DOCTOR PLEASE!

Hi guys,

I missed you. I had to go to the doctor today cause...

I was feelin' . . . so bad,
I asked my family doctor just what I had,
I said, "Doctor, . . . (Doctor-r)
Mr. M.D., . . . (Doctor-r . .)
Now can you tell me, (tell me, tell me)
What's ailin' me?" (Doctor-r . .)

He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Yes, indeed, all you really need . . .(Is good lovin')
Gimme that good, good lovin . . .(Good lovin')
All I need is lovin' . . .(Good lovin')
Good lovin', baby.
(compliments of the Young Rascals- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH3JxK )

Oh, if it were only that simple. Actually, I've been doing fine, thank you. It's just that my blood sugar and cholesterol does not meet government conformance. Nor does my triglycerides. I thought they were putting that in the water now, so you didn't have to worry about it. I joke, but you know it's coming - and sooner than you think. If your blood pressure is too high, they're gonna tax you. If you smoke, they're gonna tax you. If you drink, might as well get extra happy, cause they're gonna tax you! If you're too fat, better lose weight cause, they're gonna tax you. I am not fat, I'm just a little too short for my weight. Old joke, but my doctor's old, so it might work. If you're short, may as well move to Japan. My regular doctor was not there so I had to see an irregular one. He's not so laid back. Dr' Nicefellow, my regular Dr, said don't worry about exercise, or cholesterol, or salt. Just try to loose some weight and see if that works! I like that. He said running from potatos (help me Quayle). and bread and rice is all the exercise you need. Dr Tv Doctor said, I should get a will, see an ophthalmologist, get a follow up ekg, start taking gravestat and become an exercise fool. I've got the fool part down pretty good! Actually he said I didn't have to exercise on the days that start with vowels. I thought he said bowels, which would be most every day, but unfortunately it was vowels. Please help me think of some. There's Easter and Arbor day. How about yesterday! I could always not exercise yesterday. but can you not exercise yesterday today or must you wait until tomorrow and not do it? I need more vowel days. Can I buy a vowel?? Oh, and the gravestat, that's for when you feel like you've got one foot in the grave, it helps you get the other one in. It's one of those drugs from the Stat family. You know they have their own Island, Staten Island. Same family. They created monostat for loneliness, fatastat for weight control, ratastat for pest control and thermostat for cold feet. I made up that last one. Ha, ha:)

I arrived 2 minutes early for my appointment. I had to pay a $25 co-pay and got way more than I bargained for or actually wanted. I sat down and began looking thru the magazines. I passed over the self-help rags because - well.... Then I found the LARGE PRINT Readers Digest. Perfect! But before I could find the joke page, I was called back. I knew something was wrong, because I usually wait a minimum 30 minutes. I hear that Dr' Nicefellow is not here yet. Man, this Doctor TV Doctor really knows how to clear out a waiting room. The paramedics came and got one patient. I heard something about not being able to find his tonsil scratchers. I call him Dr TV Doctor, because if he had a bubble over his head, it would say " I'm not a real doctor, but I play one in real life". Anyway, nurse (Ma) Kettle comes and wants me to take my shirt off and starts asking me about the beach and travel. She takes my blood pressure, looks in my mouth, nose, ears and eyes. Then she rolls in this cart and starts sticking these little patches all over. She takes my ekg. All for twenty five dollars! I figure there must be a catch, like I have to subscribe to eleven magazines. Mind you the door was closed and there was no male present, so I think I could sue. Then Dr TV Dr comes in and Nurse Kettle leaves. He says I can put my shirt back on and remove everything else - except my tighty whities. Now you know! Now I made sure that I had clean underwear and that it had no holes except where it should have holes. Wow! At least something had gone right! He did the knee jerk test, the foot jerk test and the arm jerk test. He did a front end alignment and then the worst exam a man could have. All without the presence of a female!! The rear end lubrication. I asked if I would be able to play the piano after this? Because I always wanted to. Well, I haven't tried the piano, but I instantly attained the ability to dance like Michael Jackson, God rest his soul. Why do we say this? When you die, your soul is at rest or it is not. I hope many of his fans will become believers. So then I do the moon walk down the hall to the receptionist desk. That's after redressing, underwear on the inside, pants on the outside, like regular people! Now here's the thing. there is a double standard! If I had breasts, I would know how to self examine them! Everyone does! So you don't have to go thru the embarrassment of having someone else do it. So, why don't they teach men, because I believe you could do that yourself! If you know your you-know-what from a hole in the ground, you can do it! Hope you've already eaten your supper. Sorry. They have a little tv in the exam room. It doesn't get Melrose Place or Leave it to Beaver or even Dr. Kildare. Oh, don't remind me! It has fifteen channels all about diseases you might have. They've already asked me about diseases my relatives might have. Don't put your ailments on facebook, because the government collects that information! By the time you leave the doctor's office you've got three new diseases to worry about. The ophthalmologist wants me twice a year, the dentist quarterly, the chiropractor bi-weekly, the cardiologist bi-monthly. the psychologist will probably just have me move in - I think he calls it being committed. No. it's the church that's wants me committed. Now I am confused. Anyway, I've used all of my family sickness time for car repairs, so what am I going to do.

I like the way the Tams sang it:

Be young, be foolish, but be Happ-y-y - ooh-ooh-oooh-o0h-ooh-ooh-ooh!

I'm gonna moon-walk on outta here! Good night!!