Wilma, the See and Eye Horse

Hello friends,

In case you haven't noticed strange things are about in the air. Could mean the end is near. Here's one.
Todd Turtlebottom who is legally blind, meaning he is certified to be blind and believe me there is a skill to being blind! I was almost there! Anyhow Todd Turtlebottom was no ordinary non-sighted person. He was from the Lookasillie tribe. The brave Apache warriors were given names like Silver Eagle, Running Buffalo or Fearless Wolf. but the puny Lookasillie tribesmen got names like Scared Rabbit or Turkey Lurkey or Turtlebottom. Todd was determined to claim recognition, so instead of the usual black lab or golden retriever see and eye dog, Todd, in the name of diversity, got a see and eye horse. This was a revolutionary breakthrough for the rights of the blind and the right for animals to work act (RAW act). Now, instead of walking behind a dog, Todd could ride atop the horse. His visibility was increased ten-fold and he was in a much safer position. Of course he had to remember to duck through doorways. Once he ordered a giant roast beef sandwich with fries and then made his own horsey sauce. Todd ordered the same. The next step in Todd's recognition makeover was to marry the horse. And why not! Seeing what passes for love and marriage these days. If we are to be so open minded so as to accept that if two men or women love each other enough, they should be married, then why if a man loves his horse enough, should they not be married. If this is our thinking why not let anyone we love have marriage benefits? We could make them available at fast food restaurants. Brings a whole new meaning to the "Big Mac Attack" or "Have It Your Way". "Where's The Beef?". Going to a movie could be awkward. Horses always laugh at the wrong time!
Oh. well, if the whole world were a vaudeville stage I think God would reach down with His big hook and pull it behind the curtain!

Have a good day! Don't waste the rest of it!

BACK FROM THE DEAD!

WARNING: this may not be funny or valuable in any way, but nobody is holding a gun to your head, are they?

Well I did not die! Can't a guy take a vacation? There are a few ideas floating around in my head. Better there than my kidneys! Otherwise you'd never hear them. Ugghh, floating in kidneys creates a terrible picture. Lucky you! Yeah, I know! I was being sarcastic. Did you know by adding ic to the end of a word, you can often exaggerate it's meaning? Fantastic, spastic, elastic, Jurassic, ballistic, hyperbolic, plastic. Well not every time. Anyway, there is lot's of room in the old melon for ideas. There could be 9000 ideas up there and they would never bump into each other.

Idea 1. Instead of cutting teachers salaries, why not do away with the fourth grade? I'm not saying lay off the fourth grade teachers. But every time a teacher retires, replace them with a fourth grade teacher. Now, some of you may have to move to Michigan or North Mexico. Or is it New Mexico. American History wasn't my "thing". School in general wasn't my thing. I learned everything I need from flash cards! Besides, how can we keep saying New York, New Mexico, New Jersey, New Hampshire? Wasn't the idea to get away from the British? The point is, nobody likes fourth grade. You could cram the important stuff like long division into the end of third grade and the beginning of fifth grade. What knucklehead decided there should be twelve grades to begin with?

Idea 2. Build a wall across the Mexican border!! NOW!! Build a wall out of used tires. We already have to pay a disposal fee for our old tires when we buy new, so use the fees to fund tire shipping. This wall would cost nothing and it would save our landfills. Then allow kudzu too overtake the wall to enhance the beauty of the project and conceal the rattlesnakes and copperheads breeding inside. Border Patrol, your new job is tire truck driver! UPDATE: A few days after this original post, while biking 20 miles on the Comet Trail, I saw a tire wall surrounding a classic car lot (synonymic phrase for junk yard)so I must give them credit, while at the same time it only re-enforces the validity of the tire wall project! I wonder who or what is feeding my brain, because in my attempt to make up a new word, synonymic, I find I have been beat to the punch! Could it be that I accidentally, against all odds, learned something in school? Nah!! Something is messing with me!

Idea 3. Make the presidential term an unrepeatable offense. Maybe include a "back by popular demand" clause, prohibiting the sitting or golfing president from participating in campaigning for hisself (I know it should be himself, but English wasn't my thing) or others and from writing books, but allowing her/him to return if the majority votes for her/him as a write in. Key word is "write" and I mean in English. And let's stop paying politicians to champion causes for segments of society based on race, natural origin or gender. If you're an American citizen you AUTOMATICALLY HAVE FULL RIGHTS. If not, over the tire wall you go!

Sorry - way too political!

Idea 4. Stop importing cars! If the foreigners want to sell cars here, let them build the cars here with American made parts and let the profits stay here. Give them American names like Toy-Okra, RHonda, Folkswagon and how about a supersize suv called the Plantation? If you start off the sentence as a demonstrative statement (pardon my redundance) and end up as a rhetorical question, how do you punctuate it? Rhetoric, there's the ic thing again in all of it's superboli! I like the word redundance! It can be broken down all sorts of ways. But it does not mean repetitive as commonly mispercieved. It means excess. So I may have forty pounds of redundant weight! Or more. I reckon if you wanted it to mean repetitive, you could just say rerundance. Or just repetitive. There's a whole industry built around rerundant words. Words that mean the same thing as other words. There is a whole book full of them. The main use of the book is to help uncreative students conceal plagiarism. I don't know why teachers insist that students rewrite what the professional writers, with all of their proofreeders and editors have perfected. They are totally, completely, absolutely unnecessary. They are unquestionably and without a doubt not needed. No wonder our young people are so frustrated!

Oh,well. I've completed my assignment. It may not be pullover prize material, but perhaps I will pass.

I've Got A Secret!

HELLO! This is Tony Bologna, host of the famous TV game show, I'VE GOT A SECRET! For those of you who are new to the show, that would be anyone born in the last 20 minutes, this is the show where a guest appears with an unusual or perverted secret, and our incredibly famous panel tries to guess the secret. Actually, we invite panelist who are not the sharpest cheese in the deli, otherwise the show would be over in 5 minutes and no one would stay tuned for the "brought to you bys".I'll introduce the first panelist. She is the vivacious Jane Fonda. Hi I'm the ever-chic Jane Fonda and I'm fond-a the panelist to my left Mr. "If it ain't Barack don't fix it" O'Bama! I'm proud to introduce the person who inspired me to become great!! When, as a child, I saw her on TV, I thought, if a nun could fly, perhaps I could play for the Chicago Bulls or maybe just become president of a country like Hawaii or USA or Muguambe (Moo-gwam-bay - place that doesn't eat cows) since I was born in one of those. Anyway, here is Sally Fields! Hi, I am Sally Fields and I do hope you'll see my upcoming movie "Gidget Goes To Congress In A Handbasket". I have this one body and I'm trying to make it cute for as long as I can. The next panelist, though last is, well, it's Tom Hanks who, for his short life has been in so many movies! Hanks for the Memories! Hi, I'm Tom Hanks and if I had another movie to make, you know I wouldn't be here.

Okay it's back to me Tony Balonga, uh Bologna (it's supposed to rhyme) bet you forgot about me over here. I's time for that special part of our show where we sing our special little theme song. All together now: M-I-C-see you real soon!---K-E-Y-- -Why? because we- Oh, that's studio C. Pardon me. Now it's time to introduce our mystery guest with an unusual or perverted secret to the audience. Our secret guest is Donleve Haum Withotic. His secret is that he invented the first daytime diaper for adults who have tried Activia, Pepto-Dismal and Chaos-Pectate unsuccessfully. Let's begin by telling our panel a little about our guest. Our guest today is Donleve Haum Withotic and his secret is not MasterCard! Okay Jane, let's see if you can stumble upon Mr. Withotic's secret.
Jane: Mr. Withotic, I spent some time in Vietnam. Does your secret have anything to do with Vietnam?
Mr. Withotic: No, but I enjoyed seeing you in "Cat Ballou".
Jane: I was once married to Ted Turner.Does it have anything to do with Ted Turner? Donlev: Well, generally everything connects to Ted Turner in some way. When I think of Ted, it does remind me of my secret.
Tony: Okay let's see if Barack can solve this mystery, since he hasn't done much with the economy.
B.O.: Mr. Withotic, can I just call you Homey? Would your secret have anything to do with the White House?
Donleve: Actually that's where I got the idea from.
B.O.: Would this secret be qualified by my stimulus package?
Donleve: I'm afraid you're getting dangerously close to my secret, Mr. O'Bama! Tony: Okay, Silly, uh Sally, time for you to fly in and save the day!
Sally: I played a nun on TV and I think it's time for you to confess. Tell me your secret!
Donleve: This is not Moondoggie you're dealing with here. You're going to have to try a little harder than that!
Sally: Does your secret involve Burnt Reynolds?
Donleve: I'm not sure, but if not, it will soon!
Tony: Allright Tom Hanks, jump in that Volcano and save the day!
Tom: I have no response for that.
Tony: I believe that's Meg Ryan's line.
Tom: Right! Tell me now Donleve, does your secret have anything to do with running? Donleve: My secret is more to do with not running.
Tom: To infinity and beyond!
Tony: I believe that's Buz Lightyear's line.
Tom: Right! I went to the moon once - in a movie. Could this secret be something to do with going to the moon?
Donleve: In fact moon expeditions is what funded my initial research.
Tony: Okay folks, time is running out and it's such a shame! Some of you are literally sitting on the answer! Mr. Donleve Haum Withotic is the inventer of adult diapers - for those who couldn't make it otherwise. As a special surprise, everyone in our studio audience will receive a special "I've Got A Secret Edition" gift box of adult "Prevents" diapers. I noticed a few of you were leaving your seat during the show.

THIS HAS BEEN A "WACHER BACH-YURDON FORE PRODUCTION"

You didn't think I was gonna take the blame for it!? _

The Joys Of Pepper!

Hello it's me! Don't feel much like writing or what passes for writing so on this rare magmanamous occasion, in an effort to reach a more diverse audience, I am deferring my column to the ever famous, but sometimes quirky Famalda Hyde. Dr.Ms. Hyde is the best selling author of "Me First" and "What I Put In My Mouth Comes Out..". She has sold more of these books than anybody. She is the uncontested authority of pepperology and other hot stuff. So without further unnecessary build-up and fluff, here is Ms. Dr, Famalda Hyde! Enjoy!

Let me begin by saying that the world is in one big fat ugly mess! Not much we can do about that, but we can work on our own bodies. There are two obvious areas that need addressing - diet and exercise. My answer to both of those is PEPPER! Let's have a history lesson! Let's don't. Who said that? I'm writing this drivel! And for very little pay, I might add! HISTORY LESSON!

The history of pepper, "King of Spices" is the most fascinating of all spices! It dates back over 4000 years, yes before the Beatles. Yes, back in minus 1990 pepper was considered more valuable than gold. It was traded world-wide. Attila the Hun, not to be confused with Attila the delicatessen, demanded pepper as a ransom for Rome. Beginning with the Middle Ages, pepper was the key commodity of the European spice trade. Now just to keep the time line straight, the Middle Ages covered a period of time from the 5th to the 15th century. So, figuring backwards, which always works out best, that means the beginning of time was 500 B.C. and the end of time will be 2500 A.D. So let the good times roll! Anyhow, the Italian pepperers cornered the market by controlling the trade routes which was the beginning of the protection racket and the mafia as we know it. Had not pepper been legalized it would be smuggled in from India and sold on the black market today. Now that we know the history of pepper, we can take it with a grain of salt.
Now for a lesson in Horticulture. No! Yes! I'm writing this!
Pepper is the fruit of a venous plant, so is it a fruit or a spice? Technically it is a spruit. To further muddy the water, it is called a peppercorn, which does not make it a vegetable. Black pepper, although called a corn, is really a dried unripe berry. You might think of it as a raisin. Then again, you might think of Nancy Pelosi as Mother Teresa, but if you do, I have some Enron stock I'd like to sell you. White pepper starts out the same as black.

The world is black,
The world is white,
It turns by day,
And then by night

- Three Dog Night

Do you see how everything fits together?

Oh yeah, white pepper. White pepper is black pepper that is allowed to vine ripen and is then soaked in water until the shell falls off. Never seen white pepper? Because people are too impatient for it. Green pepper is harvested before it becomes mature and pink pepper comes from the French Island of Reunion. Figures.

Culinary Uses:
Black pepper can be ground into glass jars with holes in the lid and sprinkled on most foods although is not recommended on ice cream. White pepper is used in sauces where speckling is not desired. Mash green peppercorns with cinnamon or garlic or mix it in a sauce or use it to make butter. Pink peppercorns may be pulverized and infused into aerosol cans and sprayed on festive peacocks (plastic, not live).

Medical Report:
Pepper, sold as an over the counter remedy, can and will stimulant your taste buds and bring about reflux of gastric secretions which greatly improve digestion, possibly to the point of enabling you to leap tall buildings, jump hurdles and run the 100 yard dash in 9 seconds. Also supports flatulence which pollutes the environment, but why would you want to keep all that inside? The word pollute comes from the Russian root word, poot. Think our voters are crazy? Would someone name Pootin' ever get elected here? Pepper also depresses the appetite. If everything I ate had that strong peppery taste, I'd cut back.
I want to thank Wally for allowing me to guest write today and have one more thing to say. Please don't bother suing. I can only pay you off in pepper! Please read my upcoming books, "A World Without Pepper" and "What Do I Do With All Of This Pepper?"

Hey, me again! My apologies to all of you who really couldn't care less about pepper. Now you have found out, you really could care less. Perhaps in the future I might get her brother Raw Hyde to fill in.

Thought I'd end with a little poem

What are little boys made of?
Snakes and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of !"
What are little girls made of?
"Sugar and spice and everything thing nice
That's what little girls are made of!"

No wonder boys get off to a bad start! I've been told that all my life!

BAH!

RIGHT OF THE LIGHTS

i WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A NEW SYNDROME. IT'S CALLED STUCK ON 'ALL CAPS SYNDROME'. No, I'm not yelling at you. That was a mistake. I'm honest, so if you see other mustakes, it's just so you know I'm not prefect! The new syndrome I discovered is called "Right Of The lights" syndrome. I first became aware of it when my eyesight began to fail. If certain driving conditions exist after dark, like darkness, narrow unlined streets, rain and oncoming traffic,I observed that I can not see the lane in which I'm driving. Since these parameters have been removed from me, I must embrace another set of assumptions.
They are:
1.The drivers of the other vehicles have normal vision.
2. They will maintain lane congruence in the interest of their own safety.
3. They are not suicidal.
4. If oncoming traffic is approaching in their own lane, then there must be a lane for me, just to the right of where they are driving.
5. It is not my time to die.

So, when these conditions occur, I simply observe the trajectory of the oncoming vehicle and direct my vehicle to the imaginary lane, to the right of their headlights. I submit the fact that I am still here writing this dribble, as certification for the validity of my syndrome. I don't know how much a syndrome creator gets paid, but I hope it's enough to hire a driver.

The syndrome does not end here, or should I explain that it did not originate from here? You see in some cases, it is a personality disorder. In early childhood it is called the "Sock Twirling Syndrome". If a small child is handed a pair of socks with instructions to put them on his/her feet, he will do one of two things. Either he will put one on the left foot and the other on the right, or he will simply sit there and twirl the socks. I was a chronic sock twirler! If there was a Sock Twirlers Anonymous Association, I by very nature, would find a way around it. A sock twirler learns how to compensate for his shortcomings (lapses in responsibility) by filling in the gaps with assumptions and observations. He may ask a classmate to repeat what the teacher said, but never the teacher. If he doesn't understand something, there is a 75% chance some other student did not either. He simply waits for them to ask the embarrassing question and pays attention this time. If no one else asks the stupid question he will compensate by making a bad grade. He is sometimes mistaken for being stupid. But because he has exercised his powers of observation, he develops a very sharp mind which is sensitive to the motives and feelings of others. This skill enables him to calculate the outcome of many various ventures, saving him much valuable time which can be spent squinting at old TV reruns. When it comes time for vision test, he will fake his way through it, because, at least in the sixties, you could be cool and stupid at the same time, but not cool and dorky. Thus he learns when there is an uncomfortable situation, he can usually steer around it, much the same as a blind adult can steer to the right of the lights. This, aversion to learning (ATL) thing, turns out to be a benefit, since many of the former teachings are no longer considered facts. Bytheway, I started out in the ATL school system so that might also explain some things.

By the way, later in life he will progress to the next phase, commonly called senility. Then, at last, he will appear to be normal.

Peace everyone! And remember, it's your abnormalities that make you special!

FIVE BURGERS AND A GUY!

"Five Burgers and a Guy", that might be the title to my next autobiography. I'm planning to write this one about myself. Is it selfish to write about yourself in an autobiography? I'm not all that impressed that it took five guys to come up with a burger. I'm more interested in a - no, that doesn't sound right. I'm not interested in guys at all! I'd be more impressed by a guy who could eat five burgers. Not that that he'd get my vote for president. Then again, seeing what we have, he might be better qualified! What might his qualifications be?

1. He would be a true American. To my knowledge, none of the ingredients in a hamburger come from foreign lands.
2. He would be politically incorrect. Like that!
3. He would be curious enough to check out the oil spill.
4. He would not be out to re-invent the wheel, or the health-scare system.
5. He would be a man who sets high goals and acheives them.
6. He would be a man you could sit down and talk to, especially if you had hamburgers. A good listener.
7. Remember Hamburger Hill? Good! Me neither!

SO...Wimpie for President!!

Other news...
MARTA has, in an effort to cut costs, decided to close restrooms in MARTA Stations. They are also planning to eliminate 9 positions. I assume two of them would be sitting and standing.

While the North American economy seems to be careening down the highway of debt, the president was allegedly quoted as saying, "America can't just stick it's foot out".

The Fourth of July is fast approaching and some see that as discriminatory saying, "We don't celebrate the "fourth" of any other month"!

Anyway, Happy Independence Day!!

Farmer John's Eating Plan

Hello Friends!

Since the last time I wrote, I went to see my doctor, you know,I call him Dr TV Doctor. He actually went pretty easy on me. Considering he almost killed me, I guess that was the least he could do. And it was his birthday. The prescription he gave me for my triglycerides worked great! My triglycerides plummeted faster than Barock Obama in the popularity pole. You know, I never noticed his initials were B.O. And he still won! And neither Barack or Obama are recognized by spell check. Anyway, my liver enzymes shot up like weeds after a spring rain. So I said goodbye to Fibrates and hello to my liver. I only have one liver and I lovher.

As a consolation, he advised me to do Waist Watchers. At least he didn't ask me to do Jenny Craig! She can't be a very nice girl. He said I'd probably have a hundred reasons not to, but that if he told me of an investment that would return 30%, I would surely find the money to put into it. I wanted to know more about the investment. Well, I claim all of the 100 reasons plus one more. IT'S AGAINST MY RELIGION!! What self respecting male would subscribe to a diet plan? I don't like the idea of paying someone else for the pounds I lose. Under those rules, I would work as hard as I could to not lose the weight. I'd gain ten pounds and then they'd owe me! It's like at work they have a dress code because we want to APPEAR like professionals. We must wear slacks and collard shirts. OK, they have the right. Call me a rebel, but I couldn't find any shirts with collards on them. But on occasion you are allowed to wear jeans, if you donate money. Call me stubborn, but I dislike the idea of paying someone money in order to wear my own clothes!

But you know, there are no diet plans for men. But that's ok, because real men don't get pedicures or go on diets! See, body building sounds better than diet or weight control. All men want to build their bodies! And no man wants to do Jenny Craig..unless you mean..never mind! I'm calling my new plan."Farmer John".
Farmer John only has six rules.
!. If it grows on a farm you can eat it.
2. If your mother didn't tell you how much you can eat, then neither will I.
3. If it can be grilled, deep fried or boiled, you can eat it.
4. If it don't eat you, you can eat it.
5. If it has an English name, you can eat it.
6. You can eat it.

Now don't let rule five slide by. It's the only restrictive rule in there, but it's important. Have you ever eaten pig snot unawares? Well you can't answer that, can you? Because if you were unaware, then you wouldn't know. All of the restaurants think by repeating the name of their latest ingredient over and over, people will order every item on the menu that features said ingredient. If,
you don't learn anything else from this, please remember that I can spell ingredient with out spellcheck..so just WATCH OUT! For example, chipotle or habernara sauce. You see, I don't know what those are or how we got along without them for so long. Our soup dejour for the day is steamed crushed baby broccoli smothered in a rich sus crofa proboscis sauce. yeah, look it up. i did and I'm not eating it! I'm not sure, but I think "dejour" means leftover.

Here's the plan:
No books to buy.
No meetings to attend,
No food restictions (except number five - must have an english name)
No weigh-ins.
No blood tests.
No pre-packaged foods to buy.

So what, you may ask, is the catch? You may. All I want is for about 100,000 people to send me five dollars for permission to try my plan. No risk, No obligation. No brow beating. If the plan doesn't work for you, simply quit!
Send all monies to:

Farmer John Eating Plan
312 Ifoola U
Bigtime Ga 10101