HELLO! This is Tony Bologna, host of the famous TV game show, I'VE GOT A SECRET! For those of you who are new to the show, that would be anyone born in the last 20 minutes, this is the show where a guest appears with an unusual or perverted secret, and our incredibly famous panel tries to guess the secret. Actually, we invite panelist who are not the sharpest cheese in the deli, otherwise the show would be over in 5 minutes and no one would stay tuned for the "brought to you bys".I'll introduce the first panelist. She is the vivacious Jane Fonda. Hi I'm the ever-chic Jane Fonda and I'm fond-a the panelist to my left Mr. "If it ain't Barack don't fix it" O'Bama! I'm proud to introduce the person who inspired me to become great!! When, as a child, I saw her on TV, I thought, if a nun could fly, perhaps I could play for the Chicago Bulls or maybe just become president of a country like Hawaii or USA or Muguambe (Moo-gwam-bay - place that doesn't eat cows) since I was born in one of those. Anyway, here is Sally Fields! Hi, I am Sally Fields and I do hope you'll see my upcoming movie "Gidget Goes To Congress In A Handbasket". I have this one body and I'm trying to make it cute for as long as I can. The next panelist, though last is, well, it's Tom Hanks who, for his short life has been in so many movies! Hanks for the Memories! Hi, I'm Tom Hanks and if I had another movie to make, you know I wouldn't be here.
Okay it's back to me Tony Balonga, uh Bologna (it's supposed to rhyme) bet you forgot about me over here. I's time for that special part of our show where we sing our special little theme song. All together now: M-I-C-see you real soon!---K-E-Y-- -Why? because we- Oh, that's studio C. Pardon me. Now it's time to introduce our mystery guest with an unusual or perverted secret to the audience. Our secret guest is Donleve Haum Withotic. His secret is that he invented the first daytime diaper for adults who have tried Activia, Pepto-Dismal and Chaos-Pectate unsuccessfully. Let's begin by telling our panel a little about our guest. Our guest today is Donleve Haum Withotic and his secret is not MasterCard! Okay Jane, let's see if you can stumble upon Mr. Withotic's secret.
Jane: Mr. Withotic, I spent some time in Vietnam. Does your secret have anything to do with Vietnam?
Mr. Withotic: No, but I enjoyed seeing you in "Cat Ballou".
Jane: I was once married to Ted Turner.Does it have anything to do with Ted Turner? Donlev: Well, generally everything connects to Ted Turner in some way. When I think of Ted, it does remind me of my secret.
Tony: Okay let's see if Barack can solve this mystery, since he hasn't done much with the economy.
B.O.: Mr. Withotic, can I just call you Homey? Would your secret have anything to do with the White House?
Donleve: Actually that's where I got the idea from.
B.O.: Would this secret be qualified by my stimulus package?
Donleve: I'm afraid you're getting dangerously close to my secret, Mr. O'Bama! Tony: Okay, Silly, uh Sally, time for you to fly in and save the day!
Sally: I played a nun on TV and I think it's time for you to confess. Tell me your secret!
Donleve: This is not Moondoggie you're dealing with here. You're going to have to try a little harder than that!
Sally: Does your secret involve Burnt Reynolds?
Donleve: I'm not sure, but if not, it will soon!
Tony: Allright Tom Hanks, jump in that Volcano and save the day!
Tom: I have no response for that.
Tony: I believe that's Meg Ryan's line.
Tom: Right! Tell me now Donleve, does your secret have anything to do with running? Donleve: My secret is more to do with not running.
Tom: To infinity and beyond!
Tony: I believe that's Buz Lightyear's line.
Tom: Right! I went to the moon once - in a movie. Could this secret be something to do with going to the moon?
Donleve: In fact moon expeditions is what funded my initial research.
Tony: Okay folks, time is running out and it's such a shame! Some of you are literally sitting on the answer! Mr. Donleve Haum Withotic is the inventer of adult diapers - for those who couldn't make it otherwise. As a special surprise, everyone in our studio audience will receive a special "I've Got A Secret Edition" gift box of adult "Prevents" diapers. I noticed a few of you were leaving your seat during the show.
THIS HAS BEEN A "WACHER BACH-YURDON FORE PRODUCTION"
You didn't think I was gonna take the blame for it!? _
Friday, October 29, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The Joys Of Pepper!
Hello it's me! Don't feel much like writing or what passes for writing so on this rare magmanamous occasion, in an effort to reach a more diverse audience, I am deferring my column to the ever famous, but sometimes quirky Famalda Hyde. Dr.Ms. Hyde is the best selling author of "Me First" and "What I Put In My Mouth Comes Out..". She has sold more of these books than anybody. She is the uncontested authority of pepperology and other hot stuff. So without further unnecessary build-up and fluff, here is Ms. Dr, Famalda Hyde! Enjoy!
Let me begin by saying that the world is in one big fat ugly mess! Not much we can do about that, but we can work on our own bodies. There are two obvious areas that need addressing - diet and exercise. My answer to both of those is PEPPER! Let's have a history lesson! Let's don't. Who said that? I'm writing this drivel! And for very little pay, I might add! HISTORY LESSON!
The history of pepper, "King of Spices" is the most fascinating of all spices! It dates back over 4000 years, yes before the Beatles. Yes, back in minus 1990 pepper was considered more valuable than gold. It was traded world-wide. Attila the Hun, not to be confused with Attila the delicatessen, demanded pepper as a ransom for Rome. Beginning with the Middle Ages, pepper was the key commodity of the European spice trade. Now just to keep the time line straight, the Middle Ages covered a period of time from the 5th to the 15th century. So, figuring backwards, which always works out best, that means the beginning of time was 500 B.C. and the end of time will be 2500 A.D. So let the good times roll! Anyhow, the Italian pepperers cornered the market by controlling the trade routes which was the beginning of the protection racket and the mafia as we know it. Had not pepper been legalized it would be smuggled in from India and sold on the black market today. Now that we know the history of pepper, we can take it with a grain of salt.
Now for a lesson in Horticulture. No! Yes! I'm writing this!
Pepper is the fruit of a venous plant, so is it a fruit or a spice? Technically it is a spruit. To further muddy the water, it is called a peppercorn, which does not make it a vegetable. Black pepper, although called a corn, is really a dried unripe berry. You might think of it as a raisin. Then again, you might think of Nancy Pelosi as Mother Teresa, but if you do, I have some Enron stock I'd like to sell you. White pepper starts out the same as black.
The world is black,
The world is white,
It turns by day,
And then by night
- Three Dog Night
Do you see how everything fits together?
Oh yeah, white pepper. White pepper is black pepper that is allowed to vine ripen and is then soaked in water until the shell falls off. Never seen white pepper? Because people are too impatient for it. Green pepper is harvested before it becomes mature and pink pepper comes from the French Island of Reunion. Figures.
Culinary Uses:
Black pepper can be ground into glass jars with holes in the lid and sprinkled on most foods although is not recommended on ice cream. White pepper is used in sauces where speckling is not desired. Mash green peppercorns with cinnamon or garlic or mix it in a sauce or use it to make butter. Pink peppercorns may be pulverized and infused into aerosol cans and sprayed on festive peacocks (plastic, not live).
Medical Report:
Pepper, sold as an over the counter remedy, can and will stimulant your taste buds and bring about reflux of gastric secretions which greatly improve digestion, possibly to the point of enabling you to leap tall buildings, jump hurdles and run the 100 yard dash in 9 seconds. Also supports flatulence which pollutes the environment, but why would you want to keep all that inside? The word pollute comes from the Russian root word, poot. Think our voters are crazy? Would someone name Pootin' ever get elected here? Pepper also depresses the appetite. If everything I ate had that strong peppery taste, I'd cut back.
I want to thank Wally for allowing me to guest write today and have one more thing to say. Please don't bother suing. I can only pay you off in pepper! Please read my upcoming books, "A World Without Pepper" and "What Do I Do With All Of This Pepper?"
Hey, me again! My apologies to all of you who really couldn't care less about pepper. Now you have found out, you really could care less. Perhaps in the future I might get her brother Raw Hyde to fill in.
Thought I'd end with a little poem
What are little boys made of?
Snakes and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of !"
What are little girls made of?
"Sugar and spice and everything thing nice
That's what little girls are made of!"
No wonder boys get off to a bad start! I've been told that all my life!
BAH!
Let me begin by saying that the world is in one big fat ugly mess! Not much we can do about that, but we can work on our own bodies. There are two obvious areas that need addressing - diet and exercise. My answer to both of those is PEPPER! Let's have a history lesson! Let's don't. Who said that? I'm writing this drivel! And for very little pay, I might add! HISTORY LESSON!
The history of pepper, "King of Spices" is the most fascinating of all spices! It dates back over 4000 years, yes before the Beatles. Yes, back in minus 1990 pepper was considered more valuable than gold. It was traded world-wide. Attila the Hun, not to be confused with Attila the delicatessen, demanded pepper as a ransom for Rome. Beginning with the Middle Ages, pepper was the key commodity of the European spice trade. Now just to keep the time line straight, the Middle Ages covered a period of time from the 5th to the 15th century. So, figuring backwards, which always works out best, that means the beginning of time was 500 B.C. and the end of time will be 2500 A.D. So let the good times roll! Anyhow, the Italian pepperers cornered the market by controlling the trade routes which was the beginning of the protection racket and the mafia as we know it. Had not pepper been legalized it would be smuggled in from India and sold on the black market today. Now that we know the history of pepper, we can take it with a grain of salt.
Now for a lesson in Horticulture. No! Yes! I'm writing this!
Pepper is the fruit of a venous plant, so is it a fruit or a spice? Technically it is a spruit. To further muddy the water, it is called a peppercorn, which does not make it a vegetable. Black pepper, although called a corn, is really a dried unripe berry. You might think of it as a raisin. Then again, you might think of Nancy Pelosi as Mother Teresa, but if you do, I have some Enron stock I'd like to sell you. White pepper starts out the same as black.
The world is black,
The world is white,
It turns by day,
And then by night
- Three Dog Night
Do you see how everything fits together?
Oh yeah, white pepper. White pepper is black pepper that is allowed to vine ripen and is then soaked in water until the shell falls off. Never seen white pepper? Because people are too impatient for it. Green pepper is harvested before it becomes mature and pink pepper comes from the French Island of Reunion. Figures.
Culinary Uses:
Black pepper can be ground into glass jars with holes in the lid and sprinkled on most foods although is not recommended on ice cream. White pepper is used in sauces where speckling is not desired. Mash green peppercorns with cinnamon or garlic or mix it in a sauce or use it to make butter. Pink peppercorns may be pulverized and infused into aerosol cans and sprayed on festive peacocks (plastic, not live).
Medical Report:
Pepper, sold as an over the counter remedy, can and will stimulant your taste buds and bring about reflux of gastric secretions which greatly improve digestion, possibly to the point of enabling you to leap tall buildings, jump hurdles and run the 100 yard dash in 9 seconds. Also supports flatulence which pollutes the environment, but why would you want to keep all that inside? The word pollute comes from the Russian root word, poot. Think our voters are crazy? Would someone name Pootin' ever get elected here? Pepper also depresses the appetite. If everything I ate had that strong peppery taste, I'd cut back.
I want to thank Wally for allowing me to guest write today and have one more thing to say. Please don't bother suing. I can only pay you off in pepper! Please read my upcoming books, "A World Without Pepper" and "What Do I Do With All Of This Pepper?"
Hey, me again! My apologies to all of you who really couldn't care less about pepper. Now you have found out, you really could care less. Perhaps in the future I might get her brother Raw Hyde to fill in.
Thought I'd end with a little poem
What are little boys made of?
Snakes and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of !"
What are little girls made of?
"Sugar and spice and everything thing nice
That's what little girls are made of!"
No wonder boys get off to a bad start! I've been told that all my life!
BAH!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
RIGHT OF THE LIGHTS
i WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A NEW SYNDROME. IT'S CALLED STUCK ON 'ALL CAPS SYNDROME'. No, I'm not yelling at you. That was a mistake. I'm honest, so if you see other mustakes, it's just so you know I'm not prefect! The new syndrome I discovered is called "Right Of The lights" syndrome. I first became aware of it when my eyesight began to fail. If certain driving conditions exist after dark, like darkness, narrow unlined streets, rain and oncoming traffic,I observed that I can not see the lane in which I'm driving. Since these parameters have been removed from me, I must embrace another set of assumptions.
They are:
1.The drivers of the other vehicles have normal vision.
2. They will maintain lane congruence in the interest of their own safety.
3. They are not suicidal.
4. If oncoming traffic is approaching in their own lane, then there must be a lane for me, just to the right of where they are driving.
5. It is not my time to die.
So, when these conditions occur, I simply observe the trajectory of the oncoming vehicle and direct my vehicle to the imaginary lane, to the right of their headlights. I submit the fact that I am still here writing this dribble, as certification for the validity of my syndrome. I don't know how much a syndrome creator gets paid, but I hope it's enough to hire a driver.
The syndrome does not end here, or should I explain that it did not originate from here? You see in some cases, it is a personality disorder. In early childhood it is called the "Sock Twirling Syndrome". If a small child is handed a pair of socks with instructions to put them on his/her feet, he will do one of two things. Either he will put one on the left foot and the other on the right, or he will simply sit there and twirl the socks. I was a chronic sock twirler! If there was a Sock Twirlers Anonymous Association, I by very nature, would find a way around it. A sock twirler learns how to compensate for his shortcomings (lapses in responsibility) by filling in the gaps with assumptions and observations. He may ask a classmate to repeat what the teacher said, but never the teacher. If he doesn't understand something, there is a 75% chance some other student did not either. He simply waits for them to ask the embarrassing question and pays attention this time. If no one else asks the stupid question he will compensate by making a bad grade. He is sometimes mistaken for being stupid. But because he has exercised his powers of observation, he develops a very sharp mind which is sensitive to the motives and feelings of others. This skill enables him to calculate the outcome of many various ventures, saving him much valuable time which can be spent squinting at old TV reruns. When it comes time for vision test, he will fake his way through it, because, at least in the sixties, you could be cool and stupid at the same time, but not cool and dorky. Thus he learns when there is an uncomfortable situation, he can usually steer around it, much the same as a blind adult can steer to the right of the lights. This, aversion to learning (ATL) thing, turns out to be a benefit, since many of the former teachings are no longer considered facts. Bytheway, I started out in the ATL school system so that might also explain some things.
By the way, later in life he will progress to the next phase, commonly called senility. Then, at last, he will appear to be normal.
Peace everyone! And remember, it's your abnormalities that make you special!
They are:
1.The drivers of the other vehicles have normal vision.
2. They will maintain lane congruence in the interest of their own safety.
3. They are not suicidal.
4. If oncoming traffic is approaching in their own lane, then there must be a lane for me, just to the right of where they are driving.
5. It is not my time to die.
So, when these conditions occur, I simply observe the trajectory of the oncoming vehicle and direct my vehicle to the imaginary lane, to the right of their headlights. I submit the fact that I am still here writing this dribble, as certification for the validity of my syndrome. I don't know how much a syndrome creator gets paid, but I hope it's enough to hire a driver.
The syndrome does not end here, or should I explain that it did not originate from here? You see in some cases, it is a personality disorder. In early childhood it is called the "Sock Twirling Syndrome". If a small child is handed a pair of socks with instructions to put them on his/her feet, he will do one of two things. Either he will put one on the left foot and the other on the right, or he will simply sit there and twirl the socks. I was a chronic sock twirler! If there was a Sock Twirlers Anonymous Association, I by very nature, would find a way around it. A sock twirler learns how to compensate for his shortcomings (lapses in responsibility) by filling in the gaps with assumptions and observations. He may ask a classmate to repeat what the teacher said, but never the teacher. If he doesn't understand something, there is a 75% chance some other student did not either. He simply waits for them to ask the embarrassing question and pays attention this time. If no one else asks the stupid question he will compensate by making a bad grade. He is sometimes mistaken for being stupid. But because he has exercised his powers of observation, he develops a very sharp mind which is sensitive to the motives and feelings of others. This skill enables him to calculate the outcome of many various ventures, saving him much valuable time which can be spent squinting at old TV reruns. When it comes time for vision test, he will fake his way through it, because, at least in the sixties, you could be cool and stupid at the same time, but not cool and dorky. Thus he learns when there is an uncomfortable situation, he can usually steer around it, much the same as a blind adult can steer to the right of the lights. This, aversion to learning (ATL) thing, turns out to be a benefit, since many of the former teachings are no longer considered facts. Bytheway, I started out in the ATL school system so that might also explain some things.
By the way, later in life he will progress to the next phase, commonly called senility. Then, at last, he will appear to be normal.
Peace everyone! And remember, it's your abnormalities that make you special!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
FIVE BURGERS AND A GUY!
"Five Burgers and a Guy", that might be the title to my next autobiography. I'm planning to write this one about myself. Is it selfish to write about yourself in an autobiography? I'm not all that impressed that it took five guys to come up with a burger. I'm more interested in a - no, that doesn't sound right. I'm not interested in guys at all! I'd be more impressed by a guy who could eat five burgers. Not that that he'd get my vote for president. Then again, seeing what we have, he might be better qualified! What might his qualifications be?
1. He would be a true American. To my knowledge, none of the ingredients in a hamburger come from foreign lands.
2. He would be politically incorrect. Like that!
3. He would be curious enough to check out the oil spill.
4. He would not be out to re-invent the wheel, or the health-scare system.
5. He would be a man who sets high goals and acheives them.
6. He would be a man you could sit down and talk to, especially if you had hamburgers. A good listener.
7. Remember Hamburger Hill? Good! Me neither!
SO...Wimpie for President!!
Other news...
MARTA has, in an effort to cut costs, decided to close restrooms in MARTA Stations. They are also planning to eliminate 9 positions. I assume two of them would be sitting and standing.
While the North American economy seems to be careening down the highway of debt, the president was allegedly quoted as saying, "America can't just stick it's foot out".
The Fourth of July is fast approaching and some see that as discriminatory saying, "We don't celebrate the "fourth" of any other month"!
Anyway, Happy Independence Day!!
1. He would be a true American. To my knowledge, none of the ingredients in a hamburger come from foreign lands.
2. He would be politically incorrect. Like that!
3. He would be curious enough to check out the oil spill.
4. He would not be out to re-invent the wheel, or the health-scare system.
5. He would be a man who sets high goals and acheives them.
6. He would be a man you could sit down and talk to, especially if you had hamburgers. A good listener.
7. Remember Hamburger Hill? Good! Me neither!
SO...Wimpie for President!!
Other news...
MARTA has, in an effort to cut costs, decided to close restrooms in MARTA Stations. They are also planning to eliminate 9 positions. I assume two of them would be sitting and standing.
While the North American economy seems to be careening down the highway of debt, the president was allegedly quoted as saying, "America can't just stick it's foot out".
The Fourth of July is fast approaching and some see that as discriminatory saying, "We don't celebrate the "fourth" of any other month"!
Anyway, Happy Independence Day!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Farmer John's Eating Plan
Hello Friends!
Since the last time I wrote, I went to see my doctor, you know,I call him Dr TV Doctor. He actually went pretty easy on me. Considering he almost killed me, I guess that was the least he could do. And it was his birthday. The prescription he gave me for my triglycerides worked great! My triglycerides plummeted faster than Barock Obama in the popularity pole. You know, I never noticed his initials were B.O. And he still won! And neither Barack or Obama are recognized by spell check. Anyway, my liver enzymes shot up like weeds after a spring rain. So I said goodbye to Fibrates and hello to my liver. I only have one liver and I lovher.
As a consolation, he advised me to do Waist Watchers. At least he didn't ask me to do Jenny Craig! She can't be a very nice girl. He said I'd probably have a hundred reasons not to, but that if he told me of an investment that would return 30%, I would surely find the money to put into it. I wanted to know more about the investment. Well, I claim all of the 100 reasons plus one more. IT'S AGAINST MY RELIGION!! What self respecting male would subscribe to a diet plan? I don't like the idea of paying someone else for the pounds I lose. Under those rules, I would work as hard as I could to not lose the weight. I'd gain ten pounds and then they'd owe me! It's like at work they have a dress code because we want to APPEAR like professionals. We must wear slacks and collard shirts. OK, they have the right. Call me a rebel, but I couldn't find any shirts with collards on them. But on occasion you are allowed to wear jeans, if you donate money. Call me stubborn, but I dislike the idea of paying someone money in order to wear my own clothes!
But you know, there are no diet plans for men. But that's ok, because real men don't get pedicures or go on diets! See, body building sounds better than diet or weight control. All men want to build their bodies! And no man wants to do Jenny Craig..unless you mean..never mind! I'm calling my new plan."Farmer John".
Farmer John only has six rules.
!. If it grows on a farm you can eat it.
2. If your mother didn't tell you how much you can eat, then neither will I.
3. If it can be grilled, deep fried or boiled, you can eat it.
4. If it don't eat you, you can eat it.
5. If it has an English name, you can eat it.
6. You can eat it.
Now don't let rule five slide by. It's the only restrictive rule in there, but it's important. Have you ever eaten pig snot unawares? Well you can't answer that, can you? Because if you were unaware, then you wouldn't know. All of the restaurants think by repeating the name of their latest ingredient over and over, people will order every item on the menu that features said ingredient. If,
you don't learn anything else from this, please remember that I can spell ingredient with out spellcheck..so just WATCH OUT! For example, chipotle or habernara sauce. You see, I don't know what those are or how we got along without them for so long. Our soup dejour for the day is steamed crushed baby broccoli smothered in a rich sus crofa proboscis sauce. yeah, look it up. i did and I'm not eating it! I'm not sure, but I think "dejour" means leftover.
Here's the plan:
No books to buy.
No meetings to attend,
No food restictions (except number five - must have an english name)
No weigh-ins.
No blood tests.
No pre-packaged foods to buy.
So what, you may ask, is the catch? You may. All I want is for about 100,000 people to send me five dollars for permission to try my plan. No risk, No obligation. No brow beating. If the plan doesn't work for you, simply quit!
Send all monies to:
Farmer John Eating Plan
312 Ifoola U
Bigtime Ga 10101
Since the last time I wrote, I went to see my doctor, you know,I call him Dr TV Doctor. He actually went pretty easy on me. Considering he almost killed me, I guess that was the least he could do. And it was his birthday. The prescription he gave me for my triglycerides worked great! My triglycerides plummeted faster than Barock Obama in the popularity pole. You know, I never noticed his initials were B.O. And he still won! And neither Barack or Obama are recognized by spell check. Anyway, my liver enzymes shot up like weeds after a spring rain. So I said goodbye to Fibrates and hello to my liver. I only have one liver and I lovher.
As a consolation, he advised me to do Waist Watchers. At least he didn't ask me to do Jenny Craig! She can't be a very nice girl. He said I'd probably have a hundred reasons not to, but that if he told me of an investment that would return 30%, I would surely find the money to put into it. I wanted to know more about the investment. Well, I claim all of the 100 reasons plus one more. IT'S AGAINST MY RELIGION!! What self respecting male would subscribe to a diet plan? I don't like the idea of paying someone else for the pounds I lose. Under those rules, I would work as hard as I could to not lose the weight. I'd gain ten pounds and then they'd owe me! It's like at work they have a dress code because we want to APPEAR like professionals. We must wear slacks and collard shirts. OK, they have the right. Call me a rebel, but I couldn't find any shirts with collards on them. But on occasion you are allowed to wear jeans, if you donate money. Call me stubborn, but I dislike the idea of paying someone money in order to wear my own clothes!
But you know, there are no diet plans for men. But that's ok, because real men don't get pedicures or go on diets! See, body building sounds better than diet or weight control. All men want to build their bodies! And no man wants to do Jenny Craig..unless you mean..never mind! I'm calling my new plan."Farmer John".
Farmer John only has six rules.
!. If it grows on a farm you can eat it.
2. If your mother didn't tell you how much you can eat, then neither will I.
3. If it can be grilled, deep fried or boiled, you can eat it.
4. If it don't eat you, you can eat it.
5. If it has an English name, you can eat it.
6. You can eat it.
Now don't let rule five slide by. It's the only restrictive rule in there, but it's important. Have you ever eaten pig snot unawares? Well you can't answer that, can you? Because if you were unaware, then you wouldn't know. All of the restaurants think by repeating the name of their latest ingredient over and over, people will order every item on the menu that features said ingredient. If,
you don't learn anything else from this, please remember that I can spell ingredient with out spellcheck..so just WATCH OUT! For example, chipotle or habernara sauce. You see, I don't know what those are or how we got along without them for so long. Our soup dejour for the day is steamed crushed baby broccoli smothered in a rich sus crofa proboscis sauce. yeah, look it up. i did and I'm not eating it! I'm not sure, but I think "dejour" means leftover.
Here's the plan:
No books to buy.
No meetings to attend,
No food restictions (except number five - must have an english name)
No weigh-ins.
No blood tests.
No pre-packaged foods to buy.
So what, you may ask, is the catch? You may. All I want is for about 100,000 people to send me five dollars for permission to try my plan. No risk, No obligation. No brow beating. If the plan doesn't work for you, simply quit!
Send all monies to:
Farmer John Eating Plan
312 Ifoola U
Bigtime Ga 10101
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
What Happened To Me?
I finally figured out what's wrong with me. PSI. I'm not talking about pounds per square inch, but that needs working on too. Seems like it should be pounds per cubic inch or cubic foot. No, I'm talking about "Poor Self Image". Literally! Now I'm mad! All these years I've been looking in the mirror and thinking everything was cool. Seeing what I saw, you would too! I just realized that I've been looking at a false image, all this time! Did you know that what you see in a mirror is actually a reverse image of what you really look like? There's a bible verse about looking in the mirror, then walking away and forgetting what you looked like. I never had a chance! All this time, I thought I was cool, only to realize in the seventh inning, I've been parting my hair on the wrong side! Now I look like one of those idiots I use to laugh at for parting their hair on the left. I didn't know people were laughing at me. Sounds like a Bee Gees song,
"I Started A Joke"
I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,
but I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.
I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.
I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
and I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.
Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.
Copy the link below and listen if you like.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRNTQvXSsfA
I always liked the BeeGees. Their music was very sophisticated. It was usually very beautiful, but equally sad. I know most people remember them for their disco hits, but that was the BeeGees just "Staying Alive". Their "good stuff" was from the '60's. If you're interested, listen to the album "Odessa" or their greatest hits. Their name was short for "The Brothers Gibb". They were Barry and twins Robin and Maurice. Maurice sang and wrote, in reverse order,"I Started A Joke". He passed away a few years ago, supposedly of a heart attack, but I remember it was septic shock. Younger brother, Andy, also reportedly sang and died, in that order, of a heart attack, but at the time it was reported as drugs.
What?? Well I guess you're right. I haven't had any hair to part for 20 years or so. I went bald at 16. Whatever! You've heard of phantom pain or phantom reality? People who have lost a limb, have this sense in their brain that they can still control the limb. Not that they can control the limb wherever it went to. That would be weird! This guy has all of his limbs amputated, but he can still direct them to do his dirty deeds. Spooky!! I mean in their brain, they feel like the appendage is still there and they send signals to control it, but no one is home to answer. Of course you would have to actually have a brain for this to work. Anyway, I have phantom hair. I don't feel like a bald person. Ever wonder how a bald person feels? Pretty much like normal people. Sometimes I dream I have hair.It's pretty awesome! But,it's my thorn in the flesh, like I need something to remind me that I'm not perfect. Some say it's a solar panel for a sex machine. Well, I guess the batteries aren't hooked up.
It's only words, and words are all I have to take your heart away - Barry Gibb.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JECTUQVrvzE
Oh well, I'll be expecting a check from the Brothers Gibb any day now! Oh, I had another thought.! I try for at least one a day. If you ever get a chance, see the movie "Sergeant Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band". It's the songs from the Beatle album, plus many other Beatle tunes,used to tell a story which is acted out. Most of the songs are sung by the Bee Gees. There is also George Burns singing "Fixing A Hole" and Steve Martin singing "Maxwells Silver Hammer". But no Beatles.
Had to get a message to you, so there it is
I'm just a clown that used to run around .
I used to have a million friends.
I used to start where ev'rybody ends .
So I just give my best to my friends.
"I Started A Joke"
I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,
but I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.
I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.
I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
and I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.
Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.
Copy the link below and listen if you like.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRNTQvXSsfA
I always liked the BeeGees. Their music was very sophisticated. It was usually very beautiful, but equally sad. I know most people remember them for their disco hits, but that was the BeeGees just "Staying Alive". Their "good stuff" was from the '60's. If you're interested, listen to the album "Odessa" or their greatest hits. Their name was short for "The Brothers Gibb". They were Barry and twins Robin and Maurice. Maurice sang and wrote, in reverse order,"I Started A Joke". He passed away a few years ago, supposedly of a heart attack, but I remember it was septic shock. Younger brother, Andy, also reportedly sang and died, in that order, of a heart attack, but at the time it was reported as drugs.
What?? Well I guess you're right. I haven't had any hair to part for 20 years or so. I went bald at 16. Whatever! You've heard of phantom pain or phantom reality? People who have lost a limb, have this sense in their brain that they can still control the limb. Not that they can control the limb wherever it went to. That would be weird! This guy has all of his limbs amputated, but he can still direct them to do his dirty deeds. Spooky!! I mean in their brain, they feel like the appendage is still there and they send signals to control it, but no one is home to answer. Of course you would have to actually have a brain for this to work. Anyway, I have phantom hair. I don't feel like a bald person. Ever wonder how a bald person feels? Pretty much like normal people. Sometimes I dream I have hair.It's pretty awesome! But,it's my thorn in the flesh, like I need something to remind me that I'm not perfect. Some say it's a solar panel for a sex machine. Well, I guess the batteries aren't hooked up.
It's only words, and words are all I have to take your heart away - Barry Gibb.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JECTUQVrvzE
Oh well, I'll be expecting a check from the Brothers Gibb any day now! Oh, I had another thought.! I try for at least one a day. If you ever get a chance, see the movie "Sergeant Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band". It's the songs from the Beatle album, plus many other Beatle tunes,used to tell a story which is acted out. Most of the songs are sung by the Bee Gees. There is also George Burns singing "Fixing A Hole" and Steve Martin singing "Maxwells Silver Hammer". But no Beatles.
Had to get a message to you, so there it is
I'm just a clown that used to run around .
I used to have a million friends.
I used to start where ev'rybody ends .
So I just give my best to my friends.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
ZOLPEDIN BLUES
I went to my doctor the other day-again. You never know what he's going to say, or do. This is my Dr.TV Doctor, the one who is not an actor, but plays one in real life. I always try to anticipate how the visit will go. First I organize my fears and expectations. Then, I check with my wife to see if she has anything to add. I was concerned that he might want to do my annual physical, even though I had one last year. I knew he would bug me about my cholesterol. My smarter, prettier half suggested I ask him for diabetes medication. So now I'm fully prepared. I got a pass on the physical. He poo-pooed (medical term) the diabetes medication and doubled my blood pressure medication. I'll meet his double and half it! The last time, he gave me a prescription for cholesterol drugs, even though I told him I didn't want it. I never filled it. This time, he gave me another one. I told him I would try it. Maybe I will. Lying to a doctor is not the same as lying to a regular person is it? I asked him about a sleep study. He said, "Do you wake up a lot during the night"? I said "Yes". He said, "That's all a sleep study will tell you and you already know that. I'm writing you a prescription for Zolpedin, that's a generic for Ambien". That's enough "he said-he said" stuff. So let's forget about the snoring, cessation of breathing, lack of oxygen thing. This will help you sleep through it. So now I take half a Zolpedin every night. Soon they'll have baby Zolpedin, so I don't have to half them. Now I sleep just fine. I don't dream or toss and turn. It's nice. But am I missing something? I usually have thoughts at night. And dreams, some weird, some frightening, some funny. Did I just give up 1/4 of my life? I feel like I'm sleeping through 30 per cent of my life. (Just wanted to see if you're paying attention or just skimming) Can you sleep through sleep? Is my life so bad that I should sleep through it? Should I be taking Zolpedaytime medication? Is it worth it? Yes! It's worth 3 bucks a month to sleep good every night!
Zolpedin Blues
I've been losing sleep at night
having bad dreams of you,
I'm walking like a zombie
and don't know what to do.
So I went to my physician
and here's what he said.
You can take yourself some Zolpedin
and sleep like the dead.
So now I've got the Zolpedin Blu-ues
My night are spent alone at the Zolpedin Hotel
I zone out with little pills and as far as I can tell
I'm losing 8 hours a day 'cause my brain has turned to gel
I can't think of you at all and I guess it's just as well
I've got the Zo-oh-wo-oh-wo-oh-wo-pe-deen Baluuuuues!
ZZZZZ--ZZZZZ--ZZZZZ--ZZZZZ-ZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Zolpedin Blues
I've been losing sleep at night
having bad dreams of you,
I'm walking like a zombie
and don't know what to do.
So I went to my physician
and here's what he said.
You can take yourself some Zolpedin
and sleep like the dead.
So now I've got the Zolpedin Blu-ues
My night are spent alone at the Zolpedin Hotel
I zone out with little pills and as far as I can tell
I'm losing 8 hours a day 'cause my brain has turned to gel
I can't think of you at all and I guess it's just as well
I've got the Zo-oh-wo-oh-wo-oh-wo-pe-deen Baluuuuues!
ZZZZZ--ZZZZZ--ZZZZZ--ZZZZZ-ZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
W G O ?
If we had texting in the 60's, WGO would mean What's going on? If I may quote Marvin Gay, who was not. I don't know how many decades it's been since you've read a newspaper, so I thought I'd save you the trouble, and the 50 cents. This will be under the title:
NEWS YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD DO WITHOUT
This is my commentary on the Henry Nabor. Let me start by saying that this is Henry County's largest circulation newspaper, which means it is thrown in more yards than any other. This particular issue happened not to get wet. If you were to buy this paper, it would cost you 50 cents, which is why I'm not worried about getting sued. They'd have to sell a lot of papers to get enough money to sue me, unless they claimed indigence and received a court appointed lawyer. Which brings me to the headline article. Henry County is concerned, not the actual county, like the land and the trees and air space, but the people who run it, they, are concerned about the cost of providing public defenders to indigent members of society, like you and me. They, not the actual county, but the people who run the county, look out the window to see if the applicants show up in gasoline powered automobiles. If so, they qualify. If they show up on foot, then they should have been able to save up enough dough to hire a shadetree lawyer. The County, not the - you know, they have devised a more quantifiable artifice for ascertaining the true eligibility of the alleged indigent. They will visit the home of each individual. If the alleged indigent is not home they will assume the citizen is only half indigent and does not qualify for full assistance. Furthermore since all of the good attorneys are still counting their money from the O.J. trial, the only ones available are just semi-competent, so the semi-indigent should be able to afford them. It has been calculated that this new revelation is supposed to bag between $250,000 and $750,000 in savings for the public defenders budget. I love precision calculating. Like the auto mechanic who quotes, "This fan belt, excuse me serpentine belt installation will cost between $70 and $395". Guess which figure it will be closer to, before tax? I suppose they have to go to the Sistine Chapel for a serpentine belt. But one Henry County official, who shall remain nameless, and probably unreelectable, stated that the county would not likely see a drop in indigence. This may be the one actual fact in the article, since most indigence is government induced to begin with. Bytheway, whenever you see a government agency and the word "calculation" in the same sentence, you should always put a mis in front of it. That is, in front of calculation. The County, even though it is named Henry, is not gender specific, although the people who run it are reported to be. The new indigent accreditation program cost the county $74,000, which will come out of the public defender's budget. Go figure!! Wait! Not now. There's more...
INSIDE STORY: CELTIC FESTIVAL HELD IN STOCKBRIDGE!
This article caught my attention, firstly because the surrounding articles were even more boring and because of my total lack of interest in basketball, I wondered who they could get to play against the Celtics. And where would they play? Perhaps they could play in the horse arena? I heard that the proper ambiance was provided by the last event. A previous article reported that the state of the art horse arena does not meet standards for horse competition. I'm guessing that these thoroughbred equine species require more elegant accommodations. Now I am off the subject which was off the original subject. I discovered, much to my relief, that the Boston Celtics were not coming to Henry County. I discovered that these Celtics, no wait! I can't stand this! Is it Celtics, like "Seltics" or like "Keltics". It's important, to me because "Keltic" just runs through my ear like a jagged knife. O, thunderation! It is "Keltic"! Oh how I wish it were the basketball players (Seltics). All phobias aside, the Celtics are coming so that we can get in touch with our ancestors, the ones that preceded our nations founders in the old country by a few hundred years. The ones that go back 10,000 years. It is in question whether the very Earth is 10,000 years old, let alone our pre-historic European ancestors, who according to this article helped to shape and form western thought. My EYE! Yeah, I can just imagine some East Indian sitting on his camel, playing his lute and singing,
A cattle trail drunk and a hard road to travel,
That old Jack O' Diamonds is a hard card to play.
Get along, get along, get along little doggies,
Get along little doggies and be on your way.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
It's your misfortune and not of my own.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
You know that Wyoming will be your new home.
Some boys have bit this old cow trail for pleasure,
But that's where they get it most awfully wrong.
I wish I could tell you the troubles they give us,
As we go rolling these doggies along.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
It's your misfortune and not of my own.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
You know that Wyoming will be your new home.
This was written by Woodie Guthrie and was only sung by Hollywood cowboys as little Woodie had not entered this world until 1912, unless you use the carbon dating technique, which could run the clock back to 1595. At any rate, I am incapable of mentioning Woodie Guthrie without recounting the time when Bob Dylan as a young man, or whatever, came to his idol, Woodie Guthrie. He played a few of his songs for Woodie and Woodie's appraisal was this. Bob, you have a truly great voice, but you're going to have to work on those lyrics! If you didn't fall down laughing on that one, I'll assume you were already on the floor! Or, you're not that familiar with Bob Dylan. Anyway, a humorous story that has to be explained, is not humorous.
That's enough news for today.
NEWS YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD DO WITHOUT
This is my commentary on the Henry Nabor. Let me start by saying that this is Henry County's largest circulation newspaper, which means it is thrown in more yards than any other. This particular issue happened not to get wet. If you were to buy this paper, it would cost you 50 cents, which is why I'm not worried about getting sued. They'd have to sell a lot of papers to get enough money to sue me, unless they claimed indigence and received a court appointed lawyer. Which brings me to the headline article. Henry County is concerned, not the actual county, like the land and the trees and air space, but the people who run it, they, are concerned about the cost of providing public defenders to indigent members of society, like you and me. They, not the actual county, but the people who run the county, look out the window to see if the applicants show up in gasoline powered automobiles. If so, they qualify. If they show up on foot, then they should have been able to save up enough dough to hire a shadetree lawyer. The County, not the - you know, they have devised a more quantifiable artifice for ascertaining the true eligibility of the alleged indigent. They will visit the home of each individual. If the alleged indigent is not home they will assume the citizen is only half indigent and does not qualify for full assistance. Furthermore since all of the good attorneys are still counting their money from the O.J. trial, the only ones available are just semi-competent, so the semi-indigent should be able to afford them. It has been calculated that this new revelation is supposed to bag between $250,000 and $750,000 in savings for the public defenders budget. I love precision calculating. Like the auto mechanic who quotes, "This fan belt, excuse me serpentine belt installation will cost between $70 and $395". Guess which figure it will be closer to, before tax? I suppose they have to go to the Sistine Chapel for a serpentine belt. But one Henry County official, who shall remain nameless, and probably unreelectable, stated that the county would not likely see a drop in indigence. This may be the one actual fact in the article, since most indigence is government induced to begin with. Bytheway, whenever you see a government agency and the word "calculation" in the same sentence, you should always put a mis in front of it. That is, in front of calculation. The County, even though it is named Henry, is not gender specific, although the people who run it are reported to be. The new indigent accreditation program cost the county $74,000, which will come out of the public defender's budget. Go figure!! Wait! Not now. There's more...
INSIDE STORY: CELTIC FESTIVAL HELD IN STOCKBRIDGE!
This article caught my attention, firstly because the surrounding articles were even more boring and because of my total lack of interest in basketball, I wondered who they could get to play against the Celtics. And where would they play? Perhaps they could play in the horse arena? I heard that the proper ambiance was provided by the last event. A previous article reported that the state of the art horse arena does not meet standards for horse competition. I'm guessing that these thoroughbred equine species require more elegant accommodations. Now I am off the subject which was off the original subject. I discovered, much to my relief, that the Boston Celtics were not coming to Henry County. I discovered that these Celtics, no wait! I can't stand this! Is it Celtics, like "Seltics" or like "Keltics". It's important, to me because "Keltic" just runs through my ear like a jagged knife. O, thunderation! It is "Keltic"! Oh how I wish it were the basketball players (Seltics). All phobias aside, the Celtics are coming so that we can get in touch with our ancestors, the ones that preceded our nations founders in the old country by a few hundred years. The ones that go back 10,000 years. It is in question whether the very Earth is 10,000 years old, let alone our pre-historic European ancestors, who according to this article helped to shape and form western thought. My EYE! Yeah, I can just imagine some East Indian sitting on his camel, playing his lute and singing,
A cattle trail drunk and a hard road to travel,
That old Jack O' Diamonds is a hard card to play.
Get along, get along, get along little doggies,
Get along little doggies and be on your way.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
It's your misfortune and not of my own.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
You know that Wyoming will be your new home.
Some boys have bit this old cow trail for pleasure,
But that's where they get it most awfully wrong.
I wish I could tell you the troubles they give us,
As we go rolling these doggies along.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
It's your misfortune and not of my own.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
You know that Wyoming will be your new home.
This was written by Woodie Guthrie and was only sung by Hollywood cowboys as little Woodie had not entered this world until 1912, unless you use the carbon dating technique, which could run the clock back to 1595. At any rate, I am incapable of mentioning Woodie Guthrie without recounting the time when Bob Dylan as a young man, or whatever, came to his idol, Woodie Guthrie. He played a few of his songs for Woodie and Woodie's appraisal was this. Bob, you have a truly great voice, but you're going to have to work on those lyrics! If you didn't fall down laughing on that one, I'll assume you were already on the floor! Or, you're not that familiar with Bob Dylan. Anyway, a humorous story that has to be explained, is not humorous.
That's enough news for today.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
NUTRITION: IS THERE A LOOPHOLE?
I guess you know about facebook. If not, for just 5 hours a day, I can solve your food, tv and floor-licking addictions. It's what we have come to know as AC, addiction consolidation. I promise, if you don't drastically cut back on your addiction of choice, you can come to my house and lick the floors, because I am seriously behind (on my floor licking).
I received a friend invitation on facebook today. I wondered how she knew me, or how I knew her, or if I wanted to know her. I think it's the Ma Kettle flight attendant from my first airline flight. My previous flights did not include attendants, or airplanes. I was interested. So, I read on..as you may want to do. Ever notice how you keep reading on, even when you're not interested. Who knows, you might find something valuable in here..like grounds for a lawsuit. Reading on, I learned that we have (she thinks) something in common..NUTRITION. Those who know me, realize that nothing could be further from or less congruent with the truth! I am very concerned about nutrition - the way that some people are very concerned about snakes. If you don't recognize it, how can you avoid it? Why, they're putting vegetables in everything now. The root word for nutrition is the Latin word nut.
Nut-someone who is so ardently devoted to something that it resembles an addiction; a tennis nut, a beach nut, a environmental nut. Alternate definition from the NTD-New Twisted Dictionary: Nut-one who would seek democratic office, also one who would vote for a democrap The suffix of nutrition comes from the word trite:Lacking power to evoke interest through overuse or repetition. NTD trite-food that would not be eaten by starving dogs. These lovers of cardboard food, believe that if you follow the eating habits of the wild turtle, you may live from 100 to 150 years.I guess from 0 to 100, you're just waiting for the taste buds to kick in. What else can a turtle do? And how wild can a turtle really be? Never saw one with a six-pack and a boom box. That would be a boom-box turtle (thrown in for humor). Don't take everything you read here seriously! I have also been thrown out for humor a few times. Unless you believe in the fictional Ninja Turtles and the national health-nut care plan, turtles live an extremely sedate life. Perhaps if they ate some red meat and ice cream they could sit up and watch tv, like normal people. DAILY TURTLE HEADLINES: Two turtles tangle at Tim/Tom's Turtle Tavern over a stripper. The two torts head-butted for a couple hours, then fell asleep, while the tart-tort crawled back into her shell. No one was hurt. Imagine a whole race where everyone has an Eeyore complex. Do you ever see two turtles in the woods? The average turtle spends about 50 years of his life looking for another turtle. Not Mr. or Mrs. Right Turtle, just another turtle. If it happens to be the wrong sex, which takes three more years to determine, then you start all over again.
Do I want to order from the Healthy Choice menu? Does a turtle have wings? I like the diet menu at Silver Coral. I eat a balanced diet there from all four food groups - steak, ribs, ham and fried chicken. And I follow the "Carnivores Rules And Practices" for good health. I eat no piece of meat bigger than my hand. It hard to get all of those pieces on my plate, but I do it! They have a Carla Dean menu there. I love the Carla-Dean Shepherds Pie using soy bean and whole grain corn curd. They start with a layer of Irish potatos.(in honor of Dan Quale)smotherd with a stick of butter, put a 1/2 cup of crushed, not pureed soy bean in a bowl. On top of the potatos and butter add a pound of ground beef (already browned), add another layer of potatos, then butter. every time you add butter, add salt - it's a rule. 1/2 pound of bacon. Sprinkle 1/4 cup of corn curd over the soy beans in a bowl. add a layer of black-eyed peas and sliced tomatos and a handful of onions and top it off with another layer of Irish potatos and butter (salt). throw the soy bean and corn curd in the trash and serve! Wal-lah!!
Bottom line is, if you want to be my friend, think of something more interesting than nutrition.
see ya in the funny papers!
I received a friend invitation on facebook today. I wondered how she knew me, or how I knew her, or if I wanted to know her. I think it's the Ma Kettle flight attendant from my first airline flight. My previous flights did not include attendants, or airplanes. I was interested. So, I read on..as you may want to do. Ever notice how you keep reading on, even when you're not interested. Who knows, you might find something valuable in here..like grounds for a lawsuit. Reading on, I learned that we have (she thinks) something in common..NUTRITION. Those who know me, realize that nothing could be further from or less congruent with the truth! I am very concerned about nutrition - the way that some people are very concerned about snakes. If you don't recognize it, how can you avoid it? Why, they're putting vegetables in everything now. The root word for nutrition is the Latin word nut.
Nut-someone who is so ardently devoted to something that it resembles an addiction; a tennis nut, a beach nut, a environmental nut. Alternate definition from the NTD-New Twisted Dictionary: Nut-one who would seek democratic office, also one who would vote for a democrap The suffix of nutrition comes from the word trite:Lacking power to evoke interest through overuse or repetition. NTD trite-food that would not be eaten by starving dogs. These lovers of cardboard food, believe that if you follow the eating habits of the wild turtle, you may live from 100 to 150 years.I guess from 0 to 100, you're just waiting for the taste buds to kick in. What else can a turtle do? And how wild can a turtle really be? Never saw one with a six-pack and a boom box. That would be a boom-box turtle (thrown in for humor). Don't take everything you read here seriously! I have also been thrown out for humor a few times. Unless you believe in the fictional Ninja Turtles and the national health-nut care plan, turtles live an extremely sedate life. Perhaps if they ate some red meat and ice cream they could sit up and watch tv, like normal people. DAILY TURTLE HEADLINES: Two turtles tangle at Tim/Tom's Turtle Tavern over a stripper. The two torts head-butted for a couple hours, then fell asleep, while the tart-tort crawled back into her shell. No one was hurt. Imagine a whole race where everyone has an Eeyore complex. Do you ever see two turtles in the woods? The average turtle spends about 50 years of his life looking for another turtle. Not Mr. or Mrs. Right Turtle, just another turtle. If it happens to be the wrong sex, which takes three more years to determine, then you start all over again.
Do I want to order from the Healthy Choice menu? Does a turtle have wings? I like the diet menu at Silver Coral. I eat a balanced diet there from all four food groups - steak, ribs, ham and fried chicken. And I follow the "Carnivores Rules And Practices" for good health. I eat no piece of meat bigger than my hand. It hard to get all of those pieces on my plate, but I do it! They have a Carla Dean menu there. I love the Carla-Dean Shepherds Pie using soy bean and whole grain corn curd. They start with a layer of Irish potatos.(in honor of Dan Quale)smotherd with a stick of butter, put a 1/2 cup of crushed, not pureed soy bean in a bowl. On top of the potatos and butter add a pound of ground beef (already browned), add another layer of potatos, then butter. every time you add butter, add salt - it's a rule. 1/2 pound of bacon. Sprinkle 1/4 cup of corn curd over the soy beans in a bowl. add a layer of black-eyed peas and sliced tomatos and a handful of onions and top it off with another layer of Irish potatos and butter (salt). throw the soy bean and corn curd in the trash and serve! Wal-lah!!
Bottom line is, if you want to be my friend, think of something more interesting than nutrition.
see ya in the funny papers!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Things are not what they seem - or are they?
Hi folks,
Hope things are well with you. Me? I've got 20/20 vision! You know, I see things 20 feet away as if it were 20 blocks. Or some times, not at all! Better yet, sometimes I see things that aren't even there, without medication. But I'm no fool! Big surprise. I don't speak everything I see. I have learned not to trust my eyes, or my brain. When I see something strange, I wait until I get a little closer before I speak, because that might not have been an elephant in the neighbors driveway. The other night, I was sitting at my usual place on the couch, where only I, normally sit. And sometimes eat - food. I was sitting there and looked down beside me and saw what appeared to be a small morsel of food. It looked like a bean or a piece of a pretzel or something. I had a decision to make. We make decisions all day long. Do I wear this shirt or that one? Do I watch Becker or My Name is Earl? Do I bomb Afghanistan or hoist a few with Rev. Wright? Here's the thing. (A)I could put this thing in the trash can, but that would be labor intensive. (B) I could give it to Rusty Bullet (my dog), but he was comfortably curled up with my wife. Something is wrong with that scenario. (3) I could just eat it. Now am I a 56 year old or a 56 week old? You judge. I assumed I had previously dropped this thing (5 hour rule) so it should be okay to eat. So, I put this unknown substance in my mouth. This was one of those situations where you don't have to wait to see if your choice was right. I decided this thing might have been some kind of pill. But first, I decided to clutch my throat and run past the trash can, where I could have deposited the thing, grab the nearest glass and drink tap water! It's like the time at Pizza Hut when I decided to to taste one of those things, that you sprinkle on food from a bottle on the table. I drank the whole pitcher of coke. I apologized and bought the Johnsons another pitcher. You're supposed to scrape microscopic slithers off these little things and stir them into a bath tub full of chili. You could serve this to the entire house of representatives. Without TUMS. Let's see how many vacate their seats! Needless to say, I won't be doing anything like that again. Not for a long time! Unless I become ????? What's that word for people who can't remember things?
I did learn my lesson. We were all put here for a reason. I think I was put here to learn not to do stupid things. The only reason I'm still here. is because I am still afflicted with chronic stupidity. God doesn't want stupid people in heaven. I'm kidding! Stop worrying. God loves stupid people. He must, or He wouldn't have made so many of them! (old but still funny) I like spray deodorant. That way the applicator doesn't have to touch your armpit, or anyone else's. Besides, that cool mist is refreshing! I've had this tall green can of Brut on my bathroom counter for a year or so now. It quit working shortly after I bought it. This made me sad. I figured the nozzle had become clogged. Makes sense. My dad abstains from using deodorant. I guess at that age, who cares what you smell like. He always said, "If something can make you stop sweating, what else is it doing to you. Your body is supposed to sweat". Well, the other day I decided to try this Brut deodorant one more time before throwing it away. I thought of aiming this into my mouth or some other crazy place, because I was 99.97% sure it wouldn't work. But not being totally stupid, I aimed it at the usual place. To my great surprise, it worked. Now, am I a genius or what? I'm guessing, what.
We've come to the medical news portion of my rag. Notice, I did not say medical advice. I AM NOT A DOCTOR! What you read here is for information only. Here's a simple home remedy. If you use an asthma inhaler or have COPD this might be helpful. Emphasis on MIGHT. If a COPD (COunty Police Department) car pulls you over, start inhaling frantically on your inhaler. Between breaths say INHALE -I'm glad you're here-INHALE- I need help-INHALE-I just dialed 911- INHALE-I can't believe you got here so quick! Here's what I learned about Inhalers. One called Symbicord actually contains Ford motor oil. I thought I was hearing things, but that's what the commercial says. It contains Fordmotoroil. I believe you could make your own. I have some Fordmotoroil which has aged nicely. It's dark and thick, like that fancy steak sauce. You could probably smother your steak with Fordmotoroil and it would act as a laxitive. Fordmotoroil can also be used to treat cedar siding. Now I'm not stupid and don't think me a fool. I know it doesn't have to be "Ford" motor oil! It could be Japanese motor oil. But there would be side effects. When you sneeze, it will sound like ah-ah-ah KAWA-sakee. Or ah-ah-ah toYota. Or the genteel ladies may sneeze like ah-ah Nissan! Dat-so? No, dey hadn't made Datsuns for years.
Don't you love new products. I think we may be giving our dogs a complex though, if they watch tv. Does your dog poop and then look back in disgust? No wonder! The commercials are pressuring your dog to be an optimal pooper. I'm not making this up! Someone is, but it's not me! You can control the color of their output by controlling their input. It's called designer poop. I once had a dog who ate crayons.You can imagine what that looked like, especially if she had swallowed hair also. It would make a nice colorful necklace! Oh, I just love your necklace!! Where ever did you get it! It's a Giovani original. He could make one for you if you like. The other doggie thing they are offering is a poop mat. You place the mat on the floor and your dog just loves to poop on it - more than any other place. If you have small children you should keep them separated because they are quick learners. If you could get your pooch to poop the color of your carpet, the stains would be minimized to the point where a spoonful of gasoline and a match would take care of it. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME unless you are a certified trained professional.
Other products. I get ads for Motor Meant. They make die-cast metal replicas of automobiles. I have a few. They are quite nice. They send ads that say things like, "Our customers keep asking, how can you sell these quality products for only $12.95"? But they never answer themselves. The way they can do this is they also send you some sort of free gift. Then they charge you shipping and handling on the product and the gift. So your total purchase price ends up at $95.12. Remember people, things are not always or even often what they seem. Because you are reading all of this, I know you're smarter than most people, or just very bored. I keep seeing Magic Jack on TV. I know it's a gimmick, so I checked it out. You know you can't get quality phone service for $19.95 a year. It's a voice over internet deal. Every time you make a phone call your personal files are sent to 40 million people including John Edwards. When you dial 911 you get Pizza Hut and they deliver a pizza to William Shatner. And the clincher is if I dial a 900 number, I get Rosie O'Dognal! At least that's what I heard.
Don't be sucked in by get poor quick schemes. It if sounds cheap, it is. It's cheap/expensive. Best advice is don't buy anything. Eat the food in your freezer and call me back in a month.
I wish everyone well! All for now.
Hope things are well with you. Me? I've got 20/20 vision! You know, I see things 20 feet away as if it were 20 blocks. Or some times, not at all! Better yet, sometimes I see things that aren't even there, without medication. But I'm no fool! Big surprise. I don't speak everything I see. I have learned not to trust my eyes, or my brain. When I see something strange, I wait until I get a little closer before I speak, because that might not have been an elephant in the neighbors driveway. The other night, I was sitting at my usual place on the couch, where only I, normally sit. And sometimes eat - food. I was sitting there and looked down beside me and saw what appeared to be a small morsel of food. It looked like a bean or a piece of a pretzel or something. I had a decision to make. We make decisions all day long. Do I wear this shirt or that one? Do I watch Becker or My Name is Earl? Do I bomb Afghanistan or hoist a few with Rev. Wright? Here's the thing. (A)I could put this thing in the trash can, but that would be labor intensive. (B) I could give it to Rusty Bullet (my dog), but he was comfortably curled up with my wife. Something is wrong with that scenario. (3) I could just eat it. Now am I a 56 year old or a 56 week old? You judge. I assumed I had previously dropped this thing (5 hour rule) so it should be okay to eat. So, I put this unknown substance in my mouth. This was one of those situations where you don't have to wait to see if your choice was right. I decided this thing might have been some kind of pill. But first, I decided to clutch my throat and run past the trash can, where I could have deposited the thing, grab the nearest glass and drink tap water! It's like the time at Pizza Hut when I decided to to taste one of those things, that you sprinkle on food from a bottle on the table. I drank the whole pitcher of coke. I apologized and bought the Johnsons another pitcher. You're supposed to scrape microscopic slithers off these little things and stir them into a bath tub full of chili. You could serve this to the entire house of representatives. Without TUMS. Let's see how many vacate their seats! Needless to say, I won't be doing anything like that again. Not for a long time! Unless I become ????? What's that word for people who can't remember things?
I did learn my lesson. We were all put here for a reason. I think I was put here to learn not to do stupid things. The only reason I'm still here. is because I am still afflicted with chronic stupidity. God doesn't want stupid people in heaven. I'm kidding! Stop worrying. God loves stupid people. He must, or He wouldn't have made so many of them! (old but still funny) I like spray deodorant. That way the applicator doesn't have to touch your armpit, or anyone else's. Besides, that cool mist is refreshing! I've had this tall green can of Brut on my bathroom counter for a year or so now. It quit working shortly after I bought it. This made me sad. I figured the nozzle had become clogged. Makes sense. My dad abstains from using deodorant. I guess at that age, who cares what you smell like. He always said, "If something can make you stop sweating, what else is it doing to you. Your body is supposed to sweat". Well, the other day I decided to try this Brut deodorant one more time before throwing it away. I thought of aiming this into my mouth or some other crazy place, because I was 99.97% sure it wouldn't work. But not being totally stupid, I aimed it at the usual place. To my great surprise, it worked. Now, am I a genius or what? I'm guessing, what.
We've come to the medical news portion of my rag. Notice, I did not say medical advice. I AM NOT A DOCTOR! What you read here is for information only. Here's a simple home remedy. If you use an asthma inhaler or have COPD this might be helpful. Emphasis on MIGHT. If a COPD (COunty Police Department) car pulls you over, start inhaling frantically on your inhaler. Between breaths say INHALE -I'm glad you're here-INHALE- I need help-INHALE-I just dialed 911- INHALE-I can't believe you got here so quick! Here's what I learned about Inhalers. One called Symbicord actually contains Ford motor oil. I thought I was hearing things, but that's what the commercial says. It contains Fordmotoroil. I believe you could make your own. I have some Fordmotoroil which has aged nicely. It's dark and thick, like that fancy steak sauce. You could probably smother your steak with Fordmotoroil and it would act as a laxitive. Fordmotoroil can also be used to treat cedar siding. Now I'm not stupid and don't think me a fool. I know it doesn't have to be "Ford" motor oil! It could be Japanese motor oil. But there would be side effects. When you sneeze, it will sound like ah-ah-ah KAWA-sakee. Or ah-ah-ah toYota. Or the genteel ladies may sneeze like ah-ah Nissan! Dat-so? No, dey hadn't made Datsuns for years.
Don't you love new products. I think we may be giving our dogs a complex though, if they watch tv. Does your dog poop and then look back in disgust? No wonder! The commercials are pressuring your dog to be an optimal pooper. I'm not making this up! Someone is, but it's not me! You can control the color of their output by controlling their input. It's called designer poop. I once had a dog who ate crayons.You can imagine what that looked like, especially if she had swallowed hair also. It would make a nice colorful necklace! Oh, I just love your necklace!! Where ever did you get it! It's a Giovani original. He could make one for you if you like. The other doggie thing they are offering is a poop mat. You place the mat on the floor and your dog just loves to poop on it - more than any other place. If you have small children you should keep them separated because they are quick learners. If you could get your pooch to poop the color of your carpet, the stains would be minimized to the point where a spoonful of gasoline and a match would take care of it. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME unless you are a certified trained professional.
Other products. I get ads for Motor Meant. They make die-cast metal replicas of automobiles. I have a few. They are quite nice. They send ads that say things like, "Our customers keep asking, how can you sell these quality products for only $12.95"? But they never answer themselves. The way they can do this is they also send you some sort of free gift. Then they charge you shipping and handling on the product and the gift. So your total purchase price ends up at $95.12. Remember people, things are not always or even often what they seem. Because you are reading all of this, I know you're smarter than most people, or just very bored. I keep seeing Magic Jack on TV. I know it's a gimmick, so I checked it out. You know you can't get quality phone service for $19.95 a year. It's a voice over internet deal. Every time you make a phone call your personal files are sent to 40 million people including John Edwards. When you dial 911 you get Pizza Hut and they deliver a pizza to William Shatner. And the clincher is if I dial a 900 number, I get Rosie O'Dognal! At least that's what I heard.
Don't be sucked in by get poor quick schemes. It if sounds cheap, it is. It's cheap/expensive. Best advice is don't buy anything. Eat the food in your freezer and call me back in a month.
I wish everyone well! All for now.
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