Interview With GOD - by Ken derGarten

Hello readers,

I'm not really here, well everyone is here, wherever here is for them. But I'm not there, where you think I am. I have allowed a colleague of untested mental ability to fill in with what promises to be one of the best interviews ever performed without a net. With great stealth of mind, I introduce to you, without further dieu-dieu, ad hock, pro-quo-infinitude, the amazing Ken 'derGarten!!! It's all yours Ken, for what little it's worth. Readers, please fall out of your seats, laughing or clutching your stomach and reaching for a trash can, just like you would for me!
Ken: I'm here at our Luxury Internet Studio in beautiful downtown Stockbridge, which is somewhat like the men's room at Ichabod's pump it it your own self gas station. Here with me today is God, bestselling author of the Bible. God we're glad you could be with us today!
God: We ll you know, Ken, I'm everywhere!
Ken: Yeah, you and Brittany Spears! Say God, do you have a last name, like Elvis and Cher and Hilliary?
God: No last name, since that usually designates what family you are from. Since I am the creator of all families, I have no last name. I have another name which no one so far has been able to pronounce. The southern pronunciation might be y'allway, but that ain't right either! I have given myself many other names in the Bible which describe my character, but most people just call me God.
Ken: I've always wanted to ask this question when I get to heaven: What came first, the chicken or the egg?
God: I'm actually glad you asked that question. It's a rather dumb question and I'd like to put it to rest! Having a chicken come from an egg was another original idea of mine. Of course, all of my ideas are original. Think about it though, Ken. If I just put an egg out there, who would, as Arthur Fonzerelli was fond of saying, "Sit on it"? A rhinoceros? I think not! No, I created the chicken and obviously the rooster too and the egg followed.
Ken: Tell me God, which came first, was it the book or the movie and which did you enjoy the most?
God: Since my book is a true story, a partial autobiography, if you will, naturally the book came first. The movie was a total rip-off. I did not authorize that, but I did receive a lot of publicity from it. Nevertheless, let it be said that "God owes no man".
Ken: What was your inspiration for the book? Who did you draw on or try to emulate?
God: There were three persons, Me, Myself and I, namely the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Ken: Did you write yourself into the book at all?
God: I Am the central theme. I created all of the characters and gave them all everything they had. I made everything and without Me nothing that was made, was made.
Ken: I assume you were living in Great Britain at the time you wrote the book, since the original was in the King James English. Did you walk the same streets where the Beatles trod?
God: The who?
Ken: No, I was wondering about the Beatles, although the "Who" was from around there also.
God: I don't know who the Beatles are, but I created and destroyed many plagues and if the Beatles needed taking care of, I'm sure I would have done the job! As to the language, it was originally written in two languages, Hebrew and Greek. It was translated into English much later.
Ken: It must have been difficult writing in a foreign language. But I guess it was necessary to impress David Selznick.
God: You're thinking of Gone with the Wind, but I did try to influence Cecil B DeMille as much as he would allow.
Ken: How many months did it take to write this epic world in review?
God: Oh, Ken, this book is not only about yesteryear, it's about today and rest of eternity! As to how long it took to write it, well, I used a technique that can never be duplicated. It involved inspiring 40 different men from different walks of life, living in different decades, even different centuries. All of this took about 1500 years to complete.
Ken: Good Lord! Or shall I say good You! That's a long time. Didn't the people get tired of waiting?
God: No, Ken, I released it a book or two at a time as was appropriate for that period in history. Anyway, 1500 years is like a day and a half and a day and a half is like 1500 years, to me.
Ken: Don't tell me, when Mrs. God is getting ready for date night, it probably seems like 1500 years!
God: Well truthfully Ken, the Church is my bride and I have been waiting a long time for her to get ready. And I Am prepared to wait a while longer. Patience is a virtue, which I also created.
Ken: What do you like to do, just for pleasure?
God: I really enjoy Sunday mornings when millions of people worship me and sing my praises around the world! Of course I Am sad for those who don't. On the other hand, I Am just as pleased when a small child calls my name in prayer or anyone commits an act of kindness in my name.
Ken: God, your book is selling even better than the "Harry Potter" series and "It Takes a Village Idiot" put together". How do you account for that? What do you attribute this success to?
God: I attribute the success of the "Bible" to me. There have been hundreds of songs written about it. There are colleges and churches organized throughout the world to teach my book. It contains every kind of knowledge and intrigue known to man: love, romance, deception, devotion, family, comedy, tragedy, politics, murder, wars, and rumors of wars, martyrs and a wealth of wisdom, but most of all love. It actually contains the keys to life and the secret to victory over death!
Ken: That's laying it on a little heavy, isn't it?
God: After all, Ken, unlike Al Gore, I actually did invent the Universe! I love you, Albert. You see, all of the other books came from mine.
Ken: Seriously, God, you mean Nora Roberts and Mark Twain copied you?
God: If those two write about people, then they are just writing about my creation. I created all people and their emotions. All the things people take credit for creating actually belong to Me.
Ken: Tell me, who is your personal favorite character in the Bible.
God: Ken, that would have to be you.
Ken: Oh my - goodness, now you're pulling my leg. For one thing I'm pretty sure there is no Ken or 'derGarten tribe in the Bible.
God: Oh Ken, didn't you know, you are the whosoever, as in, For I, uh-hmm, God so loved the world (that's you) that He gave His only begotten Son (Jesus), that whosoever (you again, Ken) believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. For you (Ken) are saved by grace through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast. I wrote this book for you, Ken. So you could know me.
Ken: That's very touching! Thanks for being here with us tonite and I hope to see you again soon!
God:.Again, Ken I Am everywhere, but I was glad we talked. And how about seeing me next Sunday? Or any time, anywhere, because I Am..
Ken: I know, EVERYWHERE!