All I Need Is Duck Tape!

Hello Friends,

All I need is duck tape! That's all I need! And WD-40. I need duck tape and wd-40 and that's ALL I need! I need garlic. Duck tape, WD-40 and garlic and that's it! I don't need anything else. You can have everything! I need duck tape, WD-40, and garlic - - and cayenne pepper. Ok, it's a rip off of Steve Martin in The Jerk, where he and his wife are splitting and as he leaves the house, he proclaims "All I need is this ashtray. then the lamp, then the chair and he ends up with this huge useless pile of junk that he's trying to carry with him.

In the olden days, the boaring nineties, duck tape and WD-40 would fix near about anything. It was once believed that you could repair the rift between Israel and Palestine with duck tape. Bytheway, I know it's really duct tape, but duck tape is more funny! If you display a stack of duck tape next to a stack of duct tape, the duck tape will outsell by 10 to 1. The one guy with the pencil behind his ear and the hammer in his belt loop and the homemade duct tape suspenders will insist on the "real thing". I bought the "real thing" recently and it was chrome plated and it peeled off this wax paper looking stuff and it was a "real pain". Just give me the duck tape. A large white duck waddles into the drug store, picks up some chap-stick and proceeds to the counter. The cashier rings up the purchase and looks inquisitively at the duck and the duck quacks out, "Just put in on my bill". Start sending me money and I'll get better jokes. Sigh!! How do you read sigh? Do you just say si or what? Maybe I should write, Sheesh! But I've never seen that in print either, or plaid for that matter. Still today, back to the subject, I'll bet you forgot didn't you. If you were smart you'd quit now while you're ahead, because the further you go the more behind you get and most of us have plenty of that! Ah, the subject, still today, engineers are devising a mathematical, astronomical, bio-degradable blueprint of a plan to plot a course of flight around the circumference of planet earth and while orbiting this spherical boxing ring, pulling behind it, a giant roll of green duck tape which would encompass Israel, Palestine, Nuban and all other regions adjacent, but not congruent with the proximities of the afore mentioned real estate albeit forthwith. Wait! lest you poke out your own eye in disbelief! This duck tape is perforated and in the little perforations are seeds of peaches, pomegranates and pistachio plus ordinary Kentucky 31 Fescue. When watered by the Euphrates Lake (because they're going to dam it up so they can all water ski and do fun, peace loving stuff like that) the seeds will flourish making this the most prolific, peach, pomegranate and pistachio perforated peace project ever pontificated!
Here are 5 new uses for duck tape:
1. Duck Tape all of the congressman, congresswomen and congress-freaks to their congressional seats until they balance the national budget. Feed them all of the fried chicken, baked beans and sweet iced tea they want, but no potty breaks unless that budget is Even-Steven.
2. Duck Tape Tummy Tuck. Start wrapping yourself in duck tape just below the armpits and keep circling the old wagon, slightly overlapping with each pass until you reach the Ponderosa. If they are a member of congress, start another layer beginning at the armpit and continue upward until past the verbal exhaust system. I'm a firm believer in "What you don't say, can't hurt you".
3. Duck Tape underwear for baseball players. This would solve the problem of equipment adjustments in the field. A long hot bath is recommended after the game.. Perhaps some WD-40 would aid in removal.
4. Double sided duck tape for your bird feeder pole. Squirrels get stuck on the duck tape. After a day or so baste the squirrel with a generous amount of WD-40 and cayenne pepper. Grill on each side for 10 minutes, or if temperature is 98 or above, just leave him on the pole for an extra 30 minutes, or until crisp!
5. (I know, each one is better than the next) Duck tape dashboard. Apply double-sided duck tape to your car's dashboard and who needs cup holders?! Stick your cell phone, brush, lipstick etc to the dashboard. Also duck tape seat belts. Rowdier little people may be duck taped to the car's exterior.

WD-40 is a fascinating product! The WD is for water displacement. My wife got excited because she thought it was Walter displacement. She kept massaging me with this stuff, until I realized what she was trying to do. Then she gave me WD pills. They are marketed as fish oil (the main ingredient for WD-40), not to be confused with fish emulsifiers. Fish emulsifiers are the little gray-brown globules you see in your fish bowl - fish poop. Good name for a rock band. Fish emulsifiers are the latest in hair care products.Why can't it be hair cair or hare care? DON'T CAIR! The 40 in WD-40 indicates the 40th attempt to concoct this formula. They could have stopped at WD-22, but ir would have only had 39 uses and they really wanted 101. Of course there are more than that now. For instance, it can be used as a laxative. Did you know that anything that works for a laxative can also be used to keep your toilet clean?? Makes sense! Now I'm not recommending playing Oprah for your toilet! Pepto Bismal works well, but who wants a hot pink toilet. It makes you dizzy. Also, you can refill your automatic shower cleaner with WD-40. Then you can remove the warning: NOT A BODY WASH. Some fool must have tried it. That goes near the top of the list of lame excuses for missing work. Just use fish emulsifiers for hare conditioner and they'll SEND you home. Put two sided duck tape on the top of your surf board and WD-40 on the under-side. Coat those hard to swallow pills with WD-40. Kick PAM out of the kitchen, unless she's your wife. Coat your frying pan with WD-40. Put PAM in the toilet - unless she's your wife. You know the difference between someone who says toilet and someone who says commode. About 30 years! Know how to say toilet in Spanish? In case you're ever in Spain. Mexico or Forest Park and need one, it's "bano". Here it is in a sentence.

Is he toilet trained?

¿Va él al baño solo?

Is she toilet trained?

¿Va ella al baño sola?
Or, "Get draino par insano bano (loco comodo)

Apparently there is a masculine and feminine for sol0 in Spanish. Mi casa solo - home alone.
Got me thinking about SOHO, because there's one in New York. Japan and Great Brittain. About New york - SoHo is a neighborhood in the New York City borough of Manhattan. Originally associated with the arts, it has since become famous for both destination shopping and its downtown scene. The name is a blend of "South" and "Houston" from "south of Houston Street." Its name is the model for other new neighborhood acronyms in New York City, such as NoHo, for North of Houston Street, TriBeCa (Triangle Below Canal Street), Nolita (North of Little Italy), and DUMBO (Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass).
Perhaps Atlanta should "get hip". We could have NOPE - NOrth of PEachtree, SOPE - SOuth of PEachtree and DOPE - Down On Peachtree.. LIFI-Little Five Points. NOGO-75/85 Rush Hour.

I'm gonna take some WD-40 and slide on outtahere!
Have a nice weekend y'all!
Well get Garlic and Ceyanne Pepper later!

TWITTERPATED IN WASHINGTON

Hello friends, curious fellers and fellerettes,

Let me bore you with a little history. When George Washington ran for president, there of course, was no CNN, NBC, or CRAP. He just told his cherry tree story in all of the town squares, saloons and baseball stadiums he could get to. When Honest Abe ran, they had trains, which were originally invented for baseball, so he could cover much more territory. So Mr. Lincoln went everywhere there were train tracks. Could you imagine if the only people that heard the campaign speeches were the ones that went to the airports to see the candidate get off the plane and make a speech. Most of the people never heard the voice of Abraham Lincoln. Radio was originally invented for baseball only. Besides that, by the time all of the votes were in, the president was already delivering his mid-term state of the union address. Things went on like this for another hundred and fifty years or so, it's not important, until the 1930's when a new invention changed the world! Tom Edison was working on a miraculous serum that would cure TB. Only the patent office mistranscribed the title of the project as TV. So, instead, Tommy went to work on inventing the TV. It was originally designed for baseball. For 17 years baseball was broadcast on TV, but there were no sets to watch TV on and they couldn't figure out how to get the pictures to go thru the wires and come out on the other end. By 1947, they had discovered AIR and started broadcasting over the Air. Also they started broadcasting live. It cost more, but dead actors were less convincing. During the off season, they showed I Love Lucy and the Honeymooners and Lost. Finally in 1959, they ran out of TV shows and starting showing campaign speeches. John Kennedy and Richard Nixon were the first candidates to square off on live TV. Of course Nixon lost, due to that 5 o'clock shadow which regularly showed up at 9 a.m.. This never mattered on radio. In 1968 Richard Nixon ran again, seeing that no Kennedy's were running and Hubert Humphrey looked more like the Pillsbury dough boy. Tricky Richard ran on the sock-it-to-me platform and ran ads on the Laugh-In TV show. He captured the young vote by "appearing" to be cool and saying things like "Sock it to me" or "You bet your bippy", with all of the enthusiasm of a dry fish. . By the 90's Bill-can't define "IT", can't control "IT" Clinton ran for office on the nightclub circuit, proving if you hang out and play saxophone with the boys you can get the young vote. John Kerry tried to run a "you tube" campaign. If he had his own reality show he might have been elected. instead, he was voted, most likely to be Gilligan on the S.S. Minnow. That brings us somewhat up to date.

Finally Barbara Walters can retire! The really with-it politicians are on Twitter! If you don't know what Twitter is, let me explain. It was originally designed for baseball, but may be used to determine the MVP, (most votable politician). .TIME OUT. Once again,friends, I've put my foot in something without really checking to see what it is. The president and some other high muckety mucks are now on Twitter. I assumed you could go online and converse with the "Little "o"". Sorry, Otis (Redding) will always be the Big "O". I'm sure the little "o" would mind . I checked his Twitter page and I'm convinced he does not monitor this. He's probably not reading my blog, as a few others are choosing not to do. Their loss, not mine. Ooops, I got that backwards!.This is very Twitterpating! Actually, it's not, because this word Twitterpated, was coined by Wise Friend Owl in the Bambi movie as he/she explained that everybody gets Twitterpated in the spring. It's a euphemism for falling in love, which is a euphemism for baseball, which is a - whole nuther post. Of course Thumper, the rabbit, is the first to proclaim, "Not me!" Flower, the skunk was not interested either, at least for a minute. Did you know there was a dark version of Bambi? With more dark characters? There was a groundhog, a porcupine and Ronno who tried to take Bambi away from Thunder! So frustrated is more the word. There are a zillion personal questions on the little "O's" Twitter, but zilcho answers. All you get are links to articles. I'm going to his facebook to see what's up! I believe in 2012 or certainly 2016, we will be voting thru Twitter. Do you know they are gathering polling data right now, thru the 5 things applications or the which____are you on facebook. And the "likes this" queue. Of course! What did YOU think it was for?? Things like which of the seven dwarfs are you.Which Our Gang (Little Rascals) member are you? Which Beatle? Which candy bar are you? They base their demographics on all that. By the way all of the Seven Dwarfs are conservatives and the Smurfs are liberals. Sarah Palin is Snow White. And I am a Peter Paul, Mounds/Almond Joy, because "sometimes I feel like a nut - sometimes I don't".

I believe we need to stop vetting and start vamping! Vamping and revamping! No one ever explained vetting. By the time I figured it out, all of the vetting was done and I was still wondering just how fast does John Edward's hair grow and whose side is Joe Biden on?? I think we should have several co-presidents. It's too much to expect one person to make the decisions in all areas for the whole nation. Let's have a Grand Poobah for finance, a Grand Potentate for social isues, a Grand Musketeer for Defense and while he's at it build de fence across de Mexican border. You get de idea? And of course they need a round table to co-ordinate these efforts. They could work evenings, making the "Nights of the Round Table" a monthly affair. Sorry, I should never mention affairs and politics in the same state.

I hope this clears things up for you. If not, let me know. I'll post your complaint on Twitter!

Good night all!!

HANDLE MAN !!

DISCLAIMER!! This is not a joke! Everything below this might be, but this is not. There is, hopefully only was, an ad to the right with the "naibsel" word in it. Please read that backwards. I don't know how I have attracted this kind of ad, but my name is Walt Lewis and I DO NOT approve of this ad!

Now please enjoy the rest of this post! - Thank you!


Hello dear friends,

Hey girls, gather 'round,
and listen to what I'm putting down.
I fix broken hearts,
Hey, I'm your Handle Man.

I'm feeling pretty good because I just got a letter from my favorite magazine! Handle Man! I hope there's nothing derogatory about "Handle Man" because I just made it up to describe myself! You see, not to brag on myself, well I guess I am the one writing aren't I? In the interest of you getting to know me better, I will humbly share the upcoming remarks.

Handle Man is not a super hero, but if he were, he "WOOD" make a great one. He can take an ordinary pile of lumber and cut, carve and shape it into a work of Art. I wish, just for now, my name was Art. Just for a sentence or two. Actually, I used to work with Art. People were confusing us all of the time. Even when he moved to another office in another city. Could it be because Art and Walt are both short one syllable names ending with the letter "T"? Or we're both handsome, virile and witty? Or because we're both white guys in our 50's working in the same department. Or, are people so dull of intellect, that they can't tell one bald headed white guy from another. I tell them Art is the red-headed-bald-headed guy and I'm the brown-headed-bald-headed guy. But in the end I guess we all look alike. Anyhow, Oui, received a letter in the mail and I will reprint part of it, because otherwise, some of you, the ones who know me, wouldn't believe it! Don't believe it anyway? Sorry, if you want to commit the sin of unbelief, I can't help that! Here's the first paragraph of this epistle, with very little changed. Mainly, the names of the foolish will be changed, to protect the writer.

Dear Life member elect - Walt Lewis
There is a reason YOU have been nominated - among hundreds of thousands of members - for Life Membership in the Handleman Club of America. It's a reward reserved only for our most active, passionate members who bring the most value to the CLUB.

Let's analyze this now. I was chosen. I always wondered what it would be like to be Jewish, but I like bacon too much! I was chosen out of hundreds of thousands of other members and a few other guys, because I am one of the most active. Now my personality profile says I'm phlegmatic, not like the old Plymouth phlegmatic transmission. Phlegmatic, like hard to wake up, or hard to tell if awake. If it were a competition between me and wood, I guess on two out of three, I'd win. Because I am more active than wood! As to passionate, well, just ask my wife and six kids!

But they want me! They want me alright! And why not?! Stop laughing and consider this. By the way. Did you get a letter? I thought not! You have to send money and get accepted as a member. Listen to what else they said, with very little added or removed.

Life members are literally the life blood of the CLUB, an elite. group of our most active, skilled and dedicated members. You are the Navy Seals of woodworking. When wood needs cutting, YOU CUT IT!!

still quoting "Here's the part of my job I like best, sharing terrific tools, practical advice and new equipment with some of the CLUB's most accomplished and talented handlemen!" This puzzles me a little, because I don't know who anominated me, or is it just nominated. It irritates me when people say notate instead on note. I'll notate your account. I'll votate for John McCain. I'll rotate your tires. Oh, that one's okay. But be careful which words you use. It could mean the difference in being castrated or simply being a person who rhymes with custard! Take for instance, the words below:
Nominate - to suggest one's name as a candidate for some office or duty or honor
Anominate_ used in many websites instead of nominate, but never defined.
Innominate - having no name
Inanimate - having no physical motion
Castrate - having no -
Seriously, when you look up innominate online you will see articles, uh websites about castration. So be careful!!

So, I wondered who nominated me. Could it be someone who was aware of my amazing ability to take raw wood and make it look like raw wood cut and nailed together? Maybe they had seen my bird houses or dog houses. The dogs never complained. One used to do his business inside and sleep outside. I suppose he was a little inhibited. Perhaps they knew of my skilled joinery, the pineapple carvings and dove-tail joints! But that was a long time ago, when we hung out at the Dovetail joints in Underground Atlanta.

Oh who cares!? Look at all of the benefits, besides the ego massage! They're going to give me a lifetime membership in the CLUB! Plus..Plus, $1,300.00 in gifts and benefits! Read that with your best game show host voice! Over $1,300.00 in gifts and benefits! These include, all FREE:
TOUGHTEST 24 PIECE CARBIDE-TIPPED ROUTER BIT SET - wow!! IT DOES EVERTHING! It shapes, it edges, it profiles, it stirs pancake batter.
TOUGHTEST 7 PIECE CHISEL SET WHAT DOES IT DO?? It chisels, it does joinery, mortises, it delivers clean results, it's a backscratcher!
TOUGHTEST 2 H.P. /15-AMP PLUNGE ROUTER. It's no ordinary router, this one! It plunges! ( which I've always secretly wanted to do.) A less mighty motor might quit long before the next issue, but this one is guaranteed to last for ah, what? Orville, my poof reader just advised, that I not stretch the truth too far. It's likely to still be working when the next issue arrives. That's a grand total of $500.00 in gifts!! So that must mean the other $800.00 are in benefits, meaning things you can't actually use, like being accepted into the Club, getting future products to test, like the carpenter's pencil and the plastic protractor and the little stickers and key chains and stuff. Oh yeah don't forget the Handleman Belt Buckle and official Handleman Hat. The real value is the Lifetime Membership. And the cost is so small. It's only gonna cost S320.04! Now here's the hard to resist part, if I die before 20 years, my descendants can inherit my subscription for the unused portion!. How could I say no? No, to all of the hats, pencils, stickers, belt buckle, decals, key rings, stationery logos and that monthly rag !

WOOD you believe I'm going to say No? Because I just remembered, they might have me confused with Art!
Anyway, how's this for woods craftmanship?

Woodn't it be nice if we were older,
Then we woodn't have to wait so long.
And woodn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong.
You know it's gonna make it that much better,
When we can say good night - Whoops! It's 11:30 - Good night!

Cuban Nuban

I am having an identity crisis, that is, I would if I had one! I looked up myself or should I say looked myself up on the internet, just to see what I was like. I WAS EVERYWHERE. Walter Lewis M.D., Walter Lewis -Pulitzer Prize winning Poet, Walter Lewis-Philosopher, Walter Lewis-Football Star, illustrious Senator, Hop-Scotch Olympian, but none of them were really me! I am Walter Lewis-Cuban Nuban. Cuban, because I work in a 6 by 6 foot cube and if you just count walking around space, it's a 3 by 4 foot cube. therefore, I am a Cuban. Now my chair takes up 9 square feet, so that leaves 3 square feet around the edges. If I want to pace the floor, it's about like doing laps in a bath tub! Nuban is a tiny island on the back-side of Saudi Arabia to the left of India. It's on the part of the map you never look at. It's at the bottom end of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, if my geography is correct, but you should check. It's where they flush everything out. I guess I am actually a Nubanan. Actually I'm not, because I've never been there, but it seems like an insignificant place where I should be from. With all of the other Walter Lewie's out there, I just feel so small. I could change my blog name to something more unique, like Ignat Kablowski. I looked it up on internet and they said, "Did you mean Ignatz Kablovski?" so I clicked on that. The message came back, "sorry there is no such thing - Are you from Nuban or something?" So now the internet is laughing at me.
Here's a musical interlude.

WORM EATIN' BLUES

Well I guess that's the way it was meant to be.
Cause nobody's paying attention to me.
Suppose I'll go in a corner and eat my worms.
But I'm gonna show 'em all one day.
I'm gonna load up my old Chevrolet
I'll leave this town and I won't never look back!

I'm gonna find me a town where the streets are clean.
And people are the friendliest you ever seen
I'll put down roots and play the games people play.
I'll be a model citizen - pay my bills on time.
Go to church on Sundays and never whine.
I just know I'll be a regular Jean ValJean one day.

Well I been there a couple of weeks alright.
Met a few neighbors, nearly got in a fight.
They say I talk funny and what ya doin here anyway?
Said I might settle down and that upset them so.
That I packed my bags and decided to go.
Cause-- Anonymity ain't all that bad!

If this ever gets down to the people of Nuban, We love you. Keep doing what your doing where you're doing it.
Good night!