Hello my friends,
You are so special for many reasons. One of them is that you appreciate how young I am! You are never more close to someone than when you share the same boat. I never thought much about that saying 'We're all in the same boat" until now. I just realized that, hopefully, my friends, and I guess, really old people are the only ones who might think I'm still young, or at least, not old. I have been on a boat with some friends before. A really huge boat, with thousands of people. All kinds of people. People like me and people not like me. But, I am also in a figurative boat and the older I get, the smaller this boat becomes. So, welcome friends to my boat! It just hit me that most of the people in the world are younger than I (am). I suppose the "am" is assumed, but I'm used to being assumed, if that's anything like being ignored. Today, I reached the intersection of Chambers Rd and McCullough Rd (in my car). I realize that my readers in Nova-Scotia will not relate to this, but I'm not a'boat to lose sleep over it. Speaking of Nova Scotia, I guess you heard about the climate change conference in Copenhagen. It galls me that mankind is so self important that he thinks he can control the climate. He will find some way to put a big dial in the sky, so we can change the temperature. But what if North Korea wants it's own dial. How many people have access to the dial? Remember in the bible when they tried to build a tower to the sky and God said, "No, you're not installing a thermostat! And so He separated the peoples. Well mankind has pretty much managed to mess it all up again. He will spend billions on the study of the control of greenhouse gases. Do you know how many hamburgers McDonald's has sold. You'd think it would be the first thing you see on their website, but I couldn't even find it. Don't worry, it's on Wikipedia. They have sold over 100 billion hamburgers, but it took over 54 years to do it How long do you think it will take our present administration, whose leader is younger than I (am) to spend 100 billion dollars? Less than 54 months! It would be better spent on the control of chicken house gases. I don't know if chickens emit methane gas like cows, but seriously, with all of the economic concerns of today, we don't need to spend money on trying to control the weather. They show video footage of all of the poor and sick people who are suffering and starving in the heat, while they twiddle their thumbs and think of ways to spend money. They're all meeting in Copenhagen now to talk about this some more. Have they heard of teleconferencing? Why couldn't they meet in Bangladesh or Nubia or Griffin? Copenhagen is the perfect place. It's romantic with all of the castles and city waterways with gondolas and the arts. It's ironic that the city where "anything goes" is so picky about the environment, but I guess that's like the pot calling the kettle black. On second thought, let's send all of the politicians there and maybe they won't come back!
Wheww! That's somehow gets me back to my original point. I was waiting to turn left from Chambers to McCullough and the oncoming vehicle hesitated, after waiting for their right of way and I mistakenly thought they were being kind, and letting me make my turn. I eased forward and received a dirty look. I apologize, I thought you were just being kind. My mistake. Southern drivers are often kind and courteous. It must have been an out-of-towner. If you ever get a chance, watch "The Out of Towners", the old Jack Lemmon/Sandy Dennis version.
My 80 year old uncle had his DNA tested to discover our ancestry, which applies to me, since his parents were my grandparents. So I'm learning about my past, which they are dating back 150,000 years. Now, the bible tells me that man was created about 8000 years ago, so I will take this info with a block of salt. Supposedly my ancestors started in Egypt, traveled thru Libya, Tunisia, Greece, Turkey, Belarus, Denmark and ended up around Norway or maybe Copenhagen. They probably became Vikings or Volga Boat Men. Thus my love for music. the rowers would sing"Volga boat men, we're Volga boat men". Anyway, I don't believe in this stuff. It's like carbon dating. I don't believe in dating twins, but if I did, it would be one at a time. It's a non-issue now, as it was then. They expect me to believe they can tell the difference between something that is 19 million years old and something that is only 7 million years old. I don't even keep up with how old the things are in my fridgerator. If it's not green or furry, I eat it. So far, so good. So I found out I belong to a haplogroup. everyone does. Haplogroup H. Also Subclave Group H. Armed with this information I can bravely challenge the world, knowing that my ancestors survived everything the world could throw at them. Judging from all of the markers they left behind, I can assume they were Vikings, Explorers, Aristocrats, world travelers, or perhaps misfits, getting kicked out of every region they settled in. They say I have many thousands of ancestors so they must have been very free with their DNA. At any rate, the more we learn about our ancestors, the more we understand how bad we are, because people are just plain bad.
Oh well, let's chalk this one up to political commentary and close with this bit of timely advice: "Cruise while you can, for tomorrow the world runs on chicken poop".
Silent night!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
All We Are Saying, Is Give Funny A Chance"
Here I am quoting, albeit, not verbatim, John Lennon. How strange!! But once again I'm trusting my precious readers to an untested source. Please walk into the mine field of comedy with Jerry Meinfield! Notice I didn't say "give it up for". It's kind of silly to give it up before you've read it.
My Very First Comedy Performance
by Jerry Meinfield
When I was first breaking into comedy...like it’s Fort Knox and you have to break into it. Imagine being so brazen as to break in to this place and try to steal everyone's laughter. When you first start out in comedy, you have to join a comedy union. At least that’s what “some guys” told me. Bytheway, never do what “some guys” tell you to do. They explained to me that it provided an exclusive double indemnity insurance policy. Like if I die twice, they pay off! More like the protection racket. So I said, that’s okay, because I practice “safe comedy”. They said I might try working on a routine that involved broken kneecaps, because comedy usually comes out of your experiences. So I decided a small policy couldn’t hurt, whereas no policy would be painful. And though funny, not worth it! These guys said I should start out playing the bars. A few drinks and they’ll laugh at anything! It helps if the audience is drinking too. Well, actually I was behind some local bars, like the Federal Pen. Bang Zoom! Right to the top!
They promised me a captive audience. Well, let me tell you, a captive audience does not a “captivated” audience make. Neither does an incarcerated one. I had heard that Al Capone had served some time here back in 1932 and the legend is very much alive. Some say his spirit still seems to lurk the dark and danky cells. I’ve been wanting to use that word - danky. Long and lanky, dark and danky, clear and clanky. Those phrases conjure up really, vivid images. Very imagerous! I asked the inn keepers, uh inn mates. Oh, maybe that’s why they looked at me strangely. I asked the striped people. There are two kinds of people. Those who correctly say striped and those who ignorantly say stripe-ped. If you're one of the ignorant ones, just add this to your list of things to ignore. Anyway, I asked the audience if they believed in re-incarnation. You remember, the whole Capone thing? A few said that they had indeed been reincarcerated for the same thing, three times! They totally missed the point, but since their point was sharper than mine, I allowed them to prevail.
Would you believe they almost closed the Federal Pen down in the 80’s? But about that time the Grant Park Zoo became Zoo Atlanta and with that backwards name they turned the whole zoo backwards. Used to be the animals were behind bars and you could walk right up and stare at them, and they, you. Now you walk past their private estate, which you pay for, and hope they might decide to come out and give you a look, but if not, tough bwana nuts. Well someone, probably one of the Candler’s, got to missing the old zoo and decided to save the prison. I thought it would make a great amusement park. It has a wonderful location. It could have a wax museum and a spook house, laundry cart roller coaster, escaped convict shooting galley etc. It’s just down the road from the zoo at the wrong end of Boulevard. The Grant Park district is now a very high dollar, renovated historical community.. My house on the other hand was novated about 8 years ago and it’s now ready for renovation. The Pen on Boulevard would be a perfect condo project. The ideal gated golf community, with beautiful green lawns. It would be Atlanta’s first Segre-gated community with more than 8 distinctly separate sections. There‘s The Play Pen, The Bull Pen. The Safety Pen, The Firing Pen, The Fountain Pen, The Straight Pen, Hair Pen, Bowling Pen you know for hair salon, daycare, ballfield, watering hole etc. It would house restaurants, an amphitheater, a world class fitness center. It has everything. It would be like the old Cabbage Town Fulton Bag and Cotton Mill just down the road - times fifty. Many people don’t know how the sport of softball originated from Cabbage Town. The mill opened in 1860 and recruited poor Irish/Scotts to live in the shotgun houses and work the mill. They soon found that dogs could not do this type of work, so they hired their masters. In 1865 a train derailed on a sharp curve, dumping a shipment of cabbages, so the residents grabbed the cabbages and began growing and cooking them which made the neighborhood reek with the smell of burning rubber. Kidding, it was the smell of boiled cabbage. The cabbage patch kids would sing:
Chorus: Boil that cabbage down,
Bake that hoecake brown.
The onliest song I ever did sing
Is "Boil That Cabbage Down."
Once I had an old gray horse;
Rode him down to town.
'Fore I got my trading done,
The buzzards had him down.
(Chorus)
Wish I had a needle and thread,
As fine as I could sew.
I'd sew that girlie to my coat,
And down the road I'd go.
(Chorus)
Wisht I had a nickel,
Wisht I had a dime,
Wisht I had a pretty little girl
To love me all the time.
Google Smothers Brothers Boil that Cabbage down for an audio/video version.
Anyway, the neighborhood kids couldn’t afford sporting goods, so they started playing baseball with a cabbage and a broomstick bat, which later became known as softball. They eventually became the Atlanta Crackers, because a real slugger, like Max Baer (renowned southern boxer, also father of Max Baer Jr, aka Jethro Bodine) could hit the cabbage so hard it would crack. By the time the opponent could field the broken cabbage, the batter would be on third base. Thus the southern delicacy, Baer Battered Cabbage.
For now, it’s home to 957 of the baddest neighbors you’d ever want to meet. If I can make these guys laugh, perhaps I could play the Monastery next time. The first thing a comedian must do is consider his audience, what they go thru, what makes them laugh, what makes them not want to kill you? They’re just regular people who are going thru a tough time. I decided perhaps my comic hero, Bob Hope had set a good example with his USO shows, so I might try to emulate him. Hi guys, this is Jerry - love what you’ve done with the place - Mienfield. Thought I’d drop in and see what the attraction is for this castle. I requested a reservation, but the warden said it was booked from ten to twenty.. Said I’d have to wait for a vacancy. As luck has it there’s a vacancy at midnight unless the governor intervenes. I unplugged the phone so Mr. 4952613, please be sure to clear your stuff out by say, nine-thirtyish.. But you should see the cab service. I hitched a ride in an FBI cab. They slowed down to 50, opened the back door and let me out at the curb. They didn’t wait around for the tip. I guess they knew the door man would take it when I come in. I heard there weren’t any females here, so I brought a few. These are wholesome broads. Oh, I should have said these are some whole broads! No missing parts! Some are relocated, but everything’s still there. Yep, these are real put together ladies. You can ask their surgeons!. A couple of them can even take their own teeth out! The rest need help. These women can actually predict the future, which is what most people predict. I used to predict the past. It’s pretty handy being able to tell people what happened even after it happened. Only one lady didn’t like her husbands past and - I think that’s her in the fifth row with the daggers tattooed on her armpits. Anyway, for you guys that have 20 or 30 to go, these gals can show you how your wives will look when you get out! Makes you want to re-up doesn’t it? They brought you some pies and cakes. They promised not to put saws in the cakes, but I believe you could cut the bars with a pie crust.
Well I’m afraid that’s about all the time I have left. I mean, if I don’t leave now, I’m really afraid that my time is up. You’ve been a real killer audience or, um, I mean it’s been nice getting to know you and I’ll write real soon.
Boy! Where are “some guys“ when you really need them??
Don’t laugh ’till you get outside the gates!
My Very First Comedy Performance
by Jerry Meinfield
When I was first breaking into comedy...like it’s Fort Knox and you have to break into it. Imagine being so brazen as to break in to this place and try to steal everyone's laughter. When you first start out in comedy, you have to join a comedy union. At least that’s what “some guys” told me. Bytheway, never do what “some guys” tell you to do. They explained to me that it provided an exclusive double indemnity insurance policy. Like if I die twice, they pay off! More like the protection racket. So I said, that’s okay, because I practice “safe comedy”. They said I might try working on a routine that involved broken kneecaps, because comedy usually comes out of your experiences. So I decided a small policy couldn’t hurt, whereas no policy would be painful. And though funny, not worth it! These guys said I should start out playing the bars. A few drinks and they’ll laugh at anything! It helps if the audience is drinking too. Well, actually I was behind some local bars, like the Federal Pen. Bang Zoom! Right to the top!
They promised me a captive audience. Well, let me tell you, a captive audience does not a “captivated” audience make. Neither does an incarcerated one. I had heard that Al Capone had served some time here back in 1932 and the legend is very much alive. Some say his spirit still seems to lurk the dark and danky cells. I’ve been wanting to use that word - danky. Long and lanky, dark and danky, clear and clanky. Those phrases conjure up really, vivid images. Very imagerous! I asked the inn keepers, uh inn mates. Oh, maybe that’s why they looked at me strangely. I asked the striped people. There are two kinds of people. Those who correctly say striped and those who ignorantly say stripe-ped. If you're one of the ignorant ones, just add this to your list of things to ignore. Anyway, I asked the audience if they believed in re-incarnation. You remember, the whole Capone thing? A few said that they had indeed been reincarcerated for the same thing, three times! They totally missed the point, but since their point was sharper than mine, I allowed them to prevail.
Would you believe they almost closed the Federal Pen down in the 80’s? But about that time the Grant Park Zoo became Zoo Atlanta and with that backwards name they turned the whole zoo backwards. Used to be the animals were behind bars and you could walk right up and stare at them, and they, you. Now you walk past their private estate, which you pay for, and hope they might decide to come out and give you a look, but if not, tough bwana nuts. Well someone, probably one of the Candler’s, got to missing the old zoo and decided to save the prison. I thought it would make a great amusement park. It has a wonderful location. It could have a wax museum and a spook house, laundry cart roller coaster, escaped convict shooting galley etc. It’s just down the road from the zoo at the wrong end of Boulevard. The Grant Park district is now a very high dollar, renovated historical community.. My house on the other hand was novated about 8 years ago and it’s now ready for renovation. The Pen on Boulevard would be a perfect condo project. The ideal gated golf community, with beautiful green lawns. It would be Atlanta’s first Segre-gated community with more than 8 distinctly separate sections. There‘s The Play Pen, The Bull Pen. The Safety Pen, The Firing Pen, The Fountain Pen, The Straight Pen, Hair Pen, Bowling Pen you know for hair salon, daycare, ballfield, watering hole etc. It would house restaurants, an amphitheater, a world class fitness center. It has everything. It would be like the old Cabbage Town Fulton Bag and Cotton Mill just down the road - times fifty. Many people don’t know how the sport of softball originated from Cabbage Town. The mill opened in 1860 and recruited poor Irish/Scotts to live in the shotgun houses and work the mill. They soon found that dogs could not do this type of work, so they hired their masters. In 1865 a train derailed on a sharp curve, dumping a shipment of cabbages, so the residents grabbed the cabbages and began growing and cooking them which made the neighborhood reek with the smell of burning rubber. Kidding, it was the smell of boiled cabbage. The cabbage patch kids would sing:
Chorus: Boil that cabbage down,
Bake that hoecake brown.
The onliest song I ever did sing
Is "Boil That Cabbage Down."
Once I had an old gray horse;
Rode him down to town.
'Fore I got my trading done,
The buzzards had him down.
(Chorus)
Wish I had a needle and thread,
As fine as I could sew.
I'd sew that girlie to my coat,
And down the road I'd go.
(Chorus)
Wisht I had a nickel,
Wisht I had a dime,
Wisht I had a pretty little girl
To love me all the time.
Google Smothers Brothers Boil that Cabbage down for an audio/video version.
Anyway, the neighborhood kids couldn’t afford sporting goods, so they started playing baseball with a cabbage and a broomstick bat, which later became known as softball. They eventually became the Atlanta Crackers, because a real slugger, like Max Baer (renowned southern boxer, also father of Max Baer Jr, aka Jethro Bodine) could hit the cabbage so hard it would crack. By the time the opponent could field the broken cabbage, the batter would be on third base. Thus the southern delicacy, Baer Battered Cabbage.
For now, it’s home to 957 of the baddest neighbors you’d ever want to meet. If I can make these guys laugh, perhaps I could play the Monastery next time. The first thing a comedian must do is consider his audience, what they go thru, what makes them laugh, what makes them not want to kill you? They’re just regular people who are going thru a tough time. I decided perhaps my comic hero, Bob Hope had set a good example with his USO shows, so I might try to emulate him. Hi guys, this is Jerry - love what you’ve done with the place - Mienfield. Thought I’d drop in and see what the attraction is for this castle. I requested a reservation, but the warden said it was booked from ten to twenty.. Said I’d have to wait for a vacancy. As luck has it there’s a vacancy at midnight unless the governor intervenes. I unplugged the phone so Mr. 4952613, please be sure to clear your stuff out by say, nine-thirtyish.. But you should see the cab service. I hitched a ride in an FBI cab. They slowed down to 50, opened the back door and let me out at the curb. They didn’t wait around for the tip. I guess they knew the door man would take it when I come in. I heard there weren’t any females here, so I brought a few. These are wholesome broads. Oh, I should have said these are some whole broads! No missing parts! Some are relocated, but everything’s still there. Yep, these are real put together ladies. You can ask their surgeons!. A couple of them can even take their own teeth out! The rest need help. These women can actually predict the future, which is what most people predict. I used to predict the past. It’s pretty handy being able to tell people what happened even after it happened. Only one lady didn’t like her husbands past and - I think that’s her in the fifth row with the daggers tattooed on her armpits. Anyway, for you guys that have 20 or 30 to go, these gals can show you how your wives will look when you get out! Makes you want to re-up doesn’t it? They brought you some pies and cakes. They promised not to put saws in the cakes, but I believe you could cut the bars with a pie crust.
Well I’m afraid that’s about all the time I have left. I mean, if I don’t leave now, I’m really afraid that my time is up. You’ve been a real killer audience or, um, I mean it’s been nice getting to know you and I’ll write real soon.
Boy! Where are “some guys“ when you really need them??
Don’t laugh ’till you get outside the gates!
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