HELLO! This is Tony Bologna, host of the famous TV game show, I'VE GOT A SECRET! For those of you who are new to the show, that would be anyone born in the last 20 minutes, this is the show where a guest appears with an unusual or perverted secret, and our incredibly famous panel tries to guess the secret. Actually, we invite panelist who are not the sharpest cheese in the deli, otherwise the show would be over in 5 minutes and no one would stay tuned for the "brought to you bys".I'll introduce the first panelist. She is the vivacious Jane Fonda. Hi I'm the ever-chic Jane Fonda and I'm fond-a the panelist to my left Mr. "If it ain't Barack don't fix it" O'Bama! I'm proud to introduce the person who inspired me to become great!! When, as a child, I saw her on TV, I thought, if a nun could fly, perhaps I could play for the Chicago Bulls or maybe just become president of a country like Hawaii or USA or Muguambe (Moo-gwam-bay - place that doesn't eat cows) since I was born in one of those. Anyway, here is Sally Fields! Hi, I am Sally Fields and I do hope you'll see my upcoming movie "Gidget Goes To Congress In A Handbasket". I have this one body and I'm trying to make it cute for as long as I can. The next panelist, though last is, well, it's Tom Hanks who, for his short life has been in so many movies! Hanks for the Memories! Hi, I'm Tom Hanks and if I had another movie to make, you know I wouldn't be here.
Okay it's back to me Tony Balonga, uh Bologna (it's supposed to rhyme) bet you forgot about me over here. I's time for that special part of our show where we sing our special little theme song. All together now: M-I-C-see you real soon!---K-E-Y-- -Why? because we- Oh, that's studio C. Pardon me. Now it's time to introduce our mystery guest with an unusual or perverted secret to the audience. Our secret guest is Donleve Haum Withotic. His secret is that he invented the first daytime diaper for adults who have tried Activia, Pepto-Dismal and Chaos-Pectate unsuccessfully. Let's begin by telling our panel a little about our guest. Our guest today is Donleve Haum Withotic and his secret is not MasterCard! Okay Jane, let's see if you can stumble upon Mr. Withotic's secret.
Jane: Mr. Withotic, I spent some time in Vietnam. Does your secret have anything to do with Vietnam?
Mr. Withotic: No, but I enjoyed seeing you in "Cat Ballou".
Jane: I was once married to Ted Turner.Does it have anything to do with Ted Turner? Donlev: Well, generally everything connects to Ted Turner in some way. When I think of Ted, it does remind me of my secret.
Tony: Okay let's see if Barack can solve this mystery, since he hasn't done much with the economy.
B.O.: Mr. Withotic, can I just call you Homey? Would your secret have anything to do with the White House?
Donleve: Actually that's where I got the idea from.
B.O.: Would this secret be qualified by my stimulus package?
Donleve: I'm afraid you're getting dangerously close to my secret, Mr. O'Bama! Tony: Okay, Silly, uh Sally, time for you to fly in and save the day!
Sally: I played a nun on TV and I think it's time for you to confess. Tell me your secret!
Donleve: This is not Moondoggie you're dealing with here. You're going to have to try a little harder than that!
Sally: Does your secret involve Burnt Reynolds?
Donleve: I'm not sure, but if not, it will soon!
Tony: Allright Tom Hanks, jump in that Volcano and save the day!
Tom: I have no response for that.
Tony: I believe that's Meg Ryan's line.
Tom: Right! Tell me now Donleve, does your secret have anything to do with running? Donleve: My secret is more to do with not running.
Tom: To infinity and beyond!
Tony: I believe that's Buz Lightyear's line.
Tom: Right! I went to the moon once - in a movie. Could this secret be something to do with going to the moon?
Donleve: In fact moon expeditions is what funded my initial research.
Tony: Okay folks, time is running out and it's such a shame! Some of you are literally sitting on the answer! Mr. Donleve Haum Withotic is the inventer of adult diapers - for those who couldn't make it otherwise. As a special surprise, everyone in our studio audience will receive a special "I've Got A Secret Edition" gift box of adult "Prevents" diapers. I noticed a few of you were leaving your seat during the show.
THIS HAS BEEN A "WACHER BACH-YURDON FORE PRODUCTION"
You didn't think I was gonna take the blame for it!? _
Friday, October 29, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The Joys Of Pepper!
Hello it's me! Don't feel much like writing or what passes for writing so on this rare magmanamous occasion, in an effort to reach a more diverse audience, I am deferring my column to the ever famous, but sometimes quirky Famalda Hyde. Dr.Ms. Hyde is the best selling author of "Me First" and "What I Put In My Mouth Comes Out..". She has sold more of these books than anybody. She is the uncontested authority of pepperology and other hot stuff. So without further unnecessary build-up and fluff, here is Ms. Dr, Famalda Hyde! Enjoy!
Let me begin by saying that the world is in one big fat ugly mess! Not much we can do about that, but we can work on our own bodies. There are two obvious areas that need addressing - diet and exercise. My answer to both of those is PEPPER! Let's have a history lesson! Let's don't. Who said that? I'm writing this drivel! And for very little pay, I might add! HISTORY LESSON!
The history of pepper, "King of Spices" is the most fascinating of all spices! It dates back over 4000 years, yes before the Beatles. Yes, back in minus 1990 pepper was considered more valuable than gold. It was traded world-wide. Attila the Hun, not to be confused with Attila the delicatessen, demanded pepper as a ransom for Rome. Beginning with the Middle Ages, pepper was the key commodity of the European spice trade. Now just to keep the time line straight, the Middle Ages covered a period of time from the 5th to the 15th century. So, figuring backwards, which always works out best, that means the beginning of time was 500 B.C. and the end of time will be 2500 A.D. So let the good times roll! Anyhow, the Italian pepperers cornered the market by controlling the trade routes which was the beginning of the protection racket and the mafia as we know it. Had not pepper been legalized it would be smuggled in from India and sold on the black market today. Now that we know the history of pepper, we can take it with a grain of salt.
Now for a lesson in Horticulture. No! Yes! I'm writing this!
Pepper is the fruit of a venous plant, so is it a fruit or a spice? Technically it is a spruit. To further muddy the water, it is called a peppercorn, which does not make it a vegetable. Black pepper, although called a corn, is really a dried unripe berry. You might think of it as a raisin. Then again, you might think of Nancy Pelosi as Mother Teresa, but if you do, I have some Enron stock I'd like to sell you. White pepper starts out the same as black.
The world is black,
The world is white,
It turns by day,
And then by night
- Three Dog Night
Do you see how everything fits together?
Oh yeah, white pepper. White pepper is black pepper that is allowed to vine ripen and is then soaked in water until the shell falls off. Never seen white pepper? Because people are too impatient for it. Green pepper is harvested before it becomes mature and pink pepper comes from the French Island of Reunion. Figures.
Culinary Uses:
Black pepper can be ground into glass jars with holes in the lid and sprinkled on most foods although is not recommended on ice cream. White pepper is used in sauces where speckling is not desired. Mash green peppercorns with cinnamon or garlic or mix it in a sauce or use it to make butter. Pink peppercorns may be pulverized and infused into aerosol cans and sprayed on festive peacocks (plastic, not live).
Medical Report:
Pepper, sold as an over the counter remedy, can and will stimulant your taste buds and bring about reflux of gastric secretions which greatly improve digestion, possibly to the point of enabling you to leap tall buildings, jump hurdles and run the 100 yard dash in 9 seconds. Also supports flatulence which pollutes the environment, but why would you want to keep all that inside? The word pollute comes from the Russian root word, poot. Think our voters are crazy? Would someone name Pootin' ever get elected here? Pepper also depresses the appetite. If everything I ate had that strong peppery taste, I'd cut back.
I want to thank Wally for allowing me to guest write today and have one more thing to say. Please don't bother suing. I can only pay you off in pepper! Please read my upcoming books, "A World Without Pepper" and "What Do I Do With All Of This Pepper?"
Hey, me again! My apologies to all of you who really couldn't care less about pepper. Now you have found out, you really could care less. Perhaps in the future I might get her brother Raw Hyde to fill in.
Thought I'd end with a little poem
What are little boys made of?
Snakes and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of !"
What are little girls made of?
"Sugar and spice and everything thing nice
That's what little girls are made of!"
No wonder boys get off to a bad start! I've been told that all my life!
BAH!
Let me begin by saying that the world is in one big fat ugly mess! Not much we can do about that, but we can work on our own bodies. There are two obvious areas that need addressing - diet and exercise. My answer to both of those is PEPPER! Let's have a history lesson! Let's don't. Who said that? I'm writing this drivel! And for very little pay, I might add! HISTORY LESSON!
The history of pepper, "King of Spices" is the most fascinating of all spices! It dates back over 4000 years, yes before the Beatles. Yes, back in minus 1990 pepper was considered more valuable than gold. It was traded world-wide. Attila the Hun, not to be confused with Attila the delicatessen, demanded pepper as a ransom for Rome. Beginning with the Middle Ages, pepper was the key commodity of the European spice trade. Now just to keep the time line straight, the Middle Ages covered a period of time from the 5th to the 15th century. So, figuring backwards, which always works out best, that means the beginning of time was 500 B.C. and the end of time will be 2500 A.D. So let the good times roll! Anyhow, the Italian pepperers cornered the market by controlling the trade routes which was the beginning of the protection racket and the mafia as we know it. Had not pepper been legalized it would be smuggled in from India and sold on the black market today. Now that we know the history of pepper, we can take it with a grain of salt.
Now for a lesson in Horticulture. No! Yes! I'm writing this!
Pepper is the fruit of a venous plant, so is it a fruit or a spice? Technically it is a spruit. To further muddy the water, it is called a peppercorn, which does not make it a vegetable. Black pepper, although called a corn, is really a dried unripe berry. You might think of it as a raisin. Then again, you might think of Nancy Pelosi as Mother Teresa, but if you do, I have some Enron stock I'd like to sell you. White pepper starts out the same as black.
The world is black,
The world is white,
It turns by day,
And then by night
- Three Dog Night
Do you see how everything fits together?
Oh yeah, white pepper. White pepper is black pepper that is allowed to vine ripen and is then soaked in water until the shell falls off. Never seen white pepper? Because people are too impatient for it. Green pepper is harvested before it becomes mature and pink pepper comes from the French Island of Reunion. Figures.
Culinary Uses:
Black pepper can be ground into glass jars with holes in the lid and sprinkled on most foods although is not recommended on ice cream. White pepper is used in sauces where speckling is not desired. Mash green peppercorns with cinnamon or garlic or mix it in a sauce or use it to make butter. Pink peppercorns may be pulverized and infused into aerosol cans and sprayed on festive peacocks (plastic, not live).
Medical Report:
Pepper, sold as an over the counter remedy, can and will stimulant your taste buds and bring about reflux of gastric secretions which greatly improve digestion, possibly to the point of enabling you to leap tall buildings, jump hurdles and run the 100 yard dash in 9 seconds. Also supports flatulence which pollutes the environment, but why would you want to keep all that inside? The word pollute comes from the Russian root word, poot. Think our voters are crazy? Would someone name Pootin' ever get elected here? Pepper also depresses the appetite. If everything I ate had that strong peppery taste, I'd cut back.
I want to thank Wally for allowing me to guest write today and have one more thing to say. Please don't bother suing. I can only pay you off in pepper! Please read my upcoming books, "A World Without Pepper" and "What Do I Do With All Of This Pepper?"
Hey, me again! My apologies to all of you who really couldn't care less about pepper. Now you have found out, you really could care less. Perhaps in the future I might get her brother Raw Hyde to fill in.
Thought I'd end with a little poem
What are little boys made of?
Snakes and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of !"
What are little girls made of?
"Sugar and spice and everything thing nice
That's what little girls are made of!"
No wonder boys get off to a bad start! I've been told that all my life!
BAH!
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