I went to my doctor the other day-again. You never know what he's going to say, or do. This is my Dr.TV Doctor, the one who is not an actor, but plays one in real life. I always try to anticipate how the visit will go. First I organize my fears and expectations. Then, I check with my wife to see if she has anything to add. I was concerned that he might want to do my annual physical, even though I had one last year. I knew he would bug me about my cholesterol. My smarter, prettier half suggested I ask him for diabetes medication. So now I'm fully prepared. I got a pass on the physical. He poo-pooed (medical term) the diabetes medication and doubled my blood pressure medication. I'll meet his double and half it! The last time, he gave me a prescription for cholesterol drugs, even though I told him I didn't want it. I never filled it. This time, he gave me another one. I told him I would try it. Maybe I will. Lying to a doctor is not the same as lying to a regular person is it? I asked him about a sleep study. He said, "Do you wake up a lot during the night"? I said "Yes". He said, "That's all a sleep study will tell you and you already know that. I'm writing you a prescription for Zolpedin, that's a generic for Ambien". That's enough "he said-he said" stuff. So let's forget about the snoring, cessation of breathing, lack of oxygen thing. This will help you sleep through it. So now I take half a Zolpedin every night. Soon they'll have baby Zolpedin, so I don't have to half them. Now I sleep just fine. I don't dream or toss and turn. It's nice. But am I missing something? I usually have thoughts at night. And dreams, some weird, some frightening, some funny. Did I just give up 1/4 of my life? I feel like I'm sleeping through 30 per cent of my life. (Just wanted to see if you're paying attention or just skimming) Can you sleep through sleep? Is my life so bad that I should sleep through it? Should I be taking Zolpedaytime medication? Is it worth it? Yes! It's worth 3 bucks a month to sleep good every night!
Zolpedin Blues
I've been losing sleep at night
having bad dreams of you,
I'm walking like a zombie
and don't know what to do.
So I went to my physician
and here's what he said.
You can take yourself some Zolpedin
and sleep like the dead.
So now I've got the Zolpedin Blu-ues
My night are spent alone at the Zolpedin Hotel
I zone out with little pills and as far as I can tell
I'm losing 8 hours a day 'cause my brain has turned to gel
I can't think of you at all and I guess it's just as well
I've got the Zo-oh-wo-oh-wo-oh-wo-pe-deen Baluuuuues!
ZZZZZ--ZZZZZ--ZZZZZ--ZZZZZ-ZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
W G O ?
If we had texting in the 60's, WGO would mean What's going on? If I may quote Marvin Gay, who was not. I don't know how many decades it's been since you've read a newspaper, so I thought I'd save you the trouble, and the 50 cents. This will be under the title:
NEWS YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD DO WITHOUT
This is my commentary on the Henry Nabor. Let me start by saying that this is Henry County's largest circulation newspaper, which means it is thrown in more yards than any other. This particular issue happened not to get wet. If you were to buy this paper, it would cost you 50 cents, which is why I'm not worried about getting sued. They'd have to sell a lot of papers to get enough money to sue me, unless they claimed indigence and received a court appointed lawyer. Which brings me to the headline article. Henry County is concerned, not the actual county, like the land and the trees and air space, but the people who run it, they, are concerned about the cost of providing public defenders to indigent members of society, like you and me. They, not the actual county, but the people who run the county, look out the window to see if the applicants show up in gasoline powered automobiles. If so, they qualify. If they show up on foot, then they should have been able to save up enough dough to hire a shadetree lawyer. The County, not the - you know, they have devised a more quantifiable artifice for ascertaining the true eligibility of the alleged indigent. They will visit the home of each individual. If the alleged indigent is not home they will assume the citizen is only half indigent and does not qualify for full assistance. Furthermore since all of the good attorneys are still counting their money from the O.J. trial, the only ones available are just semi-competent, so the semi-indigent should be able to afford them. It has been calculated that this new revelation is supposed to bag between $250,000 and $750,000 in savings for the public defenders budget. I love precision calculating. Like the auto mechanic who quotes, "This fan belt, excuse me serpentine belt installation will cost between $70 and $395". Guess which figure it will be closer to, before tax? I suppose they have to go to the Sistine Chapel for a serpentine belt. But one Henry County official, who shall remain nameless, and probably unreelectable, stated that the county would not likely see a drop in indigence. This may be the one actual fact in the article, since most indigence is government induced to begin with. Bytheway, whenever you see a government agency and the word "calculation" in the same sentence, you should always put a mis in front of it. That is, in front of calculation. The County, even though it is named Henry, is not gender specific, although the people who run it are reported to be. The new indigent accreditation program cost the county $74,000, which will come out of the public defender's budget. Go figure!! Wait! Not now. There's more...
INSIDE STORY: CELTIC FESTIVAL HELD IN STOCKBRIDGE!
This article caught my attention, firstly because the surrounding articles were even more boring and because of my total lack of interest in basketball, I wondered who they could get to play against the Celtics. And where would they play? Perhaps they could play in the horse arena? I heard that the proper ambiance was provided by the last event. A previous article reported that the state of the art horse arena does not meet standards for horse competition. I'm guessing that these thoroughbred equine species require more elegant accommodations. Now I am off the subject which was off the original subject. I discovered, much to my relief, that the Boston Celtics were not coming to Henry County. I discovered that these Celtics, no wait! I can't stand this! Is it Celtics, like "Seltics" or like "Keltics". It's important, to me because "Keltic" just runs through my ear like a jagged knife. O, thunderation! It is "Keltic"! Oh how I wish it were the basketball players (Seltics). All phobias aside, the Celtics are coming so that we can get in touch with our ancestors, the ones that preceded our nations founders in the old country by a few hundred years. The ones that go back 10,000 years. It is in question whether the very Earth is 10,000 years old, let alone our pre-historic European ancestors, who according to this article helped to shape and form western thought. My EYE! Yeah, I can just imagine some East Indian sitting on his camel, playing his lute and singing,
A cattle trail drunk and a hard road to travel,
That old Jack O' Diamonds is a hard card to play.
Get along, get along, get along little doggies,
Get along little doggies and be on your way.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
It's your misfortune and not of my own.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
You know that Wyoming will be your new home.
Some boys have bit this old cow trail for pleasure,
But that's where they get it most awfully wrong.
I wish I could tell you the troubles they give us,
As we go rolling these doggies along.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
It's your misfortune and not of my own.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
You know that Wyoming will be your new home.
This was written by Woodie Guthrie and was only sung by Hollywood cowboys as little Woodie had not entered this world until 1912, unless you use the carbon dating technique, which could run the clock back to 1595. At any rate, I am incapable of mentioning Woodie Guthrie without recounting the time when Bob Dylan as a young man, or whatever, came to his idol, Woodie Guthrie. He played a few of his songs for Woodie and Woodie's appraisal was this. Bob, you have a truly great voice, but you're going to have to work on those lyrics! If you didn't fall down laughing on that one, I'll assume you were already on the floor! Or, you're not that familiar with Bob Dylan. Anyway, a humorous story that has to be explained, is not humorous.
That's enough news for today.
NEWS YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD DO WITHOUT
This is my commentary on the Henry Nabor. Let me start by saying that this is Henry County's largest circulation newspaper, which means it is thrown in more yards than any other. This particular issue happened not to get wet. If you were to buy this paper, it would cost you 50 cents, which is why I'm not worried about getting sued. They'd have to sell a lot of papers to get enough money to sue me, unless they claimed indigence and received a court appointed lawyer. Which brings me to the headline article. Henry County is concerned, not the actual county, like the land and the trees and air space, but the people who run it, they, are concerned about the cost of providing public defenders to indigent members of society, like you and me. They, not the actual county, but the people who run the county, look out the window to see if the applicants show up in gasoline powered automobiles. If so, they qualify. If they show up on foot, then they should have been able to save up enough dough to hire a shadetree lawyer. The County, not the - you know, they have devised a more quantifiable artifice for ascertaining the true eligibility of the alleged indigent. They will visit the home of each individual. If the alleged indigent is not home they will assume the citizen is only half indigent and does not qualify for full assistance. Furthermore since all of the good attorneys are still counting their money from the O.J. trial, the only ones available are just semi-competent, so the semi-indigent should be able to afford them. It has been calculated that this new revelation is supposed to bag between $250,000 and $750,000 in savings for the public defenders budget. I love precision calculating. Like the auto mechanic who quotes, "This fan belt, excuse me serpentine belt installation will cost between $70 and $395". Guess which figure it will be closer to, before tax? I suppose they have to go to the Sistine Chapel for a serpentine belt. But one Henry County official, who shall remain nameless, and probably unreelectable, stated that the county would not likely see a drop in indigence. This may be the one actual fact in the article, since most indigence is government induced to begin with. Bytheway, whenever you see a government agency and the word "calculation" in the same sentence, you should always put a mis in front of it. That is, in front of calculation. The County, even though it is named Henry, is not gender specific, although the people who run it are reported to be. The new indigent accreditation program cost the county $74,000, which will come out of the public defender's budget. Go figure!! Wait! Not now. There's more...
INSIDE STORY: CELTIC FESTIVAL HELD IN STOCKBRIDGE!
This article caught my attention, firstly because the surrounding articles were even more boring and because of my total lack of interest in basketball, I wondered who they could get to play against the Celtics. And where would they play? Perhaps they could play in the horse arena? I heard that the proper ambiance was provided by the last event. A previous article reported that the state of the art horse arena does not meet standards for horse competition. I'm guessing that these thoroughbred equine species require more elegant accommodations. Now I am off the subject which was off the original subject. I discovered, much to my relief, that the Boston Celtics were not coming to Henry County. I discovered that these Celtics, no wait! I can't stand this! Is it Celtics, like "Seltics" or like "Keltics". It's important, to me because "Keltic" just runs through my ear like a jagged knife. O, thunderation! It is "Keltic"! Oh how I wish it were the basketball players (Seltics). All phobias aside, the Celtics are coming so that we can get in touch with our ancestors, the ones that preceded our nations founders in the old country by a few hundred years. The ones that go back 10,000 years. It is in question whether the very Earth is 10,000 years old, let alone our pre-historic European ancestors, who according to this article helped to shape and form western thought. My EYE! Yeah, I can just imagine some East Indian sitting on his camel, playing his lute and singing,
A cattle trail drunk and a hard road to travel,
That old Jack O' Diamonds is a hard card to play.
Get along, get along, get along little doggies,
Get along little doggies and be on your way.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
It's your misfortune and not of my own.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
You know that Wyoming will be your new home.
Some boys have bit this old cow trail for pleasure,
But that's where they get it most awfully wrong.
I wish I could tell you the troubles they give us,
As we go rolling these doggies along.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
It's your misfortune and not of my own.
Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o get along little doggies,
You know that Wyoming will be your new home.
This was written by Woodie Guthrie and was only sung by Hollywood cowboys as little Woodie had not entered this world until 1912, unless you use the carbon dating technique, which could run the clock back to 1595. At any rate, I am incapable of mentioning Woodie Guthrie without recounting the time when Bob Dylan as a young man, or whatever, came to his idol, Woodie Guthrie. He played a few of his songs for Woodie and Woodie's appraisal was this. Bob, you have a truly great voice, but you're going to have to work on those lyrics! If you didn't fall down laughing on that one, I'll assume you were already on the floor! Or, you're not that familiar with Bob Dylan. Anyway, a humorous story that has to be explained, is not humorous.
That's enough news for today.
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