All We Are Saying, Is Give Funny A Chance"

Here I am quoting, albeit, not verbatim, John Lennon. How strange!! But once again I'm trusting my precious readers to an untested source. Please walk into the mine field of comedy with Jerry Meinfield! Notice I didn't say "give it up for". It's kind of silly to give it up before you've read it.

My Very First Comedy Performance
by Jerry Meinfield

When I was first breaking into comedy...like it’s Fort Knox and you have to break into it. Imagine being so brazen as to break in to this place and try to steal everyone's laughter. When you first start out in comedy, you have to join a comedy union. At least that’s what “some guys” told me. Bytheway, never do what “some guys” tell you to do. They explained to me that it provided an exclusive double indemnity insurance policy. Like if I die twice, they pay off! More like the protection racket. So I said, that’s okay, because I practice “safe comedy”. They said I might try working on a routine that involved broken kneecaps, because comedy usually comes out of your experiences. So I decided a small policy couldn’t hurt, whereas no policy would be painful. And though funny, not worth it! These guys said I should start out playing the bars. A few drinks and they’ll laugh at anything! It helps if the audience is drinking too. Well, actually I was behind some local bars, like the Federal Pen. Bang Zoom! Right to the top!
They promised me a captive audience. Well, let me tell you, a captive audience does not a “captivated” audience make. Neither does an incarcerated one. I had heard that Al Capone had served some time here back in 1932 and the legend is very much alive. Some say his spirit still seems to lurk the dark and danky cells. I’ve been wanting to use that word - danky. Long and lanky, dark and danky, clear and clanky. Those phrases conjure up really, vivid images. Very imagerous! I asked the inn keepers, uh inn mates. Oh, maybe that’s why they looked at me strangely. I asked the striped people. There are two kinds of people. Those who correctly say striped and those who ignorantly say stripe-ped. If you're one of the ignorant ones, just add this to your list of things to ignore. Anyway, I asked the audience if they believed in re-incarnation. You remember, the whole Capone thing? A few said that they had indeed been reincarcerated for the same thing, three times! They totally missed the point, but since their point was sharper than mine, I allowed them to prevail.
Would you believe they almost closed the Federal Pen down in the 80’s? But about that time the Grant Park Zoo became Zoo Atlanta and with that backwards name they turned the whole zoo backwards. Used to be the animals were behind bars and you could walk right up and stare at them, and they, you. Now you walk past their private estate, which you pay for, and hope they might decide to come out and give you a look, but if not, tough bwana nuts. Well someone, probably one of the Candler’s, got to missing the old zoo and decided to save the prison. I thought it would make a great amusement park. It has a wonderful location. It could have a wax museum and a spook house, laundry cart roller coaster, escaped convict shooting galley etc. It’s just down the road from the zoo at the wrong end of Boulevard. The Grant Park district is now a very high dollar, renovated historical community.. My house on the other hand was novated about 8 years ago and it’s now ready for renovation. The Pen on Boulevard would be a perfect condo project. The ideal gated golf community, with beautiful green lawns. It would be Atlanta’s first Segre-gated community with more than 8 distinctly separate sections. There‘s The Play Pen, The Bull Pen. The Safety Pen, The Firing Pen, The Fountain Pen, The Straight Pen, Hair Pen, Bowling Pen you know for hair salon, daycare, ballfield, watering hole etc. It would house restaurants, an amphitheater, a world class fitness center. It has everything. It would be like the old Cabbage Town Fulton Bag and Cotton Mill just down the road - times fifty. Many people don’t know how the sport of softball originated from Cabbage Town. The mill opened in 1860 and recruited poor Irish/Scotts to live in the shotgun houses and work the mill. They soon found that dogs could not do this type of work, so they hired their masters. In 1865 a train derailed on a sharp curve, dumping a shipment of cabbages, so the residents grabbed the cabbages and began growing and cooking them which made the neighborhood reek with the smell of burning rubber. Kidding, it was the smell of boiled cabbage. The cabbage patch kids would sing:
Chorus: Boil that cabbage down,
Bake that hoecake brown.
The onliest song I ever did sing
Is "Boil That Cabbage Down."

Once I had an old gray horse;
Rode him down to town.
'Fore I got my trading done,
The buzzards had him down.
(Chorus)
Wish I had a needle and thread,
As fine as I could sew.
I'd sew that girlie to my coat,
And down the road I'd go.
(Chorus)
Wisht I had a nickel,
Wisht I had a dime,
Wisht I had a pretty little girl
To love me all the time.
Google Smothers Brothers Boil that Cabbage down for an audio/video version.

Anyway, the neighborhood kids couldn’t afford sporting goods, so they started playing baseball with a cabbage and a broomstick bat, which later became known as softball. They eventually became the Atlanta Crackers, because a real slugger, like Max Baer (renowned southern boxer, also father of Max Baer Jr, aka Jethro Bodine) could hit the cabbage so hard it would crack. By the time the opponent could field the broken cabbage, the batter would be on third base. Thus the southern delicacy, Baer Battered Cabbage.

For now, it’s home to 957 of the baddest neighbors you’d ever want to meet. If I can make these guys laugh, perhaps I could play the Monastery next time. The first thing a comedian must do is consider his audience, what they go thru, what makes them laugh, what makes them not want to kill you? They’re just regular people who are going thru a tough time. I decided perhaps my comic hero, Bob Hope had set a good example with his USO shows, so I might try to emulate him. Hi guys, this is Jerry - love what you’ve done with the place - Mienfield. Thought I’d drop in and see what the attraction is for this castle. I requested a reservation, but the warden said it was booked from ten to twenty.. Said I’d have to wait for a vacancy. As luck has it there’s a vacancy at midnight unless the governor intervenes. I unplugged the phone so Mr. 4952613, please be sure to clear your stuff out by say, nine-thirtyish.. But you should see the cab service. I hitched a ride in an FBI cab. They slowed down to 50, opened the back door and let me out at the curb. They didn’t wait around for the tip. I guess they knew the door man would take it when I come in. I heard there weren’t any females here, so I brought a few. These are wholesome broads. Oh, I should have said these are some whole broads! No missing parts! Some are relocated, but everything’s still there. Yep, these are real put together ladies. You can ask their surgeons!. A couple of them can even take their own teeth out! The rest need help. These women can actually predict the future, which is what most people predict. I used to predict the past. It’s pretty handy being able to tell people what happened even after it happened. Only one lady didn’t like her husbands past and - I think that’s her in the fifth row with the daggers tattooed on her armpits. Anyway, for you guys that have 20 or 30 to go, these gals can show you how your wives will look when you get out! Makes you want to re-up doesn’t it? They brought you some pies and cakes. They promised not to put saws in the cakes, but I believe you could cut the bars with a pie crust.

Well I’m afraid that’s about all the time I have left. I mean, if I don’t leave now, I’m really afraid that my time is up. You’ve been a real killer audience or, um, I mean it’s been nice getting to know you and I’ll write real soon.
Boy! Where are “some guys“ when you really need them??
Don’t laugh ’till you get outside the gates!