I went to a wedding the other day and met someone who performs both weddings and funerals. That, got me thinking. There might be enough similarities to encourage the combination of these two social functions, thus scrimulating the ecomony. I can't use "stimulating the economy", because that has already been defined as "driving a Cadillac to the po' house" or "spending like a mouse in a cheese factory". One of the new terms I hear a lot is the word " funeralize", which I suppose is mortuary jargon for the act of standing before the friends and relatives of the decreased one, and fabricating a yarn that if transcribed onto a resume would grant employment with 95% of the Fortune 500 Companies, even though dead! I guess that would be the Fortune 475 Companies. "You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself" - Rick Nelson-Garden Party. This word, as so many, came about quite naturally, as the famed funeral director, Dedon R, Rival was composing "funeral lies" for a late local government muckety muck. When overheard ruminating about funeral lies, he quickly coined the word, funeralize and today, it is used everywhere, coffins are sold..The other new word that comes to mind is "babiotomy". It's actually an old term for the delivery of a new child. Delivery is such a silly term. It's more like retrieval, although, retrieval means to get something back. Extrication might work. But I like the old word created by our grandmothers. They would call the doctor and holler, "Come get this baby out of me". After a while the procedure was shortened to "babiotomy". The other otomies were to follow.
There needed to be a functional term for wedding, so I came up with "weddingization". The act of getting two people of equal but opposite sex to promise all manner of performances which will be carried out about as well as tomatoes grow on corn stalks. Weddings and funerals mark the passage from life to death and death to life. I'll let you decide which is which. Both may begin the same, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God...and other various and strange people who seemed, smelling the food, to have wandered in from the streets." The preacher will say "With this ring I thee wed" or, "With this ring, I pronounce you dead." The circle of life, as Elton John might say, has been completed. And Johnny Cash might say, May the circle be unbroken, by and by, Lord, by and by. Of course Johnny also sang, I fell into a burning ring of far (fire)! This ring represents eternity. The circle has no beginning or end. It is hollow in the middle, like the groom and round on the edges like the bride. The rings are designed with the idea of enabling the jewel thief (sorry when I say jewel, thief just naturally follows - like d___ Yankee) to fuel the ecomony. As long as we have extravagant weddings and luxury funerals, the Lexus and Cadillac dealers will remain in business.
And the flowers! Never was so much spent on something with so short a life expectancy! We hope the marriage will last longer than the flowers. The cadaver, we're pretty sure of, so we just go ahead and bury it. With wedding-funerals, you could split the flowers. The bridal bouquet, once having been thrown to the crowd of unwilling single females, will then be placed on the dead mans chest, yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum! For a tiny surcharge, plus shipping and handling, you can have a catapult, with a timer, to fling the funeral bouquet into the crowd. The catcher is said to be next in line. This goes surprisingly well, since there is a nice discount for the lucky recipient. If you're going anyway, why not save a little moolah.
Now get this. Have you ever looked at caskets. They are so plush! They come in designer colors and materials. You can get an eternal sleep number mattress or a memory foam mattress, although that would be overkill in my opinion, ooops! sorry! And there's my favorite, the water bed coffin. You touch the sleeping one and they begin to wiggle as though they were waking! These coffin mattresses come with a 20 year warranty, but who's checking! The slightly used mattress could then be resold to the wedding couple. Now this 200 pound 6x3x2 foot monstrosity usually cost less than the .5 ounce ring. Now granted, you'll have the ring for life, unless you drop it in the garbage disposal, it falls off in the ocean, or you put it in an envelope and send it to a Gold Broker (abbrev. Go Broke), TV advertiser to see what it's worth. Now what idiot would actually do that?? What did you just put in the mail, honey-bunches? The electric bill, an order for Frontline Flea and Tick Protection, and all our valuable gold. MY GOLD!!?? I'm calling "We Pick'm Up Funeralizers" right now?? I'll have the "Drop Dead" special with 30 minutes same as cash plan and my husband will have the dirt bath! You are about to fulfill our wedding vow - till death do we part. It's incredible! The crooks are getting so lazy, they don't even show up for work. They just mail it in. You know what, instead of me wasting gas and tearing up the environment, why don't you just mail me your stuff.
What I'm working on is a career change. I'm entering the weddingization-funeralization broker business. It will be marketed as WedFun, to lighten things up a little. I'll set up a website just like E-Hermoney and match people who are planning a wedding with those who are planning a funeral. There are some variables inherent in this venture. Say, for instance, you want to get married in 6 months. Don't really "say" it. Just consider it! Some readers! This one reader (not you) - I have to spell everything out for them, because I want no person to be left behind. Actually, I don't care if you're left behind or right behind. I just want your behind to read my blog and click on the ads, so I can make out like a jeweler, er, bandit, and start scrimulating the ecomony myself. How's that for honesty?! No, actually, I'd do this for nothing, which I practically am anyway. Ok, just suppose you want to get married in 6 months. It's a hard-sell to convince someone to expire on the matching date. Now if the incumbent party croaks within 10 days prior to, we can just keep them in the cooler with the flowers. We present that as our photo-op package. But sometimes the nearly departed won't co-operate. Of course we can use the slow-death clause where there is a $100 per day penalty for late withdrawals. To be fair, we pass on $15 per delayed-day to the wedding couple. So, if you're flexible this could be quite lucrative.
We have a variety of music options of which, some are appropriate for both occasions.
1. When the Saints Go Marching In.
2. One "Is the Loneliest Number" - Three Dog Night. It's a tear jerker.
It's just no good anymore since you went away,
Now I spend my time, just making rhythms of yesterday.
Number one is the loneliest, number one is the loneliest, Number one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.
3. I've Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates - Melanie
4. Rose Garden - Joe South (not Lynn Anderson)
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
Along with the sunshine,
There's gotta be a little rain sometimes.
When you take, you gotta give, so live and let live,
Or let go.
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
I could promise you things like big diamond rings,
But you don't find roses growin' on stalks of clover.
So you better think it over.
Well, if sweet-talkin' you could make it come true,
I would give you the world right now on a silver platter,
But what would it matter?
So smile for a while and let's be jolly:
Love shouldn't be so melancholy.
Come along and share the good times while we can.
5. Get Me to the Church on Time - from My fair Lady (I'm Getting Married in the Morning)
alt. lyrics-
I'm getting buried in the morning,
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime.
Next stop is iffy,
But I'm looking spiffy,
So get me to the church, in that coffin made of birch, Just, get me to the church on time!
On a more serious note, I want all of my readers to realize the big differences in weddings and funerals. A wedding is the beginning of a life long commitment that takes work, giving and sacrifice, but the rewards can be great! It all depends on you - and your partner. Death has a lot less variables. You must choose if you want Plan "A" or Plan B. Plan A is where you put your faith in Jesus Christ and trust that his death, burial and resurrection are all you need, to live in heaven forever in a more glorious life than can ever be described. Plan "B" would be the opposite. Plan "B" is anything and everything other than Plan "A". It can be giving money. trying to be practically perfect in every way - like Mary Poppins, starting a Mother Theresa Tribute band, shaving your head and selling flowers at the airport or going to mass eight days a week. Plan "B" always ends up the same. On earth the seemingly Godless man still enjoys the wonders of God's creation, the blue skies, green seas, birds, animals the goodness of his fellow man. But in hell. he will be sequestered away from all of that, to a world completely void of any kindness or beauty, a land of physical and mental torment. You can choose plan A, once and for all and be done with it. Just thought you should know!
Just reply here if you're interested in more details bout the wedding-funeral plans. I'll leave you with this ditty.
If - by David Gates and Bread
....If the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die
I'd spend the end with you, and when the world is through,
Then one by one, the stars would all go out,
Then you and I, would simply fly away.
I hope there's an Orange Julius Smoothie in your future soon! they're goood!
Good night everyone and if you're with your sweetie, give them a kiss for me. No, that would be weird! No, Don't! Really!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Interview With GOD - by Ken derGarten
Hello readers,
I'm not really here, well everyone is here, wherever here is for them. But I'm not there, where you think I am. I have allowed a colleague of untested mental ability to fill in with what promises to be one of the best interviews ever performed without a net. With great stealth of mind, I introduce to you, without further dieu-dieu, ad hock, pro-quo-infinitude, the amazing Ken 'derGarten!!! It's all yours Ken, for what little it's worth. Readers, please fall out of your seats, laughing or clutching your stomach and reaching for a trash can, just like you would for me!
Ken: I'm here at our Luxury Internet Studio in beautiful downtown Stockbridge, which is somewhat like the men's room at Ichabod's pump it it your own self gas station. Here with me today is God, bestselling author of the Bible. God we're glad you could be with us today!
God: We ll you know, Ken, I'm everywhere!
Ken: Yeah, you and Brittany Spears! Say God, do you have a last name, like Elvis and Cher and Hilliary?
God: No last name, since that usually designates what family you are from. Since I am the creator of all families, I have no last name. I have another name which no one so far has been able to pronounce. The southern pronunciation might be y'allway, but that ain't right either! I have given myself many other names in the Bible which describe my character, but most people just call me God.
Ken: I've always wanted to ask this question when I get to heaven: What came first, the chicken or the egg?
God: I'm actually glad you asked that question. It's a rather dumb question and I'd like to put it to rest! Having a chicken come from an egg was another original idea of mine. Of course, all of my ideas are original. Think about it though, Ken. If I just put an egg out there, who would, as Arthur Fonzerelli was fond of saying, "Sit on it"? A rhinoceros? I think not! No, I created the chicken and obviously the rooster too and the egg followed.
Ken: Tell me God, which came first, was it the book or the movie and which did you enjoy the most?
God: Since my book is a true story, a partial autobiography, if you will, naturally the book came first. The movie was a total rip-off. I did not authorize that, but I did receive a lot of publicity from it. Nevertheless, let it be said that "God owes no man".
Ken: What was your inspiration for the book? Who did you draw on or try to emulate?
God: There were three persons, Me, Myself and I, namely the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Ken: Did you write yourself into the book at all?
God: I Am the central theme. I created all of the characters and gave them all everything they had. I made everything and without Me nothing that was made, was made.
Ken: I assume you were living in Great Britain at the time you wrote the book, since the original was in the King James English. Did you walk the same streets where the Beatles trod?
God: The who?
Ken: No, I was wondering about the Beatles, although the "Who" was from around there also.
God: I don't know who the Beatles are, but I created and destroyed many plagues and if the Beatles needed taking care of, I'm sure I would have done the job! As to the language, it was originally written in two languages, Hebrew and Greek. It was translated into English much later.
Ken: It must have been difficult writing in a foreign language. But I guess it was necessary to impress David Selznick.
God: You're thinking of Gone with the Wind, but I did try to influence Cecil B DeMille as much as he would allow.
Ken: How many months did it take to write this epic world in review?
God: Oh, Ken, this book is not only about yesteryear, it's about today and rest of eternity! As to how long it took to write it, well, I used a technique that can never be duplicated. It involved inspiring 40 different men from different walks of life, living in different decades, even different centuries. All of this took about 1500 years to complete.
Ken: Good Lord! Or shall I say good You! That's a long time. Didn't the people get tired of waiting?
God: No, Ken, I released it a book or two at a time as was appropriate for that period in history. Anyway, 1500 years is like a day and a half and a day and a half is like 1500 years, to me.
Ken: Don't tell me, when Mrs. God is getting ready for date night, it probably seems like 1500 years!
God: Well truthfully Ken, the Church is my bride and I have been waiting a long time for her to get ready. And I Am prepared to wait a while longer. Patience is a virtue, which I also created.
Ken: What do you like to do, just for pleasure?
God: I really enjoy Sunday mornings when millions of people worship me and sing my praises around the world! Of course I Am sad for those who don't. On the other hand, I Am just as pleased when a small child calls my name in prayer or anyone commits an act of kindness in my name.
Ken: God, your book is selling even better than the "Harry Potter" series and "It Takes a Village Idiot" put together". How do you account for that? What do you attribute this success to?
God: I attribute the success of the "Bible" to me. There have been hundreds of songs written about it. There are colleges and churches organized throughout the world to teach my book. It contains every kind of knowledge and intrigue known to man: love, romance, deception, devotion, family, comedy, tragedy, politics, murder, wars, and rumors of wars, martyrs and a wealth of wisdom, but most of all love. It actually contains the keys to life and the secret to victory over death!
Ken: That's laying it on a little heavy, isn't it?
God: After all, Ken, unlike Al Gore, I actually did invent the Universe! I love you, Albert. You see, all of the other books came from mine.
Ken: Seriously, God, you mean Nora Roberts and Mark Twain copied you?
God: If those two write about people, then they are just writing about my creation. I created all people and their emotions. All the things people take credit for creating actually belong to Me.
Ken: Tell me, who is your personal favorite character in the Bible.
God: Ken, that would have to be you.
Ken: Oh my - goodness, now you're pulling my leg. For one thing I'm pretty sure there is no Ken or 'derGarten tribe in the Bible.
God: Oh Ken, didn't you know, you are the whosoever, as in, For I, uh-hmm, God so loved the world (that's you) that He gave His only begotten Son (Jesus), that whosoever (you again, Ken) believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. For you (Ken) are saved by grace through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast. I wrote this book for you, Ken. So you could know me.
Ken: That's very touching! Thanks for being here with us tonite and I hope to see you again soon!
God:.Again, Ken I Am everywhere, but I was glad we talked. And how about seeing me next Sunday? Or any time, anywhere, because I Am..
Ken: I know, EVERYWHERE!
I'm not really here, well everyone is here, wherever here is for them. But I'm not there, where you think I am. I have allowed a colleague of untested mental ability to fill in with what promises to be one of the best interviews ever performed without a net. With great stealth of mind, I introduce to you, without further dieu-dieu, ad hock, pro-quo-infinitude, the amazing Ken 'derGarten!!! It's all yours Ken, for what little it's worth. Readers, please fall out of your seats, laughing or clutching your stomach and reaching for a trash can, just like you would for me!
Ken: I'm here at our Luxury Internet Studio in beautiful downtown Stockbridge, which is somewhat like the men's room at Ichabod's pump it it your own self gas station. Here with me today is God, bestselling author of the Bible. God we're glad you could be with us today!
God: We ll you know, Ken, I'm everywhere!
Ken: Yeah, you and Brittany Spears! Say God, do you have a last name, like Elvis and Cher and Hilliary?
God: No last name, since that usually designates what family you are from. Since I am the creator of all families, I have no last name. I have another name which no one so far has been able to pronounce. The southern pronunciation might be y'allway, but that ain't right either! I have given myself many other names in the Bible which describe my character, but most people just call me God.
Ken: I've always wanted to ask this question when I get to heaven: What came first, the chicken or the egg?
God: I'm actually glad you asked that question. It's a rather dumb question and I'd like to put it to rest! Having a chicken come from an egg was another original idea of mine. Of course, all of my ideas are original. Think about it though, Ken. If I just put an egg out there, who would, as Arthur Fonzerelli was fond of saying, "Sit on it"? A rhinoceros? I think not! No, I created the chicken and obviously the rooster too and the egg followed.
Ken: Tell me God, which came first, was it the book or the movie and which did you enjoy the most?
God: Since my book is a true story, a partial autobiography, if you will, naturally the book came first. The movie was a total rip-off. I did not authorize that, but I did receive a lot of publicity from it. Nevertheless, let it be said that "God owes no man".
Ken: What was your inspiration for the book? Who did you draw on or try to emulate?
God: There were three persons, Me, Myself and I, namely the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Ken: Did you write yourself into the book at all?
God: I Am the central theme. I created all of the characters and gave them all everything they had. I made everything and without Me nothing that was made, was made.
Ken: I assume you were living in Great Britain at the time you wrote the book, since the original was in the King James English. Did you walk the same streets where the Beatles trod?
God: The who?
Ken: No, I was wondering about the Beatles, although the "Who" was from around there also.
God: I don't know who the Beatles are, but I created and destroyed many plagues and if the Beatles needed taking care of, I'm sure I would have done the job! As to the language, it was originally written in two languages, Hebrew and Greek. It was translated into English much later.
Ken: It must have been difficult writing in a foreign language. But I guess it was necessary to impress David Selznick.
God: You're thinking of Gone with the Wind, but I did try to influence Cecil B DeMille as much as he would allow.
Ken: How many months did it take to write this epic world in review?
God: Oh, Ken, this book is not only about yesteryear, it's about today and rest of eternity! As to how long it took to write it, well, I used a technique that can never be duplicated. It involved inspiring 40 different men from different walks of life, living in different decades, even different centuries. All of this took about 1500 years to complete.
Ken: Good Lord! Or shall I say good You! That's a long time. Didn't the people get tired of waiting?
God: No, Ken, I released it a book or two at a time as was appropriate for that period in history. Anyway, 1500 years is like a day and a half and a day and a half is like 1500 years, to me.
Ken: Don't tell me, when Mrs. God is getting ready for date night, it probably seems like 1500 years!
God: Well truthfully Ken, the Church is my bride and I have been waiting a long time for her to get ready. And I Am prepared to wait a while longer. Patience is a virtue, which I also created.
Ken: What do you like to do, just for pleasure?
God: I really enjoy Sunday mornings when millions of people worship me and sing my praises around the world! Of course I Am sad for those who don't. On the other hand, I Am just as pleased when a small child calls my name in prayer or anyone commits an act of kindness in my name.
Ken: God, your book is selling even better than the "Harry Potter" series and "It Takes a Village Idiot" put together". How do you account for that? What do you attribute this success to?
God: I attribute the success of the "Bible" to me. There have been hundreds of songs written about it. There are colleges and churches organized throughout the world to teach my book. It contains every kind of knowledge and intrigue known to man: love, romance, deception, devotion, family, comedy, tragedy, politics, murder, wars, and rumors of wars, martyrs and a wealth of wisdom, but most of all love. It actually contains the keys to life and the secret to victory over death!
Ken: That's laying it on a little heavy, isn't it?
God: After all, Ken, unlike Al Gore, I actually did invent the Universe! I love you, Albert. You see, all of the other books came from mine.
Ken: Seriously, God, you mean Nora Roberts and Mark Twain copied you?
God: If those two write about people, then they are just writing about my creation. I created all people and their emotions. All the things people take credit for creating actually belong to Me.
Ken: Tell me, who is your personal favorite character in the Bible.
God: Ken, that would have to be you.
Ken: Oh my - goodness, now you're pulling my leg. For one thing I'm pretty sure there is no Ken or 'derGarten tribe in the Bible.
God: Oh Ken, didn't you know, you are the whosoever, as in, For I, uh-hmm, God so loved the world (that's you) that He gave His only begotten Son (Jesus), that whosoever (you again, Ken) believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. For you (Ken) are saved by grace through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast. I wrote this book for you, Ken. So you could know me.
Ken: That's very touching! Thanks for being here with us tonite and I hope to see you again soon!
God:.Again, Ken I Am everywhere, but I was glad we talked. And how about seeing me next Sunday? Or any time, anywhere, because I Am..
Ken: I know, EVERYWHERE!
Monday, May 18, 2009
You Look Like The Kind Of Angel I'd Get!
Hello readers from all over the world and Stockbridge! Let the reader understand, please, that if you read this, you are my friend. It's in the contract. Please click one of the items to the right! They are designed with you in mind. In fact, this whole blog is brought to you by the items on the right. I will make it a point to try to use all of these products myself! Jets quarterback, Joe Namath wore pantie hose, so how could I do less. Go ahead, google the u-tube, but come right back! One of the earliest phrases I can remember from TV was "brought to you by". I was five or six years old and thought they were saying "brontayou" , but I knew it meant they made it possible.
So, in "It's a Wonderful Life" when Jimmy Stewart (George Bailey) tries to take his own life, he is assigned an old fuddy-duddy angel, Clarence Oddbody AS2. That's Angel Second Class - with no wings. On finding this out, George sighs, You look like the kind of angel I'd get. The little pesky memos to the side look like the kind of ads I'd get! Now you sponsors, don't get your socks in a knot!. My friends will click on your ads and they'll buy your stuff if I have to put fleas on their dogs myself. One or two of them seem to wear garlic around their necks already, what with the vampire craze that's going on. My friends have dogs and they love them. One friend even opened a doggie day care. Ok, Chow Mein, are you out there?The best personal dog story I can remember, what? Don't tell about the story-just tell the story? Ok got it. When I was a kid, about nine, we lived in an old 2-story nightmare inducing house on Capital Ave in Atlanta Ga. For you "Out Of Towners" (another great movie-the original with Jack Lemon and Sandy Dennis) Capital Ave is the main drag leading into downtown Atlanta passing Turner Field (Atlanta Braves stadium) and culminating at the state capital. The worst ghouls I could imagine at that age were skeletons. If they had put vampires in fairy tales, I would never have closed my eyes at night. Imagine Fairy Vampires! Oh Yeah, right, George Hamilton did that for us already in "Love At First Bite". Not that I'm endorsing that movie, unless it's one of the annoying items on the side bar. My Great Uncle John, Great Aunt Rose and 2nd cousin Michael lived upstairs. We were all out raking leaves in the back yard, one fall day and everyone was pitching in, except Uncle John. 2nd cousin Michael simply called him John. Well our toy fox terrier did what everyone else wished they had done. Since Uncle John was standing there, doing his tree imitation (not raking) Squeagie hiked his left rear leg and took a leak on Uncle John. My grandmother Sweatt, named the dog Squeagie, because she had his brother, who was named Weagie, so it just made sense. I'm not sure anyone else could have pulled off that little trick. Especially the ladies. Don't even think about it. Also, that's how you know if your dog is left legged or right. They always seem to raise their left leg. I guess girls are ambidextrous. That's probably why they get pregnant!
Anyway, this has got to get better. I've been doing this one days, er day, and I have only one click, and I think my wife did that! Come on people! At this rate, some day I can afford to write and chew gum at the same time.
I did have a nightmare the other night. I dreamed I was in Mayberry North Carolina, home of Andy Griffith. Floyd the barber, was on leave and I reluctantly agreed to fill in. It was actually Floyd's hair I was cutting. I guess he usually went to Mount Pilot to get his own hair cut. I had no idea where to begin, so I started in the back and kept cutting until there was practically no hair left. Then I started on the top. It was big greasy mess and the more I cut, the more there seemed to be left. I knew when Floyd saw himself in the mirror he would blow a gasket! It was just awful! Goober was standing there making snide remarks. It was just awful! I beat everything. You know that!
I have a real job to go to in a few hours, so better hang this up. I would love to take you all to lunch some day, but I don't think there is a restaurant small enough!
I have to quote Randy Disher, of Monk fame! I think he got this from Donald Rumsfield.
He who knows not and knows that he knows not, knows more than he who knows not and knows not that he knows not! Wish I'd thought of that!
It's getting flea season and your puppy deserves not to have fleas this year and you deserve not to have them in your home. Remember?? EUREKA!!! Now I know what those insane signs are in everyone's back car window! Remember..to get flea treatment for your dog! Get the stuff now and be ahead of the game!
That's a Wrap!
So, in "It's a Wonderful Life" when Jimmy Stewart (George Bailey) tries to take his own life, he is assigned an old fuddy-duddy angel, Clarence Oddbody AS2. That's Angel Second Class - with no wings. On finding this out, George sighs, You look like the kind of angel I'd get. The little pesky memos to the side look like the kind of ads I'd get! Now you sponsors, don't get your socks in a knot!. My friends will click on your ads and they'll buy your stuff if I have to put fleas on their dogs myself. One or two of them seem to wear garlic around their necks already, what with the vampire craze that's going on. My friends have dogs and they love them. One friend even opened a doggie day care. Ok, Chow Mein, are you out there?The best personal dog story I can remember, what? Don't tell about the story-just tell the story? Ok got it. When I was a kid, about nine, we lived in an old 2-story nightmare inducing house on Capital Ave in Atlanta Ga. For you "Out Of Towners" (another great movie-the original with Jack Lemon and Sandy Dennis) Capital Ave is the main drag leading into downtown Atlanta passing Turner Field (Atlanta Braves stadium) and culminating at the state capital. The worst ghouls I could imagine at that age were skeletons. If they had put vampires in fairy tales, I would never have closed my eyes at night. Imagine Fairy Vampires! Oh Yeah, right, George Hamilton did that for us already in "Love At First Bite". Not that I'm endorsing that movie, unless it's one of the annoying items on the side bar. My Great Uncle John, Great Aunt Rose and 2nd cousin Michael lived upstairs. We were all out raking leaves in the back yard, one fall day and everyone was pitching in, except Uncle John. 2nd cousin Michael simply called him John. Well our toy fox terrier did what everyone else wished they had done. Since Uncle John was standing there, doing his tree imitation (not raking) Squeagie hiked his left rear leg and took a leak on Uncle John. My grandmother Sweatt, named the dog Squeagie, because she had his brother, who was named Weagie, so it just made sense. I'm not sure anyone else could have pulled off that little trick. Especially the ladies. Don't even think about it. Also, that's how you know if your dog is left legged or right. They always seem to raise their left leg. I guess girls are ambidextrous. That's probably why they get pregnant!
Anyway, this has got to get better. I've been doing this one days, er day, and I have only one click, and I think my wife did that! Come on people! At this rate, some day I can afford to write and chew gum at the same time.
I did have a nightmare the other night. I dreamed I was in Mayberry North Carolina, home of Andy Griffith. Floyd the barber, was on leave and I reluctantly agreed to fill in. It was actually Floyd's hair I was cutting. I guess he usually went to Mount Pilot to get his own hair cut. I had no idea where to begin, so I started in the back and kept cutting until there was practically no hair left. Then I started on the top. It was big greasy mess and the more I cut, the more there seemed to be left. I knew when Floyd saw himself in the mirror he would blow a gasket! It was just awful! Goober was standing there making snide remarks. It was just awful! I beat everything. You know that!
I have a real job to go to in a few hours, so better hang this up. I would love to take you all to lunch some day, but I don't think there is a restaurant small enough!
I have to quote Randy Disher, of Monk fame! I think he got this from Donald Rumsfield.
He who knows not and knows that he knows not, knows more than he who knows not and knows not that he knows not! Wish I'd thought of that!
It's getting flea season and your puppy deserves not to have fleas this year and you deserve not to have them in your home. Remember?? EUREKA!!! Now I know what those insane signs are in everyone's back car window! Remember..to get flea treatment for your dog! Get the stuff now and be ahead of the game!
That's a Wrap!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Ever been to a Nudist's funeral?
Hello friends,
Thank you so much for reading my little thing, here. You are among the dozen or so who faithfully read this drivel, rain, sleet, hail or snow! Don't think I don't appreciate it, because if I knew who you were, I would. But as Bob Dylan said, "The times, they are a changin". No I'm not dying or going to prison, at least not tonite. Bytheway, it's very avant-garde to use the alternate spelling, t o n i t e instead of t o n i g h t. It saves one letter's worth of ink and one letter's space on the paper, thus saving trees and Cuttlefish. I'm on a "Save The Cuttlefish" kick right now. You probably know them as Sepia, which is one source for dyes, used in ink. Information to dye for! If you see more words misspelled, just assume it's my avant-garde attitude towards life in general. Rarely will it be because I can't spell. More'n likely it'll be because after 24 years of sitting at a computer, I still can't type very well. And it's because I am too blind to recognize my mistakes. Blindness runs in my family. Noses also. All those who passed on before me, lost their sight shortly after death. I have an uncle who has been blind for some time. We celebrated his 90th birthday a few weeks ago. Shortly after though, he had an unfortunate accident. He was going to the doctor and fell and broke his hip. He's going to be ok, thank you. The doctor said he probably wouldn't've been hurt so bad if he hadn't fallen on his gun which is always strapped to his side. That's something you don't see very often. A double contraction. you don't see words like wouldn't've very often. Also you don't see 90 year old blind men carrying pistols everyday, but if you're in Butch's Resturant in Jonesboro at lunchtime you might see Uncle Williard with his 89 year old wife, flirting with the waitresses and having everyone in stitches! He has a special car that flys on Wednesdays.
The reason I'm especially grateful to my loyal readers, is that there will be some changes made soon. There will be advertising on my blog. I know, you don't want ads, but most of you weren't sending me any money and this stuff aint free. Ok it is free. but still, I could be watching public TV or stomping bugs in the basement or playing solitaire by myself. The commercials are coming and I'm a little apprehensive about it. They try to match the commercials to my readers. I hope it's not Viagra or ladies underwear. Would I rather advertise Geico or Safe Auto? Depends. I hope my readers are like me and they're into exotic travel, exotic cars, exotic food and exotic pocket protectors. Whatever it is, promise me you will click on it a lot. I'm dreaming of clickomania! Because I get paid by the click. I don't know how much, but if it's like most scales, I can retire at 59! That is 2059.
If this doesn't work, I'm going into the shipping and handling business. I just ordered one of those "as seen on TV" nuclear age oven things. It' only 72 payments of $1.29 each. AND, you get 2 plasma screen TV's with it. You only pay shipping and handling. Incidentally, s & h is $429.99 each. And there's a bonus of a power cord! It comes free with 79.95 s and h. Now this thing will never go on board a ship, so who are they kidding. Ships don't run from Ohio to Georgia. When I retire, I'm moving to Ohio. I'll save a bundle on shipping and handling. Just tell me where you are. I'll come get it. That's ok. I can afford airfare, but not shipping and handling. You know what handling is. They pay two idiots to toss it back and forth a couple of times. That's why you need shipping and handling insurance.
I will probably get the Serutan ads. Spelled backwards, it's Natures. It was a laxative which naturally relives, make that relieves constipation, much like my blog. My blog will unclog your blog, guaranteed. Then there's the Geritol Elixir for that get up and go feeling! And take Sominex tonite and sleep, safe and restful sleep, sleep sleep. Then you go running for the shelter of your mothers little helper, to wake you back up. The Lawrence Whelp crowd had to be on something. How else could you listen to that music. Aren't they wonderful?! Just lovely! There's the Exlax commercial where the guy is a regular (get it) at the mobile library. The librarian is all into the comings and goings of his alimentary canal, so on his return visit, she asks, "Read any good books lately?" And there's the couple out walking when the gentlemen starts briskly picking up the pace. she says. "'We're not running a foot race, you know".
Guess I should tear up the medicine cabinet in search of that Sominex. Sominex spelled backwards is Xenimos.
Sleep well, and if you can't, try clicking sheep.
Thank you so much for reading my little thing, here. You are among the dozen or so who faithfully read this drivel, rain, sleet, hail or snow! Don't think I don't appreciate it, because if I knew who you were, I would. But as Bob Dylan said, "The times, they are a changin". No I'm not dying or going to prison, at least not tonite. Bytheway, it's very avant-garde to use the alternate spelling, t o n i t e instead of t o n i g h t. It saves one letter's worth of ink and one letter's space on the paper, thus saving trees and Cuttlefish. I'm on a "Save The Cuttlefish" kick right now. You probably know them as Sepia, which is one source for dyes, used in ink. Information to dye for! If you see more words misspelled, just assume it's my avant-garde attitude towards life in general. Rarely will it be because I can't spell. More'n likely it'll be because after 24 years of sitting at a computer, I still can't type very well. And it's because I am too blind to recognize my mistakes. Blindness runs in my family. Noses also. All those who passed on before me, lost their sight shortly after death. I have an uncle who has been blind for some time. We celebrated his 90th birthday a few weeks ago. Shortly after though, he had an unfortunate accident. He was going to the doctor and fell and broke his hip. He's going to be ok, thank you. The doctor said he probably wouldn't've been hurt so bad if he hadn't fallen on his gun which is always strapped to his side. That's something you don't see very often. A double contraction. you don't see words like wouldn't've very often. Also you don't see 90 year old blind men carrying pistols everyday, but if you're in Butch's Resturant in Jonesboro at lunchtime you might see Uncle Williard with his 89 year old wife, flirting with the waitresses and having everyone in stitches! He has a special car that flys on Wednesdays.
The reason I'm especially grateful to my loyal readers, is that there will be some changes made soon. There will be advertising on my blog. I know, you don't want ads, but most of you weren't sending me any money and this stuff aint free. Ok it is free. but still, I could be watching public TV or stomping bugs in the basement or playing solitaire by myself. The commercials are coming and I'm a little apprehensive about it. They try to match the commercials to my readers. I hope it's not Viagra or ladies underwear. Would I rather advertise Geico or Safe Auto? Depends. I hope my readers are like me and they're into exotic travel, exotic cars, exotic food and exotic pocket protectors. Whatever it is, promise me you will click on it a lot. I'm dreaming of clickomania! Because I get paid by the click. I don't know how much, but if it's like most scales, I can retire at 59! That is 2059.
If this doesn't work, I'm going into the shipping and handling business. I just ordered one of those "as seen on TV" nuclear age oven things. It' only 72 payments of $1.29 each. AND, you get 2 plasma screen TV's with it. You only pay shipping and handling. Incidentally, s & h is $429.99 each. And there's a bonus of a power cord! It comes free with 79.95 s and h. Now this thing will never go on board a ship, so who are they kidding. Ships don't run from Ohio to Georgia. When I retire, I'm moving to Ohio. I'll save a bundle on shipping and handling. Just tell me where you are. I'll come get it. That's ok. I can afford airfare, but not shipping and handling. You know what handling is. They pay two idiots to toss it back and forth a couple of times. That's why you need shipping and handling insurance.
I will probably get the Serutan ads. Spelled backwards, it's Natures. It was a laxative which naturally relives, make that relieves constipation, much like my blog. My blog will unclog your blog, guaranteed. Then there's the Geritol Elixir for that get up and go feeling! And take Sominex tonite and sleep, safe and restful sleep, sleep sleep. Then you go running for the shelter of your mothers little helper, to wake you back up. The Lawrence Whelp crowd had to be on something. How else could you listen to that music. Aren't they wonderful?! Just lovely! There's the Exlax commercial where the guy is a regular (get it) at the mobile library. The librarian is all into the comings and goings of his alimentary canal, so on his return visit, she asks, "Read any good books lately?" And there's the couple out walking when the gentlemen starts briskly picking up the pace. she says. "'We're not running a foot race, you know".
Guess I should tear up the medicine cabinet in search of that Sominex. Sominex spelled backwards is Xenimos.
Sleep well, and if you can't, try clicking sheep.
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