Things are not what they seem - or are they?

Hi folks,

Hope things are well with you. Me? I've got 20/20 vision! You know, I see things 20 feet away as if it were 20 blocks. Or some times, not at all! Better yet, sometimes I see things that aren't even there, without medication. But I'm no fool! Big surprise. I don't speak everything I see. I have learned not to trust my eyes, or my brain. When I see something strange, I wait until I get a little closer before I speak, because that might not have been an elephant in the neighbors driveway. The other night, I was sitting at my usual place on the couch, where only I, normally sit. And sometimes eat - food. I was sitting there and looked down beside me and saw what appeared to be a small morsel of food. It looked like a bean or a piece of a pretzel or something. I had a decision to make. We make decisions all day long. Do I wear this shirt or that one? Do I watch Becker or My Name is Earl? Do I bomb Afghanistan or hoist a few with Rev. Wright? Here's the thing. (A)I could put this thing in the trash can, but that would be labor intensive. (B) I could give it to Rusty Bullet (my dog), but he was comfortably curled up with my wife. Something is wrong with that scenario. (3) I could just eat it. Now am I a 56 year old or a 56 week old? You judge. I assumed I had previously dropped this thing (5 hour rule) so it should be okay to eat. So, I put this unknown substance in my mouth. This was one of those situations where you don't have to wait to see if your choice was right. I decided this thing might have been some kind of pill. But first, I decided to clutch my throat and run past the trash can, where I could have deposited the thing, grab the nearest glass and drink tap water! It's like the time at Pizza Hut when I decided to to taste one of those things, that you sprinkle on food from a bottle on the table. I drank the whole pitcher of coke. I apologized and bought the Johnsons another pitcher. You're supposed to scrape microscopic slithers off these little things and stir them into a bath tub full of chili. You could serve this to the entire house of representatives. Without TUMS. Let's see how many vacate their seats! Needless to say, I won't be doing anything like that again. Not for a long time! Unless I become ????? What's that word for people who can't remember things?
I did learn my lesson. We were all put here for a reason. I think I was put here to learn not to do stupid things. The only reason I'm still here. is because I am still afflicted with chronic stupidity. God doesn't want stupid people in heaven. I'm kidding! Stop worrying. God loves stupid people. He must, or He wouldn't have made so many of them! (old but still funny) I like spray deodorant. That way the applicator doesn't have to touch your armpit, or anyone else's. Besides, that cool mist is refreshing! I've had this tall green can of Brut on my bathroom counter for a year or so now. It quit working shortly after I bought it. This made me sad. I figured the nozzle had become clogged. Makes sense. My dad abstains from using deodorant. I guess at that age, who cares what you smell like. He always said, "If something can make you stop sweating, what else is it doing to you. Your body is supposed to sweat". Well, the other day I decided to try this Brut deodorant one more time before throwing it away. I thought of aiming this into my mouth or some other crazy place, because I was 99.97% sure it wouldn't work. But not being totally stupid, I aimed it at the usual place. To my great surprise, it worked. Now, am I a genius or what? I'm guessing, what.

We've come to the medical news portion of my rag. Notice, I did not say medical advice. I AM NOT A DOCTOR! What you read here is for information only. Here's a simple home remedy. If you use an asthma inhaler or have COPD this might be helpful. Emphasis on MIGHT. If a COPD (COunty Police Department) car pulls you over, start inhaling frantically on your inhaler. Between breaths say INHALE -I'm glad you're here-INHALE- I need help-INHALE-I just dialed 911- INHALE-I can't believe you got here so quick! Here's what I learned about Inhalers. One called Symbicord actually contains Ford motor oil. I thought I was hearing things, but that's what the commercial says. It contains Fordmotoroil. I believe you could make your own. I have some Fordmotoroil which has aged nicely. It's dark and thick, like that fancy steak sauce. You could probably smother your steak with Fordmotoroil and it would act as a laxitive. Fordmotoroil can also be used to treat cedar siding. Now I'm not stupid and don't think me a fool. I know it doesn't have to be "Ford" motor oil! It could be Japanese motor oil. But there would be side effects. When you sneeze, it will sound like ah-ah-ah KAWA-sakee. Or ah-ah-ah toYota. Or the genteel ladies may sneeze like ah-ah Nissan! Dat-so? No, dey hadn't made Datsuns for years.

Don't you love new products. I think we may be giving our dogs a complex though, if they watch tv. Does your dog poop and then look back in disgust? No wonder! The commercials are pressuring your dog to be an optimal pooper. I'm not making this up! Someone is, but it's not me! You can control the color of their output by controlling their input. It's called designer poop. I once had a dog who ate crayons.You can imagine what that looked like, especially if she had swallowed hair also. It would make a nice colorful necklace! Oh, I just love your necklace!! Where ever did you get it! It's a Giovani original. He could make one for you if you like. The other doggie thing they are offering is a poop mat. You place the mat on the floor and your dog just loves to poop on it - more than any other place. If you have small children you should keep them separated because they are quick learners. If you could get your pooch to poop the color of your carpet, the stains would be minimized to the point where a spoonful of gasoline and a match would take care of it. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME unless you are a certified trained professional.

Other products. I get ads for Motor Meant. They make die-cast metal replicas of automobiles. I have a few. They are quite nice. They send ads that say things like, "Our customers keep asking, how can you sell these quality products for only $12.95"? But they never answer themselves. The way they can do this is they also send you some sort of free gift. Then they charge you shipping and handling on the product and the gift. So your total purchase price ends up at $95.12. Remember people, things are not always or even often what they seem. Because you are reading all of this, I know you're smarter than most people, or just very bored. I keep seeing Magic Jack on TV. I know it's a gimmick, so I checked it out. You know you can't get quality phone service for $19.95 a year. It's a voice over internet deal. Every time you make a phone call your personal files are sent to 40 million people including John Edwards. When you dial 911 you get Pizza Hut and they deliver a pizza to William Shatner. And the clincher is if I dial a 900 number, I get Rosie O'Dognal! At least that's what I heard.

Don't be sucked in by get poor quick schemes. It if sounds cheap, it is. It's cheap/expensive. Best advice is don't buy anything. Eat the food in your freezer and call me back in a month.

I wish everyone well! All for now.