Things are not what they seem - or are they?

Hi folks,

Hope things are well with you. Me? I've got 20/20 vision! You know, I see things 20 feet away as if it were 20 blocks. Or some times, not at all! Better yet, sometimes I see things that aren't even there, without medication. But I'm no fool! Big surprise. I don't speak everything I see. I have learned not to trust my eyes, or my brain. When I see something strange, I wait until I get a little closer before I speak, because that might not have been an elephant in the neighbors driveway. The other night, I was sitting at my usual place on the couch, where only I, normally sit. And sometimes eat - food. I was sitting there and looked down beside me and saw what appeared to be a small morsel of food. It looked like a bean or a piece of a pretzel or something. I had a decision to make. We make decisions all day long. Do I wear this shirt or that one? Do I watch Becker or My Name is Earl? Do I bomb Afghanistan or hoist a few with Rev. Wright? Here's the thing. (A)I could put this thing in the trash can, but that would be labor intensive. (B) I could give it to Rusty Bullet (my dog), but he was comfortably curled up with my wife. Something is wrong with that scenario. (3) I could just eat it. Now am I a 56 year old or a 56 week old? You judge. I assumed I had previously dropped this thing (5 hour rule) so it should be okay to eat. So, I put this unknown substance in my mouth. This was one of those situations where you don't have to wait to see if your choice was right. I decided this thing might have been some kind of pill. But first, I decided to clutch my throat and run past the trash can, where I could have deposited the thing, grab the nearest glass and drink tap water! It's like the time at Pizza Hut when I decided to to taste one of those things, that you sprinkle on food from a bottle on the table. I drank the whole pitcher of coke. I apologized and bought the Johnsons another pitcher. You're supposed to scrape microscopic slithers off these little things and stir them into a bath tub full of chili. You could serve this to the entire house of representatives. Without TUMS. Let's see how many vacate their seats! Needless to say, I won't be doing anything like that again. Not for a long time! Unless I become ????? What's that word for people who can't remember things?
I did learn my lesson. We were all put here for a reason. I think I was put here to learn not to do stupid things. The only reason I'm still here. is because I am still afflicted with chronic stupidity. God doesn't want stupid people in heaven. I'm kidding! Stop worrying. God loves stupid people. He must, or He wouldn't have made so many of them! (old but still funny) I like spray deodorant. That way the applicator doesn't have to touch your armpit, or anyone else's. Besides, that cool mist is refreshing! I've had this tall green can of Brut on my bathroom counter for a year or so now. It quit working shortly after I bought it. This made me sad. I figured the nozzle had become clogged. Makes sense. My dad abstains from using deodorant. I guess at that age, who cares what you smell like. He always said, "If something can make you stop sweating, what else is it doing to you. Your body is supposed to sweat". Well, the other day I decided to try this Brut deodorant one more time before throwing it away. I thought of aiming this into my mouth or some other crazy place, because I was 99.97% sure it wouldn't work. But not being totally stupid, I aimed it at the usual place. To my great surprise, it worked. Now, am I a genius or what? I'm guessing, what.

We've come to the medical news portion of my rag. Notice, I did not say medical advice. I AM NOT A DOCTOR! What you read here is for information only. Here's a simple home remedy. If you use an asthma inhaler or have COPD this might be helpful. Emphasis on MIGHT. If a COPD (COunty Police Department) car pulls you over, start inhaling frantically on your inhaler. Between breaths say INHALE -I'm glad you're here-INHALE- I need help-INHALE-I just dialed 911- INHALE-I can't believe you got here so quick! Here's what I learned about Inhalers. One called Symbicord actually contains Ford motor oil. I thought I was hearing things, but that's what the commercial says. It contains Fordmotoroil. I believe you could make your own. I have some Fordmotoroil which has aged nicely. It's dark and thick, like that fancy steak sauce. You could probably smother your steak with Fordmotoroil and it would act as a laxitive. Fordmotoroil can also be used to treat cedar siding. Now I'm not stupid and don't think me a fool. I know it doesn't have to be "Ford" motor oil! It could be Japanese motor oil. But there would be side effects. When you sneeze, it will sound like ah-ah-ah KAWA-sakee. Or ah-ah-ah toYota. Or the genteel ladies may sneeze like ah-ah Nissan! Dat-so? No, dey hadn't made Datsuns for years.

Don't you love new products. I think we may be giving our dogs a complex though, if they watch tv. Does your dog poop and then look back in disgust? No wonder! The commercials are pressuring your dog to be an optimal pooper. I'm not making this up! Someone is, but it's not me! You can control the color of their output by controlling their input. It's called designer poop. I once had a dog who ate crayons.You can imagine what that looked like, especially if she had swallowed hair also. It would make a nice colorful necklace! Oh, I just love your necklace!! Where ever did you get it! It's a Giovani original. He could make one for you if you like. The other doggie thing they are offering is a poop mat. You place the mat on the floor and your dog just loves to poop on it - more than any other place. If you have small children you should keep them separated because they are quick learners. If you could get your pooch to poop the color of your carpet, the stains would be minimized to the point where a spoonful of gasoline and a match would take care of it. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME unless you are a certified trained professional.

Other products. I get ads for Motor Meant. They make die-cast metal replicas of automobiles. I have a few. They are quite nice. They send ads that say things like, "Our customers keep asking, how can you sell these quality products for only $12.95"? But they never answer themselves. The way they can do this is they also send you some sort of free gift. Then they charge you shipping and handling on the product and the gift. So your total purchase price ends up at $95.12. Remember people, things are not always or even often what they seem. Because you are reading all of this, I know you're smarter than most people, or just very bored. I keep seeing Magic Jack on TV. I know it's a gimmick, so I checked it out. You know you can't get quality phone service for $19.95 a year. It's a voice over internet deal. Every time you make a phone call your personal files are sent to 40 million people including John Edwards. When you dial 911 you get Pizza Hut and they deliver a pizza to William Shatner. And the clincher is if I dial a 900 number, I get Rosie O'Dognal! At least that's what I heard.

Don't be sucked in by get poor quick schemes. It if sounds cheap, it is. It's cheap/expensive. Best advice is don't buy anything. Eat the food in your freezer and call me back in a month.

I wish everyone well! All for now.

Neanderthrill Man!

Hello my friends,
You are so special for many reasons. One of them is that you appreciate how young I am! You are never more close to someone than when you share the same boat. I never thought much about that saying 'We're all in the same boat" until now. I just realized that, hopefully, my friends, and I guess, really old people are the only ones who might think I'm still young, or at least, not old. I have been on a boat with some friends before. A really huge boat, with thousands of people. All kinds of people. People like me and people not like me. But, I am also in a figurative boat and the older I get, the smaller this boat becomes. So, welcome friends to my boat! It just hit me that most of the people in the world are younger than I (am). I suppose the "am" is assumed, but I'm used to being assumed, if that's anything like being ignored. Today, I reached the intersection of Chambers Rd and McCullough Rd (in my car). I realize that my readers in Nova-Scotia will not relate to this, but I'm not a'boat to lose sleep over it. Speaking of Nova Scotia, I guess you heard about the climate change conference in Copenhagen. It galls me that mankind is so self important that he thinks he can control the climate. He will find some way to put a big dial in the sky, so we can change the temperature. But what if North Korea wants it's own dial. How many people have access to the dial? Remember in the bible when they tried to build a tower to the sky and God said, "No, you're not installing a thermostat! And so He separated the peoples. Well mankind has pretty much managed to mess it all up again. He will spend billions on the study of the control of greenhouse gases. Do you know how many hamburgers McDonald's has sold. You'd think it would be the first thing you see on their website, but I couldn't even find it. Don't worry, it's on Wikipedia. They have sold over 100 billion hamburgers, but it took over 54 years to do it How long do you think it will take our present administration, whose leader is younger than I (am) to spend 100 billion dollars? Less than 54 months! It would be better spent on the control of chicken house gases. I don't know if chickens emit methane gas like cows, but seriously, with all of the economic concerns of today, we don't need to spend money on trying to control the weather. They show video footage of all of the poor and sick people who are suffering and starving in the heat, while they twiddle their thumbs and think of ways to spend money. They're all meeting in Copenhagen now to talk about this some more. Have they heard of teleconferencing? Why couldn't they meet in Bangladesh or Nubia or Griffin? Copenhagen is the perfect place. It's romantic with all of the castles and city waterways with gondolas and the arts. It's ironic that the city where "anything goes" is so picky about the environment, but I guess that's like the pot calling the kettle black. On second thought, let's send all of the politicians there and maybe they won't come back!
Wheww! That's somehow gets me back to my original point. I was waiting to turn left from Chambers to McCullough and the oncoming vehicle hesitated, after waiting for their right of way and I mistakenly thought they were being kind, and letting me make my turn. I eased forward and received a dirty look. I apologize, I thought you were just being kind. My mistake. Southern drivers are often kind and courteous. It must have been an out-of-towner. If you ever get a chance, watch "The Out of Towners", the old Jack Lemmon/Sandy Dennis version.
My 80 year old uncle had his DNA tested to discover our ancestry, which applies to me, since his parents were my grandparents. So I'm learning about my past, which they are dating back 150,000 years. Now, the bible tells me that man was created about 8000 years ago, so I will take this info with a block of salt. Supposedly my ancestors started in Egypt, traveled thru Libya, Tunisia, Greece, Turkey, Belarus, Denmark and ended up around Norway or maybe Copenhagen. They probably became Vikings or Volga Boat Men. Thus my love for music. the rowers would sing"Volga boat men, we're Volga boat men". Anyway, I don't believe in this stuff. It's like carbon dating. I don't believe in dating twins, but if I did, it would be one at a time. It's a non-issue now, as it was then. They expect me to believe they can tell the difference between something that is 19 million years old and something that is only 7 million years old. I don't even keep up with how old the things are in my fridgerator. If it's not green or furry, I eat it. So far, so good. So I found out I belong to a haplogroup. everyone does. Haplogroup H. Also Subclave Group H. Armed with this information I can bravely challenge the world, knowing that my ancestors survived everything the world could throw at them. Judging from all of the markers they left behind, I can assume they were Vikings, Explorers, Aristocrats, world travelers, or perhaps misfits, getting kicked out of every region they settled in. They say I have many thousands of ancestors so they must have been very free with their DNA. At any rate, the more we learn about our ancestors, the more we understand how bad we are, because people are just plain bad.

Oh well, let's chalk this one up to political commentary and close with this bit of timely advice: "Cruise while you can, for tomorrow the world runs on chicken poop".

Silent night!

All We Are Saying, Is Give Funny A Chance"

Here I am quoting, albeit, not verbatim, John Lennon. How strange!! But once again I'm trusting my precious readers to an untested source. Please walk into the mine field of comedy with Jerry Meinfield! Notice I didn't say "give it up for". It's kind of silly to give it up before you've read it.

My Very First Comedy Performance
by Jerry Meinfield

When I was first breaking into comedy...like it’s Fort Knox and you have to break into it. Imagine being so brazen as to break in to this place and try to steal everyone's laughter. When you first start out in comedy, you have to join a comedy union. At least that’s what “some guys” told me. Bytheway, never do what “some guys” tell you to do. They explained to me that it provided an exclusive double indemnity insurance policy. Like if I die twice, they pay off! More like the protection racket. So I said, that’s okay, because I practice “safe comedy”. They said I might try working on a routine that involved broken kneecaps, because comedy usually comes out of your experiences. So I decided a small policy couldn’t hurt, whereas no policy would be painful. And though funny, not worth it! These guys said I should start out playing the bars. A few drinks and they’ll laugh at anything! It helps if the audience is drinking too. Well, actually I was behind some local bars, like the Federal Pen. Bang Zoom! Right to the top!
They promised me a captive audience. Well, let me tell you, a captive audience does not a “captivated” audience make. Neither does an incarcerated one. I had heard that Al Capone had served some time here back in 1932 and the legend is very much alive. Some say his spirit still seems to lurk the dark and danky cells. I’ve been wanting to use that word - danky. Long and lanky, dark and danky, clear and clanky. Those phrases conjure up really, vivid images. Very imagerous! I asked the inn keepers, uh inn mates. Oh, maybe that’s why they looked at me strangely. I asked the striped people. There are two kinds of people. Those who correctly say striped and those who ignorantly say stripe-ped. If you're one of the ignorant ones, just add this to your list of things to ignore. Anyway, I asked the audience if they believed in re-incarnation. You remember, the whole Capone thing? A few said that they had indeed been reincarcerated for the same thing, three times! They totally missed the point, but since their point was sharper than mine, I allowed them to prevail.
Would you believe they almost closed the Federal Pen down in the 80’s? But about that time the Grant Park Zoo became Zoo Atlanta and with that backwards name they turned the whole zoo backwards. Used to be the animals were behind bars and you could walk right up and stare at them, and they, you. Now you walk past their private estate, which you pay for, and hope they might decide to come out and give you a look, but if not, tough bwana nuts. Well someone, probably one of the Candler’s, got to missing the old zoo and decided to save the prison. I thought it would make a great amusement park. It has a wonderful location. It could have a wax museum and a spook house, laundry cart roller coaster, escaped convict shooting galley etc. It’s just down the road from the zoo at the wrong end of Boulevard. The Grant Park district is now a very high dollar, renovated historical community.. My house on the other hand was novated about 8 years ago and it’s now ready for renovation. The Pen on Boulevard would be a perfect condo project. The ideal gated golf community, with beautiful green lawns. It would be Atlanta’s first Segre-gated community with more than 8 distinctly separate sections. There‘s The Play Pen, The Bull Pen. The Safety Pen, The Firing Pen, The Fountain Pen, The Straight Pen, Hair Pen, Bowling Pen you know for hair salon, daycare, ballfield, watering hole etc. It would house restaurants, an amphitheater, a world class fitness center. It has everything. It would be like the old Cabbage Town Fulton Bag and Cotton Mill just down the road - times fifty. Many people don’t know how the sport of softball originated from Cabbage Town. The mill opened in 1860 and recruited poor Irish/Scotts to live in the shotgun houses and work the mill. They soon found that dogs could not do this type of work, so they hired their masters. In 1865 a train derailed on a sharp curve, dumping a shipment of cabbages, so the residents grabbed the cabbages and began growing and cooking them which made the neighborhood reek with the smell of burning rubber. Kidding, it was the smell of boiled cabbage. The cabbage patch kids would sing:
Chorus: Boil that cabbage down,
Bake that hoecake brown.
The onliest song I ever did sing
Is "Boil That Cabbage Down."

Once I had an old gray horse;
Rode him down to town.
'Fore I got my trading done,
The buzzards had him down.
(Chorus)
Wish I had a needle and thread,
As fine as I could sew.
I'd sew that girlie to my coat,
And down the road I'd go.
(Chorus)
Wisht I had a nickel,
Wisht I had a dime,
Wisht I had a pretty little girl
To love me all the time.
Google Smothers Brothers Boil that Cabbage down for an audio/video version.

Anyway, the neighborhood kids couldn’t afford sporting goods, so they started playing baseball with a cabbage and a broomstick bat, which later became known as softball. They eventually became the Atlanta Crackers, because a real slugger, like Max Baer (renowned southern boxer, also father of Max Baer Jr, aka Jethro Bodine) could hit the cabbage so hard it would crack. By the time the opponent could field the broken cabbage, the batter would be on third base. Thus the southern delicacy, Baer Battered Cabbage.

For now, it’s home to 957 of the baddest neighbors you’d ever want to meet. If I can make these guys laugh, perhaps I could play the Monastery next time. The first thing a comedian must do is consider his audience, what they go thru, what makes them laugh, what makes them not want to kill you? They’re just regular people who are going thru a tough time. I decided perhaps my comic hero, Bob Hope had set a good example with his USO shows, so I might try to emulate him. Hi guys, this is Jerry - love what you’ve done with the place - Mienfield. Thought I’d drop in and see what the attraction is for this castle. I requested a reservation, but the warden said it was booked from ten to twenty.. Said I’d have to wait for a vacancy. As luck has it there’s a vacancy at midnight unless the governor intervenes. I unplugged the phone so Mr. 4952613, please be sure to clear your stuff out by say, nine-thirtyish.. But you should see the cab service. I hitched a ride in an FBI cab. They slowed down to 50, opened the back door and let me out at the curb. They didn’t wait around for the tip. I guess they knew the door man would take it when I come in. I heard there weren’t any females here, so I brought a few. These are wholesome broads. Oh, I should have said these are some whole broads! No missing parts! Some are relocated, but everything’s still there. Yep, these are real put together ladies. You can ask their surgeons!. A couple of them can even take their own teeth out! The rest need help. These women can actually predict the future, which is what most people predict. I used to predict the past. It’s pretty handy being able to tell people what happened even after it happened. Only one lady didn’t like her husbands past and - I think that’s her in the fifth row with the daggers tattooed on her armpits. Anyway, for you guys that have 20 or 30 to go, these gals can show you how your wives will look when you get out! Makes you want to re-up doesn’t it? They brought you some pies and cakes. They promised not to put saws in the cakes, but I believe you could cut the bars with a pie crust.

Well I’m afraid that’s about all the time I have left. I mean, if I don’t leave now, I’m really afraid that my time is up. You’ve been a real killer audience or, um, I mean it’s been nice getting to know you and I’ll write real soon.
Boy! Where are “some guys“ when you really need them??
Don’t laugh ’till you get outside the gates!

WHERE DOES FUNNY GO?

What happens when funny leaves town?
Does he forget about those he once entertained?
Does he abandon us all to sorrow and pain?
When laughter's on leave, it's replaced by a frown.
What happens to us when funny leaves town?

Why did funny leave?
Was I so poor of a host, indeed?
I never meant to neglect so kind a friend.
Or to take him for granted or cast to the wind.
Oh what did I do to drive him away?
I'll have funny back and make him at home
For funny should never be let out alone.

Melodramatic..a little. It's kind of like an enema. You just have to get it out so better things can come. Where does funny go, when it gets tired? To a funny farm? Here's the thing. I haven't felt funny in a l-o-o-ng time. Not sure why, but I think it might have to do with numbers. I've been playing Sudoku which is a game involving numbers. The ones in the front of the book are easy. The one's at the end are too hard. The ones in the middle are just right! Like Goldilocks and the Three Bores. I may get stuck on a hard Sudoku for a whole week, but I can finally understand it and figure it out! No, I take it back. You don't understand math. Math just is! You can know it, but there is little to understand. No compassion in math. No humor in math itself. You can interject some humor using math. Such as, "She has the most beautiful teeth"! Both of them! Wait, both is a word instead of a number. I guess it implies a number. I understand that odd numbers are funnier than even.

Anyway, I just finished a hard Sudoku. If I look hard enough and long enough and with enough different viewpoints, I can solve it. It proves I'm not stupid. I can do math and space and order if I concentrate enough. But I've had enough of enough! And enough enough is enough! I also play Spider Solitaire. My high score is 85. Not that big of a deal, but it's been my high score for months and months. I want to beat that score and then I'll quit. The spell will be broken. I can be funny again. I want to score at least 86, proving to myself that it will never again be worth that much of my time again to try for 87. I believe for those totally lacking mathematical, spacial and organizational skills, that number games are quite valuable and even therapeutic, but alas, I've had enough!

Thank you for being patient. Had to get this out of the way to make room for some other foolishness that is starting to drivel in. I hope you will give funny a place in your life and show gloom the door!

Speaking of things I have lost, besides funny, here's a list. I recently lost a large box of Cheerios. I'm OCD about garbage. I fold my garbage and put things inside of things. I had a large empty box on the kitchen counter that I was filling with other trash to conserve space. Being that this box was empty, I had bought a new identical one. Next day i have a bowl of Cheerios out of the new box and then proceed to throw it in the garbage, outside. Next day, when I want Cheerios, all I have is folded trash! Wouldn't it be nice if they put something in Cheerios that would actually cheer you up? Like dollar bills or a mind altering substance?
The worst thing I lost was my grandfathers Elgin pocket watch. Of all things I took it on a swimming trip with the bus ministry and it fell out of the hole in my cut-offs.
I lose sleep all of the time
I lost (sold) my 69 Camaro. It made sense at the time. Still does. it's one of those mature things you wish you didn't have to do. Did you know the word Camaro, is not even in spellcheck. What's the world coming to? Also spellcheck is not in spellcheck.
Lost my hair. I saw that one coming or should I say going. My mothers brothers were all bald. By the way, my uncle just did a DNA test, so I'm going to find out who's responsible. My ancestors were probably Monks. THAT'S why I'm so quiet! In those days, if you were bald they took you outside the city and put you in a commune, so all you could do was chant and pray.
I lost the Peachtree Road Race..11 times. I finally gave up
The worst thing I ever lost was my mom, but God has her, so it's ok. She was the best!


Love, laughter and smiles to you - Good night!

. . .

LESS THAN ZERO!

Hello loyal subjects,
I write a lot about not sleeping, but that's what I do a lot - not sleep!. Last night I couldn't get to sleep at all (Fifth Dimension). Those guys are getting on in years. I heard that some of them are still living and performing under the name Fifth Dementia. The rest retreated into an underground group. Sometimes I can't get to sleep, but often, I can get to sleep, but I have night mares, which are different than day mares, because they don't eat or poop. But they are way more scary. It's from the limited TV viewing. All we get are shows about hunting down perpetrators of violent crime. They always include gruesome scenes and contain very little humor. I am glad that the all-Michael-all the time has stopped.

Well last night I turned on the tube. and found the peanut channel. It was sponsored by the FBI so I thought it might be cool! Until I realized that stands for FARM BUREAU of IOWA. What else did I have to do. I could clean the frozen coke out of our freezer, but that would only bring more night mares. Anyway they were touting the Three Day Peanut Tour. I've seen peanut fields before and they are simply captivating! For about 19 minutes, then you're ready to get back to the pool. Then they visited AA. The Asparagus Association. It's a co-dependent society for people with asparagus disorders. Those afflicted with this condition develop fixations on asparagus, ranging from only eating foods containing asparagus to actually building a life sized asparagus doll and legally marrying this Asparadoll. Research is being done to find a cure, so if y9u get a solicitation. from the Asparagus Society, please contribute. I'm working on a bill to prevent the growing of and the selling of asparagus for human or animal consumption. We must do what we can to free these people. I'm not suggesting asparacide. What I'm saying is that we need to find other uses, like asparagus paper, asparagus fired electricity plants, asparagus clothing, fertilizer, ornamental plants etc. The government should penalize restaurants that serve asparagus. Or is the plural asparagai?

The other thing on TV besides not Leno - by the way, Leno needs to be on late night TV. His show is too dirty for 10:00 o'clock. Wait a minute, 95% of daytime tv needs to be on late night tv and then they need to play the National Anthem at 11:00 and go off the air. There, that's my sermon for the day! The other thing you see a lot of is weight loss shows. There is one now, rightly named "The Insanity Workout". You don't get any pills or diet shakes with this one. You don't get any exercise equipment. Not even a magic girdle! All you get is 10 DVD's! NEWS BULLETIN!! No one will ever get past the 3rd dvd. On DVD*1 this guy just stands there and jumps up and down. On DVD#2 he does jumping jacks-really fast!. Try to keep up! DVD#3 - running in place. DVD#4 - running in circles. DVD#5 - low kicks. DVD#6 - high kicks. DVD#7- kicking your own butt. DVD#8 Swinging your fist at the guy doing one arm hand clapping, twirling push ups. DVD#9 - throwing the other 8 DVD's in the trash. DVD#10 - legal gobbledygook about how you can't sue the producers, actors, musicians, writers, camera man or anyone who has ever heard of the Insanity Workout.
Oh, the "Less than Zero" thing? I'm now addicted to Coke Zero. and didn't have my quota the last three days so maybe I'm a little down. Too depressed to sleep. Not seriously depressed and not quite in the coma stage. If it were so, I could get help, but I'm just in a little funk. It's like if you had pneumonia you could get cured, but you just have to suffer thru the common cold. What I need is a defunkyfier. If you see an infomercial for one, let me know.

I actually wrote this a month ago, but it didn't seem entertaining enough. But after a 7 week dry spell, I read it again and decided there might be one person or maybe one-half person who would shudder, almost stifle a laugh before going to watch late night tv.

Good night all.

Superb Owl

Hello Dear friends and those who will read just about anything!

Got bored and went to bed early, like 8 o'clock or something. then got up again at 12:30 or 1:00. Ate some stuff I shouldn't have and tried to find something on TV besides red carpet reviews. Then I remembered something I had seen at work yestertoday. That's a new word. "Yestertoday" means the day that we called today, yesterday. it simplifies things. And I get to collect royalties every time you use it. So, feel free! It was something about the Superb Owl. It's an exclusive restaurant that is only open one Sunday a year in January. I've never been, but I think I'd like to go. I understand you have to get tickets and they're 8000 bucks or so a piece, so my wife would have to win the lottery. I don't play because I really don't like to gamble. About as the riskiest thing I do is open a banana. That's it! I like the excitement - the danger and anticipation! You never know what's going to be in there until you open it! So far I'm batting 10,000, but one day my luck will run out. I just hope it's not something like a maggot farm or dead fish!
Anyway, this SuperB owl sounds like an exhilarating experience!! The restaurant holds about 100,000 people, so only the elite can get in. They sit on hard plastic chairs and you just hold your plate in your lap. It looks like most people order hot dogs and pizza. Must be some great hot dogs! And they run out of coke early, 'cause a lot of people are drinking beer. Lot's of it! I don't know who actually gets to eat the SuperB owl. I'm guessing they only have one, since you never see it. in fact it's a very covert operation. You never, EVER, hear anyone speak of it. But if you ask about it they always say HOO? so the word is spreading. They have to hold this secret dinner in a different place every year to keep from being caught. The owl is a protected species, but I can't see that killing one a year should be such a big deal. Besides, can you see Elmer Fudd out there in the dark twying to shoot an owl? I'm gonna twick that cwazy owl. Oh Mr. Owl, come out of that twee and see my wabbit! There are some owls in the woods behind my house. You might say that I'm an owl-owner, but not to loud. You see, these are bad owls. At night, they make these hideous sounds! There are at least two of them. One makes a sound like a war cry and the other makes the sound of a wounded animal. Once, about midnight I went walking down the street to see if I could ascertain where the owl screams might be coming from. A neighbor was standing on the hood of his truck and his wife was at the bathroom window. They were visibly shaken, not knowing what these screams were. If you've ever read Frank Perretti's books you would be too. It sounds like some monsterous demon devouring it's prey. We should catch this thing and grill it for dinner. I guess you would have to call it "burning the midnight owl". At the SuberB owl, you have a long wait time, so they put on a little sporting event. What it was, was football. Andy Griffith can explain this much better than I. When all the players get tired and have to go in for nap time, somebody comes out and sings. Some of the performers have died after doing this, so if they ask me, I think I'll decline. Most of these places have a huge TV hanging from the ceiling, but they usually just show whatever is going on in the yard below. Seems like they could show a movie, "North By Northwest" is good on the big screen. "Lil Abner" was always a crowd pleaser too! They also have these young ladies in little costumes shouting things to keep the crowd moving. things like, "Hold that line" and "Push 'em Back" or "Go Dawgs", I guess since they ran out of Owl..

We did try to get a preview of the "SuperB owl" by going to the "Owl Cafe" in Apalachicola, but it was a rip off. Turned out, they specialized in seafood. Closest thing I saw to owl was the painting of the proprietor, with the big round eyes and bushy eyebrows. I figured owl would not actually be on the menu, so I asked the waitress if I could secretly order the "owl" off the menu. We could just call it "Peacock" for code, but she insisted that no such item was ever cooked there. She probably thought I was a secret agent, because I was dressed like all the tourist in town, which made it obvious that I was trying to blend in. But that's my normal M.O. I'm like Wally Cox. He used to say he has a face that looks like it's already been waited on. He quit saying that after he died. A little known fact is that little diminutive, shy Wally Cox used to run around with Marlon Brando. Come to think of it, Marlon and Wally sounds like a couple of nerds. Anyway, at the Owl Cafe, I ordered Jumbo Shrimp, which is like ordering Tiny Whale. It's an oxymoron. They were the largest shrimp I have seen anywhere and they were superb! They must have been on steroids! This was supposed to be elegant dining and I guess it's as close as you get in the "Oyster Capital of the World". I guess they could get away with saying that because no one else knows they're there. Two things I didn't like. They had real cloth tablecloths. and then on top of that, they had paper tablecloths! A plain table would have been fine. That's like the plastic slipcovers from the sixties, for your couches. Could you imagine on a sweltering, hot July day coming in from cutting the grass, shirtless (men only) getting a tall glass of sweet iced tea, with lemon and laying down on that plastic couch. Ugh, sticky, yuck! Plastic doesn't absorb! You just lay there in your sweat!! Women, please just don't even think of this at all. It's a man thing! Oh, by the way, it was my birthday the other day. Thanks, it was really nothing. I have one every year, whether I plan it or not. It's automatic. My wife wanted me to get one of those GT Worx weed-eater/yard edger/shoe shiner/milk-shake-maker things. I was hesitant, because I already have two weedeater things, a cordless and a corded one. They are both crippled and don't do a very good job, but appropriately, neither do I, so it's equitable. But, she threw in a bonus!! As part of the gift, she will do the edging for me! I thought this over with a serious wrinkle. I had to make it not look like a slam dunk! YESS!! Baby, would you like to get me a new lawn mower for Christmas!? Since then, I've been tasting my food in tiny bites, just to be safe. This thing does it all! It edges! It trims weeds. of course I could just kill the weeds instead of manicuring them. It cleans my whitewalls. It whistles at the joggers running by. Let's hope it does all of this in 20 to 30 minutes, because that's how long the battery last. After you properly break it in, so as to get the maximum run time. Of course, you can order extra rechargeable batteries for 15 dollars a piece. Just pay shipping and handling. Shipping and handling is generally about 300% of the cost of the item being shipped. So that's gonna be about 60 bucks. I guess I can throw away the duck taped trimmer now. I cooked fish the other day. It had been in the freezer for about 13 months. This was huge pieces of fish. I had to cut them before I could deep fry them. Yes, they were delish! They were a little hard to cut, so I turned them over and they appeared to be covered with silver duck tape! Then I realized that was the skin. I'm thinking of developing a new product. An adhesive roll called "Fish Tape"! Anyway,it was either Mackerel or Amberjack. Holy Mackerel! Had to see where the term Holy Mackerel comes from. I remember it from the TV days of Amos and Andy. Kingfish used to say it a lot. This may be where it started. It was a take off on holy cow which was considered sacrilegious. For this I am sorry. I particularly don't like what they say today. It's disgusting. The other place this was overdone, was the Batman Tv series. It could be Holy fish sticks or holy fruit of the loom or anything.
In case your still wondering, the second thing I didn't like, was instead of a nice iceberg lettuce salad, they had this leafy stuff. And no real dressing, just this homemade stuff, which did not include Thousand Island. if I had a cooking school, the first thing I would teach my pupils is that clientele who prefer thousand island salad dressing have sensitive taste buds and usually can not tolerate other dressings. If necessary, go to any grocery store or 7/11 and buy a bottle.

Oh well, I'm not working tomorrow, but I still have to get up. So good night sweet friends! Hope the owl doesn't disturb your sleep and may you never run out of thousand islands!
(isn't that why they call it "1000" islands?

Docktor Redknec - Words To The Wise-Or Notso

Docktor Redknec is syndicated in 3 newspapers across the continent. ( literally 3 newspapers, one to his mother, Birth-a Redknec and her sister, Aunt Bright and his psychiatrist, Dr. Y. Usso Strange. Docktor Redknec graduated with honors (that was his roommate, Malcomb Honors} at Yell University. His docktoral thesis was based on the theory that if you say something loud enough and often enough, it will be accepted as truth.

Eliminate Elimination
Man has been living in a backward state for centuries and I'm not speaking only of Alabama. Our drugstore shelves and medicine cabinets are fully stocked with an array of remedies and potions, designed to soothe the gastric system and to relieve pain due to constipation, diarrhea and general irregularity. Quite frankly, we are working on the wrong end. The primary cause of the ailments we suffer is not the inefficiency of our inner workings, but the things we stuff down our throats! The theory of immaculate digestion is not supported by scripture or medical journals, Food and Drug Administration or Al Gore, but we're going with it anyway. The theory is this, that before the fall of man, we were living in a perfect world where all foods were clean and acceptable, except for the fruit of this one tree. It would seem plausible, that in this perfect world where all substances are pure and approved for consumption, that human waste, or for that matter, animal waste would be non-existent. After the fall the food had to be coaxed out of the soil thru much sweat and toil and the food was no longer a perfect match for our digestive systems.We also began eating animals. Thus, had a new one not been cut for us, we would have bloated up and exploded from the consumption of foods containing impurities and poisons which our bodies could not throw off. This theory has tentatively been embraced by the National Health-Scare Plan, which states that unnecessary and self inflicted conditions will be looked down upon and generally ignored.

It would now behoove us to eat foods which our bodies can efficiently handle. Our kidneys, livers, appendixes, intestines, colons, and stomachs are over-burdened from the stress of processing and eliminating the excesses we force on them. Why do you think human waste is so distasteful as to use it's slang as curse words. It is quite literally part of the curse! We need to start consuming herbs, vitamins, proteins, fruit juices, vegetable juices. Our foods must be predigested. The job of your stomach is to break down food to the point that it can be absorbed by the body to be used as nourishment and to hold up our pants. The only reason your stomach is necessary is that you stuff food down there that is not fit for consumption. The stomach must then produce gastric juices that would make coca-cola seem like a saline solution. Which is, of course where acid reflux comes from. The reason this food must be broken down is because some of it is not real food, but packaging which can not be absorbed by the body. We need to break it down before stuffing it down our throats. Then the digestive tract will shrivel up from lack of activity and you will have to get suspenders.

Talk about stimulating the economy. There are lobbyist that do not want this teaching to get out. Because no one will need toilets, toilet paper and cleaning products, stomach remedies, medical treatment for intestinal problems, colon problems etc. Not to mention the restaurants and grocery stores whose doors would be closed. The insurance companies are dead against it. So, I must be right!

I have withdrawn from my lucrative practice in order to further develop a line of stomach elimination health-scare products, that will help to eradicate the garbage in-garbage-out mentality and propel America to once again become a nation that does not travel on it's belly.

By the way, do we really need teeth??

Docktor Redknec's screwball theories are widely recognized as the ravings of a lunatic wannabe, as he has not yet attained the high level of lunatic. There is a movement (excuse the slang) about, to run him for the vacated Senate seat in Massachusetts. It was previously thought that no one could fill those shoes, but we belive Docktor Rednek can.