Farmer John's Eating Plan

Hello Friends!

Since the last time I wrote, I went to see my doctor, you know,I call him Dr TV Doctor. He actually went pretty easy on me. Considering he almost killed me, I guess that was the least he could do. And it was his birthday. The prescription he gave me for my triglycerides worked great! My triglycerides plummeted faster than Barock Obama in the popularity pole. You know, I never noticed his initials were B.O. And he still won! And neither Barack or Obama are recognized by spell check. Anyway, my liver enzymes shot up like weeds after a spring rain. So I said goodbye to Fibrates and hello to my liver. I only have one liver and I lovher.

As a consolation, he advised me to do Waist Watchers. At least he didn't ask me to do Jenny Craig! She can't be a very nice girl. He said I'd probably have a hundred reasons not to, but that if he told me of an investment that would return 30%, I would surely find the money to put into it. I wanted to know more about the investment. Well, I claim all of the 100 reasons plus one more. IT'S AGAINST MY RELIGION!! What self respecting male would subscribe to a diet plan? I don't like the idea of paying someone else for the pounds I lose. Under those rules, I would work as hard as I could to not lose the weight. I'd gain ten pounds and then they'd owe me! It's like at work they have a dress code because we want to APPEAR like professionals. We must wear slacks and collard shirts. OK, they have the right. Call me a rebel, but I couldn't find any shirts with collards on them. But on occasion you are allowed to wear jeans, if you donate money. Call me stubborn, but I dislike the idea of paying someone money in order to wear my own clothes!

But you know, there are no diet plans for men. But that's ok, because real men don't get pedicures or go on diets! See, body building sounds better than diet or weight control. All men want to build their bodies! And no man wants to do Jenny Craig..unless you mean..never mind! I'm calling my new plan."Farmer John".
Farmer John only has six rules.
!. If it grows on a farm you can eat it.
2. If your mother didn't tell you how much you can eat, then neither will I.
3. If it can be grilled, deep fried or boiled, you can eat it.
4. If it don't eat you, you can eat it.
5. If it has an English name, you can eat it.
6. You can eat it.

Now don't let rule five slide by. It's the only restrictive rule in there, but it's important. Have you ever eaten pig snot unawares? Well you can't answer that, can you? Because if you were unaware, then you wouldn't know. All of the restaurants think by repeating the name of their latest ingredient over and over, people will order every item on the menu that features said ingredient. If,
you don't learn anything else from this, please remember that I can spell ingredient with out spellcheck..so just WATCH OUT! For example, chipotle or habernara sauce. You see, I don't know what those are or how we got along without them for so long. Our soup dejour for the day is steamed crushed baby broccoli smothered in a rich sus crofa proboscis sauce. yeah, look it up. i did and I'm not eating it! I'm not sure, but I think "dejour" means leftover.

Here's the plan:
No books to buy.
No meetings to attend,
No food restictions (except number five - must have an english name)
No weigh-ins.
No blood tests.
No pre-packaged foods to buy.

So what, you may ask, is the catch? You may. All I want is for about 100,000 people to send me five dollars for permission to try my plan. No risk, No obligation. No brow beating. If the plan doesn't work for you, simply quit!
Send all monies to:

Farmer John Eating Plan
312 Ifoola U
Bigtime Ga 10101