son, If you keep your hands clean, uh-huh,
You won't hear those bloodhounds on your trail.
I washed my hands, in muddy water............
I made that journey back to the office of Dr.D. this afternoon. I was lucky. Wendi drew the short straw and had to decrud the left side of my mouth. Before I could warm the dental couch thing, Wendi had hung the gas mask over my face and turned on the juice. Wendi is now my Gas-Girl and I mean that in the most gentlemanly way possible. I think she must have gotten a new tank, because this stuff was working! I didn't care if Uncle Novocaine came in or not, but later I would care! I knew he was coming because she put the gel/creme stuff in my mouth with the three, two-foot long Q-tips. I held them there for seventeen minutes. She came back during intermission to see if everything was still okay? I said "More sweet tea please", but then remembered this was not a restaurant. The waiting fooled me. Besides, I was off to other adventures. Then Dr. D. came in with the Novocaine. The gas was working so well, even he looked cute. Then came the 1/4 inch foot-long needle with the football pump syringe. You ever see a large ship pull into harbor? They pull in real slow, like slow motion, like Slow Bruce-Blue Spruce. Read yesterdays post. When they finally make contact with the huge rubber stoppers, they bounce 2 or 3 times before coming to a stop. That's what this hyperdemeric is like, only there's nothing hyper about it. I think one of those needles came out thru my left cheek and I'm not talking facial. Anyway, the Christmas music was playing, the manger scene was set up and I was just fine.Even if I did have to grip my own flesh a little tighter! I'm having this wonderful time and then it hits me. I could write a screenplay about a comedian who has run dry. When he goes to the dentist and gets this laughing gas, he gets inspired! I'll get Steve Martin to play the part. He's lying there and his cell phone vibrates. He answers it, Herrow? This is the brank? Yeth, I'm weady to move ahead with the roan. Rokay, rill trok wraater. He takes this routine to the nite club and they love it. He does this act for two weeks. but then he needs another act. So he has to go back to the dentist. He pulls a filling loose so he can get an emergency appointment. The gas is doing it's thing and he's writing a routine about an elephant keeper who has a date with a girl who thinks he is a CIA agent. Of course he can't get rid of the odor, so he goes thru these wild and crazy schemes to keep her from getting too close, even though he very much wants her to get too close. Back to me. I'm lying here thinking of silly thoughts and occasionally I have to stifle a belly laugh. Part of me is near hysterical and the other part is in serious pain. Did you ever see The Two Headed Transplant. They transplanted the head of this escaped convict onto the shoulder of this very tall, large mentally handicapped young man. When they woke up, the criminal head didn't miss a beat. Come on, let's get out of here. He proceeded to do bad things. The other head was crying, because he was a good soul. It's kind of like that. I'm telling myself focus on the fun me and ignore the hurting me. It's like trying not to think of a purple possum. The more you try, the harder it is. But I did overcome. Then there was another problem. I was too happy. I was in danger of doing the Elvis sneer. The curled lip. That happens when you try to stifle a laugh. I didn't want Wendy to think I was laughing, or impersonating Elvis. She might just think my lip was itching. Every now and then I would get the three taps on the chin to let me know to close up on Mr. Sippie. I then realized how numb my face was. It was soon over. I went to my car and the Johnny Rivers cd was playing. I started to sing along and realized I sounded pretty darn good.
I washed my hands, in muddy water.
I washed my ha-ands, but they wouldn't come clean.
I tried to do-o, what my daddy taught me, oh yeah,
But I must have washed my hands in a muddy stream!
You see, when one of your cheeks (that's face) is numb, it makes you sound just like a country singer. You can kinda get the idea by pinching as much of one cheek (facial) as you can and then hold that while you sing. The other way would be to get a big plug of "Bull of the Woods" chewing tobacco or "Cold Turkey" or "Devils Chewing Gum" and stick that in your cheek. Only problem is pretty soon you got yourself two mouths, cause that stuff will eat right thru. So you can sing country songs and sip beer at the same time, making every country singers dream come true!
I said warden, when's my time up?
He said son, you know we won't forget.
And if you try to just keep your hands clean, uh-huh
We just might make a good man of you yet!
Hot dog! I just found me two new careers! Also I could be a prize fighter, you know a boxer. When my face is numb, I won't feel a thing. I won't care how hard they hit me. If I can just figure a way to get the gas out there.
Well I couldn't wait, to get my time in.
I broke out, broke out the Nashville Jail.
I just crossed Atlanta Georgia, uh-huh,
And I can hear those bloodhounds on my trail.
Yep I'm thinking about adding a DDS to the end of my name. Dental Dependent Syndrome. Hows that for an idea? If you get a disease or have a bad habit, that gets added to the end of your name. Because they will soon discriminate against smokers or overweight people in matters of qualifying for health insurance. Your premiums could go up. Sam Walker DKR (drinker). Sue Mallard SMKR. Tom Brown HHD. (hot head) Jean Smith LBN (lame brain) I do not know anyone by these names, so if it happens to be your name, I'm not talking about you. So you could say Ralph UpJohn PRND (paranoid)
so long, Merry Christmas! Walt Lewis GGR
I was born, in Macon Georgia,
They kept my daddy, in the Macon Jail
And he said son, If you keep your hands clean, uh-huh,
You won't hear those bloodhounds on your trail.
I washed my hands, in muddy water............
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Slow Bruce - A Christmas Tree Saga
Hi guys!
I mentioned my Christmas Tree that we practically stole for $35. I wondered what could be wrong with a tree that's 10 feet tall, 6 feet wide, smells great, has a straight trunk and even has a firm top on which to attach our heavy star. As Elwood P. Dowd would say, it's a little spiffed! It can't stand up straight. I named my tree because when he falls, it's in slow motion. You can see him begin to fall from across the room and then just like OJ in the UPS commercial, sprinting thru the airport, jumping turnstiles you can get there in time to catch him. His name is Bruce, Slow Bruce! Try that line on the chicks. I call him Slow Bruce-Blue Spruce. He fell over, with all of the lights wound around his waist 20 times. And all of those ornaments. What a mess. Of course the three gallons of water all spilled out too. Aaron and I got him stood back up. About an hour later, I had all the lights back up.
Undie Regulation:
This is not about the guys that wear their levi's at half mast. I'm talking about regulation as in with utilities. At first we regulated them. Then some Einstein got the idea that we should deregulate them and let free enterprise do it's thing. We did that with the gas companies and they all got together and decided to follow congress and just agree on a raise for everyone. All of the Gas Guys. So now they collectively gouge us. I am ready to underegulate them! That's what I meant. You know they charge for your space in the pipeline. How about milk? Do I have to pay for my space in the udder? Because this is udderly rediculous! Saw it coming. I know. I'm sorry. Do we pay for our space in the um - where eggs come from? And who ever was the first one to decide that we should eat something that comes out of a chickens' kazooer? Wish I could think of something like that. Guess I was born at the wrong time. Of course, I would have been dead by now, so. I'm glad I was born when I was. If I had been born later, it would have been difficult for my mother. I was born the same year as the Corvette. That should tell you something. My transmission is slipping, my valves are worn and the seat is in pretty rough shape too! I once had an eye problem. I went to a opthamologist, fireman, general practise, neurologist and finally a neuro-opthamologist. They finally said that I am a classic! That made me feel swell! They took about a gallon of blood to use for future testing and said don't call us - we'll call you - if we find a cure. There probably isn't one unless they take off my head and put on another one that has better eyes and maybe straighter teeth. My drivers license is good until 2017 so hopefully they'll come up with something by then.
I'm going back to the dentist tomorrow for Torture Part II. Guess I'll see the Gas Man again. It seems everywhere I go I am confronted with gas. Perhaps, I'll start a new series entitled "Gas- our friend". It really is. If you could not have gas, you would explode. We need gas for heating, running our cars, anesticizing our mouth at the denist and for whoopee cushions..Yes, gas is our friend. By the way, you may have heard that cow flatulance is more responsible for the ozone problems than motor cars and electric power plants. So when you eat a burger, you are supporting global warming. But hey, it's winter and I think we could use some warming. They say a cold winter ensures a smaller bug population. I have never seen a smaller bug population.
Have a nice evening - may visions of sugar plums dance in your heads! but only if they take thier shoes off.
I mentioned my Christmas Tree that we practically stole for $35. I wondered what could be wrong with a tree that's 10 feet tall, 6 feet wide, smells great, has a straight trunk and even has a firm top on which to attach our heavy star. As Elwood P. Dowd would say, it's a little spiffed! It can't stand up straight. I named my tree because when he falls, it's in slow motion. You can see him begin to fall from across the room and then just like OJ in the UPS commercial, sprinting thru the airport, jumping turnstiles you can get there in time to catch him. His name is Bruce, Slow Bruce! Try that line on the chicks. I call him Slow Bruce-Blue Spruce. He fell over, with all of the lights wound around his waist 20 times. And all of those ornaments. What a mess. Of course the three gallons of water all spilled out too. Aaron and I got him stood back up. About an hour later, I had all the lights back up.
Undie Regulation:
This is not about the guys that wear their levi's at half mast. I'm talking about regulation as in with utilities. At first we regulated them. Then some Einstein got the idea that we should deregulate them and let free enterprise do it's thing. We did that with the gas companies and they all got together and decided to follow congress and just agree on a raise for everyone. All of the Gas Guys. So now they collectively gouge us. I am ready to underegulate them! That's what I meant. You know they charge for your space in the pipeline. How about milk? Do I have to pay for my space in the udder? Because this is udderly rediculous! Saw it coming. I know. I'm sorry. Do we pay for our space in the um - where eggs come from? And who ever was the first one to decide that we should eat something that comes out of a chickens' kazooer? Wish I could think of something like that. Guess I was born at the wrong time. Of course, I would have been dead by now, so. I'm glad I was born when I was. If I had been born later, it would have been difficult for my mother. I was born the same year as the Corvette. That should tell you something. My transmission is slipping, my valves are worn and the seat is in pretty rough shape too! I once had an eye problem. I went to a opthamologist, fireman, general practise, neurologist and finally a neuro-opthamologist. They finally said that I am a classic! That made me feel swell! They took about a gallon of blood to use for future testing and said don't call us - we'll call you - if we find a cure. There probably isn't one unless they take off my head and put on another one that has better eyes and maybe straighter teeth. My drivers license is good until 2017 so hopefully they'll come up with something by then.
I'm going back to the dentist tomorrow for Torture Part II. Guess I'll see the Gas Man again. It seems everywhere I go I am confronted with gas. Perhaps, I'll start a new series entitled "Gas- our friend". It really is. If you could not have gas, you would explode. We need gas for heating, running our cars, anesticizing our mouth at the denist and for whoopee cushions..Yes, gas is our friend. By the way, you may have heard that cow flatulance is more responsible for the ozone problems than motor cars and electric power plants. So when you eat a burger, you are supporting global warming. But hey, it's winter and I think we could use some warming. They say a cold winter ensures a smaller bug population. I have never seen a smaller bug population.
Have a nice evening - may visions of sugar plums dance in your heads! but only if they take thier shoes off.
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