Hello my friends,
You are so special for many reasons. One of them is that you appreciate how young I am! You are never more close to someone than when you share the same boat. I never thought much about that saying 'We're all in the same boat" until now. I just realized that, hopefully, my friends, and I guess, really old people are the only ones who might think I'm still young, or at least, not old. I have been on a boat with some friends before. A really huge boat, with thousands of people. All kinds of people. People like me and people not like me. But, I am also in a figurative boat and the older I get, the smaller this boat becomes. So, welcome friends to my boat! It just hit me that most of the people in the world are younger than I (am). I suppose the "am" is assumed, but I'm used to being assumed, if that's anything like being ignored. Today, I reached the intersection of Chambers Rd and McCullough Rd (in my car). I realize that my readers in Nova-Scotia will not relate to this, but I'm not a'boat to lose sleep over it. Speaking of Nova Scotia, I guess you heard about the climate change conference in Copenhagen. It galls me that mankind is so self important that he thinks he can control the climate. He will find some way to put a big dial in the sky, so we can change the temperature. But what if North Korea wants it's own dial. How many people have access to the dial? Remember in the bible when they tried to build a tower to the sky and God said, "No, you're not installing a thermostat! And so He separated the peoples. Well mankind has pretty much managed to mess it all up again. He will spend billions on the study of the control of greenhouse gases. Do you know how many hamburgers McDonald's has sold. You'd think it would be the first thing you see on their website, but I couldn't even find it. Don't worry, it's on Wikipedia. They have sold over 100 billion hamburgers, but it took over 54 years to do it How long do you think it will take our present administration, whose leader is younger than I (am) to spend 100 billion dollars? Less than 54 months! It would be better spent on the control of chicken house gases. I don't know if chickens emit methane gas like cows, but seriously, with all of the economic concerns of today, we don't need to spend money on trying to control the weather. They show video footage of all of the poor and sick people who are suffering and starving in the heat, while they twiddle their thumbs and think of ways to spend money. They're all meeting in Copenhagen now to talk about this some more. Have they heard of teleconferencing? Why couldn't they meet in Bangladesh or Nubia or Griffin? Copenhagen is the perfect place. It's romantic with all of the castles and city waterways with gondolas and the arts. It's ironic that the city where "anything goes" is so picky about the environment, but I guess that's like the pot calling the kettle black. On second thought, let's send all of the politicians there and maybe they won't come back!
Wheww! That's somehow gets me back to my original point. I was waiting to turn left from Chambers to McCullough and the oncoming vehicle hesitated, after waiting for their right of way and I mistakenly thought they were being kind, and letting me make my turn. I eased forward and received a dirty look. I apologize, I thought you were just being kind. My mistake. Southern drivers are often kind and courteous. It must have been an out-of-towner. If you ever get a chance, watch "The Out of Towners", the old Jack Lemmon/Sandy Dennis version.
My 80 year old uncle had his DNA tested to discover our ancestry, which applies to me, since his parents were my grandparents. So I'm learning about my past, which they are dating back 150,000 years. Now, the bible tells me that man was created about 8000 years ago, so I will take this info with a block of salt. Supposedly my ancestors started in Egypt, traveled thru Libya, Tunisia, Greece, Turkey, Belarus, Denmark and ended up around Norway or maybe Copenhagen. They probably became Vikings or Volga Boat Men. Thus my love for music. the rowers would sing"Volga boat men, we're Volga boat men". Anyway, I don't believe in this stuff. It's like carbon dating. I don't believe in dating twins, but if I did, it would be one at a time. It's a non-issue now, as it was then. They expect me to believe they can tell the difference between something that is 19 million years old and something that is only 7 million years old. I don't even keep up with how old the things are in my fridgerator. If it's not green or furry, I eat it. So far, so good. So I found out I belong to a haplogroup. everyone does. Haplogroup H. Also Subclave Group H. Armed with this information I can bravely challenge the world, knowing that my ancestors survived everything the world could throw at them. Judging from all of the markers they left behind, I can assume they were Vikings, Explorers, Aristocrats, world travelers, or perhaps misfits, getting kicked out of every region they settled in. They say I have many thousands of ancestors so they must have been very free with their DNA. At any rate, the more we learn about our ancestors, the more we understand how bad we are, because people are just plain bad.
Oh well, let's chalk this one up to political commentary and close with this bit of timely advice: "Cruise while you can, for tomorrow the world runs on chicken poop".
Silent night!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
All We Are Saying, Is Give Funny A Chance"
Here I am quoting, albeit, not verbatim, John Lennon. How strange!! But once again I'm trusting my precious readers to an untested source. Please walk into the mine field of comedy with Jerry Meinfield! Notice I didn't say "give it up for". It's kind of silly to give it up before you've read it.
My Very First Comedy Performance
by Jerry Meinfield
When I was first breaking into comedy...like it’s Fort Knox and you have to break into it. Imagine being so brazen as to break in to this place and try to steal everyone's laughter. When you first start out in comedy, you have to join a comedy union. At least that’s what “some guys” told me. Bytheway, never do what “some guys” tell you to do. They explained to me that it provided an exclusive double indemnity insurance policy. Like if I die twice, they pay off! More like the protection racket. So I said, that’s okay, because I practice “safe comedy”. They said I might try working on a routine that involved broken kneecaps, because comedy usually comes out of your experiences. So I decided a small policy couldn’t hurt, whereas no policy would be painful. And though funny, not worth it! These guys said I should start out playing the bars. A few drinks and they’ll laugh at anything! It helps if the audience is drinking too. Well, actually I was behind some local bars, like the Federal Pen. Bang Zoom! Right to the top!
They promised me a captive audience. Well, let me tell you, a captive audience does not a “captivated” audience make. Neither does an incarcerated one. I had heard that Al Capone had served some time here back in 1932 and the legend is very much alive. Some say his spirit still seems to lurk the dark and danky cells. I’ve been wanting to use that word - danky. Long and lanky, dark and danky, clear and clanky. Those phrases conjure up really, vivid images. Very imagerous! I asked the inn keepers, uh inn mates. Oh, maybe that’s why they looked at me strangely. I asked the striped people. There are two kinds of people. Those who correctly say striped and those who ignorantly say stripe-ped. If you're one of the ignorant ones, just add this to your list of things to ignore. Anyway, I asked the audience if they believed in re-incarnation. You remember, the whole Capone thing? A few said that they had indeed been reincarcerated for the same thing, three times! They totally missed the point, but since their point was sharper than mine, I allowed them to prevail.
Would you believe they almost closed the Federal Pen down in the 80’s? But about that time the Grant Park Zoo became Zoo Atlanta and with that backwards name they turned the whole zoo backwards. Used to be the animals were behind bars and you could walk right up and stare at them, and they, you. Now you walk past their private estate, which you pay for, and hope they might decide to come out and give you a look, but if not, tough bwana nuts. Well someone, probably one of the Candler’s, got to missing the old zoo and decided to save the prison. I thought it would make a great amusement park. It has a wonderful location. It could have a wax museum and a spook house, laundry cart roller coaster, escaped convict shooting galley etc. It’s just down the road from the zoo at the wrong end of Boulevard. The Grant Park district is now a very high dollar, renovated historical community.. My house on the other hand was novated about 8 years ago and it’s now ready for renovation. The Pen on Boulevard would be a perfect condo project. The ideal gated golf community, with beautiful green lawns. It would be Atlanta’s first Segre-gated community with more than 8 distinctly separate sections. There‘s The Play Pen, The Bull Pen. The Safety Pen, The Firing Pen, The Fountain Pen, The Straight Pen, Hair Pen, Bowling Pen you know for hair salon, daycare, ballfield, watering hole etc. It would house restaurants, an amphitheater, a world class fitness center. It has everything. It would be like the old Cabbage Town Fulton Bag and Cotton Mill just down the road - times fifty. Many people don’t know how the sport of softball originated from Cabbage Town. The mill opened in 1860 and recruited poor Irish/Scotts to live in the shotgun houses and work the mill. They soon found that dogs could not do this type of work, so they hired their masters. In 1865 a train derailed on a sharp curve, dumping a shipment of cabbages, so the residents grabbed the cabbages and began growing and cooking them which made the neighborhood reek with the smell of burning rubber. Kidding, it was the smell of boiled cabbage. The cabbage patch kids would sing:
Chorus: Boil that cabbage down,
Bake that hoecake brown.
The onliest song I ever did sing
Is "Boil That Cabbage Down."
Once I had an old gray horse;
Rode him down to town.
'Fore I got my trading done,
The buzzards had him down.
(Chorus)
Wish I had a needle and thread,
As fine as I could sew.
I'd sew that girlie to my coat,
And down the road I'd go.
(Chorus)
Wisht I had a nickel,
Wisht I had a dime,
Wisht I had a pretty little girl
To love me all the time.
Google Smothers Brothers Boil that Cabbage down for an audio/video version.
Anyway, the neighborhood kids couldn’t afford sporting goods, so they started playing baseball with a cabbage and a broomstick bat, which later became known as softball. They eventually became the Atlanta Crackers, because a real slugger, like Max Baer (renowned southern boxer, also father of Max Baer Jr, aka Jethro Bodine) could hit the cabbage so hard it would crack. By the time the opponent could field the broken cabbage, the batter would be on third base. Thus the southern delicacy, Baer Battered Cabbage.
For now, it’s home to 957 of the baddest neighbors you’d ever want to meet. If I can make these guys laugh, perhaps I could play the Monastery next time. The first thing a comedian must do is consider his audience, what they go thru, what makes them laugh, what makes them not want to kill you? They’re just regular people who are going thru a tough time. I decided perhaps my comic hero, Bob Hope had set a good example with his USO shows, so I might try to emulate him. Hi guys, this is Jerry - love what you’ve done with the place - Mienfield. Thought I’d drop in and see what the attraction is for this castle. I requested a reservation, but the warden said it was booked from ten to twenty.. Said I’d have to wait for a vacancy. As luck has it there’s a vacancy at midnight unless the governor intervenes. I unplugged the phone so Mr. 4952613, please be sure to clear your stuff out by say, nine-thirtyish.. But you should see the cab service. I hitched a ride in an FBI cab. They slowed down to 50, opened the back door and let me out at the curb. They didn’t wait around for the tip. I guess they knew the door man would take it when I come in. I heard there weren’t any females here, so I brought a few. These are wholesome broads. Oh, I should have said these are some whole broads! No missing parts! Some are relocated, but everything’s still there. Yep, these are real put together ladies. You can ask their surgeons!. A couple of them can even take their own teeth out! The rest need help. These women can actually predict the future, which is what most people predict. I used to predict the past. It’s pretty handy being able to tell people what happened even after it happened. Only one lady didn’t like her husbands past and - I think that’s her in the fifth row with the daggers tattooed on her armpits. Anyway, for you guys that have 20 or 30 to go, these gals can show you how your wives will look when you get out! Makes you want to re-up doesn’t it? They brought you some pies and cakes. They promised not to put saws in the cakes, but I believe you could cut the bars with a pie crust.
Well I’m afraid that’s about all the time I have left. I mean, if I don’t leave now, I’m really afraid that my time is up. You’ve been a real killer audience or, um, I mean it’s been nice getting to know you and I’ll write real soon.
Boy! Where are “some guys“ when you really need them??
Don’t laugh ’till you get outside the gates!
My Very First Comedy Performance
by Jerry Meinfield
When I was first breaking into comedy...like it’s Fort Knox and you have to break into it. Imagine being so brazen as to break in to this place and try to steal everyone's laughter. When you first start out in comedy, you have to join a comedy union. At least that’s what “some guys” told me. Bytheway, never do what “some guys” tell you to do. They explained to me that it provided an exclusive double indemnity insurance policy. Like if I die twice, they pay off! More like the protection racket. So I said, that’s okay, because I practice “safe comedy”. They said I might try working on a routine that involved broken kneecaps, because comedy usually comes out of your experiences. So I decided a small policy couldn’t hurt, whereas no policy would be painful. And though funny, not worth it! These guys said I should start out playing the bars. A few drinks and they’ll laugh at anything! It helps if the audience is drinking too. Well, actually I was behind some local bars, like the Federal Pen. Bang Zoom! Right to the top!
They promised me a captive audience. Well, let me tell you, a captive audience does not a “captivated” audience make. Neither does an incarcerated one. I had heard that Al Capone had served some time here back in 1932 and the legend is very much alive. Some say his spirit still seems to lurk the dark and danky cells. I’ve been wanting to use that word - danky. Long and lanky, dark and danky, clear and clanky. Those phrases conjure up really, vivid images. Very imagerous! I asked the inn keepers, uh inn mates. Oh, maybe that’s why they looked at me strangely. I asked the striped people. There are two kinds of people. Those who correctly say striped and those who ignorantly say stripe-ped. If you're one of the ignorant ones, just add this to your list of things to ignore. Anyway, I asked the audience if they believed in re-incarnation. You remember, the whole Capone thing? A few said that they had indeed been reincarcerated for the same thing, three times! They totally missed the point, but since their point was sharper than mine, I allowed them to prevail.
Would you believe they almost closed the Federal Pen down in the 80’s? But about that time the Grant Park Zoo became Zoo Atlanta and with that backwards name they turned the whole zoo backwards. Used to be the animals were behind bars and you could walk right up and stare at them, and they, you. Now you walk past their private estate, which you pay for, and hope they might decide to come out and give you a look, but if not, tough bwana nuts. Well someone, probably one of the Candler’s, got to missing the old zoo and decided to save the prison. I thought it would make a great amusement park. It has a wonderful location. It could have a wax museum and a spook house, laundry cart roller coaster, escaped convict shooting galley etc. It’s just down the road from the zoo at the wrong end of Boulevard. The Grant Park district is now a very high dollar, renovated historical community.. My house on the other hand was novated about 8 years ago and it’s now ready for renovation. The Pen on Boulevard would be a perfect condo project. The ideal gated golf community, with beautiful green lawns. It would be Atlanta’s first Segre-gated community with more than 8 distinctly separate sections. There‘s The Play Pen, The Bull Pen. The Safety Pen, The Firing Pen, The Fountain Pen, The Straight Pen, Hair Pen, Bowling Pen you know for hair salon, daycare, ballfield, watering hole etc. It would house restaurants, an amphitheater, a world class fitness center. It has everything. It would be like the old Cabbage Town Fulton Bag and Cotton Mill just down the road - times fifty. Many people don’t know how the sport of softball originated from Cabbage Town. The mill opened in 1860 and recruited poor Irish/Scotts to live in the shotgun houses and work the mill. They soon found that dogs could not do this type of work, so they hired their masters. In 1865 a train derailed on a sharp curve, dumping a shipment of cabbages, so the residents grabbed the cabbages and began growing and cooking them which made the neighborhood reek with the smell of burning rubber. Kidding, it was the smell of boiled cabbage. The cabbage patch kids would sing:
Chorus: Boil that cabbage down,
Bake that hoecake brown.
The onliest song I ever did sing
Is "Boil That Cabbage Down."
Once I had an old gray horse;
Rode him down to town.
'Fore I got my trading done,
The buzzards had him down.
(Chorus)
Wish I had a needle and thread,
As fine as I could sew.
I'd sew that girlie to my coat,
And down the road I'd go.
(Chorus)
Wisht I had a nickel,
Wisht I had a dime,
Wisht I had a pretty little girl
To love me all the time.
Google Smothers Brothers Boil that Cabbage down for an audio/video version.
Anyway, the neighborhood kids couldn’t afford sporting goods, so they started playing baseball with a cabbage and a broomstick bat, which later became known as softball. They eventually became the Atlanta Crackers, because a real slugger, like Max Baer (renowned southern boxer, also father of Max Baer Jr, aka Jethro Bodine) could hit the cabbage so hard it would crack. By the time the opponent could field the broken cabbage, the batter would be on third base. Thus the southern delicacy, Baer Battered Cabbage.
For now, it’s home to 957 of the baddest neighbors you’d ever want to meet. If I can make these guys laugh, perhaps I could play the Monastery next time. The first thing a comedian must do is consider his audience, what they go thru, what makes them laugh, what makes them not want to kill you? They’re just regular people who are going thru a tough time. I decided perhaps my comic hero, Bob Hope had set a good example with his USO shows, so I might try to emulate him. Hi guys, this is Jerry - love what you’ve done with the place - Mienfield. Thought I’d drop in and see what the attraction is for this castle. I requested a reservation, but the warden said it was booked from ten to twenty.. Said I’d have to wait for a vacancy. As luck has it there’s a vacancy at midnight unless the governor intervenes. I unplugged the phone so Mr. 4952613, please be sure to clear your stuff out by say, nine-thirtyish.. But you should see the cab service. I hitched a ride in an FBI cab. They slowed down to 50, opened the back door and let me out at the curb. They didn’t wait around for the tip. I guess they knew the door man would take it when I come in. I heard there weren’t any females here, so I brought a few. These are wholesome broads. Oh, I should have said these are some whole broads! No missing parts! Some are relocated, but everything’s still there. Yep, these are real put together ladies. You can ask their surgeons!. A couple of them can even take their own teeth out! The rest need help. These women can actually predict the future, which is what most people predict. I used to predict the past. It’s pretty handy being able to tell people what happened even after it happened. Only one lady didn’t like her husbands past and - I think that’s her in the fifth row with the daggers tattooed on her armpits. Anyway, for you guys that have 20 or 30 to go, these gals can show you how your wives will look when you get out! Makes you want to re-up doesn’t it? They brought you some pies and cakes. They promised not to put saws in the cakes, but I believe you could cut the bars with a pie crust.
Well I’m afraid that’s about all the time I have left. I mean, if I don’t leave now, I’m really afraid that my time is up. You’ve been a real killer audience or, um, I mean it’s been nice getting to know you and I’ll write real soon.
Boy! Where are “some guys“ when you really need them??
Don’t laugh ’till you get outside the gates!
Friday, November 6, 2009
WHERE DOES FUNNY GO?
What happens when funny leaves town?
Does he forget about those he once entertained?
Does he abandon us all to sorrow and pain?
When laughter's on leave, it's replaced by a frown.
What happens to us when funny leaves town?
Why did funny leave?
Was I so poor of a host, indeed?
I never meant to neglect so kind a friend.
Or to take him for granted or cast to the wind.
Oh what did I do to drive him away?
I'll have funny back and make him at home
For funny should never be let out alone.
Melodramatic..a little. It's kind of like an enema. You just have to get it out so better things can come. Where does funny go, when it gets tired? To a funny farm? Here's the thing. I haven't felt funny in a l-o-o-ng time. Not sure why, but I think it might have to do with numbers. I've been playing Sudoku which is a game involving numbers. The ones in the front of the book are easy. The one's at the end are too hard. The ones in the middle are just right! Like Goldilocks and the Three Bores. I may get stuck on a hard Sudoku for a whole week, but I can finally understand it and figure it out! No, I take it back. You don't understand math. Math just is! You can know it, but there is little to understand. No compassion in math. No humor in math itself. You can interject some humor using math. Such as, "She has the most beautiful teeth"! Both of them! Wait, both is a word instead of a number. I guess it implies a number. I understand that odd numbers are funnier than even.
Anyway, I just finished a hard Sudoku. If I look hard enough and long enough and with enough different viewpoints, I can solve it. It proves I'm not stupid. I can do math and space and order if I concentrate enough. But I've had enough of enough! And enough enough is enough! I also play Spider Solitaire. My high score is 85. Not that big of a deal, but it's been my high score for months and months. I want to beat that score and then I'll quit. The spell will be broken. I can be funny again. I want to score at least 86, proving to myself that it will never again be worth that much of my time again to try for 87. I believe for those totally lacking mathematical, spacial and organizational skills, that number games are quite valuable and even therapeutic, but alas, I've had enough!
Thank you for being patient. Had to get this out of the way to make room for some other foolishness that is starting to drivel in. I hope you will give funny a place in your life and show gloom the door!
Speaking of things I have lost, besides funny, here's a list. I recently lost a large box of Cheerios. I'm OCD about garbage. I fold my garbage and put things inside of things. I had a large empty box on the kitchen counter that I was filling with other trash to conserve space. Being that this box was empty, I had bought a new identical one. Next day i have a bowl of Cheerios out of the new box and then proceed to throw it in the garbage, outside. Next day, when I want Cheerios, all I have is folded trash! Wouldn't it be nice if they put something in Cheerios that would actually cheer you up? Like dollar bills or a mind altering substance?
The worst thing I lost was my grandfathers Elgin pocket watch. Of all things I took it on a swimming trip with the bus ministry and it fell out of the hole in my cut-offs.
I lose sleep all of the time
I lost (sold) my 69 Camaro. It made sense at the time. Still does. it's one of those mature things you wish you didn't have to do. Did you know the word Camaro, is not even in spellcheck. What's the world coming to? Also spellcheck is not in spellcheck.
Lost my hair. I saw that one coming or should I say going. My mothers brothers were all bald. By the way, my uncle just did a DNA test, so I'm going to find out who's responsible. My ancestors were probably Monks. THAT'S why I'm so quiet! In those days, if you were bald they took you outside the city and put you in a commune, so all you could do was chant and pray.
I lost the Peachtree Road Race..11 times. I finally gave up
The worst thing I ever lost was my mom, but God has her, so it's ok. She was the best!
Love, laughter and smiles to you - Good night!
. . .
Does he forget about those he once entertained?
Does he abandon us all to sorrow and pain?
When laughter's on leave, it's replaced by a frown.
What happens to us when funny leaves town?
Why did funny leave?
Was I so poor of a host, indeed?
I never meant to neglect so kind a friend.
Or to take him for granted or cast to the wind.
Oh what did I do to drive him away?
I'll have funny back and make him at home
For funny should never be let out alone.
Melodramatic..a little. It's kind of like an enema. You just have to get it out so better things can come. Where does funny go, when it gets tired? To a funny farm? Here's the thing. I haven't felt funny in a l-o-o-ng time. Not sure why, but I think it might have to do with numbers. I've been playing Sudoku which is a game involving numbers. The ones in the front of the book are easy. The one's at the end are too hard. The ones in the middle are just right! Like Goldilocks and the Three Bores. I may get stuck on a hard Sudoku for a whole week, but I can finally understand it and figure it out! No, I take it back. You don't understand math. Math just is! You can know it, but there is little to understand. No compassion in math. No humor in math itself. You can interject some humor using math. Such as, "She has the most beautiful teeth"! Both of them! Wait, both is a word instead of a number. I guess it implies a number. I understand that odd numbers are funnier than even.
Anyway, I just finished a hard Sudoku. If I look hard enough and long enough and with enough different viewpoints, I can solve it. It proves I'm not stupid. I can do math and space and order if I concentrate enough. But I've had enough of enough! And enough enough is enough! I also play Spider Solitaire. My high score is 85. Not that big of a deal, but it's been my high score for months and months. I want to beat that score and then I'll quit. The spell will be broken. I can be funny again. I want to score at least 86, proving to myself that it will never again be worth that much of my time again to try for 87. I believe for those totally lacking mathematical, spacial and organizational skills, that number games are quite valuable and even therapeutic, but alas, I've had enough!
Thank you for being patient. Had to get this out of the way to make room for some other foolishness that is starting to drivel in. I hope you will give funny a place in your life and show gloom the door!
Speaking of things I have lost, besides funny, here's a list. I recently lost a large box of Cheerios. I'm OCD about garbage. I fold my garbage and put things inside of things. I had a large empty box on the kitchen counter that I was filling with other trash to conserve space. Being that this box was empty, I had bought a new identical one. Next day i have a bowl of Cheerios out of the new box and then proceed to throw it in the garbage, outside. Next day, when I want Cheerios, all I have is folded trash! Wouldn't it be nice if they put something in Cheerios that would actually cheer you up? Like dollar bills or a mind altering substance?
The worst thing I lost was my grandfathers Elgin pocket watch. Of all things I took it on a swimming trip with the bus ministry and it fell out of the hole in my cut-offs.
I lose sleep all of the time
I lost (sold) my 69 Camaro. It made sense at the time. Still does. it's one of those mature things you wish you didn't have to do. Did you know the word Camaro, is not even in spellcheck. What's the world coming to? Also spellcheck is not in spellcheck.
Lost my hair. I saw that one coming or should I say going. My mothers brothers were all bald. By the way, my uncle just did a DNA test, so I'm going to find out who's responsible. My ancestors were probably Monks. THAT'S why I'm so quiet! In those days, if you were bald they took you outside the city and put you in a commune, so all you could do was chant and pray.
I lost the Peachtree Road Race..11 times. I finally gave up
The worst thing I ever lost was my mom, but God has her, so it's ok. She was the best!
Love, laughter and smiles to you - Good night!
. . .
Saturday, October 3, 2009
LESS THAN ZERO!
Hello loyal subjects,
I write a lot about not sleeping, but that's what I do a lot - not sleep!. Last night I couldn't get to sleep at all (Fifth Dimension). Those guys are getting on in years. I heard that some of them are still living and performing under the name Fifth Dementia. The rest retreated into an underground group. Sometimes I can't get to sleep, but often, I can get to sleep, but I have night mares, which are different than day mares, because they don't eat or poop. But they are way more scary. It's from the limited TV viewing. All we get are shows about hunting down perpetrators of violent crime. They always include gruesome scenes and contain very little humor. I am glad that the all-Michael-all the time has stopped.
Well last night I turned on the tube. and found the peanut channel. It was sponsored by the FBI so I thought it might be cool! Until I realized that stands for FARM BUREAU of IOWA. What else did I have to do. I could clean the frozen coke out of our freezer, but that would only bring more night mares. Anyway they were touting the Three Day Peanut Tour. I've seen peanut fields before and they are simply captivating! For about 19 minutes, then you're ready to get back to the pool. Then they visited AA. The Asparagus Association. It's a co-dependent society for people with asparagus disorders. Those afflicted with this condition develop fixations on asparagus, ranging from only eating foods containing asparagus to actually building a life sized asparagus doll and legally marrying this Asparadoll. Research is being done to find a cure, so if y9u get a solicitation. from the Asparagus Society, please contribute. I'm working on a bill to prevent the growing of and the selling of asparagus for human or animal consumption. We must do what we can to free these people. I'm not suggesting asparacide. What I'm saying is that we need to find other uses, like asparagus paper, asparagus fired electricity plants, asparagus clothing, fertilizer, ornamental plants etc. The government should penalize restaurants that serve asparagus. Or is the plural asparagai?
The other thing on TV besides not Leno - by the way, Leno needs to be on late night TV. His show is too dirty for 10:00 o'clock. Wait a minute, 95% of daytime tv needs to be on late night tv and then they need to play the National Anthem at 11:00 and go off the air. There, that's my sermon for the day! The other thing you see a lot of is weight loss shows. There is one now, rightly named "The Insanity Workout". You don't get any pills or diet shakes with this one. You don't get any exercise equipment. Not even a magic girdle! All you get is 10 DVD's! NEWS BULLETIN!! No one will ever get past the 3rd dvd. On DVD*1 this guy just stands there and jumps up and down. On DVD#2 he does jumping jacks-really fast!. Try to keep up! DVD#3 - running in place. DVD#4 - running in circles. DVD#5 - low kicks. DVD#6 - high kicks. DVD#7- kicking your own butt. DVD#8 Swinging your fist at the guy doing one arm hand clapping, twirling push ups. DVD#9 - throwing the other 8 DVD's in the trash. DVD#10 - legal gobbledygook about how you can't sue the producers, actors, musicians, writers, camera man or anyone who has ever heard of the Insanity Workout.
Oh, the "Less than Zero" thing? I'm now addicted to Coke Zero. and didn't have my quota the last three days so maybe I'm a little down. Too depressed to sleep. Not seriously depressed and not quite in the coma stage. If it were so, I could get help, but I'm just in a little funk. It's like if you had pneumonia you could get cured, but you just have to suffer thru the common cold. What I need is a defunkyfier. If you see an infomercial for one, let me know.
I actually wrote this a month ago, but it didn't seem entertaining enough. But after a 7 week dry spell, I read it again and decided there might be one person or maybe one-half person who would shudder, almost stifle a laugh before going to watch late night tv.
Good night all.
I write a lot about not sleeping, but that's what I do a lot - not sleep!. Last night I couldn't get to sleep at all (Fifth Dimension). Those guys are getting on in years. I heard that some of them are still living and performing under the name Fifth Dementia. The rest retreated into an underground group. Sometimes I can't get to sleep, but often, I can get to sleep, but I have night mares, which are different than day mares, because they don't eat or poop. But they are way more scary. It's from the limited TV viewing. All we get are shows about hunting down perpetrators of violent crime. They always include gruesome scenes and contain very little humor. I am glad that the all-Michael-all the time has stopped.
Well last night I turned on the tube. and found the peanut channel. It was sponsored by the FBI so I thought it might be cool! Until I realized that stands for FARM BUREAU of IOWA. What else did I have to do. I could clean the frozen coke out of our freezer, but that would only bring more night mares. Anyway they were touting the Three Day Peanut Tour. I've seen peanut fields before and they are simply captivating! For about 19 minutes, then you're ready to get back to the pool. Then they visited AA. The Asparagus Association. It's a co-dependent society for people with asparagus disorders. Those afflicted with this condition develop fixations on asparagus, ranging from only eating foods containing asparagus to actually building a life sized asparagus doll and legally marrying this Asparadoll. Research is being done to find a cure, so if y9u get a solicitation. from the Asparagus Society, please contribute. I'm working on a bill to prevent the growing of and the selling of asparagus for human or animal consumption. We must do what we can to free these people. I'm not suggesting asparacide. What I'm saying is that we need to find other uses, like asparagus paper, asparagus fired electricity plants, asparagus clothing, fertilizer, ornamental plants etc. The government should penalize restaurants that serve asparagus. Or is the plural asparagai?
The other thing on TV besides not Leno - by the way, Leno needs to be on late night TV. His show is too dirty for 10:00 o'clock. Wait a minute, 95% of daytime tv needs to be on late night tv and then they need to play the National Anthem at 11:00 and go off the air. There, that's my sermon for the day! The other thing you see a lot of is weight loss shows. There is one now, rightly named "The Insanity Workout". You don't get any pills or diet shakes with this one. You don't get any exercise equipment. Not even a magic girdle! All you get is 10 DVD's! NEWS BULLETIN!! No one will ever get past the 3rd dvd. On DVD*1 this guy just stands there and jumps up and down. On DVD#2 he does jumping jacks-really fast!. Try to keep up! DVD#3 - running in place. DVD#4 - running in circles. DVD#5 - low kicks. DVD#6 - high kicks. DVD#7- kicking your own butt. DVD#8 Swinging your fist at the guy doing one arm hand clapping, twirling push ups. DVD#9 - throwing the other 8 DVD's in the trash. DVD#10 - legal gobbledygook about how you can't sue the producers, actors, musicians, writers, camera man or anyone who has ever heard of the Insanity Workout.
Oh, the "Less than Zero" thing? I'm now addicted to Coke Zero. and didn't have my quota the last three days so maybe I'm a little down. Too depressed to sleep. Not seriously depressed and not quite in the coma stage. If it were so, I could get help, but I'm just in a little funk. It's like if you had pneumonia you could get cured, but you just have to suffer thru the common cold. What I need is a defunkyfier. If you see an infomercial for one, let me know.
I actually wrote this a month ago, but it didn't seem entertaining enough. But after a 7 week dry spell, I read it again and decided there might be one person or maybe one-half person who would shudder, almost stifle a laugh before going to watch late night tv.
Good night all.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Superb Owl
Hello Dear friends and those who will read just about anything!
Got bored and went to bed early, like 8 o'clock or something. then got up again at 12:30 or 1:00. Ate some stuff I shouldn't have and tried to find something on TV besides red carpet reviews. Then I remembered something I had seen at work yestertoday. That's a new word. "Yestertoday" means the day that we called today, yesterday. it simplifies things. And I get to collect royalties every time you use it. So, feel free! It was something about the Superb Owl. It's an exclusive restaurant that is only open one Sunday a year in January. I've never been, but I think I'd like to go. I understand you have to get tickets and they're 8000 bucks or so a piece, so my wife would have to win the lottery. I don't play because I really don't like to gamble. About as the riskiest thing I do is open a banana. That's it! I like the excitement - the danger and anticipation! You never know what's going to be in there until you open it! So far I'm batting 10,000, but one day my luck will run out. I just hope it's not something like a maggot farm or dead fish!
Anyway, this SuperB owl sounds like an exhilarating experience!! The restaurant holds about 100,000 people, so only the elite can get in. They sit on hard plastic chairs and you just hold your plate in your lap. It looks like most people order hot dogs and pizza. Must be some great hot dogs! And they run out of coke early, 'cause a lot of people are drinking beer. Lot's of it! I don't know who actually gets to eat the SuperB owl. I'm guessing they only have one, since you never see it. in fact it's a very covert operation. You never, EVER, hear anyone speak of it. But if you ask about it they always say HOO? so the word is spreading. They have to hold this secret dinner in a different place every year to keep from being caught. The owl is a protected species, but I can't see that killing one a year should be such a big deal. Besides, can you see Elmer Fudd out there in the dark twying to shoot an owl? I'm gonna twick that cwazy owl. Oh Mr. Owl, come out of that twee and see my wabbit! There are some owls in the woods behind my house. You might say that I'm an owl-owner, but not to loud. You see, these are bad owls. At night, they make these hideous sounds! There are at least two of them. One makes a sound like a war cry and the other makes the sound of a wounded animal. Once, about midnight I went walking down the street to see if I could ascertain where the owl screams might be coming from. A neighbor was standing on the hood of his truck and his wife was at the bathroom window. They were visibly shaken, not knowing what these screams were. If you've ever read Frank Perretti's books you would be too. It sounds like some monsterous demon devouring it's prey. We should catch this thing and grill it for dinner. I guess you would have to call it "burning the midnight owl". At the SuberB owl, you have a long wait time, so they put on a little sporting event. What it was, was football. Andy Griffith can explain this much better than I. When all the players get tired and have to go in for nap time, somebody comes out and sings. Some of the performers have died after doing this, so if they ask me, I think I'll decline. Most of these places have a huge TV hanging from the ceiling, but they usually just show whatever is going on in the yard below. Seems like they could show a movie, "North By Northwest" is good on the big screen. "Lil Abner" was always a crowd pleaser too! They also have these young ladies in little costumes shouting things to keep the crowd moving. things like, "Hold that line" and "Push 'em Back" or "Go Dawgs", I guess since they ran out of Owl..
We did try to get a preview of the "SuperB owl" by going to the "Owl Cafe" in Apalachicola, but it was a rip off. Turned out, they specialized in seafood. Closest thing I saw to owl was the painting of the proprietor, with the big round eyes and bushy eyebrows. I figured owl would not actually be on the menu, so I asked the waitress if I could secretly order the "owl" off the menu. We could just call it "Peacock" for code, but she insisted that no such item was ever cooked there. She probably thought I was a secret agent, because I was dressed like all the tourist in town, which made it obvious that I was trying to blend in. But that's my normal M.O. I'm like Wally Cox. He used to say he has a face that looks like it's already been waited on. He quit saying that after he died. A little known fact is that little diminutive, shy Wally Cox used to run around with Marlon Brando. Come to think of it, Marlon and Wally sounds like a couple of nerds. Anyway, at the Owl Cafe, I ordered Jumbo Shrimp, which is like ordering Tiny Whale. It's an oxymoron. They were the largest shrimp I have seen anywhere and they were superb! They must have been on steroids! This was supposed to be elegant dining and I guess it's as close as you get in the "Oyster Capital of the World". I guess they could get away with saying that because no one else knows they're there. Two things I didn't like. They had real cloth tablecloths. and then on top of that, they had paper tablecloths! A plain table would have been fine. That's like the plastic slipcovers from the sixties, for your couches. Could you imagine on a sweltering, hot July day coming in from cutting the grass, shirtless (men only) getting a tall glass of sweet iced tea, with lemon and laying down on that plastic couch. Ugh, sticky, yuck! Plastic doesn't absorb! You just lay there in your sweat!! Women, please just don't even think of this at all. It's a man thing! Oh, by the way, it was my birthday the other day. Thanks, it was really nothing. I have one every year, whether I plan it or not. It's automatic. My wife wanted me to get one of those GT Worx weed-eater/yard edger/shoe shiner/milk-shake-maker things. I was hesitant, because I already have two weedeater things, a cordless and a corded one. They are both crippled and don't do a very good job, but appropriately, neither do I, so it's equitable. But, she threw in a bonus!! As part of the gift, she will do the edging for me! I thought this over with a serious wrinkle. I had to make it not look like a slam dunk! YESS!! Baby, would you like to get me a new lawn mower for Christmas!? Since then, I've been tasting my food in tiny bites, just to be safe. This thing does it all! It edges! It trims weeds. of course I could just kill the weeds instead of manicuring them. It cleans my whitewalls. It whistles at the joggers running by. Let's hope it does all of this in 20 to 30 minutes, because that's how long the battery last. After you properly break it in, so as to get the maximum run time. Of course, you can order extra rechargeable batteries for 15 dollars a piece. Just pay shipping and handling. Shipping and handling is generally about 300% of the cost of the item being shipped. So that's gonna be about 60 bucks. I guess I can throw away the duck taped trimmer now. I cooked fish the other day. It had been in the freezer for about 13 months. This was huge pieces of fish. I had to cut them before I could deep fry them. Yes, they were delish! They were a little hard to cut, so I turned them over and they appeared to be covered with silver duck tape! Then I realized that was the skin. I'm thinking of developing a new product. An adhesive roll called "Fish Tape"! Anyway,it was either Mackerel or Amberjack. Holy Mackerel! Had to see where the term Holy Mackerel comes from. I remember it from the TV days of Amos and Andy. Kingfish used to say it a lot. This may be where it started. It was a take off on holy cow which was considered sacrilegious. For this I am sorry. I particularly don't like what they say today. It's disgusting. The other place this was overdone, was the Batman Tv series. It could be Holy fish sticks or holy fruit of the loom or anything.
In case your still wondering, the second thing I didn't like, was instead of a nice iceberg lettuce salad, they had this leafy stuff. And no real dressing, just this homemade stuff, which did not include Thousand Island. if I had a cooking school, the first thing I would teach my pupils is that clientele who prefer thousand island salad dressing have sensitive taste buds and usually can not tolerate other dressings. If necessary, go to any grocery store or 7/11 and buy a bottle.
Oh well, I'm not working tomorrow, but I still have to get up. So good night sweet friends! Hope the owl doesn't disturb your sleep and may you never run out of thousand islands!
(isn't that why they call it "1000" islands?
Got bored and went to bed early, like 8 o'clock or something. then got up again at 12:30 or 1:00. Ate some stuff I shouldn't have and tried to find something on TV besides red carpet reviews. Then I remembered something I had seen at work yestertoday. That's a new word. "Yestertoday" means the day that we called today, yesterday. it simplifies things. And I get to collect royalties every time you use it. So, feel free! It was something about the Superb Owl. It's an exclusive restaurant that is only open one Sunday a year in January. I've never been, but I think I'd like to go. I understand you have to get tickets and they're 8000 bucks or so a piece, so my wife would have to win the lottery. I don't play because I really don't like to gamble. About as the riskiest thing I do is open a banana. That's it! I like the excitement - the danger and anticipation! You never know what's going to be in there until you open it! So far I'm batting 10,000, but one day my luck will run out. I just hope it's not something like a maggot farm or dead fish!
Anyway, this SuperB owl sounds like an exhilarating experience!! The restaurant holds about 100,000 people, so only the elite can get in. They sit on hard plastic chairs and you just hold your plate in your lap. It looks like most people order hot dogs and pizza. Must be some great hot dogs! And they run out of coke early, 'cause a lot of people are drinking beer. Lot's of it! I don't know who actually gets to eat the SuperB owl. I'm guessing they only have one, since you never see it. in fact it's a very covert operation. You never, EVER, hear anyone speak of it. But if you ask about it they always say HOO? so the word is spreading. They have to hold this secret dinner in a different place every year to keep from being caught. The owl is a protected species, but I can't see that killing one a year should be such a big deal. Besides, can you see Elmer Fudd out there in the dark twying to shoot an owl? I'm gonna twick that cwazy owl. Oh Mr. Owl, come out of that twee and see my wabbit! There are some owls in the woods behind my house. You might say that I'm an owl-owner, but not to loud. You see, these are bad owls. At night, they make these hideous sounds! There are at least two of them. One makes a sound like a war cry and the other makes the sound of a wounded animal. Once, about midnight I went walking down the street to see if I could ascertain where the owl screams might be coming from. A neighbor was standing on the hood of his truck and his wife was at the bathroom window. They were visibly shaken, not knowing what these screams were. If you've ever read Frank Perretti's books you would be too. It sounds like some monsterous demon devouring it's prey. We should catch this thing and grill it for dinner. I guess you would have to call it "burning the midnight owl". At the SuberB owl, you have a long wait time, so they put on a little sporting event. What it was, was football. Andy Griffith can explain this much better than I. When all the players get tired and have to go in for nap time, somebody comes out and sings. Some of the performers have died after doing this, so if they ask me, I think I'll decline. Most of these places have a huge TV hanging from the ceiling, but they usually just show whatever is going on in the yard below. Seems like they could show a movie, "North By Northwest" is good on the big screen. "Lil Abner" was always a crowd pleaser too! They also have these young ladies in little costumes shouting things to keep the crowd moving. things like, "Hold that line" and "Push 'em Back" or "Go Dawgs", I guess since they ran out of Owl..
We did try to get a preview of the "SuperB owl" by going to the "Owl Cafe" in Apalachicola, but it was a rip off. Turned out, they specialized in seafood. Closest thing I saw to owl was the painting of the proprietor, with the big round eyes and bushy eyebrows. I figured owl would not actually be on the menu, so I asked the waitress if I could secretly order the "owl" off the menu. We could just call it "Peacock" for code, but she insisted that no such item was ever cooked there. She probably thought I was a secret agent, because I was dressed like all the tourist in town, which made it obvious that I was trying to blend in. But that's my normal M.O. I'm like Wally Cox. He used to say he has a face that looks like it's already been waited on. He quit saying that after he died. A little known fact is that little diminutive, shy Wally Cox used to run around with Marlon Brando. Come to think of it, Marlon and Wally sounds like a couple of nerds. Anyway, at the Owl Cafe, I ordered Jumbo Shrimp, which is like ordering Tiny Whale. It's an oxymoron. They were the largest shrimp I have seen anywhere and they were superb! They must have been on steroids! This was supposed to be elegant dining and I guess it's as close as you get in the "Oyster Capital of the World". I guess they could get away with saying that because no one else knows they're there. Two things I didn't like. They had real cloth tablecloths. and then on top of that, they had paper tablecloths! A plain table would have been fine. That's like the plastic slipcovers from the sixties, for your couches. Could you imagine on a sweltering, hot July day coming in from cutting the grass, shirtless (men only) getting a tall glass of sweet iced tea, with lemon and laying down on that plastic couch. Ugh, sticky, yuck! Plastic doesn't absorb! You just lay there in your sweat!! Women, please just don't even think of this at all. It's a man thing! Oh, by the way, it was my birthday the other day. Thanks, it was really nothing. I have one every year, whether I plan it or not. It's automatic. My wife wanted me to get one of those GT Worx weed-eater/yard edger/shoe shiner/milk-shake-maker things. I was hesitant, because I already have two weedeater things, a cordless and a corded one. They are both crippled and don't do a very good job, but appropriately, neither do I, so it's equitable. But, she threw in a bonus!! As part of the gift, she will do the edging for me! I thought this over with a serious wrinkle. I had to make it not look like a slam dunk! YESS!! Baby, would you like to get me a new lawn mower for Christmas!? Since then, I've been tasting my food in tiny bites, just to be safe. This thing does it all! It edges! It trims weeds. of course I could just kill the weeds instead of manicuring them. It cleans my whitewalls. It whistles at the joggers running by. Let's hope it does all of this in 20 to 30 minutes, because that's how long the battery last. After you properly break it in, so as to get the maximum run time. Of course, you can order extra rechargeable batteries for 15 dollars a piece. Just pay shipping and handling. Shipping and handling is generally about 300% of the cost of the item being shipped. So that's gonna be about 60 bucks. I guess I can throw away the duck taped trimmer now. I cooked fish the other day. It had been in the freezer for about 13 months. This was huge pieces of fish. I had to cut them before I could deep fry them. Yes, they were delish! They were a little hard to cut, so I turned them over and they appeared to be covered with silver duck tape! Then I realized that was the skin. I'm thinking of developing a new product. An adhesive roll called "Fish Tape"! Anyway,it was either Mackerel or Amberjack. Holy Mackerel! Had to see where the term Holy Mackerel comes from. I remember it from the TV days of Amos and Andy. Kingfish used to say it a lot. This may be where it started. It was a take off on holy cow which was considered sacrilegious. For this I am sorry. I particularly don't like what they say today. It's disgusting. The other place this was overdone, was the Batman Tv series. It could be Holy fish sticks or holy fruit of the loom or anything.
In case your still wondering, the second thing I didn't like, was instead of a nice iceberg lettuce salad, they had this leafy stuff. And no real dressing, just this homemade stuff, which did not include Thousand Island. if I had a cooking school, the first thing I would teach my pupils is that clientele who prefer thousand island salad dressing have sensitive taste buds and usually can not tolerate other dressings. If necessary, go to any grocery store or 7/11 and buy a bottle.
Oh well, I'm not working tomorrow, but I still have to get up. So good night sweet friends! Hope the owl doesn't disturb your sleep and may you never run out of thousand islands!
(isn't that why they call it "1000" islands?
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Docktor Redknec - Words To The Wise-Or Notso
Docktor Redknec is syndicated in 3 newspapers across the continent. ( literally 3 newspapers, one to his mother, Birth-a Redknec and her sister, Aunt Bright and his psychiatrist, Dr. Y. Usso Strange. Docktor Redknec graduated with honors (that was his roommate, Malcomb Honors} at Yell University. His docktoral thesis was based on the theory that if you say something loud enough and often enough, it will be accepted as truth.
Eliminate Elimination
Man has been living in a backward state for centuries and I'm not speaking only of Alabama. Our drugstore shelves and medicine cabinets are fully stocked with an array of remedies and potions, designed to soothe the gastric system and to relieve pain due to constipation, diarrhea and general irregularity. Quite frankly, we are working on the wrong end. The primary cause of the ailments we suffer is not the inefficiency of our inner workings, but the things we stuff down our throats! The theory of immaculate digestion is not supported by scripture or medical journals, Food and Drug Administration or Al Gore, but we're going with it anyway. The theory is this, that before the fall of man, we were living in a perfect world where all foods were clean and acceptable, except for the fruit of this one tree. It would seem plausible, that in this perfect world where all substances are pure and approved for consumption, that human waste, or for that matter, animal waste would be non-existent. After the fall the food had to be coaxed out of the soil thru much sweat and toil and the food was no longer a perfect match for our digestive systems.We also began eating animals. Thus, had a new one not been cut for us, we would have bloated up and exploded from the consumption of foods containing impurities and poisons which our bodies could not throw off. This theory has tentatively been embraced by the National Health-Scare Plan, which states that unnecessary and self inflicted conditions will be looked down upon and generally ignored.
It would now behoove us to eat foods which our bodies can efficiently handle. Our kidneys, livers, appendixes, intestines, colons, and stomachs are over-burdened from the stress of processing and eliminating the excesses we force on them. Why do you think human waste is so distasteful as to use it's slang as curse words. It is quite literally part of the curse! We need to start consuming herbs, vitamins, proteins, fruit juices, vegetable juices. Our foods must be predigested. The job of your stomach is to break down food to the point that it can be absorbed by the body to be used as nourishment and to hold up our pants. The only reason your stomach is necessary is that you stuff food down there that is not fit for consumption. The stomach must then produce gastric juices that would make coca-cola seem like a saline solution. Which is, of course where acid reflux comes from. The reason this food must be broken down is because some of it is not real food, but packaging which can not be absorbed by the body. We need to break it down before stuffing it down our throats. Then the digestive tract will shrivel up from lack of activity and you will have to get suspenders.
Talk about stimulating the economy. There are lobbyist that do not want this teaching to get out. Because no one will need toilets, toilet paper and cleaning products, stomach remedies, medical treatment for intestinal problems, colon problems etc. Not to mention the restaurants and grocery stores whose doors would be closed. The insurance companies are dead against it. So, I must be right!
I have withdrawn from my lucrative practice in order to further develop a line of stomach elimination health-scare products, that will help to eradicate the garbage in-garbage-out mentality and propel America to once again become a nation that does not travel on it's belly.
By the way, do we really need teeth??
Docktor Redknec's screwball theories are widely recognized as the ravings of a lunatic wannabe, as he has not yet attained the high level of lunatic. There is a movement (excuse the slang) about, to run him for the vacated Senate seat in Massachusetts. It was previously thought that no one could fill those shoes, but we belive Docktor Rednek can.
Eliminate Elimination
Man has been living in a backward state for centuries and I'm not speaking only of Alabama. Our drugstore shelves and medicine cabinets are fully stocked with an array of remedies and potions, designed to soothe the gastric system and to relieve pain due to constipation, diarrhea and general irregularity. Quite frankly, we are working on the wrong end. The primary cause of the ailments we suffer is not the inefficiency of our inner workings, but the things we stuff down our throats! The theory of immaculate digestion is not supported by scripture or medical journals, Food and Drug Administration or Al Gore, but we're going with it anyway. The theory is this, that before the fall of man, we were living in a perfect world where all foods were clean and acceptable, except for the fruit of this one tree. It would seem plausible, that in this perfect world where all substances are pure and approved for consumption, that human waste, or for that matter, animal waste would be non-existent. After the fall the food had to be coaxed out of the soil thru much sweat and toil and the food was no longer a perfect match for our digestive systems.We also began eating animals. Thus, had a new one not been cut for us, we would have bloated up and exploded from the consumption of foods containing impurities and poisons which our bodies could not throw off. This theory has tentatively been embraced by the National Health-Scare Plan, which states that unnecessary and self inflicted conditions will be looked down upon and generally ignored.
It would now behoove us to eat foods which our bodies can efficiently handle. Our kidneys, livers, appendixes, intestines, colons, and stomachs are over-burdened from the stress of processing and eliminating the excesses we force on them. Why do you think human waste is so distasteful as to use it's slang as curse words. It is quite literally part of the curse! We need to start consuming herbs, vitamins, proteins, fruit juices, vegetable juices. Our foods must be predigested. The job of your stomach is to break down food to the point that it can be absorbed by the body to be used as nourishment and to hold up our pants. The only reason your stomach is necessary is that you stuff food down there that is not fit for consumption. The stomach must then produce gastric juices that would make coca-cola seem like a saline solution. Which is, of course where acid reflux comes from. The reason this food must be broken down is because some of it is not real food, but packaging which can not be absorbed by the body. We need to break it down before stuffing it down our throats. Then the digestive tract will shrivel up from lack of activity and you will have to get suspenders.
Talk about stimulating the economy. There are lobbyist that do not want this teaching to get out. Because no one will need toilets, toilet paper and cleaning products, stomach remedies, medical treatment for intestinal problems, colon problems etc. Not to mention the restaurants and grocery stores whose doors would be closed. The insurance companies are dead against it. So, I must be right!
I have withdrawn from my lucrative practice in order to further develop a line of stomach elimination health-scare products, that will help to eradicate the garbage in-garbage-out mentality and propel America to once again become a nation that does not travel on it's belly.
By the way, do we really need teeth??
Docktor Redknec's screwball theories are widely recognized as the ravings of a lunatic wannabe, as he has not yet attained the high level of lunatic. There is a movement (excuse the slang) about, to run him for the vacated Senate seat in Massachusetts. It was previously thought that no one could fill those shoes, but we belive Docktor Rednek can.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
MIND DUST
Hello Dear Friends,
I had too much to dream last night. I dreamed about mind-dust. The dream was too weird to repeat, but I thought the phrase was cool. I made a mental note, which is getting harder and harder to do. I made a mental note to remember mind-dust, because I wondered if it existed. Well, there is such a concept as mind-dust. There were songs about it, but I disregarded them because they might not be clean. Imagine dust not being clean! I went for the definition, which turned out to be evolutionist psycho-babble. Something about the mind being made up of atoms which are linked to other atoms with logic ability that somehow compounds itself and eventually equals the human thought process. Now I apologize to those who actually believe this stuff and realize that I totally mangled the definition. But it made so little sense that mangle is all I could do. I somehow imagined that mind-dust was a powder you could suspend in a liquid and perhaps ingest the same to make your mind become more alert. Who knows, in the right hands it could lead to a cure for Alzheimer's! That was a pretty good nights work!
I have a theory that my brain is not me. Or dig this, I have a brain and a sub-brain. The brain is me and the sub-brain is my reference library. My sub-brain is brilliant! Yours is too! But it's like living next door to the library and only checking out Dr. Seuss. There is a wealth of info in there, but it is seldom used. Occasionally I get a glimpse of what's in there thru my dreams. that's how I know it's there.
I was out with my cousins at the Varsity the other night. Chili dogs can mess your mind, not to mention your stomach. We were discussing the merits of combining vacuum cleaner technology with table saw technology and applying it to lawn mowers. You know about the vacuum cleaners that memorize your floor plan and furniture placement and vacuum your floor unattended? You could do this with computer controlled lawn mowers! You could sit at the computer with a joy stick if you just have to be involved, but no need to. Just hit the record button, walk thru the yard with the lawn mower and next time it knows the route. Unsafe you say! What about obstacles you say! Next time I'll get the meat loaf you say? Here's where table saw technology comes in. My cousin tells me that they have table saws now that would not cut a weenie. That's a little sad, because that's what I use mine for. I keep it in the kitchen to cut meats with. If you hold poor Oscar Mayer up to the blade it will barely scratch his skin, immediately cease spinning and pop down beneath the table in a nano-second, which is usually what I do. The same thing could be true for the lawn mower blade.Only when it gets 3 inches from an unknown object, it locks down. Okay, let's say this has been on the market for 5 years. The next innovation? Lawn Mower Surfing! Here's some of the necessary features: 4 wheel drive, 4 wheel fully independent suspension, 4 wheel steering, 4 wheels, hydraulics, sound system with ipod port and a surf board platform long enough so you can hang ten. Yeah, the lawn will be manicured twice a week and I'll cut the neighbors grass too! I'll organize lawn surfing competitions! It will become a 2016 Summer Olympic Event. Remember you saw it here first!! Next project, Hovercraft Hedge Trimmer. There will be a whole line of Hovercraftsman tools! The Hovercraftsman tree trimmer. You don't have to go up there! Oh, my wife just said we need a Hovercraftsman Buttkicker to get full value out of all those manual tools I already have.
Better get to it! Whoever said "Make hay while the sun shines", must not have lived in the south. Better make hay before it gets to be 95 degrees outside!
better get out there. See ya!
I had too much to dream last night. I dreamed about mind-dust. The dream was too weird to repeat, but I thought the phrase was cool. I made a mental note, which is getting harder and harder to do. I made a mental note to remember mind-dust, because I wondered if it existed. Well, there is such a concept as mind-dust. There were songs about it, but I disregarded them because they might not be clean. Imagine dust not being clean! I went for the definition, which turned out to be evolutionist psycho-babble. Something about the mind being made up of atoms which are linked to other atoms with logic ability that somehow compounds itself and eventually equals the human thought process. Now I apologize to those who actually believe this stuff and realize that I totally mangled the definition. But it made so little sense that mangle is all I could do. I somehow imagined that mind-dust was a powder you could suspend in a liquid and perhaps ingest the same to make your mind become more alert. Who knows, in the right hands it could lead to a cure for Alzheimer's! That was a pretty good nights work!
I have a theory that my brain is not me. Or dig this, I have a brain and a sub-brain. The brain is me and the sub-brain is my reference library. My sub-brain is brilliant! Yours is too! But it's like living next door to the library and only checking out Dr. Seuss. There is a wealth of info in there, but it is seldom used. Occasionally I get a glimpse of what's in there thru my dreams. that's how I know it's there.
I was out with my cousins at the Varsity the other night. Chili dogs can mess your mind, not to mention your stomach. We were discussing the merits of combining vacuum cleaner technology with table saw technology and applying it to lawn mowers. You know about the vacuum cleaners that memorize your floor plan and furniture placement and vacuum your floor unattended? You could do this with computer controlled lawn mowers! You could sit at the computer with a joy stick if you just have to be involved, but no need to. Just hit the record button, walk thru the yard with the lawn mower and next time it knows the route. Unsafe you say! What about obstacles you say! Next time I'll get the meat loaf you say? Here's where table saw technology comes in. My cousin tells me that they have table saws now that would not cut a weenie. That's a little sad, because that's what I use mine for. I keep it in the kitchen to cut meats with. If you hold poor Oscar Mayer up to the blade it will barely scratch his skin, immediately cease spinning and pop down beneath the table in a nano-second, which is usually what I do. The same thing could be true for the lawn mower blade.Only when it gets 3 inches from an unknown object, it locks down. Okay, let's say this has been on the market for 5 years. The next innovation? Lawn Mower Surfing! Here's some of the necessary features: 4 wheel drive, 4 wheel fully independent suspension, 4 wheel steering, 4 wheels, hydraulics, sound system with ipod port and a surf board platform long enough so you can hang ten. Yeah, the lawn will be manicured twice a week and I'll cut the neighbors grass too! I'll organize lawn surfing competitions! It will become a 2016 Summer Olympic Event. Remember you saw it here first!! Next project, Hovercraft Hedge Trimmer. There will be a whole line of Hovercraftsman tools! The Hovercraftsman tree trimmer. You don't have to go up there! Oh, my wife just said we need a Hovercraftsman Buttkicker to get full value out of all those manual tools I already have.
Better get to it! Whoever said "Make hay while the sun shines", must not have lived in the south. Better make hay before it gets to be 95 degrees outside!
better get out there. See ya!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Growing Up Rich In Forest Park
How shall I write about the town I grew up in and my childhood? Shall I dramatize, shall I glamorize or supersize? I think I'll just be plain and simple, because those are the only two ways I know how to write. I'm not a historian, well it would take the whole internet to tell of the things I'm not. You'll figure that out anyway. I grew up starting at zero up until almost nine years old on Capital Ave in Atlanta, just a stone's throw from Turner Field. I know this because in the early sixties a lot of stones were thrown down there. Let's say we moved out from there in August of 1962, because we did! We moved from that confined, protective environment to the freedom and safety of Forest Park Georgia. You see, in my old neighborhood, I had to stay in my own yard and at night we locked down and laid low. We moved to a brand new neighborhood, Ridgewood Subdivision. I'd never before heard of a subdivision and now I was living in one. We moved from a big 2-story asbestos siding house to a 1000 square foot brick ranch, number 5036 out of 9007 such houses built in the 50's and 60's in Forest Park. There were no rich houses and poor houses in Forest Park, just 1000 square foot brick ranches. They started building these houses at the end of World WarII for all of the soldiers coming home and implementing the baby boom. The playing field was totally level. Of course if your dad worked for the Ford or Chevrolet plant or Delta or Eastern (the airlines part is assumed) then you had a slightly favorable status, but still lived in the 1000 square foot brick house. The houses on our street came in only two plans, carport on the left, or mirror image carport on the right. Everyone was new in our neighborhood so we went around excitedly inquiring whether each new family had any kids, especially boys. One new family had five kids, four of them boys. Yes! They were the basis of all sports in our neighborhood. All of the boys played in the street. For baseball, the water meters were first and third base and the manhole cover in the middle of the street was second base. We used a piece of granite to draw home plate. For football, the curbs were the side boundary and the telephone poles were the two goals. Basketball was played in the back yards. We played spud in the street, with a basketball. Everyone formed a circle in the middle of the street and someone bounced the basketball as hard as he could and called out someone's name and everyone else ran while that person got the ball and hollered freeze. Then everyone had to stop. He would then roll or throw the ball at someone. If it hit them or they caught it they had to holler freeze etc. If they missed, they were awarded a spud. Three spuds and you had to lean over and put your hands against the telephone poll, while everyone else stood behind a line and threw the basketball at your business end as hard as they could. We all went to J E Edmunds Elementary School on Simpson Rd. You could get there by cutting across someones yard to the dirt road, Elam Church Rd or you could walk up to Watts Rd and catch the nearly new, Chevrolet bus, number 56. Elam Church Rd was called that because around the corner on Watts Rd there was an old one room church, Elam Church. It was full of leaves, newspapers and liquor bottles and had a pot belly stove. We had great plans to camp out in there, but like many others, were never carried out. That would have been great!. Needless to say they had not held forth that church in a while. There was also Elam Cemetery on Elam Church Rd. Rarely someone new would be buried there, but many graves were simply marked with a big rock or stone at each end. Some had a slab of concrete for the sides and top and stood about 18 inches tall. There would be small trees growing out of them, so we tried to peek in. You could always go there at night and toss rocks into the air to make the bats dive. You could do the same under the street lights, but the graveyard was more cool. On Saturdays, you could ride your bike to Clayton Plaza and later to Grant City South. I always checked out the model cars at Jacob's Drug Store, Woolworths and Grants. I'd go in Buddy's Sporting goods and look at the baseball equipment and then Western Auto to see the radios and electric guitars. Once in a blue moon I'd go on a bike trip and ride until I got lost and then find my way back. We also liked to visit the creek that ran thru the Army Depot. We picked it up behind the property which was also behind a newer subdivision. The creek had these huge slippery rocks to walk over (part of Stone Mountain) and it had suds in it that gave it a chemical or detergent smell. We thought the new houses were letting their washing machines drain into the creek. I read many years later, that the Army Depot had been cited for dumping chemicals into that creek. I lost my hair because of it. It also kept me from making good grades in school or meeting girls. It's my all purpose excuse for everything that went wrong. Once we saw the hood of a 1954 Ford lodged into the creekbed. I convinced my buddy that the whole car was under there. Who knows, he might have been right.
We also liked to make secret formulas using bleach, gasoline, gourd innards and anything from the garden, basement or utility room we could find. It's a wonder we didn't kill ourselves or blow up something. We built several huts during our childhoods. One was an underground hut. We built (dug) it the backyard that adjoined the cemetery. It looked like another grave being dug. His mother made us undig it. The last one we built was just to sleep in. It was low to the ground, made of small tree limbs and had a fireplace in one end in case it got cold. Of, course the fireplace was also made of tree limbs, which ended up being combustible, as was the rest of the hut. That night we went for a walk around the neighborhood, just getting into general mischief. I won't say doing what because some of those people may still be living. We ended up walking about a mile away up to Forest Park Junior High where I had obtained a position as student. After I explained all of the responsibilities and hazards associated with being a grown-up, we walked over to Main St to purchase cokes from the machine at the Gulf Station. We walked around with these in total innocence, even though it was after midnight, until we saw a police car. My young friend suggested running, but I being in possession of a cool head, realized that would look suspicious and being that we had done nothing wrong in the last 43 minutes thought it best to walk on by as though nothing was wrong, which is what I actually believed. They picked us up and began to interrogate us. They said had we run, they would have been obligated to shoot, since we were near adult sized, especially me. It seems we had committed a string of crimes we were not aware of, including buying cokes from the machine and not leaving a deposit for the bottles (even though the station was closed). and being alive and walking around after curfew. Now I knew what curfew was but did not realize my quiet little town had one. They took us on down to the station and were about to issue our striped uniforms when they realized my friends dad was none other than a volunteer cop. So they called him at 1:30 a.m. and he came to get us. I would not get in trouble again for many months, but many months passed and I did again get in trouble while operating in the capacity of a Junior High Student. It seems I bought a fire cracker from an associate. It turns out the officials found out and rounded up the whole fire cracker gang. We seemed to be just inches away from juvenile detention. I was sent for by personal messenger, rather than the intercom, I suppose to keep the rumors down and retain the element of surprise. I sold the hot item to an underling in order to be rid of it. I was required to go find my associate. He had discovered to my honest surprise, that the firecracker was devoid of gunpowder, a dud. Nevertheless there was plenty of fire-power in the assistant principal's paddle and my britches stayed warm all winter.
I rode my bike thru rain, sleet and snow to as many football games as I could at the old Kiwanis field. That would be my junk bike that I bought for $3 and fixed up. I had a nice chrome 3 speed spider bike with the flaming bananna seat. Something I would continue to do all through high school, except it was to Tara Stadium in my Blue Wonder! . I begged my parents to buy me a school jacket. It was too cool. Wine with gold leather sleeves and my name embroidered on it. This was not the cartoon looking Panther on the back. This was the cool one! I promised my folks I would not grow too much and would wear it the next 4 1/2 years thru high school and I did it proudly!
High School was cool! Not the classes and the schoolwork or most of the teachers. But going to a school with a great band, super basketball team and best of all the legitimate football teams in the state. Valdosta didn't count because they had plowhorses in uniform on their team.
I worked at several places and finally settled at Grants, working the snack bar with some of my best friends. It was fun because lots of kids worked there and lots of people came in. the snack bar was in front so we saw everyone. There was the motorcycle dude who visited often. He was too cool. The professional student with the handlebar mustache who smoked his pipe, read the paper and made a 10 cent cup of coffee last all day. Then there were the army guys. It was the last stop before Vietnam. They were always in there looking for girls and eating donuts. We had to announce the donut sales over the public address system. Jimmy and I would do impersonations of Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne and Ed Sullivan or whoever we could, when we were sure the store manager was gone for they day. It went like this: (Ed Sullivan) Good evening Grant Schoppers! We have a really big shew for you tonite! We're featuring etc. We may have been inspired by our principal Mr. Kirkland who made the same announcement at the end of everyday for about 6 years that I know of. It goes, "Teachers, please have your students lower and adjust the blinds before leaving today". Once we had a walkout at school to protest the fact that the teachers had a lounge to smoke in, but the students weren't allowed. But the day everyone looked forward to most, was Senior Day. We looked forward to that for years. When the day came I had not shaved for a week, for which the college professionals at Grants gave me grief about. I dressed head to toe in black including a black cowboy hat and a homemade holster that strapped to my leg. I got quite a few stares and whispers of awe. I walked around saying things like "Make my day" or "Feelin' lucky punk? Well do ya?" I got lots of strange looks because the Dirty Harry movies weren't out yet. They would steal real estate signs and put them all over the front lawn as if to sell the school. Of course this one guy brings a hearse and casket. That's hard to top. My first car was my dad's 1963 4 door Chevy II. I had it painted Grotto Blue. I put 14 inch slotted disc's on the back and 13's on the front and installed a cassette player. not the standard mini-8 track. Not the same league as the GTO's, Mustangs, Corvette, Cyclones, Super Bee, Roadrunners. Oh well,it was one of a kind.
Well, I eventually graduated (class of '71) from that place and married a Forest Park Girl (class of '74) and stayed in Forest Park and Morrow for the next 30 years! I will always have fond memories of those times because Forest Park was my "Camelot"
We also liked to make secret formulas using bleach, gasoline, gourd innards and anything from the garden, basement or utility room we could find. It's a wonder we didn't kill ourselves or blow up something. We built several huts during our childhoods. One was an underground hut. We built (dug) it the backyard that adjoined the cemetery. It looked like another grave being dug. His mother made us undig it. The last one we built was just to sleep in. It was low to the ground, made of small tree limbs and had a fireplace in one end in case it got cold. Of, course the fireplace was also made of tree limbs, which ended up being combustible, as was the rest of the hut. That night we went for a walk around the neighborhood, just getting into general mischief. I won't say doing what because some of those people may still be living. We ended up walking about a mile away up to Forest Park Junior High where I had obtained a position as student. After I explained all of the responsibilities and hazards associated with being a grown-up, we walked over to Main St to purchase cokes from the machine at the Gulf Station. We walked around with these in total innocence, even though it was after midnight, until we saw a police car. My young friend suggested running, but I being in possession of a cool head, realized that would look suspicious and being that we had done nothing wrong in the last 43 minutes thought it best to walk on by as though nothing was wrong, which is what I actually believed. They picked us up and began to interrogate us. They said had we run, they would have been obligated to shoot, since we were near adult sized, especially me. It seems we had committed a string of crimes we were not aware of, including buying cokes from the machine and not leaving a deposit for the bottles (even though the station was closed). and being alive and walking around after curfew. Now I knew what curfew was but did not realize my quiet little town had one. They took us on down to the station and were about to issue our striped uniforms when they realized my friends dad was none other than a volunteer cop. So they called him at 1:30 a.m. and he came to get us. I would not get in trouble again for many months, but many months passed and I did again get in trouble while operating in the capacity of a Junior High Student. It seems I bought a fire cracker from an associate. It turns out the officials found out and rounded up the whole fire cracker gang. We seemed to be just inches away from juvenile detention. I was sent for by personal messenger, rather than the intercom, I suppose to keep the rumors down and retain the element of surprise. I sold the hot item to an underling in order to be rid of it. I was required to go find my associate. He had discovered to my honest surprise, that the firecracker was devoid of gunpowder, a dud. Nevertheless there was plenty of fire-power in the assistant principal's paddle and my britches stayed warm all winter.
I rode my bike thru rain, sleet and snow to as many football games as I could at the old Kiwanis field. That would be my junk bike that I bought for $3 and fixed up. I had a nice chrome 3 speed spider bike with the flaming bananna seat. Something I would continue to do all through high school, except it was to Tara Stadium in my Blue Wonder! . I begged my parents to buy me a school jacket. It was too cool. Wine with gold leather sleeves and my name embroidered on it. This was not the cartoon looking Panther on the back. This was the cool one! I promised my folks I would not grow too much and would wear it the next 4 1/2 years thru high school and I did it proudly!
High School was cool! Not the classes and the schoolwork or most of the teachers. But going to a school with a great band, super basketball team and best of all the legitimate football teams in the state. Valdosta didn't count because they had plowhorses in uniform on their team.
I worked at several places and finally settled at Grants, working the snack bar with some of my best friends. It was fun because lots of kids worked there and lots of people came in. the snack bar was in front so we saw everyone. There was the motorcycle dude who visited often. He was too cool. The professional student with the handlebar mustache who smoked his pipe, read the paper and made a 10 cent cup of coffee last all day. Then there were the army guys. It was the last stop before Vietnam. They were always in there looking for girls and eating donuts. We had to announce the donut sales over the public address system. Jimmy and I would do impersonations of Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne and Ed Sullivan or whoever we could, when we were sure the store manager was gone for they day. It went like this: (Ed Sullivan) Good evening Grant Schoppers! We have a really big shew for you tonite! We're featuring etc. We may have been inspired by our principal Mr. Kirkland who made the same announcement at the end of everyday for about 6 years that I know of. It goes, "Teachers, please have your students lower and adjust the blinds before leaving today". Once we had a walkout at school to protest the fact that the teachers had a lounge to smoke in, but the students weren't allowed. But the day everyone looked forward to most, was Senior Day. We looked forward to that for years. When the day came I had not shaved for a week, for which the college professionals at Grants gave me grief about. I dressed head to toe in black including a black cowboy hat and a homemade holster that strapped to my leg. I got quite a few stares and whispers of awe. I walked around saying things like "Make my day" or "Feelin' lucky punk? Well do ya?" I got lots of strange looks because the Dirty Harry movies weren't out yet. They would steal real estate signs and put them all over the front lawn as if to sell the school. Of course this one guy brings a hearse and casket. That's hard to top. My first car was my dad's 1963 4 door Chevy II. I had it painted Grotto Blue. I put 14 inch slotted disc's on the back and 13's on the front and installed a cassette player. not the standard mini-8 track. Not the same league as the GTO's, Mustangs, Corvette, Cyclones, Super Bee, Roadrunners. Oh well,it was one of a kind.
Well, I eventually graduated (class of '71) from that place and married a Forest Park Girl (class of '74) and stayed in Forest Park and Morrow for the next 30 years! I will always have fond memories of those times because Forest Park was my "Camelot"
Monday, July 20, 2009
Winnie The Pooh
Hello everyone!
I know I've created this gruff he-man image, this person everyone looks up to, to lead the way, to right wrongs, to spread wisdom, intelligence and other less desirable things. Unmentionable things! But, I have to open up and share another side of myself that few would guess. Don't worry, it's not my backside! How many sides to me are there? Well, there's the manly, manly side, the manly political side, the manly religious side, the manly romantic side and lest you think I am square, there's a fifth side - my child side! It came out the other day. I bought a VHS movie the other day for 79 cents. I discovered this rare gem, the 25th Anniversary Edition of Walt Disney's "The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh". It's the predecessor to Toy Story, if you will, or even if you won't. I don't care! Only Winnie is 7 1/3 times better! In case you don't know the story, I'll fill you in. The story was written by A. A. Milne in the 1920's. There was a real bear cub who had been captured in "Canada", which is presently located in Canada, and was on loan to the "London Zoo" in London. Christopher Robin, the young son of Milne, was quite fond of Winnipeg the bear (Winnie) and would often visit and spend time inside the cage with Winnie. So Christopher Robin names his Teddy Bear, Winnie. Now don't ask me why a British child would have a Teddy Bear, since the name is from Teddy Roosevelt. By the way, the older generation, you know, the one that's older than mine, pronounces it Rooozavelt instead of Rosavelt like everyone else. No matter! He had other stuffed animals, Piglet, Eyore and Tigger. A. A. Milne began to write stories about his son Christopher Robin and his stuffy friends.
But I believe there is more to the story, than just a child's fantasy or imagination! This is a story of accepting others differences. Not diversity. Diversity means showing preference to one person over another just because he is different. It means undermining the foundation of a nation to placate the minority alien who has come to our country, not to join it, but to take over. Ooooh! that was the manly political side. Get back! Winnie is this overweight, rumbly, tumbly yellow bear with a red shirt. Doesn't wear pants, but neither did Donald Duck. He is sweet, but rather introspective in his pursuit of honey. Then there is shy little piglet, who lacks self confidence and has little might. There's Eeyore, the donkey with the pinned on tail, who is the most depressed animal you'd ever meet. The wise owl who is quite the blowhard. He is simply called Owl. And then there's Tigger, the sometimes obnoxious very bouncey tiger, whose always jumping and bouncing on things. Don't forget Rabbit, crotchety Rabbit and Kanga and her small child Roo. They all live in the "100 Acre Wood". They always help each other when there is a problem and often, they go to Christopher Robin, the only human in the story. Christopher Robin is kind of like God. He loves the animals and always comes to their rescue. He has great patience with them. But his favorite is Pooh, perhaps because he was Christopher's first. The story is both humorous and sweet. I bought it to play for my two year old granddaughter, Raegan, but thoroughly enjoyed watching it by myself.
Now more. The voice of Pooh is Sterling Holloway, who also did the voice of Kaa the snake in Jungle Book. The voice of Owl was Hal Smith, Otis, the town drunk, on The Andy Griffith Show. Howard Morris did the voice of Gopher. Howard played Ernestee Bass on Andy Griffith. Jon Walmsley did the voice of Christopher Robin. Who is Jon Walmsley? Why, he's Jason, on the Waltons!
The video I have, has a bunch of behind the scenes stuff including Carly Simon's performance of the songs for Piglet's Big Movie, for which she wrote the score.
Here's a great website for tons of info on this story:
http://www.just-pooh.com/
For the introduction to Piglet's Big Movie and Carly Simon's theme song, check http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4UYtnlSZGs.
This one is Kenny Loggins singing Return to the House at Pooh Corner. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjIYTd_lJqs&feature=related
This reminded me that the story is also about childhood fantasies and outgrowing them.
I double-dog-dare everyone to watch this movie. If you have small children or grandchildren, shame on you if you don't get this movie and watch it with them. And get them a Pooh Bear too!
I'd bet honey, there's a child side to you too! Go find it!!
I know I've created this gruff he-man image, this person everyone looks up to, to lead the way, to right wrongs, to spread wisdom, intelligence and other less desirable things. Unmentionable things! But, I have to open up and share another side of myself that few would guess. Don't worry, it's not my backside! How many sides to me are there? Well, there's the manly, manly side, the manly political side, the manly religious side, the manly romantic side and lest you think I am square, there's a fifth side - my child side! It came out the other day. I bought a VHS movie the other day for 79 cents. I discovered this rare gem, the 25th Anniversary Edition of Walt Disney's "The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh". It's the predecessor to Toy Story, if you will, or even if you won't. I don't care! Only Winnie is 7 1/3 times better! In case you don't know the story, I'll fill you in. The story was written by A. A. Milne in the 1920's. There was a real bear cub who had been captured in "Canada", which is presently located in Canada, and was on loan to the "London Zoo" in London. Christopher Robin, the young son of Milne, was quite fond of Winnipeg the bear (Winnie) and would often visit and spend time inside the cage with Winnie. So Christopher Robin names his Teddy Bear, Winnie. Now don't ask me why a British child would have a Teddy Bear, since the name is from Teddy Roosevelt. By the way, the older generation, you know, the one that's older than mine, pronounces it Rooozavelt instead of Rosavelt like everyone else. No matter! He had other stuffed animals, Piglet, Eyore and Tigger. A. A. Milne began to write stories about his son Christopher Robin and his stuffy friends.
But I believe there is more to the story, than just a child's fantasy or imagination! This is a story of accepting others differences. Not diversity. Diversity means showing preference to one person over another just because he is different. It means undermining the foundation of a nation to placate the minority alien who has come to our country, not to join it, but to take over. Ooooh! that was the manly political side. Get back! Winnie is this overweight, rumbly, tumbly yellow bear with a red shirt. Doesn't wear pants, but neither did Donald Duck. He is sweet, but rather introspective in his pursuit of honey. Then there is shy little piglet, who lacks self confidence and has little might. There's Eeyore, the donkey with the pinned on tail, who is the most depressed animal you'd ever meet. The wise owl who is quite the blowhard. He is simply called Owl. And then there's Tigger, the sometimes obnoxious very bouncey tiger, whose always jumping and bouncing on things. Don't forget Rabbit, crotchety Rabbit and Kanga and her small child Roo. They all live in the "100 Acre Wood". They always help each other when there is a problem and often, they go to Christopher Robin, the only human in the story. Christopher Robin is kind of like God. He loves the animals and always comes to their rescue. He has great patience with them. But his favorite is Pooh, perhaps because he was Christopher's first. The story is both humorous and sweet. I bought it to play for my two year old granddaughter, Raegan, but thoroughly enjoyed watching it by myself.
Now more. The voice of Pooh is Sterling Holloway, who also did the voice of Kaa the snake in Jungle Book. The voice of Owl was Hal Smith, Otis, the town drunk, on The Andy Griffith Show. Howard Morris did the voice of Gopher. Howard played Ernestee Bass on Andy Griffith. Jon Walmsley did the voice of Christopher Robin. Who is Jon Walmsley? Why, he's Jason, on the Waltons!
The video I have, has a bunch of behind the scenes stuff including Carly Simon's performance of the songs for Piglet's Big Movie, for which she wrote the score.
Here's a great website for tons of info on this story:
http://www.just-pooh.com/
For the introduction to Piglet's Big Movie and Carly Simon's theme song, check http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4UYtnlSZGs.
This one is Kenny Loggins singing Return to the House at Pooh Corner. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjIYTd_lJqs&feature=related
This reminded me that the story is also about childhood fantasies and outgrowing them.
I double-dog-dare everyone to watch this movie. If you have small children or grandchildren, shame on you if you don't get this movie and watch it with them. And get them a Pooh Bear too!
I'd bet honey, there's a child side to you too! Go find it!!
Friday, July 17, 2009
FIRST THERE IS A MOUNTAIN - THEN THERE IS NO MOUNTAIN - THEN THERE IS!
How strange!?
First there is a mountain and then there isn't one and then later there is one. How odd and unexplainable. You see there's a song that goes:
First there is a mountain,
Then there is no mountain,
Then there is.
First there is a mountain.
Then there is no mountain,
Then there is.
He repeats this many times, as if it were so. and then he adds another verse:
Caterpillar sheds his skin,
You'll find a butterfly within.
Caterpillar sheds his skin,
You'll find a butterfly within.
You can listen for yourself if you like at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37r07eg867Y
It's a song by Donovan, just plain Donovan like Elvis. His last name is Lietch. Cary Grant's real name is Archibald Leach. Different spelling and Donovan is Scottish. thus the Scottish invasion. Oh yes, there was also a Polish invasion via Bobby Vinton. He was the Barry Manilo of the '60's. Then there was the redneck invasion headed up by Bobby Goldsboro and "Wicked" Wilson Pickett from Alabama. Not together. That would be like Manilo and Springstein. Can't see Bobby singing Funky Broadway or Pickett singing Me and God are Watching Scottie Grow.
Anyway Donovan started out like a groovy Bob Dylan and then started mixing his fruits and vegetables and became a little out there. It's been said if you remember the sixties, you weren't there. Well, I was there and I do remember them, but I was an innocent bystander! Honestly, Atlanta Georgia was not one of the top ten hip scenes. I played as big a part in the hippie movement as I did the Vietnam movement. Both were dangerous territory.
Yes, we are far afield. In the bible, a mountain is often a safe place or a place of refuge. A mountain is a strategic place to fight your battles from. A mountain may also represent an insurmountable obstacle. Perhaps a period of time in one's life. The main thing I want you to know is that I can't explain this song. Maybe I'll try to interpret Ode to Billie Joe. Check this next link. It's Donovan and Bobbie Gentry singing, First there Is A Mountain. Bobbie Gentry was a groovy country girl singer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uGnEc0DhY4
First there is a weekend,
Then there is no weekend,
Then there is!
First there is a mountain and then there isn't one and then later there is one. How odd and unexplainable. You see there's a song that goes:
First there is a mountain,
Then there is no mountain,
Then there is.
First there is a mountain.
Then there is no mountain,
Then there is.
He repeats this many times, as if it were so. and then he adds another verse:
Caterpillar sheds his skin,
You'll find a butterfly within.
Caterpillar sheds his skin,
You'll find a butterfly within.
You can listen for yourself if you like at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37r07eg867Y
It's a song by Donovan, just plain Donovan like Elvis. His last name is Lietch. Cary Grant's real name is Archibald Leach. Different spelling and Donovan is Scottish. thus the Scottish invasion. Oh yes, there was also a Polish invasion via Bobby Vinton. He was the Barry Manilo of the '60's. Then there was the redneck invasion headed up by Bobby Goldsboro and "Wicked" Wilson Pickett from Alabama. Not together. That would be like Manilo and Springstein. Can't see Bobby singing Funky Broadway or Pickett singing Me and God are Watching Scottie Grow.
Anyway Donovan started out like a groovy Bob Dylan and then started mixing his fruits and vegetables and became a little out there. It's been said if you remember the sixties, you weren't there. Well, I was there and I do remember them, but I was an innocent bystander! Honestly, Atlanta Georgia was not one of the top ten hip scenes. I played as big a part in the hippie movement as I did the Vietnam movement. Both were dangerous territory.
Yes, we are far afield. In the bible, a mountain is often a safe place or a place of refuge. A mountain is a strategic place to fight your battles from. A mountain may also represent an insurmountable obstacle. Perhaps a period of time in one's life. The main thing I want you to know is that I can't explain this song. Maybe I'll try to interpret Ode to Billie Joe. Check this next link. It's Donovan and Bobbie Gentry singing, First there Is A Mountain. Bobbie Gentry was a groovy country girl singer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uGnEc0DhY4
First there is a weekend,
Then there is no weekend,
Then there is!
Monday, July 13, 2009
A-Spare-Ag-Us the Drama!
Again, friends,
I don't care what you think, oh well, I do, but when I know I'm right, I just don't give a fig. Since I don't like figs, that's very little. Because I like President George H Bush and I like what he said about Broccoli and I'll defend his right to say it!! So Broccoli growers, you can just go ahead and boycott my little enterprise, both of you! In case you don't remember, George put it this way.
I don't like broccoli, it's plain to see,
And you won't receive an apology.
I would not eat it with steak and peas,
I would not eat it with mac and cheese.
I would not like it with apple pie.
And like George Washington, I cannot lie.
I would not eat it with Doris Day,
Or in cake or creme souffle.
I would not eat it with chips and dip,
Not on a boat or plane or even a ship.
I would not eat it with green eggs and hamn,
I do not like it worth a - flip!
It looks like something you'd feed a goat,
What's that you say, I've lost your vote!
Well bring me some broccoli with chocolate syrup,
Whipped cream and nuts for my dessert.
I'll eat the broccoli and lick the platter,
Just vote for me and forget the latter.
Sorry, here's what he really said:
Go George! I have since come to like Broccoli, but have untoward sentiments about asparagus. So Asparagus Growers, sit on it! I recently received an email from a kind relative explaining the benefits of asparagus with regards to cancer. Between asparagus and cancer, I'll choose asparagus, but between asparagus and anything else, I'll choose anything else! My first experience with asparagus was as a child in the monster house I grew up in. You must read my early posts, and try to keep up! I was seven and my sister was 11. Now I'm 55 and she's 51. Whatever! Mom cooked something new, which she rarely did. I barely liked corn and peas and now she wanted to try asparagus, from a can no less. Canned corn, peas, green beans are no problem, but if you want me to eat adult vegetables, they better be fresh and very nearly raw. Well, I gagged down as much as I could, but my sister, being smarter and also more wicked, tried passing it to the dog. The dog nearly vomited! It's a protective reflex. So, she just put the asparagus in a napkin, hidden in her lap, and after supper, went out to the front yard and threw it down the embankment. She later opened a successful restaurant, heck, if we're lying, let's say a chain of successful restaurants, called "Asparagus On The Side". You can order anything, and it comes with asparagus on the side. For a fee you can have them leave the asparagus off altogether. But, if you really get into the spirit of things, you can have the waiter take your asparagus and throw it down the embankment!! One famous customer whose name I won't mention wanted to drop his asparagus from the presidential helicopter.He wanted his supper to go and if you eat asparagus, you will Go!
The poop on asparagus, oh, excuse me, the story on asparagus is that you should take a tablespoon of concentrated asparagus at breakfast and before going to bed. Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in the pot, nine days old! If that means nothing to you, then we have really lost our way. You can have it hot like tea or cold like juice. You can sprinkle it on your grits or you can make a green paste to spread alongside ketchup for a colorful Christmas meatloaf! I say, put it in a pill! I did try grilled asparagus and crunchy grilled asparagus with some oily stuff on it is quite good! Of course you could smoke it. I tried but it wouldn't stay lit, so I'm not sure.
Listen, if I get cancer, I'll take a bath in asparagus, start smoking (just so I can stop), take omega 3, do yoga, fly to Mexico for experimental drugs, become a vegetarian, well maybe, but until then PFFTTFFTTPTH!
So remember this:
Eat, what you love,
And skip, what you hate.
Cuz, you are what you eat,
Minus what you eliminate!
Good night and good health to you!
P.S. If you love asparagus, I still love you. Just don't bring it in the house!.
I don't care what you think, oh well, I do, but when I know I'm right, I just don't give a fig. Since I don't like figs, that's very little. Because I like President George H Bush and I like what he said about Broccoli and I'll defend his right to say it!! So Broccoli growers, you can just go ahead and boycott my little enterprise, both of you! In case you don't remember, George put it this way.
I don't like broccoli, it's plain to see,
And you won't receive an apology.
I would not eat it with steak and peas,
I would not eat it with mac and cheese.
I would not like it with apple pie.
And like George Washington, I cannot lie.
I would not eat it with Doris Day,
Or in cake or creme souffle.
I would not eat it with chips and dip,
Not on a boat or plane or even a ship.
I would not eat it with green eggs and hamn,
I do not like it worth a - flip!
It looks like something you'd feed a goat,
What's that you say, I've lost your vote!
Well bring me some broccoli with chocolate syrup,
Whipped cream and nuts for my dessert.
I'll eat the broccoli and lick the platter,
Just vote for me and forget the latter.
Sorry, here's what he really said:
“I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.
Go George! I have since come to like Broccoli, but have untoward sentiments about asparagus. So Asparagus Growers, sit on it! I recently received an email from a kind relative explaining the benefits of asparagus with regards to cancer. Between asparagus and cancer, I'll choose asparagus, but between asparagus and anything else, I'll choose anything else! My first experience with asparagus was as a child in the monster house I grew up in. You must read my early posts, and try to keep up! I was seven and my sister was 11. Now I'm 55 and she's 51. Whatever! Mom cooked something new, which she rarely did. I barely liked corn and peas and now she wanted to try asparagus, from a can no less. Canned corn, peas, green beans are no problem, but if you want me to eat adult vegetables, they better be fresh and very nearly raw. Well, I gagged down as much as I could, but my sister, being smarter and also more wicked, tried passing it to the dog. The dog nearly vomited! It's a protective reflex. So, she just put the asparagus in a napkin, hidden in her lap, and after supper, went out to the front yard and threw it down the embankment. She later opened a successful restaurant, heck, if we're lying, let's say a chain of successful restaurants, called "Asparagus On The Side". You can order anything, and it comes with asparagus on the side. For a fee you can have them leave the asparagus off altogether. But, if you really get into the spirit of things, you can have the waiter take your asparagus and throw it down the embankment!! One famous customer whose name I won't mention wanted to drop his asparagus from the presidential helicopter.He wanted his supper to go and if you eat asparagus, you will Go!
The poop on asparagus, oh, excuse me, the story on asparagus is that you should take a tablespoon of concentrated asparagus at breakfast and before going to bed. Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in the pot, nine days old! If that means nothing to you, then we have really lost our way. You can have it hot like tea or cold like juice. You can sprinkle it on your grits or you can make a green paste to spread alongside ketchup for a colorful Christmas meatloaf! I say, put it in a pill! I did try grilled asparagus and crunchy grilled asparagus with some oily stuff on it is quite good! Of course you could smoke it. I tried but it wouldn't stay lit, so I'm not sure.
Listen, if I get cancer, I'll take a bath in asparagus, start smoking (just so I can stop), take omega 3, do yoga, fly to Mexico for experimental drugs, become a vegetarian, well maybe, but until then PFFTTFFTTPTH!
So remember this:
Eat, what you love,
And skip, what you hate.
Cuz, you are what you eat,
Minus what you eliminate!
Good night and good health to you!
P.S. If you love asparagus, I still love you. Just don't bring it in the house!.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
DOCTOR PLEASE!
Hi guys,
I missed you. I had to go to the doctor today cause...
I was feelin' . . . so bad,
I asked my family doctor just what I had,
I said, "Doctor, . . . (Doctor-r)
Mr. M.D., . . . (Doctor-r . .)
Now can you tell me, (tell me, tell me)
What's ailin' me?" (Doctor-r . .)
He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Yes, indeed, all you really need . . .(Is good lovin')
Gimme that good, good lovin . . .(Good lovin')
All I need is lovin' . . .(Good lovin')
Good lovin', baby.
(compliments of the Young Rascals- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH3JxK )
Oh, if it were only that simple. Actually, I've been doing fine, thank you. It's just that my blood sugar and cholesterol does not meet government conformance. Nor does my triglycerides. I thought they were putting that in the water now, so you didn't have to worry about it. I joke, but you know it's coming - and sooner than you think. If your blood pressure is too high, they're gonna tax you. If you smoke, they're gonna tax you. If you drink, might as well get extra happy, cause they're gonna tax you! If you're too fat, better lose weight cause, they're gonna tax you. I am not fat, I'm just a little too short for my weight. Old joke, but my doctor's old, so it might work. If you're short, may as well move to Japan. My regular doctor was not there so I had to see an irregular one. He's not so laid back. Dr' Nicefellow, my regular Dr, said don't worry about exercise, or cholesterol, or salt. Just try to loose some weight and see if that works! I like that. He said running from potatos (help me Quayle). and bread and rice is all the exercise you need. Dr Tv Doctor said, I should get a will, see an ophthalmologist, get a follow up ekg, start taking gravestat and become an exercise fool. I've got the fool part down pretty good! Actually he said I didn't have to exercise on the days that start with vowels. I thought he said bowels, which would be most every day, but unfortunately it was vowels. Please help me think of some. There's Easter and Arbor day. How about yesterday! I could always not exercise yesterday. but can you not exercise yesterday today or must you wait until tomorrow and not do it? I need more vowel days. Can I buy a vowel?? Oh, and the gravestat, that's for when you feel like you've got one foot in the grave, it helps you get the other one in. It's one of those drugs from the Stat family. You know they have their own Island, Staten Island. Same family. They created monostat for loneliness, fatastat for weight control, ratastat for pest control and thermostat for cold feet. I made up that last one. Ha, ha:)
I arrived 2 minutes early for my appointment. I had to pay a $25 co-pay and got way more than I bargained for or actually wanted. I sat down and began looking thru the magazines. I passed over the self-help rags because - well.... Then I found the LARGE PRINT Readers Digest. Perfect! But before I could find the joke page, I was called back. I knew something was wrong, because I usually wait a minimum 30 minutes. I hear that Dr' Nicefellow is not here yet. Man, this Doctor TV Doctor really knows how to clear out a waiting room. The paramedics came and got one patient. I heard something about not being able to find his tonsil scratchers. I call him Dr TV Doctor, because if he had a bubble over his head, it would say " I'm not a real doctor, but I play one in real life". Anyway, nurse (Ma) Kettle comes and wants me to take my shirt off and starts asking me about the beach and travel. She takes my blood pressure, looks in my mouth, nose, ears and eyes. Then she rolls in this cart and starts sticking these little patches all over. She takes my ekg. All for twenty five dollars! I figure there must be a catch, like I have to subscribe to eleven magazines. Mind you the door was closed and there was no male present, so I think I could sue. Then Dr TV Dr comes in and Nurse Kettle leaves. He says I can put my shirt back on and remove everything else - except my tighty whities. Now you know! Now I made sure that I had clean underwear and that it had no holes except where it should have holes. Wow! At least something had gone right! He did the knee jerk test, the foot jerk test and the arm jerk test. He did a front end alignment and then the worst exam a man could have. All without the presence of a female!! The rear end lubrication. I asked if I would be able to play the piano after this? Because I always wanted to. Well, I haven't tried the piano, but I instantly attained the ability to dance like Michael Jackson, God rest his soul. Why do we say this? When you die, your soul is at rest or it is not. I hope many of his fans will become believers. So then I do the moon walk down the hall to the receptionist desk. That's after redressing, underwear on the inside, pants on the outside, like regular people! Now here's the thing. there is a double standard! If I had breasts, I would know how to self examine them! Everyone does! So you don't have to go thru the embarrassment of having someone else do it. So, why don't they teach men, because I believe you could do that yourself! If you know your you-know-what from a hole in the ground, you can do it! Hope you've already eaten your supper. Sorry. They have a little tv in the exam room. It doesn't get Melrose Place or Leave it to Beaver or even Dr. Kildare. Oh, don't remind me! It has fifteen channels all about diseases you might have. They've already asked me about diseases my relatives might have. Don't put your ailments on facebook, because the government collects that information! By the time you leave the doctor's office you've got three new diseases to worry about. The ophthalmologist wants me twice a year, the dentist quarterly, the chiropractor bi-weekly, the cardiologist bi-monthly. the psychologist will probably just have me move in - I think he calls it being committed. No. it's the church that's wants me committed. Now I am confused. Anyway, I've used all of my family sickness time for car repairs, so what am I going to do.
I like the way the Tams sang it:
Be young, be foolish, but be Happ-y-y - ooh-ooh-oooh-o0h-ooh-ooh-ooh!
I'm gonna moon-walk on outta here! Good night!!
I missed you. I had to go to the doctor today cause...
I was feelin' . . . so bad,
I asked my family doctor just what I had,
I said, "Doctor, . . . (Doctor-r)
Mr. M.D., . . . (Doctor-r . .)
Now can you tell me, (tell me, tell me)
What's ailin' me?" (Doctor-r . .)
He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Yes, indeed, all you really need . . .(Is good lovin')
Gimme that good, good lovin . . .(Good lovin')
All I need is lovin' . . .(Good lovin')
Good lovin', baby.
(compliments of the Young Rascals- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH3JxK )
Oh, if it were only that simple. Actually, I've been doing fine, thank you. It's just that my blood sugar and cholesterol does not meet government conformance. Nor does my triglycerides. I thought they were putting that in the water now, so you didn't have to worry about it. I joke, but you know it's coming - and sooner than you think. If your blood pressure is too high, they're gonna tax you. If you smoke, they're gonna tax you. If you drink, might as well get extra happy, cause they're gonna tax you! If you're too fat, better lose weight cause, they're gonna tax you. I am not fat, I'm just a little too short for my weight. Old joke, but my doctor's old, so it might work. If you're short, may as well move to Japan. My regular doctor was not there so I had to see an irregular one. He's not so laid back. Dr' Nicefellow, my regular Dr, said don't worry about exercise, or cholesterol, or salt. Just try to loose some weight and see if that works! I like that. He said running from potatos (help me Quayle). and bread and rice is all the exercise you need. Dr Tv Doctor said, I should get a will, see an ophthalmologist, get a follow up ekg, start taking gravestat and become an exercise fool. I've got the fool part down pretty good! Actually he said I didn't have to exercise on the days that start with vowels. I thought he said bowels, which would be most every day, but unfortunately it was vowels. Please help me think of some. There's Easter and Arbor day. How about yesterday! I could always not exercise yesterday. but can you not exercise yesterday today or must you wait until tomorrow and not do it? I need more vowel days. Can I buy a vowel?? Oh, and the gravestat, that's for when you feel like you've got one foot in the grave, it helps you get the other one in. It's one of those drugs from the Stat family. You know they have their own Island, Staten Island. Same family. They created monostat for loneliness, fatastat for weight control, ratastat for pest control and thermostat for cold feet. I made up that last one. Ha, ha:)
I arrived 2 minutes early for my appointment. I had to pay a $25 co-pay and got way more than I bargained for or actually wanted. I sat down and began looking thru the magazines. I passed over the self-help rags because - well.... Then I found the LARGE PRINT Readers Digest. Perfect! But before I could find the joke page, I was called back. I knew something was wrong, because I usually wait a minimum 30 minutes. I hear that Dr' Nicefellow is not here yet. Man, this Doctor TV Doctor really knows how to clear out a waiting room. The paramedics came and got one patient. I heard something about not being able to find his tonsil scratchers. I call him Dr TV Doctor, because if he had a bubble over his head, it would say " I'm not a real doctor, but I play one in real life". Anyway, nurse (Ma) Kettle comes and wants me to take my shirt off and starts asking me about the beach and travel. She takes my blood pressure, looks in my mouth, nose, ears and eyes. Then she rolls in this cart and starts sticking these little patches all over. She takes my ekg. All for twenty five dollars! I figure there must be a catch, like I have to subscribe to eleven magazines. Mind you the door was closed and there was no male present, so I think I could sue. Then Dr TV Dr comes in and Nurse Kettle leaves. He says I can put my shirt back on and remove everything else - except my tighty whities. Now you know! Now I made sure that I had clean underwear and that it had no holes except where it should have holes. Wow! At least something had gone right! He did the knee jerk test, the foot jerk test and the arm jerk test. He did a front end alignment and then the worst exam a man could have. All without the presence of a female!! The rear end lubrication. I asked if I would be able to play the piano after this? Because I always wanted to. Well, I haven't tried the piano, but I instantly attained the ability to dance like Michael Jackson, God rest his soul. Why do we say this? When you die, your soul is at rest or it is not. I hope many of his fans will become believers. So then I do the moon walk down the hall to the receptionist desk. That's after redressing, underwear on the inside, pants on the outside, like regular people! Now here's the thing. there is a double standard! If I had breasts, I would know how to self examine them! Everyone does! So you don't have to go thru the embarrassment of having someone else do it. So, why don't they teach men, because I believe you could do that yourself! If you know your you-know-what from a hole in the ground, you can do it! Hope you've already eaten your supper. Sorry. They have a little tv in the exam room. It doesn't get Melrose Place or Leave it to Beaver or even Dr. Kildare. Oh, don't remind me! It has fifteen channels all about diseases you might have. They've already asked me about diseases my relatives might have. Don't put your ailments on facebook, because the government collects that information! By the time you leave the doctor's office you've got three new diseases to worry about. The ophthalmologist wants me twice a year, the dentist quarterly, the chiropractor bi-weekly, the cardiologist bi-monthly. the psychologist will probably just have me move in - I think he calls it being committed. No. it's the church that's wants me committed. Now I am confused. Anyway, I've used all of my family sickness time for car repairs, so what am I going to do.
I like the way the Tams sang it:
Be young, be foolish, but be Happ-y-y - ooh-ooh-oooh-o0h-ooh-ooh-ooh!
I'm gonna moon-walk on outta here! Good night!!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
All I Need Is Duck Tape!
Hello Friends,
All I need is duck tape! That's all I need! And WD-40. I need duck tape and wd-40 and that's ALL I need! I need garlic. Duck tape, WD-40 and garlic and that's it! I don't need anything else. You can have everything! I need duck tape, WD-40, and garlic - - and cayenne pepper. Ok, it's a rip off of Steve Martin in The Jerk, where he and his wife are splitting and as he leaves the house, he proclaims "All I need is this ashtray. then the lamp, then the chair and he ends up with this huge useless pile of junk that he's trying to carry with him.
In the olden days, the boaring nineties, duck tape and WD-40 would fix near about anything. It was once believed that you could repair the rift between Israel and Palestine with duck tape. Bytheway, I know it's really duct tape, but duck tape is more funny! If you display a stack of duck tape next to a stack of duct tape, the duck tape will outsell by 10 to 1. The one guy with the pencil behind his ear and the hammer in his belt loop and the homemade duct tape suspenders will insist on the "real thing". I bought the "real thing" recently and it was chrome plated and it peeled off this wax paper looking stuff and it was a "real pain". Just give me the duck tape. A large white duck waddles into the drug store, picks up some chap-stick and proceeds to the counter. The cashier rings up the purchase and looks inquisitively at the duck and the duck quacks out, "Just put in on my bill". Start sending me money and I'll get better jokes. Sigh!! How do you read sigh? Do you just say si or what? Maybe I should write, Sheesh! But I've never seen that in print either, or plaid for that matter. Still today, back to the subject, I'll bet you forgot didn't you. If you were smart you'd quit now while you're ahead, because the further you go the more behind you get and most of us have plenty of that! Ah, the subject, still today, engineers are devising a mathematical, astronomical, bio-degradable blueprint of a plan to plot a course of flight around the circumference of planet earth and while orbiting this spherical boxing ring, pulling behind it, a giant roll of green duck tape which would encompass Israel, Palestine, Nuban and all other regions adjacent, but not congruent with the proximities of the afore mentioned real estate albeit forthwith. Wait! lest you poke out your own eye in disbelief! This duck tape is perforated and in the little perforations are seeds of peaches, pomegranates and pistachio plus ordinary Kentucky 31 Fescue. When watered by the Euphrates Lake (because they're going to dam it up so they can all water ski and do fun, peace loving stuff like that) the seeds will flourish making this the most prolific, peach, pomegranate and pistachio perforated peace project ever pontificated!
Here are 5 new uses for duck tape:
1. Duck Tape all of the congressman, congresswomen and congress-freaks to their congressional seats until they balance the national budget. Feed them all of the fried chicken, baked beans and sweet iced tea they want, but no potty breaks unless that budget is Even-Steven.
2. Duck Tape Tummy Tuck. Start wrapping yourself in duck tape just below the armpits and keep circling the old wagon, slightly overlapping with each pass until you reach the Ponderosa. If they are a member of congress, start another layer beginning at the armpit and continue upward until past the verbal exhaust system. I'm a firm believer in "What you don't say, can't hurt you".
3. Duck Tape underwear for baseball players. This would solve the problem of equipment adjustments in the field. A long hot bath is recommended after the game.. Perhaps some WD-40 would aid in removal.
4. Double sided duck tape for your bird feeder pole. Squirrels get stuck on the duck tape. After a day or so baste the squirrel with a generous amount of WD-40 and cayenne pepper. Grill on each side for 10 minutes, or if temperature is 98 or above, just leave him on the pole for an extra 30 minutes, or until crisp!
5. (I know, each one is better than the next) Duck tape dashboard. Apply double-sided duck tape to your car's dashboard and who needs cup holders?! Stick your cell phone, brush, lipstick etc to the dashboard. Also duck tape seat belts. Rowdier little people may be duck taped to the car's exterior.
WD-40 is a fascinating product! The WD is for water displacement. My wife got excited because she thought it was Walter displacement. She kept massaging me with this stuff, until I realized what she was trying to do. Then she gave me WD pills. They are marketed as fish oil (the main ingredient for WD-40), not to be confused with fish emulsifiers. Fish emulsifiers are the little gray-brown globules you see in your fish bowl - fish poop. Good name for a rock band. Fish emulsifiers are the latest in hair care products.Why can't it be hair cair or hare care? DON'T CAIR! The 40 in WD-40 indicates the 40th attempt to concoct this formula. They could have stopped at WD-22, but ir would have only had 39 uses and they really wanted 101. Of course there are more than that now. For instance, it can be used as a laxative. Did you know that anything that works for a laxative can also be used to keep your toilet clean?? Makes sense! Now I'm not recommending playing Oprah for your toilet! Pepto Bismal works well, but who wants a hot pink toilet. It makes you dizzy. Also, you can refill your automatic shower cleaner with WD-40. Then you can remove the warning: NOT A BODY WASH. Some fool must have tried it. That goes near the top of the list of lame excuses for missing work. Just use fish emulsifiers for hare conditioner and they'll SEND you home. Put two sided duck tape on the top of your surf board and WD-40 on the under-side. Coat those hard to swallow pills with WD-40. Kick PAM out of the kitchen, unless she's your wife. Coat your frying pan with WD-40. Put PAM in the toilet - unless she's your wife. You know the difference between someone who says toilet and someone who says commode. About 30 years! Know how to say toilet in Spanish? In case you're ever in Spain. Mexico or Forest Park and need one, it's "bano". Here it is in a sentence.
Apparently there is a masculine and feminine for sol0 in Spanish. Mi casa solo - home alone.
Got me thinking about SOHO, because there's one in New York. Japan and Great Brittain. About New york - SoHo is a neighborhood in the New York City borough of Manhattan. Originally associated with the arts, it has since become famous for both destination shopping and its downtown scene. The name is a blend of "South" and "Houston" from "south of Houston Street." Its name is the model for other new neighborhood acronyms in New York City, such as NoHo, for North of Houston Street, TriBeCa (Triangle Below Canal Street), Nolita (North of Little Italy), and DUMBO (Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass).
Perhaps Atlanta should "get hip". We could have NOPE - NOrth of PEachtree, SOPE - SOuth of PEachtree and DOPE - Down On Peachtree.. LIFI-Little Five Points. NOGO-75/85 Rush Hour.
I'm gonna take some WD-40 and slide on outtahere!
Have a nice weekend y'all!
Well get Garlic and Ceyanne Pepper later!
All I need is duck tape! That's all I need! And WD-40. I need duck tape and wd-40 and that's ALL I need! I need garlic. Duck tape, WD-40 and garlic and that's it! I don't need anything else. You can have everything! I need duck tape, WD-40, and garlic - - and cayenne pepper. Ok, it's a rip off of Steve Martin in The Jerk, where he and his wife are splitting and as he leaves the house, he proclaims "All I need is this ashtray. then the lamp, then the chair and he ends up with this huge useless pile of junk that he's trying to carry with him.
In the olden days, the boaring nineties, duck tape and WD-40 would fix near about anything. It was once believed that you could repair the rift between Israel and Palestine with duck tape. Bytheway, I know it's really duct tape, but duck tape is more funny! If you display a stack of duck tape next to a stack of duct tape, the duck tape will outsell by 10 to 1. The one guy with the pencil behind his ear and the hammer in his belt loop and the homemade duct tape suspenders will insist on the "real thing". I bought the "real thing" recently and it was chrome plated and it peeled off this wax paper looking stuff and it was a "real pain". Just give me the duck tape. A large white duck waddles into the drug store, picks up some chap-stick and proceeds to the counter. The cashier rings up the purchase and looks inquisitively at the duck and the duck quacks out, "Just put in on my bill". Start sending me money and I'll get better jokes. Sigh!! How do you read sigh? Do you just say si or what? Maybe I should write, Sheesh! But I've never seen that in print either, or plaid for that matter. Still today, back to the subject, I'll bet you forgot didn't you. If you were smart you'd quit now while you're ahead, because the further you go the more behind you get and most of us have plenty of that! Ah, the subject, still today, engineers are devising a mathematical, astronomical, bio-degradable blueprint of a plan to plot a course of flight around the circumference of planet earth and while orbiting this spherical boxing ring, pulling behind it, a giant roll of green duck tape which would encompass Israel, Palestine, Nuban and all other regions adjacent, but not congruent with the proximities of the afore mentioned real estate albeit forthwith. Wait! lest you poke out your own eye in disbelief! This duck tape is perforated and in the little perforations are seeds of peaches, pomegranates and pistachio plus ordinary Kentucky 31 Fescue. When watered by the Euphrates Lake (because they're going to dam it up so they can all water ski and do fun, peace loving stuff like that) the seeds will flourish making this the most prolific, peach, pomegranate and pistachio perforated peace project ever pontificated!
Here are 5 new uses for duck tape:
1. Duck Tape all of the congressman, congresswomen and congress-freaks to their congressional seats until they balance the national budget. Feed them all of the fried chicken, baked beans and sweet iced tea they want, but no potty breaks unless that budget is Even-Steven.
2. Duck Tape Tummy Tuck. Start wrapping yourself in duck tape just below the armpits and keep circling the old wagon, slightly overlapping with each pass until you reach the Ponderosa. If they are a member of congress, start another layer beginning at the armpit and continue upward until past the verbal exhaust system. I'm a firm believer in "What you don't say, can't hurt you".
3. Duck Tape underwear for baseball players. This would solve the problem of equipment adjustments in the field. A long hot bath is recommended after the game.. Perhaps some WD-40 would aid in removal.
4. Double sided duck tape for your bird feeder pole. Squirrels get stuck on the duck tape. After a day or so baste the squirrel with a generous amount of WD-40 and cayenne pepper. Grill on each side for 10 minutes, or if temperature is 98 or above, just leave him on the pole for an extra 30 minutes, or until crisp!
5. (I know, each one is better than the next) Duck tape dashboard. Apply double-sided duck tape to your car's dashboard and who needs cup holders?! Stick your cell phone, brush, lipstick etc to the dashboard. Also duck tape seat belts. Rowdier little people may be duck taped to the car's exterior.
WD-40 is a fascinating product! The WD is for water displacement. My wife got excited because she thought it was Walter displacement. She kept massaging me with this stuff, until I realized what she was trying to do. Then she gave me WD pills. They are marketed as fish oil (the main ingredient for WD-40), not to be confused with fish emulsifiers. Fish emulsifiers are the little gray-brown globules you see in your fish bowl - fish poop. Good name for a rock band. Fish emulsifiers are the latest in hair care products.Why can't it be hair cair or hare care? DON'T CAIR! The 40 in WD-40 indicates the 40th attempt to concoct this formula. They could have stopped at WD-22, but ir would have only had 39 uses and they really wanted 101. Of course there are more than that now. For instance, it can be used as a laxative. Did you know that anything that works for a laxative can also be used to keep your toilet clean?? Makes sense! Now I'm not recommending playing Oprah for your toilet! Pepto Bismal works well, but who wants a hot pink toilet. It makes you dizzy. Also, you can refill your automatic shower cleaner with WD-40. Then you can remove the warning: NOT A BODY WASH. Some fool must have tried it. That goes near the top of the list of lame excuses for missing work. Just use fish emulsifiers for hare conditioner and they'll SEND you home. Put two sided duck tape on the top of your surf board and WD-40 on the under-side. Coat those hard to swallow pills with WD-40. Kick PAM out of the kitchen, unless she's your wife. Coat your frying pan with WD-40. Put PAM in the toilet - unless she's your wife. You know the difference between someone who says toilet and someone who says commode. About 30 years! Know how to say toilet in Spanish? In case you're ever in Spain. Mexico or Forest Park and need one, it's "bano". Here it is in a sentence.
Is he toilet trained?
¿Va él al baño solo?
Is she toilet trained?
¿Va ella al baño sola?
Or, "Get draino par insano bano (loco comodo)
Or, "Get draino par insano bano (loco comodo)
Got me thinking about SOHO, because there's one in New York. Japan and Great Brittain. About New york - SoHo is a neighborhood in the New York City borough of Manhattan. Originally associated with the arts, it has since become famous for both destination shopping and its downtown scene. The name is a blend of "South" and "Houston" from "south of Houston Street." Its name is the model for other new neighborhood acronyms in New York City, such as NoHo, for North of Houston Street, TriBeCa (Triangle Below Canal Street), Nolita (North of Little Italy), and DUMBO (Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass).
Perhaps Atlanta should "get hip". We could have NOPE - NOrth of PEachtree, SOPE - SOuth of PEachtree and DOPE - Down On Peachtree.. LIFI-Little Five Points. NOGO-75/85 Rush Hour.
I'm gonna take some WD-40 and slide on outtahere!
Have a nice weekend y'all!
Well get Garlic and Ceyanne Pepper later!
TWITTERPATED IN WASHINGTON
Hello friends, curious fellers and fellerettes,
Let me bore you with a little history. When George Washington ran for president, there of course, was no CNN, NBC, or CRAP. He just told his cherry tree story in all of the town squares, saloons and baseball stadiums he could get to. When Honest Abe ran, they had trains, which were originally invented for baseball, so he could cover much more territory. So Mr. Lincoln went everywhere there were train tracks. Could you imagine if the only people that heard the campaign speeches were the ones that went to the airports to see the candidate get off the plane and make a speech. Most of the people never heard the voice of Abraham Lincoln. Radio was originally invented for baseball only. Besides that, by the time all of the votes were in, the president was already delivering his mid-term state of the union address. Things went on like this for another hundred and fifty years or so, it's not important, until the 1930's when a new invention changed the world! Tom Edison was working on a miraculous serum that would cure TB. Only the patent office mistranscribed the title of the project as TV. So, instead, Tommy went to work on inventing the TV. It was originally designed for baseball. For 17 years baseball was broadcast on TV, but there were no sets to watch TV on and they couldn't figure out how to get the pictures to go thru the wires and come out on the other end. By 1947, they had discovered AIR and started broadcasting over the Air. Also they started broadcasting live. It cost more, but dead actors were less convincing. During the off season, they showed I Love Lucy and the Honeymooners and Lost. Finally in 1959, they ran out of TV shows and starting showing campaign speeches. John Kennedy and Richard Nixon were the first candidates to square off on live TV. Of course Nixon lost, due to that 5 o'clock shadow which regularly showed up at 9 a.m.. This never mattered on radio. In 1968 Richard Nixon ran again, seeing that no Kennedy's were running and Hubert Humphrey looked more like the Pillsbury dough boy. Tricky Richard ran on the sock-it-to-me platform and ran ads on the Laugh-In TV show. He captured the young vote by "appearing" to be cool and saying things like "Sock it to me" or "You bet your bippy", with all of the enthusiasm of a dry fish. . By the 90's Bill-can't define "IT", can't control "IT" Clinton ran for office on the nightclub circuit, proving if you hang out and play saxophone with the boys you can get the young vote. John Kerry tried to run a "you tube" campaign. If he had his own reality show he might have been elected. instead, he was voted, most likely to be Gilligan on the S.S. Minnow. That brings us somewhat up to date.
Finally Barbara Walters can retire! The really with-it politicians are on Twitter! If you don't know what Twitter is, let me explain. It was originally designed for baseball, but may be used to determine the MVP, (most votable politician). .TIME OUT. Once again,friends, I've put my foot in something without really checking to see what it is. The president and some other high muckety mucks are now on Twitter. I assumed you could go online and converse with the "Little "o"". Sorry, Otis (Redding) will always be the Big "O". I'm sure the little "o" would mind . I checked his Twitter page and I'm convinced he does not monitor this. He's probably not reading my blog, as a few others are choosing not to do. Their loss, not mine. Ooops, I got that backwards!.This is very Twitterpating! Actually, it's not, because this word Twitterpated, was coined by Wise Friend Owl in the Bambi movie as he/she explained that everybody gets Twitterpated in the spring. It's a euphemism for falling in love, which is a euphemism for baseball, which is a - whole nuther post. Of course Thumper, the rabbit, is the first to proclaim, "Not me!" Flower, the skunk was not interested either, at least for a minute. Did you know there was a dark version of Bambi? With more dark characters? There was a groundhog, a porcupine and Ronno who tried to take Bambi away from Thunder! So frustrated is more the word. There are a zillion personal questions on the little "O's" Twitter, but zilcho answers. All you get are links to articles. I'm going to his facebook to see what's up! I believe in 2012 or certainly 2016, we will be voting thru Twitter. Do you know they are gathering polling data right now, thru the 5 things applications or the which____are you on facebook. And the "likes this" queue. Of course! What did YOU think it was for?? Things like which of the seven dwarfs are you.Which Our Gang (Little Rascals) member are you? Which Beatle? Which candy bar are you? They base their demographics on all that. By the way all of the Seven Dwarfs are conservatives and the Smurfs are liberals. Sarah Palin is Snow White. And I am a Peter Paul, Mounds/Almond Joy, because "sometimes I feel like a nut - sometimes I don't".
I believe we need to stop vetting and start vamping! Vamping and revamping! No one ever explained vetting. By the time I figured it out, all of the vetting was done and I was still wondering just how fast does John Edward's hair grow and whose side is Joe Biden on?? I think we should have several co-presidents. It's too much to expect one person to make the decisions in all areas for the whole nation. Let's have a Grand Poobah for finance, a Grand Potentate for social isues, a Grand Musketeer for Defense and while he's at it build de fence across de Mexican border. You get de idea? And of course they need a round table to co-ordinate these efforts. They could work evenings, making the "Nights of the Round Table" a monthly affair. Sorry, I should never mention affairs and politics in the same state.
I hope this clears things up for you. If not, let me know. I'll post your complaint on Twitter!
Good night all!!
Let me bore you with a little history. When George Washington ran for president, there of course, was no CNN, NBC, or CRAP. He just told his cherry tree story in all of the town squares, saloons and baseball stadiums he could get to. When Honest Abe ran, they had trains, which were originally invented for baseball, so he could cover much more territory. So Mr. Lincoln went everywhere there were train tracks. Could you imagine if the only people that heard the campaign speeches were the ones that went to the airports to see the candidate get off the plane and make a speech. Most of the people never heard the voice of Abraham Lincoln. Radio was originally invented for baseball only. Besides that, by the time all of the votes were in, the president was already delivering his mid-term state of the union address. Things went on like this for another hundred and fifty years or so, it's not important, until the 1930's when a new invention changed the world! Tom Edison was working on a miraculous serum that would cure TB. Only the patent office mistranscribed the title of the project as TV. So, instead, Tommy went to work on inventing the TV. It was originally designed for baseball. For 17 years baseball was broadcast on TV, but there were no sets to watch TV on and they couldn't figure out how to get the pictures to go thru the wires and come out on the other end. By 1947, they had discovered AIR and started broadcasting over the Air. Also they started broadcasting live. It cost more, but dead actors were less convincing. During the off season, they showed I Love Lucy and the Honeymooners and Lost. Finally in 1959, they ran out of TV shows and starting showing campaign speeches. John Kennedy and Richard Nixon were the first candidates to square off on live TV. Of course Nixon lost, due to that 5 o'clock shadow which regularly showed up at 9 a.m.. This never mattered on radio. In 1968 Richard Nixon ran again, seeing that no Kennedy's were running and Hubert Humphrey looked more like the Pillsbury dough boy. Tricky Richard ran on the sock-it-to-me platform and ran ads on the Laugh-In TV show. He captured the young vote by "appearing" to be cool and saying things like "Sock it to me" or "You bet your bippy", with all of the enthusiasm of a dry fish. . By the 90's Bill-can't define "IT", can't control "IT" Clinton ran for office on the nightclub circuit, proving if you hang out and play saxophone with the boys you can get the young vote. John Kerry tried to run a "you tube" campaign. If he had his own reality show he might have been elected. instead, he was voted, most likely to be Gilligan on the S.S. Minnow. That brings us somewhat up to date.
Finally Barbara Walters can retire! The really with-it politicians are on Twitter! If you don't know what Twitter is, let me explain. It was originally designed for baseball, but may be used to determine the MVP, (most votable politician). .TIME OUT. Once again,friends, I've put my foot in something without really checking to see what it is. The president and some other high muckety mucks are now on Twitter. I assumed you could go online and converse with the "Little "o"". Sorry, Otis (Redding) will always be the Big "O". I'm sure the little "o" would mind . I checked his Twitter page and I'm convinced he does not monitor this. He's probably not reading my blog, as a few others are choosing not to do. Their loss, not mine. Ooops, I got that backwards!.This is very Twitterpating! Actually, it's not, because this word Twitterpated, was coined by Wise Friend Owl in the Bambi movie as he/she explained that everybody gets Twitterpated in the spring. It's a euphemism for falling in love, which is a euphemism for baseball, which is a - whole nuther post. Of course Thumper, the rabbit, is the first to proclaim, "Not me!" Flower, the skunk was not interested either, at least for a minute. Did you know there was a dark version of Bambi? With more dark characters? There was a groundhog, a porcupine and Ronno who tried to take Bambi away from Thunder! So frustrated is more the word. There are a zillion personal questions on the little "O's" Twitter, but zilcho answers. All you get are links to articles. I'm going to his facebook to see what's up! I believe in 2012 or certainly 2016, we will be voting thru Twitter. Do you know they are gathering polling data right now, thru the 5 things applications or the which____are you on facebook. And the "likes this" queue. Of course! What did YOU think it was for?? Things like which of the seven dwarfs are you.Which Our Gang (Little Rascals) member are you? Which Beatle? Which candy bar are you? They base their demographics on all that. By the way all of the Seven Dwarfs are conservatives and the Smurfs are liberals. Sarah Palin is Snow White. And I am a Peter Paul, Mounds/Almond Joy, because "sometimes I feel like a nut - sometimes I don't".
I believe we need to stop vetting and start vamping! Vamping and revamping! No one ever explained vetting. By the time I figured it out, all of the vetting was done and I was still wondering just how fast does John Edward's hair grow and whose side is Joe Biden on?? I think we should have several co-presidents. It's too much to expect one person to make the decisions in all areas for the whole nation. Let's have a Grand Poobah for finance, a Grand Potentate for social isues, a Grand Musketeer for Defense and while he's at it build de fence across de Mexican border. You get de idea? And of course they need a round table to co-ordinate these efforts. They could work evenings, making the "Nights of the Round Table" a monthly affair. Sorry, I should never mention affairs and politics in the same state.
I hope this clears things up for you. If not, let me know. I'll post your complaint on Twitter!
Good night all!!
Monday, June 8, 2009
HANDLE MAN !!
DISCLAIMER!! This is not a joke! Everything below this might be, but this is not. There is, hopefully only was, an ad to the right with the "naibsel" word in it. Please read that backwards. I don't know how I have attracted this kind of ad, but my name is Walt Lewis and I DO NOT approve of this ad!
Now please enjoy the rest of this post! - Thank you!
Hello dear friends,
Hey girls, gather 'round,
and listen to what I'm putting down.
I fix broken hearts,
Hey, I'm your Handle Man.
I'm feeling pretty good because I just got a letter from my favorite magazine! Handle Man! I hope there's nothing derogatory about "Handle Man" because I just made it up to describe myself! You see, not to brag on myself, well I guess I am the one writing aren't I? In the interest of you getting to know me better, I will humbly share the upcoming remarks.
Handle Man is not a super hero, but if he were, he "WOOD" make a great one. He can take an ordinary pile of lumber and cut, carve and shape it into a work of Art. I wish, just for now, my name was Art. Just for a sentence or two. Actually, I used to work with Art. People were confusing us all of the time. Even when he moved to another office in another city. Could it be because Art and Walt are both short one syllable names ending with the letter "T"? Or we're both handsome, virile and witty? Or because we're both white guys in our 50's working in the same department. Or, are people so dull of intellect, that they can't tell one bald headed white guy from another. I tell them Art is the red-headed-bald-headed guy and I'm the brown-headed-bald-headed guy. But in the end I guess we all look alike. Anyhow, Oui, received a letter in the mail and I will reprint part of it, because otherwise, some of you, the ones who know me, wouldn't believe it! Don't believe it anyway? Sorry, if you want to commit the sin of unbelief, I can't help that! Here's the first paragraph of this epistle, with very little changed. Mainly, the names of the foolish will be changed, to protect the writer.
Dear Life member elect - Walt Lewis
There is a reason YOU have been nominated - among hundreds of thousands of members - for Life Membership in the Handleman Club of America. It's a reward reserved only for our most active, passionate members who bring the most value to the CLUB.
Let's analyze this now. I was chosen. I always wondered what it would be like to be Jewish, but I like bacon too much! I was chosen out of hundreds of thousands of other members and a few other guys, because I am one of the most active. Now my personality profile says I'm phlegmatic, not like the old Plymouth phlegmatic transmission. Phlegmatic, like hard to wake up, or hard to tell if awake. If it were a competition between me and wood, I guess on two out of three, I'd win. Because I am more active than wood! As to passionate, well, just ask my wife and six kids!
But they want me! They want me alright! And why not?! Stop laughing and consider this. By the way. Did you get a letter? I thought not! You have to send money and get accepted as a member. Listen to what else they said, with very little added or removed.
Life members are literally the life blood of the CLUB, an elite. group of our most active, skilled and dedicated members. You are the Navy Seals of woodworking. When wood needs cutting, YOU CUT IT!!
still quoting "Here's the part of my job I like best, sharing terrific tools, practical advice and new equipment with some of the CLUB's most accomplished and talented handlemen!" This puzzles me a little, because I don't know who anominated me, or is it just nominated. It irritates me when people say notate instead on note. I'll notate your account. I'll votate for John McCain. I'll rotate your tires. Oh, that one's okay. But be careful which words you use. It could mean the difference in being castrated or simply being a person who rhymes with custard! Take for instance, the words below:
Nominate - to suggest one's name as a candidate for some office or duty or honor
Anominate_ used in many websites instead of nominate, but never defined.
Innominate - having no name
Inanimate - having no physical motion
Castrate - having no -
Seriously, when you look up innominate online you will see articles, uh websites about castration. So be careful!!
So, I wondered who nominated me. Could it be someone who was aware of my amazing ability to take raw wood and make it look like raw wood cut and nailed together? Maybe they had seen my bird houses or dog houses. The dogs never complained. One used to do his business inside and sleep outside. I suppose he was a little inhibited. Perhaps they knew of my skilled joinery, the pineapple carvings and dove-tail joints! But that was a long time ago, when we hung out at the Dovetail joints in Underground Atlanta.
Oh who cares!? Look at all of the benefits, besides the ego massage! They're going to give me a lifetime membership in the CLUB! Plus..Plus, $1,300.00 in gifts and benefits! Read that with your best game show host voice! Over $1,300.00 in gifts and benefits! These include, all FREE:
TOUGHTEST 24 PIECE CARBIDE-TIPPED ROUTER BIT SET - wow!! IT DOES EVERTHING! It shapes, it edges, it profiles, it stirs pancake batter.
TOUGHTEST 7 PIECE CHISEL SET WHAT DOES IT DO?? It chisels, it does joinery, mortises, it delivers clean results, it's a backscratcher!
TOUGHTEST 2 H.P. /15-AMP PLUNGE ROUTER. It's no ordinary router, this one! It plunges! ( which I've always secretly wanted to do.) A less mighty motor might quit long before the next issue, but this one is guaranteed to last for ah, what? Orville, my poof reader just advised, that I not stretch the truth too far. It's likely to still be working when the next issue arrives. That's a grand total of $500.00 in gifts!! So that must mean the other $800.00 are in benefits, meaning things you can't actually use, like being accepted into the Club, getting future products to test, like the carpenter's pencil and the plastic protractor and the little stickers and key chains and stuff. Oh yeah don't forget the Handleman Belt Buckle and official Handleman Hat. The real value is the Lifetime Membership. And the cost is so small. It's only gonna cost S320.04! Now here's the hard to resist part, if I die before 20 years, my descendants can inherit my subscription for the unused portion!. How could I say no? No, to all of the hats, pencils, stickers, belt buckle, decals, key rings, stationery logos and that monthly rag !
WOOD you believe I'm going to say No? Because I just remembered, they might have me confused with Art!
Anyway, how's this for woods craftmanship?
Woodn't it be nice if we were older,
Then we woodn't have to wait so long.
And woodn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong.
You know it's gonna make it that much better,
When we can say good night - Whoops! It's 11:30 - Good night!
Now please enjoy the rest of this post! - Thank you!
Hello dear friends,
Hey girls, gather 'round,
and listen to what I'm putting down.
I fix broken hearts,
Hey, I'm your Handle Man.
I'm feeling pretty good because I just got a letter from my favorite magazine! Handle Man! I hope there's nothing derogatory about "Handle Man" because I just made it up to describe myself! You see, not to brag on myself, well I guess I am the one writing aren't I? In the interest of you getting to know me better, I will humbly share the upcoming remarks.
Handle Man is not a super hero, but if he were, he "WOOD" make a great one. He can take an ordinary pile of lumber and cut, carve and shape it into a work of Art. I wish, just for now, my name was Art. Just for a sentence or two. Actually, I used to work with Art. People were confusing us all of the time. Even when he moved to another office in another city. Could it be because Art and Walt are both short one syllable names ending with the letter "T"? Or we're both handsome, virile and witty? Or because we're both white guys in our 50's working in the same department. Or, are people so dull of intellect, that they can't tell one bald headed white guy from another. I tell them Art is the red-headed-bald-headed guy and I'm the brown-headed-bald-headed guy. But in the end I guess we all look alike. Anyhow, Oui, received a letter in the mail and I will reprint part of it, because otherwise, some of you, the ones who know me, wouldn't believe it! Don't believe it anyway? Sorry, if you want to commit the sin of unbelief, I can't help that! Here's the first paragraph of this epistle, with very little changed. Mainly, the names of the foolish will be changed, to protect the writer.
Dear Life member elect - Walt Lewis
There is a reason YOU have been nominated - among hundreds of thousands of members - for Life Membership in the Handleman Club of America. It's a reward reserved only for our most active, passionate members who bring the most value to the CLUB.
Let's analyze this now. I was chosen. I always wondered what it would be like to be Jewish, but I like bacon too much! I was chosen out of hundreds of thousands of other members and a few other guys, because I am one of the most active. Now my personality profile says I'm phlegmatic, not like the old Plymouth phlegmatic transmission. Phlegmatic, like hard to wake up, or hard to tell if awake. If it were a competition between me and wood, I guess on two out of three, I'd win. Because I am more active than wood! As to passionate, well, just ask my wife and six kids!
But they want me! They want me alright! And why not?! Stop laughing and consider this. By the way. Did you get a letter? I thought not! You have to send money and get accepted as a member. Listen to what else they said, with very little added or removed.
Life members are literally the life blood of the CLUB, an elite. group of our most active, skilled and dedicated members. You are the Navy Seals of woodworking. When wood needs cutting, YOU CUT IT!!
still quoting "Here's the part of my job I like best, sharing terrific tools, practical advice and new equipment with some of the CLUB's most accomplished and talented handlemen!" This puzzles me a little, because I don't know who anominated me, or is it just nominated. It irritates me when people say notate instead on note. I'll notate your account. I'll votate for John McCain. I'll rotate your tires. Oh, that one's okay. But be careful which words you use. It could mean the difference in being castrated or simply being a person who rhymes with custard! Take for instance, the words below:
Nominate - to suggest one's name as a candidate for some office or duty or honor
Anominate_ used in many websites instead of nominate, but never defined.
Innominate - having no name
Inanimate - having no physical motion
Castrate - having no -
Seriously, when you look up innominate online you will see articles, uh websites about castration. So be careful!!
So, I wondered who nominated me. Could it be someone who was aware of my amazing ability to take raw wood and make it look like raw wood cut and nailed together? Maybe they had seen my bird houses or dog houses. The dogs never complained. One used to do his business inside and sleep outside. I suppose he was a little inhibited. Perhaps they knew of my skilled joinery, the pineapple carvings and dove-tail joints! But that was a long time ago, when we hung out at the Dovetail joints in Underground Atlanta.
Oh who cares!? Look at all of the benefits, besides the ego massage! They're going to give me a lifetime membership in the CLUB! Plus..Plus, $1,300.00 in gifts and benefits! Read that with your best game show host voice! Over $1,300.00 in gifts and benefits! These include, all FREE:
TOUGHTEST 24 PIECE CARBIDE-TIPPED ROUTER BIT SET - wow!! IT DOES EVERTHING! It shapes, it edges, it profiles, it stirs pancake batter.
TOUGHTEST 7 PIECE CHISEL SET WHAT DOES IT DO?? It chisels, it does joinery, mortises, it delivers clean results, it's a backscratcher!
TOUGHTEST 2 H.P. /15-AMP PLUNGE ROUTER. It's no ordinary router, this one! It plunges! ( which I've always secretly wanted to do.) A less mighty motor might quit long before the next issue, but this one is guaranteed to last for ah, what? Orville, my poof reader just advised, that I not stretch the truth too far. It's likely to still be working when the next issue arrives. That's a grand total of $500.00 in gifts!! So that must mean the other $800.00 are in benefits, meaning things you can't actually use, like being accepted into the Club, getting future products to test, like the carpenter's pencil and the plastic protractor and the little stickers and key chains and stuff. Oh yeah don't forget the Handleman Belt Buckle and official Handleman Hat. The real value is the Lifetime Membership. And the cost is so small. It's only gonna cost S320.04! Now here's the hard to resist part, if I die before 20 years, my descendants can inherit my subscription for the unused portion!. How could I say no? No, to all of the hats, pencils, stickers, belt buckle, decals, key rings, stationery logos and that monthly rag !
WOOD you believe I'm going to say No? Because I just remembered, they might have me confused with Art!
Anyway, how's this for woods craftmanship?
Woodn't it be nice if we were older,
Then we woodn't have to wait so long.
And woodn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong.
You know it's gonna make it that much better,
When we can say good night - Whoops! It's 11:30 - Good night!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Cuban Nuban
I am having an identity crisis, that is, I would if I had one! I looked up myself or should I say looked myself up on the internet, just to see what I was like. I WAS EVERYWHERE. Walter Lewis M.D., Walter Lewis -Pulitzer Prize winning Poet, Walter Lewis-Philosopher, Walter Lewis-Football Star, illustrious Senator, Hop-Scotch Olympian, but none of them were really me! I am Walter Lewis-Cuban Nuban. Cuban, because I work in a 6 by 6 foot cube and if you just count walking around space, it's a 3 by 4 foot cube. therefore, I am a Cuban. Now my chair takes up 9 square feet, so that leaves 3 square feet around the edges. If I want to pace the floor, it's about like doing laps in a bath tub! Nuban is a tiny island on the back-side of Saudi Arabia to the left of India. It's on the part of the map you never look at. It's at the bottom end of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, if my geography is correct, but you should check. It's where they flush everything out. I guess I am actually a Nubanan. Actually I'm not, because I've never been there, but it seems like an insignificant place where I should be from. With all of the other Walter Lewie's out there, I just feel so small. I could change my blog name to something more unique, like Ignat Kablowski. I looked it up on internet and they said, "Did you mean Ignatz Kablovski?" so I clicked on that. The message came back, "sorry there is no such thing - Are you from Nuban or something?" So now the internet is laughing at me.
Here's a musical interlude.
WORM EATIN' BLUES
Well I guess that's the way it was meant to be.
Cause nobody's paying attention to me.
Suppose I'll go in a corner and eat my worms.
But I'm gonna show 'em all one day.
I'm gonna load up my old Chevrolet
I'll leave this town and I won't never look back!
I'm gonna find me a town where the streets are clean.
And people are the friendliest you ever seen
I'll put down roots and play the games people play.
I'll be a model citizen - pay my bills on time.
Go to church on Sundays and never whine.
I just know I'll be a regular Jean ValJean one day.
Well I been there a couple of weeks alright.
Met a few neighbors, nearly got in a fight.
They say I talk funny and what ya doin here anyway?
Said I might settle down and that upset them so.
That I packed my bags and decided to go.
Cause-- Anonymity ain't all that bad!
If this ever gets down to the people of Nuban, We love you. Keep doing what your doing where you're doing it.
Good night!
Here's a musical interlude.
WORM EATIN' BLUES
Well I guess that's the way it was meant to be.
Cause nobody's paying attention to me.
Suppose I'll go in a corner and eat my worms.
But I'm gonna show 'em all one day.
I'm gonna load up my old Chevrolet
I'll leave this town and I won't never look back!
I'm gonna find me a town where the streets are clean.
And people are the friendliest you ever seen
I'll put down roots and play the games people play.
I'll be a model citizen - pay my bills on time.
Go to church on Sundays and never whine.
I just know I'll be a regular Jean ValJean one day.
Well I been there a couple of weeks alright.
Met a few neighbors, nearly got in a fight.
They say I talk funny and what ya doin here anyway?
Said I might settle down and that upset them so.
That I packed my bags and decided to go.
Cause-- Anonymity ain't all that bad!
If this ever gets down to the people of Nuban, We love you. Keep doing what your doing where you're doing it.
Good night!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
FUNERAL EYES
I went to a wedding the other day and met someone who performs both weddings and funerals. That, got me thinking. There might be enough similarities to encourage the combination of these two social functions, thus scrimulating the ecomony. I can't use "stimulating the economy", because that has already been defined as "driving a Cadillac to the po' house" or "spending like a mouse in a cheese factory". One of the new terms I hear a lot is the word " funeralize", which I suppose is mortuary jargon for the act of standing before the friends and relatives of the decreased one, and fabricating a yarn that if transcribed onto a resume would grant employment with 95% of the Fortune 500 Companies, even though dead! I guess that would be the Fortune 475 Companies. "You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself" - Rick Nelson-Garden Party. This word, as so many, came about quite naturally, as the famed funeral director, Dedon R, Rival was composing "funeral lies" for a late local government muckety muck. When overheard ruminating about funeral lies, he quickly coined the word, funeralize and today, it is used everywhere, coffins are sold..The other new word that comes to mind is "babiotomy". It's actually an old term for the delivery of a new child. Delivery is such a silly term. It's more like retrieval, although, retrieval means to get something back. Extrication might work. But I like the old word created by our grandmothers. They would call the doctor and holler, "Come get this baby out of me". After a while the procedure was shortened to "babiotomy". The other otomies were to follow.
There needed to be a functional term for wedding, so I came up with "weddingization". The act of getting two people of equal but opposite sex to promise all manner of performances which will be carried out about as well as tomatoes grow on corn stalks. Weddings and funerals mark the passage from life to death and death to life. I'll let you decide which is which. Both may begin the same, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God...and other various and strange people who seemed, smelling the food, to have wandered in from the streets." The preacher will say "With this ring I thee wed" or, "With this ring, I pronounce you dead." The circle of life, as Elton John might say, has been completed. And Johnny Cash might say, May the circle be unbroken, by and by, Lord, by and by. Of course Johnny also sang, I fell into a burning ring of far (fire)! This ring represents eternity. The circle has no beginning or end. It is hollow in the middle, like the groom and round on the edges like the bride. The rings are designed with the idea of enabling the jewel thief (sorry when I say jewel, thief just naturally follows - like d___ Yankee) to fuel the ecomony. As long as we have extravagant weddings and luxury funerals, the Lexus and Cadillac dealers will remain in business.
And the flowers! Never was so much spent on something with so short a life expectancy! We hope the marriage will last longer than the flowers. The cadaver, we're pretty sure of, so we just go ahead and bury it. With wedding-funerals, you could split the flowers. The bridal bouquet, once having been thrown to the crowd of unwilling single females, will then be placed on the dead mans chest, yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum! For a tiny surcharge, plus shipping and handling, you can have a catapult, with a timer, to fling the funeral bouquet into the crowd. The catcher is said to be next in line. This goes surprisingly well, since there is a nice discount for the lucky recipient. If you're going anyway, why not save a little moolah.
Now get this. Have you ever looked at caskets. They are so plush! They come in designer colors and materials. You can get an eternal sleep number mattress or a memory foam mattress, although that would be overkill in my opinion, ooops! sorry! And there's my favorite, the water bed coffin. You touch the sleeping one and they begin to wiggle as though they were waking! These coffin mattresses come with a 20 year warranty, but who's checking! The slightly used mattress could then be resold to the wedding couple. Now this 200 pound 6x3x2 foot monstrosity usually cost less than the .5 ounce ring. Now granted, you'll have the ring for life, unless you drop it in the garbage disposal, it falls off in the ocean, or you put it in an envelope and send it to a Gold Broker (abbrev. Go Broke), TV advertiser to see what it's worth. Now what idiot would actually do that?? What did you just put in the mail, honey-bunches? The electric bill, an order for Frontline Flea and Tick Protection, and all our valuable gold. MY GOLD!!?? I'm calling "We Pick'm Up Funeralizers" right now?? I'll have the "Drop Dead" special with 30 minutes same as cash plan and my husband will have the dirt bath! You are about to fulfill our wedding vow - till death do we part. It's incredible! The crooks are getting so lazy, they don't even show up for work. They just mail it in. You know what, instead of me wasting gas and tearing up the environment, why don't you just mail me your stuff.
What I'm working on is a career change. I'm entering the weddingization-funeralization broker business. It will be marketed as WedFun, to lighten things up a little. I'll set up a website just like E-Hermoney and match people who are planning a wedding with those who are planning a funeral. There are some variables inherent in this venture. Say, for instance, you want to get married in 6 months. Don't really "say" it. Just consider it! Some readers! This one reader (not you) - I have to spell everything out for them, because I want no person to be left behind. Actually, I don't care if you're left behind or right behind. I just want your behind to read my blog and click on the ads, so I can make out like a jeweler, er, bandit, and start scrimulating the ecomony myself. How's that for honesty?! No, actually, I'd do this for nothing, which I practically am anyway. Ok, just suppose you want to get married in 6 months. It's a hard-sell to convince someone to expire on the matching date. Now if the incumbent party croaks within 10 days prior to, we can just keep them in the cooler with the flowers. We present that as our photo-op package. But sometimes the nearly departed won't co-operate. Of course we can use the slow-death clause where there is a $100 per day penalty for late withdrawals. To be fair, we pass on $15 per delayed-day to the wedding couple. So, if you're flexible this could be quite lucrative.
We have a variety of music options of which, some are appropriate for both occasions.
1. When the Saints Go Marching In.
2. One "Is the Loneliest Number" - Three Dog Night. It's a tear jerker.
It's just no good anymore since you went away,
Now I spend my time, just making rhythms of yesterday.
Number one is the loneliest, number one is the loneliest, Number one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.
3. I've Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates - Melanie
4. Rose Garden - Joe South (not Lynn Anderson)
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
Along with the sunshine,
There's gotta be a little rain sometimes.
When you take, you gotta give, so live and let live,
Or let go.
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
I could promise you things like big diamond rings,
But you don't find roses growin' on stalks of clover.
So you better think it over.
Well, if sweet-talkin' you could make it come true,
I would give you the world right now on a silver platter,
But what would it matter?
So smile for a while and let's be jolly:
Love shouldn't be so melancholy.
Come along and share the good times while we can.
5. Get Me to the Church on Time - from My fair Lady (I'm Getting Married in the Morning)
alt. lyrics-
I'm getting buried in the morning,
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime.
Next stop is iffy,
But I'm looking spiffy,
So get me to the church, in that coffin made of birch, Just, get me to the church on time!
On a more serious note, I want all of my readers to realize the big differences in weddings and funerals. A wedding is the beginning of a life long commitment that takes work, giving and sacrifice, but the rewards can be great! It all depends on you - and your partner. Death has a lot less variables. You must choose if you want Plan "A" or Plan B. Plan A is where you put your faith in Jesus Christ and trust that his death, burial and resurrection are all you need, to live in heaven forever in a more glorious life than can ever be described. Plan "B" would be the opposite. Plan "B" is anything and everything other than Plan "A". It can be giving money. trying to be practically perfect in every way - like Mary Poppins, starting a Mother Theresa Tribute band, shaving your head and selling flowers at the airport or going to mass eight days a week. Plan "B" always ends up the same. On earth the seemingly Godless man still enjoys the wonders of God's creation, the blue skies, green seas, birds, animals the goodness of his fellow man. But in hell. he will be sequestered away from all of that, to a world completely void of any kindness or beauty, a land of physical and mental torment. You can choose plan A, once and for all and be done with it. Just thought you should know!
Just reply here if you're interested in more details bout the wedding-funeral plans. I'll leave you with this ditty.
If - by David Gates and Bread
....If the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die
I'd spend the end with you, and when the world is through,
Then one by one, the stars would all go out,
Then you and I, would simply fly away.
I hope there's an Orange Julius Smoothie in your future soon! they're goood!
Good night everyone and if you're with your sweetie, give them a kiss for me. No, that would be weird! No, Don't! Really!
There needed to be a functional term for wedding, so I came up with "weddingization". The act of getting two people of equal but opposite sex to promise all manner of performances which will be carried out about as well as tomatoes grow on corn stalks. Weddings and funerals mark the passage from life to death and death to life. I'll let you decide which is which. Both may begin the same, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God...and other various and strange people who seemed, smelling the food, to have wandered in from the streets." The preacher will say "With this ring I thee wed" or, "With this ring, I pronounce you dead." The circle of life, as Elton John might say, has been completed. And Johnny Cash might say, May the circle be unbroken, by and by, Lord, by and by. Of course Johnny also sang, I fell into a burning ring of far (fire)! This ring represents eternity. The circle has no beginning or end. It is hollow in the middle, like the groom and round on the edges like the bride. The rings are designed with the idea of enabling the jewel thief (sorry when I say jewel, thief just naturally follows - like d___ Yankee) to fuel the ecomony. As long as we have extravagant weddings and luxury funerals, the Lexus and Cadillac dealers will remain in business.
And the flowers! Never was so much spent on something with so short a life expectancy! We hope the marriage will last longer than the flowers. The cadaver, we're pretty sure of, so we just go ahead and bury it. With wedding-funerals, you could split the flowers. The bridal bouquet, once having been thrown to the crowd of unwilling single females, will then be placed on the dead mans chest, yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum! For a tiny surcharge, plus shipping and handling, you can have a catapult, with a timer, to fling the funeral bouquet into the crowd. The catcher is said to be next in line. This goes surprisingly well, since there is a nice discount for the lucky recipient. If you're going anyway, why not save a little moolah.
Now get this. Have you ever looked at caskets. They are so plush! They come in designer colors and materials. You can get an eternal sleep number mattress or a memory foam mattress, although that would be overkill in my opinion, ooops! sorry! And there's my favorite, the water bed coffin. You touch the sleeping one and they begin to wiggle as though they were waking! These coffin mattresses come with a 20 year warranty, but who's checking! The slightly used mattress could then be resold to the wedding couple. Now this 200 pound 6x3x2 foot monstrosity usually cost less than the .5 ounce ring. Now granted, you'll have the ring for life, unless you drop it in the garbage disposal, it falls off in the ocean, or you put it in an envelope and send it to a Gold Broker (abbrev. Go Broke), TV advertiser to see what it's worth. Now what idiot would actually do that?? What did you just put in the mail, honey-bunches? The electric bill, an order for Frontline Flea and Tick Protection, and all our valuable gold. MY GOLD!!?? I'm calling "We Pick'm Up Funeralizers" right now?? I'll have the "Drop Dead" special with 30 minutes same as cash plan and my husband will have the dirt bath! You are about to fulfill our wedding vow - till death do we part. It's incredible! The crooks are getting so lazy, they don't even show up for work. They just mail it in. You know what, instead of me wasting gas and tearing up the environment, why don't you just mail me your stuff.
What I'm working on is a career change. I'm entering the weddingization-funeralization broker business. It will be marketed as WedFun, to lighten things up a little. I'll set up a website just like E-Hermoney and match people who are planning a wedding with those who are planning a funeral. There are some variables inherent in this venture. Say, for instance, you want to get married in 6 months. Don't really "say" it. Just consider it! Some readers! This one reader (not you) - I have to spell everything out for them, because I want no person to be left behind. Actually, I don't care if you're left behind or right behind. I just want your behind to read my blog and click on the ads, so I can make out like a jeweler, er, bandit, and start scrimulating the ecomony myself. How's that for honesty?! No, actually, I'd do this for nothing, which I practically am anyway. Ok, just suppose you want to get married in 6 months. It's a hard-sell to convince someone to expire on the matching date. Now if the incumbent party croaks within 10 days prior to, we can just keep them in the cooler with the flowers. We present that as our photo-op package. But sometimes the nearly departed won't co-operate. Of course we can use the slow-death clause where there is a $100 per day penalty for late withdrawals. To be fair, we pass on $15 per delayed-day to the wedding couple. So, if you're flexible this could be quite lucrative.
We have a variety of music options of which, some are appropriate for both occasions.
1. When the Saints Go Marching In.
2. One "Is the Loneliest Number" - Three Dog Night. It's a tear jerker.
It's just no good anymore since you went away,
Now I spend my time, just making rhythms of yesterday.
Number one is the loneliest, number one is the loneliest, Number one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.
3. I've Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates - Melanie
4. Rose Garden - Joe South (not Lynn Anderson)
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
Along with the sunshine,
There's gotta be a little rain sometimes.
When you take, you gotta give, so live and let live,
Or let go.
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
I could promise you things like big diamond rings,
But you don't find roses growin' on stalks of clover.
So you better think it over.
Well, if sweet-talkin' you could make it come true,
I would give you the world right now on a silver platter,
But what would it matter?
So smile for a while and let's be jolly:
Love shouldn't be so melancholy.
Come along and share the good times while we can.
5. Get Me to the Church on Time - from My fair Lady (I'm Getting Married in the Morning)
alt. lyrics-
I'm getting buried in the morning,
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime.
Next stop is iffy,
But I'm looking spiffy,
So get me to the church, in that coffin made of birch, Just, get me to the church on time!
On a more serious note, I want all of my readers to realize the big differences in weddings and funerals. A wedding is the beginning of a life long commitment that takes work, giving and sacrifice, but the rewards can be great! It all depends on you - and your partner. Death has a lot less variables. You must choose if you want Plan "A" or Plan B. Plan A is where you put your faith in Jesus Christ and trust that his death, burial and resurrection are all you need, to live in heaven forever in a more glorious life than can ever be described. Plan "B" would be the opposite. Plan "B" is anything and everything other than Plan "A". It can be giving money. trying to be practically perfect in every way - like Mary Poppins, starting a Mother Theresa Tribute band, shaving your head and selling flowers at the airport or going to mass eight days a week. Plan "B" always ends up the same. On earth the seemingly Godless man still enjoys the wonders of God's creation, the blue skies, green seas, birds, animals the goodness of his fellow man. But in hell. he will be sequestered away from all of that, to a world completely void of any kindness or beauty, a land of physical and mental torment. You can choose plan A, once and for all and be done with it. Just thought you should know!
Just reply here if you're interested in more details bout the wedding-funeral plans. I'll leave you with this ditty.
If - by David Gates and Bread
....If the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die
I'd spend the end with you, and when the world is through,
Then one by one, the stars would all go out,
Then you and I, would simply fly away.
I hope there's an Orange Julius Smoothie in your future soon! they're goood!
Good night everyone and if you're with your sweetie, give them a kiss for me. No, that would be weird! No, Don't! Really!
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