NUTRITION: IS THERE A LOOPHOLE?

I guess you know about facebook. If not, for just 5 hours a day, I can solve your food, tv and floor-licking addictions. It's what we have come to know as AC, addiction consolidation. I promise, if you don't drastically cut back on your addiction of choice, you can come to my house and lick the floors, because I am seriously behind (on my floor licking).

I received a friend invitation on facebook today. I wondered how she knew me, or how I knew her, or if I wanted to know her. I think it's the Ma Kettle flight attendant from my first airline flight. My previous flights did not include attendants, or airplanes. I was interested. So, I read on..as you may want to do. Ever notice how you keep reading on, even when you're not interested. Who knows, you might find something valuable in here..like grounds for a lawsuit. Reading on, I learned that we have (she thinks) something in common..NUTRITION. Those who know me, realize that nothing could be further from or less congruent with the truth! I am very concerned about nutrition - the way that some people are very concerned about snakes. If you don't recognize it, how can you avoid it? Why, they're putting vegetables in everything now. The root word for nutrition is the Latin word nut.
Nut-someone who is so ardently devoted to something that it resembles an addiction; a tennis nut, a beach nut, a environmental nut. Alternate definition from the NTD-New Twisted Dictionary: Nut-one who would seek democratic office, also one who would vote for a democrap The suffix of nutrition comes from the word trite:Lacking power to evoke interest through overuse or repetition. NTD trite-food that would not be eaten by starving dogs. These lovers of cardboard food, believe that if you follow the eating habits of the wild turtle, you may live from 100 to 150 years.I guess from 0 to 100, you're just waiting for the taste buds to kick in. What else can a turtle do? And how wild can a turtle really be? Never saw one with a six-pack and a boom box. That would be a boom-box turtle (thrown in for humor). Don't take everything you read here seriously! I have also been thrown out for humor a few times. Unless you believe in the fictional Ninja Turtles and the national health-nut care plan, turtles live an extremely sedate life. Perhaps if they ate some red meat and ice cream they could sit up and watch tv, like normal people. DAILY TURTLE HEADLINES: Two turtles tangle at Tim/Tom's Turtle Tavern over a stripper. The two torts head-butted for a couple hours, then fell asleep, while the tart-tort crawled back into her shell. No one was hurt. Imagine a whole race where everyone has an Eeyore complex. Do you ever see two turtles in the woods? The average turtle spends about 50 years of his life looking for another turtle. Not Mr. or Mrs. Right Turtle, just another turtle. If it happens to be the wrong sex, which takes three more years to determine, then you start all over again.
Do I want to order from the Healthy Choice menu? Does a turtle have wings? I like the diet menu at Silver Coral. I eat a balanced diet there from all four food groups - steak, ribs, ham and fried chicken. And I follow the "Carnivores Rules And Practices" for good health. I eat no piece of meat bigger than my hand. It hard to get all of those pieces on my plate, but I do it! They have a Carla Dean menu there. I love the Carla-Dean Shepherds Pie using soy bean and whole grain corn curd. They start with a layer of Irish potatos.(in honor of Dan Quale)smotherd with a stick of butter, put a 1/2 cup of crushed, not pureed soy bean in a bowl. On top of the potatos and butter add a pound of ground beef (already browned), add another layer of potatos, then butter. every time you add butter, add salt - it's a rule. 1/2 pound of bacon. Sprinkle 1/4 cup of corn curd over the soy beans in a bowl. add a layer of black-eyed peas and sliced tomatos and a handful of onions and top it off with another layer of Irish potatos and butter (salt). throw the soy bean and corn curd in the trash and serve! Wal-lah!!

Bottom line is, if you want to be my friend, think of something more interesting than nutrition.

see ya in the funny papers!