FUNERAL EYES

I went to a wedding the other day and met someone who performs both weddings and funerals. That, got me thinking. There might be enough similarities to encourage the combination of these two social functions, thus scrimulating the ecomony. I can't use "stimulating the economy", because that has already been defined as "driving a Cadillac to the po' house" or "spending like a mouse in a cheese factory". One of the new terms I hear a lot is the word " funeralize", which I suppose is mortuary jargon for the act of standing before the friends and relatives of the decreased one, and fabricating a yarn that if transcribed onto a resume would grant employment with 95% of the Fortune 500 Companies, even though dead! I guess that would be the Fortune 475 Companies. "You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself" - Rick Nelson-Garden Party. This word, as so many, came about quite naturally, as the famed funeral director, Dedon R, Rival was composing "funeral lies" for a late local government muckety muck. When overheard ruminating about funeral lies, he quickly coined the word, funeralize and today, it is used everywhere, coffins are sold..The other new word that comes to mind is "babiotomy". It's actually an old term for the delivery of a new child. Delivery is such a silly term. It's more like retrieval, although, retrieval means to get something back. Extrication might work. But I like the old word created by our grandmothers. They would call the doctor and holler, "Come get this baby out of me". After a while the procedure was shortened to "babiotomy". The other otomies were to follow.
There needed to be a functional term for wedding, so I came up with "weddingization". The act of getting two people of equal but opposite sex to promise all manner of performances which will be carried out about as well as tomatoes grow on corn stalks. Weddings and funerals mark the passage from life to death and death to life. I'll let you decide which is which. Both may begin the same, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God...and other various and strange people who seemed, smelling the food, to have wandered in from the streets." The preacher will say "With this ring I thee wed" or, "With this ring, I pronounce you dead." The circle of life, as Elton John might say, has been completed. And Johnny Cash might say, May the circle be unbroken, by and by, Lord, by and by. Of course Johnny also sang, I fell into a burning ring of far (fire)! This ring represents eternity. The circle has no beginning or end. It is hollow in the middle, like the groom and round on the edges like the bride. The rings are designed with the idea of enabling the jewel thief (sorry when I say jewel, thief just naturally follows - like d___ Yankee) to fuel the ecomony. As long as we have extravagant weddings and luxury funerals, the Lexus and Cadillac dealers will remain in business.
And the flowers! Never was so much spent on something with so short a life expectancy! We hope the marriage will last longer than the flowers. The cadaver, we're pretty sure of, so we just go ahead and bury it. With wedding-funerals, you could split the flowers. The bridal bouquet, once having been thrown to the crowd of unwilling single females, will then be placed on the dead mans chest, yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum! For a tiny surcharge, plus shipping and handling, you can have a catapult, with a timer, to fling the funeral bouquet into the crowd. The catcher is said to be next in line. This goes surprisingly well, since there is a nice discount for the lucky recipient. If you're going anyway, why not save a little moolah.
Now get this. Have you ever looked at caskets. They are so plush! They come in designer colors and materials. You can get an eternal sleep number mattress or a memory foam mattress, although that would be overkill in my opinion, ooops! sorry! And there's my favorite, the water bed coffin. You touch the sleeping one and they begin to wiggle as though they were waking! These coffin mattresses come with a 20 year warranty, but who's checking! The slightly used mattress could then be resold to the wedding couple. Now this 200 pound 6x3x2 foot monstrosity usually cost less than the .5 ounce ring. Now granted, you'll have the ring for life, unless you drop it in the garbage disposal, it falls off in the ocean, or you put it in an envelope and send it to a Gold Broker (abbrev. Go Broke), TV advertiser to see what it's worth. Now what idiot would actually do that?? What did you just put in the mail, honey-bunches? The electric bill, an order for Frontline Flea and Tick Protection, and all our valuable gold. MY GOLD!!?? I'm calling "We Pick'm Up Funeralizers" right now?? I'll have the "Drop Dead" special with 30 minutes same as cash plan and my husband will have the dirt bath! You are about to fulfill our wedding vow - till death do we part. It's incredible! The crooks are getting so lazy, they don't even show up for work. They just mail it in. You know what, instead of me wasting gas and tearing up the environment, why don't you just mail me your stuff.
What I'm working on is a career change. I'm entering the weddingization-funeralization broker business. It will be marketed as WedFun, to lighten things up a little. I'll set up a website just like E-Hermoney and match people who are planning a wedding with those who are planning a funeral. There are some variables inherent in this venture. Say, for instance, you want to get married in 6 months. Don't really "say" it. Just consider it! Some readers! This one reader (not you) - I have to spell everything out for them, because I want no person to be left behind. Actually, I don't care if you're left behind or right behind. I just want your behind to read my blog and click on the ads, so I can make out like a jeweler, er, bandit, and start scrimulating the ecomony myself. How's that for honesty?! No, actually, I'd do this for nothing, which I practically am anyway. Ok, just suppose you want to get married in 6 months. It's a hard-sell to convince someone to expire on the matching date. Now if the incumbent party croaks within 10 days prior to, we can just keep them in the cooler with the flowers. We present that as our photo-op package. But sometimes the nearly departed won't co-operate. Of course we can use the slow-death clause where there is a $100 per day penalty for late withdrawals. To be fair, we pass on $15 per delayed-day to the wedding couple. So, if you're flexible this could be quite lucrative.
We have a variety of music options of which, some are appropriate for both occasions.
1. When the Saints Go Marching In.
2. One "Is the Loneliest Number" - Three Dog Night. It's a tear jerker.
It's just no good anymore since you went away,
Now I spend my time, just making rhythms of yesterday.
Number one is the loneliest, number one is the loneliest, Number one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.

3. I've Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates - Melanie
4. Rose Garden - Joe South (not Lynn Anderson)
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
Along with the sunshine,
There's gotta be a little rain sometimes.
When you take, you gotta give, so live and let live,
Or let go.
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.

I could promise you things like big diamond rings,
But you don't find roses growin' on stalks of clover.
So you better think it over.
Well, if sweet-talkin' you could make it come true,
I would give you the world right now on a silver platter,
But what would it matter?
So smile for a while and let's be jolly:
Love shouldn't be so melancholy.
Come along and share the good times while we can.

5. Get Me to the Church on Time - from My fair Lady (I'm Getting Married in the Morning)
alt. lyrics-
I'm getting buried in the morning,
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime.
Next stop is iffy,
But I'm looking spiffy,
So get me to the church, in that coffin made of birch, Just, get me to the church on time!

On a more serious note, I want all of my readers to realize the big differences in weddings and funerals. A wedding is the beginning of a life long commitment that takes work, giving and sacrifice, but the rewards can be great! It all depends on you - and your partner. Death has a lot less variables. You must choose if you want Plan "A" or Plan B. Plan A is where you put your faith in Jesus Christ and trust that his death, burial and resurrection are all you need, to live in heaven forever in a more glorious life than can ever be described. Plan "B" would be the opposite. Plan "B" is anything and everything other than Plan "A". It can be giving money. trying to be practically perfect in every way - like Mary Poppins, starting a Mother Theresa Tribute band, shaving your head and selling flowers at the airport or going to mass eight days a week. Plan "B" always ends up the same. On earth the seemingly Godless man still enjoys the wonders of God's creation, the blue skies, green seas, birds, animals the goodness of his fellow man. But in hell. he will be sequestered away from all of that, to a world completely void of any kindness or beauty, a land of physical and mental torment. You can choose plan A, once and for all and be done with it. Just thought you should know!

Just reply here if you're interested in more details bout the wedding-funeral plans. I'll leave you with this ditty.

If - by David Gates and Bread

....If the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die
I'd spend the end with you, and when the world is through,
Then one by one, the stars would all go out,
Then you and I, would simply fly away.

I hope there's an Orange Julius Smoothie in your future soon! they're goood!

Good night everyone and if you're with your sweetie, give them a kiss for me. No, that would be weird! No, Don't! Really!