All I need is duck tape! That's all I need! And WD-40. I need duck tape and wd-40 and that's ALL I need! I need garlic. Duck tape, WD-40 and garlic and that's it! I don't need anything else. You can have everything! I need duck tape, WD-40, and garlic - - and cayenne pepper. Ok, it's a rip off of Steve Martin in The Jerk, where he and his wife are splitting and as he leaves the house, he proclaims "All I need is this ashtray. then the lamp, then the chair and he ends up with this huge useless pile of junk that he's trying to carry with him.
In the olden days, the boaring nineties, duck tape and WD-40 would fix near about anything. It was once believed that you could repair the rift between Israel and Palestine with duck tape. Bytheway, I know it's really duct tape, but duck tape is more funny! If you display a stack of duck tape next to a stack of duct tape, the duck tape will outsell by 10 to 1. The one guy with the pencil behind his ear and the hammer in his belt loop and the homemade duct tape suspenders will insist on the "real thing". I bought the "real thing" recently and it was chrome plated and it peeled off this wax paper looking stuff and it was a "real pain". Just give me the duck tape. A large white duck waddles into the drug store, picks up some chap-stick and proceeds to the counter. The cashier rings up the purchase and looks inquisitively at the duck and the duck quacks out, "Just put in on my bill". Start sending me money and I'll get better jokes. Sigh!! How do you read sigh? Do you just say si or what? Maybe I should write, Sheesh! But I've never seen that in print either, or plaid for that matter. Still today, back to the subject, I'll bet you forgot didn't you. If you were smart you'd quit now while you're ahead, because the further you go the more behind you get and most of us have plenty of that! Ah, the subject, still today, engineers are devising a mathematical, astronomical, bio-degradable blueprint of a plan to plot a course of flight around the circumference of planet earth and while orbiting this spherical boxing ring, pulling behind it, a giant roll of green duck tape which would encompass Israel, Palestine, Nuban and all other regions adjacent, but not congruent with the proximities of the afore mentioned real estate albeit forthwith. Wait! lest you poke out your own eye in disbelief! This duck tape is perforated and in the little perforations are seeds of peaches, pomegranates and pistachio plus ordinary Kentucky 31 Fescue. When watered by the Euphrates Lake (because they're going to dam it up so they can all water ski and do fun, peace loving stuff like that) the seeds will flourish making this the most prolific, peach, pomegranate and pistachio perforated peace project ever pontificated!
Here are 5 new uses for duck tape:
1. Duck Tape all of the congressman, congresswomen and congress-freaks to their congressional seats until they balance the national budget. Feed them all of the fried chicken, baked beans and sweet iced tea they want, but no potty breaks unless that budget is Even-Steven.
2. Duck Tape Tummy Tuck. Start wrapping yourself in duck tape just below the armpits and keep circling the old wagon, slightly overlapping with each pass until you reach the Ponderosa. If they are a member of congress, start another layer beginning at the armpit and continue upward until past the verbal exhaust system. I'm a firm believer in "What you don't say, can't hurt you".
3. Duck Tape underwear for baseball players. This would solve the problem of equipment adjustments in the field. A long hot bath is recommended after the game.. Perhaps some WD-40 would aid in removal.
4. Double sided duck tape for your bird feeder pole. Squirrels get stuck on the duck tape. After a day or so baste the squirrel with a generous amount of WD-40 and cayenne pepper. Grill on each side for 10 minutes, or if temperature is 98 or above, just leave him on the pole for an extra 30 minutes, or until crisp!
5. (I know, each one is better than the next) Duck tape dashboard. Apply double-sided duck tape to your car's dashboard and who needs cup holders?! Stick your cell phone, brush, lipstick etc to the dashboard. Also duck tape seat belts. Rowdier little people may be duck taped to the car's exterior.
WD-40 is a fascinating product! The WD is for water displacement. My wife got excited because she thought it was Walter displacement. She kept massaging me with this stuff, until I realized what she was trying to do. Then she gave me WD pills. They are marketed as fish oil (the main ingredient for WD-40), not to be confused with fish emulsifiers. Fish emulsifiers are the little gray-brown globules you see in your fish bowl - fish poop. Good name for a rock band. Fish emulsifiers are the latest in hair care products.Why can't it be hair cair or hare care? DON'T CAIR! The 40 in WD-40 indicates the 40th attempt to concoct this formula. They could have stopped at WD-22, but ir would have only had 39 uses and they really wanted 101. Of course there are more than that now. For instance, it can be used as a laxative. Did you know that anything that works for a laxative can also be used to keep your toilet clean?? Makes sense! Now I'm not recommending playing Oprah for your toilet! Pepto Bismal works well, but who wants a hot pink toilet. It makes you dizzy. Also, you can refill your automatic shower cleaner with WD-40. Then you can remove the warning: NOT A BODY WASH. Some fool must have tried it. That goes near the top of the list of lame excuses for missing work. Just use fish emulsifiers for hare conditioner and they'll SEND you home. Put two sided duck tape on the top of your surf board and WD-40 on the under-side. Coat those hard to swallow pills with WD-40. Kick PAM out of the kitchen, unless she's your wife. Coat your frying pan with WD-40. Put PAM in the toilet - unless she's your wife. You know the difference between someone who says toilet and someone who says commode. About 30 years! Know how to say toilet in Spanish? In case you're ever in Spain. Mexico or Forest Park and need one, it's "bano". Here it is in a sentence.
Is he toilet trained?
¿Va él al baño solo?
Is she toilet trained?
¿Va ella al baño sola?
Or, "Get draino par insano bano (loco comodo)
Or, "Get draino par insano bano (loco comodo)
Got me thinking about SOHO, because there's one in New York. Japan and Great Brittain. About New york - SoHo is a neighborhood in the New York City borough of Manhattan. Originally associated with the arts, it has since become famous for both destination shopping and its downtown scene. The name is a blend of "South" and "Houston" from "south of Houston Street." Its name is the model for other new neighborhood acronyms in New York City, such as NoHo, for North of Houston Street, TriBeCa (Triangle Below Canal Street), Nolita (North of Little Italy), and DUMBO (Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass).
Perhaps Atlanta should "get hip". We could have NOPE - NOrth of PEachtree, SOPE - SOuth of PEachtree and DOPE - Down On Peachtree.. LIFI-Little Five Points. NOGO-75/85 Rush Hour.
I'm gonna take some WD-40 and slide on outtahere!
Have a nice weekend y'all!
Well get Garlic and Ceyanne Pepper later!
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