RIGHT OF THE LIGHTS

i WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A NEW SYNDROME. IT'S CALLED STUCK ON 'ALL CAPS SYNDROME'. No, I'm not yelling at you. That was a mistake. I'm honest, so if you see other mustakes, it's just so you know I'm not prefect! The new syndrome I discovered is called "Right Of The lights" syndrome. I first became aware of it when my eyesight began to fail. If certain driving conditions exist after dark, like darkness, narrow unlined streets, rain and oncoming traffic,I observed that I can not see the lane in which I'm driving. Since these parameters have been removed from me, I must embrace another set of assumptions.
They are:
1.The drivers of the other vehicles have normal vision.
2. They will maintain lane congruence in the interest of their own safety.
3. They are not suicidal.
4. If oncoming traffic is approaching in their own lane, then there must be a lane for me, just to the right of where they are driving.
5. It is not my time to die.

So, when these conditions occur, I simply observe the trajectory of the oncoming vehicle and direct my vehicle to the imaginary lane, to the right of their headlights. I submit the fact that I am still here writing this dribble, as certification for the validity of my syndrome. I don't know how much a syndrome creator gets paid, but I hope it's enough to hire a driver.

The syndrome does not end here, or should I explain that it did not originate from here? You see in some cases, it is a personality disorder. In early childhood it is called the "Sock Twirling Syndrome". If a small child is handed a pair of socks with instructions to put them on his/her feet, he will do one of two things. Either he will put one on the left foot and the other on the right, or he will simply sit there and twirl the socks. I was a chronic sock twirler! If there was a Sock Twirlers Anonymous Association, I by very nature, would find a way around it. A sock twirler learns how to compensate for his shortcomings (lapses in responsibility) by filling in the gaps with assumptions and observations. He may ask a classmate to repeat what the teacher said, but never the teacher. If he doesn't understand something, there is a 75% chance some other student did not either. He simply waits for them to ask the embarrassing question and pays attention this time. If no one else asks the stupid question he will compensate by making a bad grade. He is sometimes mistaken for being stupid. But because he has exercised his powers of observation, he develops a very sharp mind which is sensitive to the motives and feelings of others. This skill enables him to calculate the outcome of many various ventures, saving him much valuable time which can be spent squinting at old TV reruns. When it comes time for vision test, he will fake his way through it, because, at least in the sixties, you could be cool and stupid at the same time, but not cool and dorky. Thus he learns when there is an uncomfortable situation, he can usually steer around it, much the same as a blind adult can steer to the right of the lights. This, aversion to learning (ATL) thing, turns out to be a benefit, since many of the former teachings are no longer considered facts. Bytheway, I started out in the ATL school system so that might also explain some things.

By the way, later in life he will progress to the next phase, commonly called senility. Then, at last, he will appear to be normal.

Peace everyone! And remember, it's your abnormalities that make you special!

FIVE BURGERS AND A GUY!

"Five Burgers and a Guy", that might be the title to my next autobiography. I'm planning to write this one about myself. Is it selfish to write about yourself in an autobiography? I'm not all that impressed that it took five guys to come up with a burger. I'm more interested in a - no, that doesn't sound right. I'm not interested in guys at all! I'd be more impressed by a guy who could eat five burgers. Not that that he'd get my vote for president. Then again, seeing what we have, he might be better qualified! What might his qualifications be?

1. He would be a true American. To my knowledge, none of the ingredients in a hamburger come from foreign lands.
2. He would be politically incorrect. Like that!
3. He would be curious enough to check out the oil spill.
4. He would not be out to re-invent the wheel, or the health-scare system.
5. He would be a man who sets high goals and acheives them.
6. He would be a man you could sit down and talk to, especially if you had hamburgers. A good listener.
7. Remember Hamburger Hill? Good! Me neither!

SO...Wimpie for President!!

Other news...
MARTA has, in an effort to cut costs, decided to close restrooms in MARTA Stations. They are also planning to eliminate 9 positions. I assume two of them would be sitting and standing.

While the North American economy seems to be careening down the highway of debt, the president was allegedly quoted as saying, "America can't just stick it's foot out".

The Fourth of July is fast approaching and some see that as discriminatory saying, "We don't celebrate the "fourth" of any other month"!

Anyway, Happy Independence Day!!