Docktor Redknec - Words To The Wise-Or Notso

Docktor Redknec is syndicated in 3 newspapers across the continent. ( literally 3 newspapers, one to his mother, Birth-a Redknec and her sister, Aunt Bright and his psychiatrist, Dr. Y. Usso Strange. Docktor Redknec graduated with honors (that was his roommate, Malcomb Honors} at Yell University. His docktoral thesis was based on the theory that if you say something loud enough and often enough, it will be accepted as truth.

Eliminate Elimination
Man has been living in a backward state for centuries and I'm not speaking only of Alabama. Our drugstore shelves and medicine cabinets are fully stocked with an array of remedies and potions, designed to soothe the gastric system and to relieve pain due to constipation, diarrhea and general irregularity. Quite frankly, we are working on the wrong end. The primary cause of the ailments we suffer is not the inefficiency of our inner workings, but the things we stuff down our throats! The theory of immaculate digestion is not supported by scripture or medical journals, Food and Drug Administration or Al Gore, but we're going with it anyway. The theory is this, that before the fall of man, we were living in a perfect world where all foods were clean and acceptable, except for the fruit of this one tree. It would seem plausible, that in this perfect world where all substances are pure and approved for consumption, that human waste, or for that matter, animal waste would be non-existent. After the fall the food had to be coaxed out of the soil thru much sweat and toil and the food was no longer a perfect match for our digestive systems.We also began eating animals. Thus, had a new one not been cut for us, we would have bloated up and exploded from the consumption of foods containing impurities and poisons which our bodies could not throw off. This theory has tentatively been embraced by the National Health-Scare Plan, which states that unnecessary and self inflicted conditions will be looked down upon and generally ignored.

It would now behoove us to eat foods which our bodies can efficiently handle. Our kidneys, livers, appendixes, intestines, colons, and stomachs are over-burdened from the stress of processing and eliminating the excesses we force on them. Why do you think human waste is so distasteful as to use it's slang as curse words. It is quite literally part of the curse! We need to start consuming herbs, vitamins, proteins, fruit juices, vegetable juices. Our foods must be predigested. The job of your stomach is to break down food to the point that it can be absorbed by the body to be used as nourishment and to hold up our pants. The only reason your stomach is necessary is that you stuff food down there that is not fit for consumption. The stomach must then produce gastric juices that would make coca-cola seem like a saline solution. Which is, of course where acid reflux comes from. The reason this food must be broken down is because some of it is not real food, but packaging which can not be absorbed by the body. We need to break it down before stuffing it down our throats. Then the digestive tract will shrivel up from lack of activity and you will have to get suspenders.

Talk about stimulating the economy. There are lobbyist that do not want this teaching to get out. Because no one will need toilets, toilet paper and cleaning products, stomach remedies, medical treatment for intestinal problems, colon problems etc. Not to mention the restaurants and grocery stores whose doors would be closed. The insurance companies are dead against it. So, I must be right!

I have withdrawn from my lucrative practice in order to further develop a line of stomach elimination health-scare products, that will help to eradicate the garbage in-garbage-out mentality and propel America to once again become a nation that does not travel on it's belly.

By the way, do we really need teeth??

Docktor Redknec's screwball theories are widely recognized as the ravings of a lunatic wannabe, as he has not yet attained the high level of lunatic. There is a movement (excuse the slang) about, to run him for the vacated Senate seat in Massachusetts. It was previously thought that no one could fill those shoes, but we belive Docktor Rednek can.

MIND DUST

Hello Dear Friends,

I had too much to dream last night. I dreamed about mind-dust. The dream was too weird to repeat, but I thought the phrase was cool. I made a mental note, which is getting harder and harder to do. I made a mental note to remember mind-dust, because I wondered if it existed. Well, there is such a concept as mind-dust. There were songs about it, but I disregarded them because they might not be clean. Imagine dust not being clean! I went for the definition, which turned out to be evolutionist psycho-babble. Something about the mind being made up of atoms which are linked to other atoms with logic ability that somehow compounds itself and eventually equals the human thought process. Now I apologize to those who actually believe this stuff and realize that I totally mangled the definition. But it made so little sense that mangle is all I could do. I somehow imagined that mind-dust was a powder you could suspend in a liquid and perhaps ingest the same to make your mind become more alert. Who knows, in the right hands it could lead to a cure for Alzheimer's! That was a pretty good nights work!

I have a theory that my brain is not me. Or dig this, I have a brain and a sub-brain. The brain is me and the sub-brain is my reference library. My sub-brain is brilliant! Yours is too! But it's like living next door to the library and only checking out Dr. Seuss. There is a wealth of info in there, but it is seldom used. Occasionally I get a glimpse of what's in there thru my dreams. that's how I know it's there.

I was out with my cousins at the Varsity the other night. Chili dogs can mess your mind, not to mention your stomach. We were discussing the merits of combining vacuum cleaner technology with table saw technology and applying it to lawn mowers. You know about the vacuum cleaners that memorize your floor plan and furniture placement and vacuum your floor unattended? You could do this with computer controlled lawn mowers! You could sit at the computer with a joy stick if you just have to be involved, but no need to. Just hit the record button, walk thru the yard with the lawn mower and next time it knows the route. Unsafe you say! What about obstacles you say! Next time I'll get the meat loaf you say? Here's where table saw technology comes in. My cousin tells me that they have table saws now that would not cut a weenie. That's a little sad, because that's what I use mine for. I keep it in the kitchen to cut meats with. If you hold poor Oscar Mayer up to the blade it will barely scratch his skin, immediately cease spinning and pop down beneath the table in a nano-second, which is usually what I do. The same thing could be true for the lawn mower blade.Only when it gets 3 inches from an unknown object, it locks down. Okay, let's say this has been on the market for 5 years. The next innovation? Lawn Mower Surfing! Here's some of the necessary features: 4 wheel drive, 4 wheel fully independent suspension, 4 wheel steering, 4 wheels, hydraulics, sound system with ipod port and a surf board platform long enough so you can hang ten. Yeah, the lawn will be manicured twice a week and I'll cut the neighbors grass too! I'll organize lawn surfing competitions! It will become a 2016 Summer Olympic Event. Remember you saw it here first!! Next project, Hovercraft Hedge Trimmer. There will be a whole line of Hovercraftsman tools! The Hovercraftsman tree trimmer. You don't have to go up there! Oh, my wife just said we need a Hovercraftsman Buttkicker to get full value out of all those manual tools I already have.

Better get to it! Whoever said "Make hay while the sun shines", must not have lived in the south. Better make hay before it gets to be 95 degrees outside!

better get out there. See ya!