HANDLE MAN !!

DISCLAIMER!! This is not a joke! Everything below this might be, but this is not. There is, hopefully only was, an ad to the right with the "naibsel" word in it. Please read that backwards. I don't know how I have attracted this kind of ad, but my name is Walt Lewis and I DO NOT approve of this ad!

Now please enjoy the rest of this post! - Thank you!


Hello dear friends,

Hey girls, gather 'round,
and listen to what I'm putting down.
I fix broken hearts,
Hey, I'm your Handle Man.

I'm feeling pretty good because I just got a letter from my favorite magazine! Handle Man! I hope there's nothing derogatory about "Handle Man" because I just made it up to describe myself! You see, not to brag on myself, well I guess I am the one writing aren't I? In the interest of you getting to know me better, I will humbly share the upcoming remarks.

Handle Man is not a super hero, but if he were, he "WOOD" make a great one. He can take an ordinary pile of lumber and cut, carve and shape it into a work of Art. I wish, just for now, my name was Art. Just for a sentence or two. Actually, I used to work with Art. People were confusing us all of the time. Even when he moved to another office in another city. Could it be because Art and Walt are both short one syllable names ending with the letter "T"? Or we're both handsome, virile and witty? Or because we're both white guys in our 50's working in the same department. Or, are people so dull of intellect, that they can't tell one bald headed white guy from another. I tell them Art is the red-headed-bald-headed guy and I'm the brown-headed-bald-headed guy. But in the end I guess we all look alike. Anyhow, Oui, received a letter in the mail and I will reprint part of it, because otherwise, some of you, the ones who know me, wouldn't believe it! Don't believe it anyway? Sorry, if you want to commit the sin of unbelief, I can't help that! Here's the first paragraph of this epistle, with very little changed. Mainly, the names of the foolish will be changed, to protect the writer.

Dear Life member elect - Walt Lewis
There is a reason YOU have been nominated - among hundreds of thousands of members - for Life Membership in the Handleman Club of America. It's a reward reserved only for our most active, passionate members who bring the most value to the CLUB.

Let's analyze this now. I was chosen. I always wondered what it would be like to be Jewish, but I like bacon too much! I was chosen out of hundreds of thousands of other members and a few other guys, because I am one of the most active. Now my personality profile says I'm phlegmatic, not like the old Plymouth phlegmatic transmission. Phlegmatic, like hard to wake up, or hard to tell if awake. If it were a competition between me and wood, I guess on two out of three, I'd win. Because I am more active than wood! As to passionate, well, just ask my wife and six kids!

But they want me! They want me alright! And why not?! Stop laughing and consider this. By the way. Did you get a letter? I thought not! You have to send money and get accepted as a member. Listen to what else they said, with very little added or removed.

Life members are literally the life blood of the CLUB, an elite. group of our most active, skilled and dedicated members. You are the Navy Seals of woodworking. When wood needs cutting, YOU CUT IT!!

still quoting "Here's the part of my job I like best, sharing terrific tools, practical advice and new equipment with some of the CLUB's most accomplished and talented handlemen!" This puzzles me a little, because I don't know who anominated me, or is it just nominated. It irritates me when people say notate instead on note. I'll notate your account. I'll votate for John McCain. I'll rotate your tires. Oh, that one's okay. But be careful which words you use. It could mean the difference in being castrated or simply being a person who rhymes with custard! Take for instance, the words below:
Nominate - to suggest one's name as a candidate for some office or duty or honor
Anominate_ used in many websites instead of nominate, but never defined.
Innominate - having no name
Inanimate - having no physical motion
Castrate - having no -
Seriously, when you look up innominate online you will see articles, uh websites about castration. So be careful!!

So, I wondered who nominated me. Could it be someone who was aware of my amazing ability to take raw wood and make it look like raw wood cut and nailed together? Maybe they had seen my bird houses or dog houses. The dogs never complained. One used to do his business inside and sleep outside. I suppose he was a little inhibited. Perhaps they knew of my skilled joinery, the pineapple carvings and dove-tail joints! But that was a long time ago, when we hung out at the Dovetail joints in Underground Atlanta.

Oh who cares!? Look at all of the benefits, besides the ego massage! They're going to give me a lifetime membership in the CLUB! Plus..Plus, $1,300.00 in gifts and benefits! Read that with your best game show host voice! Over $1,300.00 in gifts and benefits! These include, all FREE:
TOUGHTEST 24 PIECE CARBIDE-TIPPED ROUTER BIT SET - wow!! IT DOES EVERTHING! It shapes, it edges, it profiles, it stirs pancake batter.
TOUGHTEST 7 PIECE CHISEL SET WHAT DOES IT DO?? It chisels, it does joinery, mortises, it delivers clean results, it's a backscratcher!
TOUGHTEST 2 H.P. /15-AMP PLUNGE ROUTER. It's no ordinary router, this one! It plunges! ( which I've always secretly wanted to do.) A less mighty motor might quit long before the next issue, but this one is guaranteed to last for ah, what? Orville, my poof reader just advised, that I not stretch the truth too far. It's likely to still be working when the next issue arrives. That's a grand total of $500.00 in gifts!! So that must mean the other $800.00 are in benefits, meaning things you can't actually use, like being accepted into the Club, getting future products to test, like the carpenter's pencil and the plastic protractor and the little stickers and key chains and stuff. Oh yeah don't forget the Handleman Belt Buckle and official Handleman Hat. The real value is the Lifetime Membership. And the cost is so small. It's only gonna cost S320.04! Now here's the hard to resist part, if I die before 20 years, my descendants can inherit my subscription for the unused portion!. How could I say no? No, to all of the hats, pencils, stickers, belt buckle, decals, key rings, stationery logos and that monthly rag !

WOOD you believe I'm going to say No? Because I just remembered, they might have me confused with Art!
Anyway, how's this for woods craftmanship?

Woodn't it be nice if we were older,
Then we woodn't have to wait so long.
And woodn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong.
You know it's gonna make it that much better,
When we can say good night - Whoops! It's 11:30 - Good night!