HELLO! This is Tony Bologna, host of the famous TV game show, I'VE GOT A SECRET! For those of you who are new to the show, that would be anyone born in the last 20 minutes, this is the show where a guest appears with an unusual or perverted secret, and our incredibly famous panel tries to guess the secret. Actually, we invite panelist who are not the sharpest cheese in the deli, otherwise the show would be over in 5 minutes and no one would stay tuned for the "brought to you bys".I'll introduce the first panelist. She is the vivacious Jane Fonda. Hi I'm the ever-chic Jane Fonda and I'm fond-a the panelist to my left Mr. "If it ain't Barack don't fix it" O'Bama! I'm proud to introduce the person who inspired me to become great!! When, as a child, I saw her on TV, I thought, if a nun could fly, perhaps I could play for the Chicago Bulls or maybe just become president of a country like Hawaii or USA or Muguambe (Moo-gwam-bay - place that doesn't eat cows) since I was born in one of those. Anyway, here is Sally Fields! Hi, I am Sally Fields and I do hope you'll see my upcoming movie "Gidget Goes To Congress In A Handbasket". I have this one body and I'm trying to make it cute for as long as I can. The next panelist, though last is, well, it's Tom Hanks who, for his short life has been in so many movies! Hanks for the Memories! Hi, I'm Tom Hanks and if I had another movie to make, you know I wouldn't be here.
Okay it's back to me Tony Balonga, uh Bologna (it's supposed to rhyme) bet you forgot about me over here. I's time for that special part of our show where we sing our special little theme song. All together now: M-I-C-see you real soon!---K-E-Y-- -Why? because we- Oh, that's studio C. Pardon me. Now it's time to introduce our mystery guest with an unusual or perverted secret to the audience. Our secret guest is Donleve Haum Withotic. His secret is that he invented the first daytime diaper for adults who have tried Activia, Pepto-Dismal and Chaos-Pectate unsuccessfully. Let's begin by telling our panel a little about our guest. Our guest today is Donleve Haum Withotic and his secret is not MasterCard! Okay Jane, let's see if you can stumble upon Mr. Withotic's secret.
Jane: Mr. Withotic, I spent some time in Vietnam. Does your secret have anything to do with Vietnam?
Mr. Withotic: No, but I enjoyed seeing you in "Cat Ballou".
Jane: I was once married to Ted Turner.Does it have anything to do with Ted Turner? Donlev: Well, generally everything connects to Ted Turner in some way. When I think of Ted, it does remind me of my secret.
Tony: Okay let's see if Barack can solve this mystery, since he hasn't done much with the economy.
B.O.: Mr. Withotic, can I just call you Homey? Would your secret have anything to do with the White House?
Donleve: Actually that's where I got the idea from.
B.O.: Would this secret be qualified by my stimulus package?
Donleve: I'm afraid you're getting dangerously close to my secret, Mr. O'Bama! Tony: Okay, Silly, uh Sally, time for you to fly in and save the day!
Sally: I played a nun on TV and I think it's time for you to confess. Tell me your secret!
Donleve: This is not Moondoggie you're dealing with here. You're going to have to try a little harder than that!
Sally: Does your secret involve Burnt Reynolds?
Donleve: I'm not sure, but if not, it will soon!
Tony: Allright Tom Hanks, jump in that Volcano and save the day!
Tom: I have no response for that.
Tony: I believe that's Meg Ryan's line.
Tom: Right! Tell me now Donleve, does your secret have anything to do with running? Donleve: My secret is more to do with not running.
Tom: To infinity and beyond!
Tony: I believe that's Buz Lightyear's line.
Tom: Right! I went to the moon once - in a movie. Could this secret be something to do with going to the moon?
Donleve: In fact moon expeditions is what funded my initial research.
Tony: Okay folks, time is running out and it's such a shame! Some of you are literally sitting on the answer! Mr. Donleve Haum Withotic is the inventer of adult diapers - for those who couldn't make it otherwise. As a special surprise, everyone in our studio audience will receive a special "I've Got A Secret Edition" gift box of adult "Prevents" diapers. I noticed a few of you were leaving your seat during the show.
THIS HAS BEEN A "WACHER BACH-YURDON FORE PRODUCTION"
You didn't think I was gonna take the blame for it!? _
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